SS234

I was recently seeing a recovering alcoholic for about a year and a half. He is fifteen years sober. During that time, I did quite a bit of reading on alcoholism and relationships with those in recovery.

He broke off our "relationship" a few weeks ago and I'm having a difficult time getting over it (although I shouldn't because he wasn't exactly the most unselfish person - looking back he pretty much used me when he wanted me). He was honest though during the 1.5 years that he coudn't be in a committed relationship - he tried to be in one with me at one point but it didn't last long - pretty much strung me along. He told me a few weeks ago that he met someone so apparently he can be in a committed relationship.

I just want to tell him how much I've been reading about this, etc.

I know I can't contact him but do those in recovery care if their "significant other" is doing a lot reading/learning? I wonder if he can be different with the new person he found? . . . . .Know I need to let go but a bit too soon.

beingjenagain

Just because a guy is sober doesn't mean he isn't a jerk. It was nice of you to "read up" on him but at this point in his sobriety I would think he would be able to have a normal relationship without using his past as a crutch.
You may find better answers on the friends and family or womens forum.
Consider yourself lucky (at least you wern't married too him) and move on!!

sailorjohn

Whaddaya get when you sober up a drunken horse thief?

A sober horse thief.

Ironic, heard this from my ex-sponsor.

I dropped him when I realized that his main interest in sponsoring me was financial. My bad, I really should have known better, and I did, one of the long standing AA traditions is that sponsors/sponsees don't get involved in those kind of relationships. Point is, sobriety might improve a person's physical condition, there are no guarantees that it improves their moral condition, regardless of the length of their sobriety. Sorry to hear of your experience.

SS234

Thanks for the replies. I like the horse thief analogy.

I hope some "drunken horse thieves" are able to become sober and no longer horse thieves! Not only sober horse thieves : )

I'm not so sure how this is really a recovering alcoholic issue. There are a lot of "normal" guys out there who are "jerks" for awhile until they truly like the one they're with. Then they sort of stop their previous behaviors.

A lot of these threads seem to focus on these issues that I can see people posting on other "dating" sites not related to alcoholism. Although this relationship to me did seem different, even though there were so many years of sobriety. He really did not seem to care about my feelings at all but able to string me along for well over a year. I admit that I contributed to some of this by getting back in touch with him at certain points after he would end it. I just felt I could because there were times when he would come back asking to see if we could try a normal relationship.

I think if this guy I was with is with the "right one", he will be different. How can someone say they don't want to commit to anyone - I think he would enjoy a deeper relationship with someone. Can his priority always be his AA meetings and meeting up with his friends from AA? Even after 15 years of sobriety? I would think he would want someone "to come home to" at the end of the day and basically share his life . . . .

He was married for two years and has been divorced for about three now. He said they divorced because they "started living like roommates".