Drank again and guess what...
 

It was just the bloody same old crap! Unmanagability came straight back- anxiety and the absaloute despair where beyond belief- i forgot juts how low alcohol makes me feel the next day. I know alcoholics have a physical allegy in that it sets up a craving beyond our control and thats what happened to me. Iwas talking to me parents too though- both in AA and sober decades (thanks to A.A.) - both also talked about that feeling the next day - Hell, in a word. Alcohol doesnt just have an averse reaction when i drink- its the next day too- even if nothing 'bad' happned the night before I still experience those hellish feelings of total despair and terror the vast majority of the time. It was good to hear that from them because i could totally identify with them - i dunno i guess it just re-inforced the fact i cannot drink no matter what.

I regret drinking, i did a lot of work on myself with the steps of AA in those four months but its certainly made me re-asses things in my life at least. I can see the total insanity of the mental obsession in me now- it took me back out for a drink, so i have no qualms of the mental illness part of this disease.It was my thinking that made me pick up that lethal first drink.

I've been going to meetings and sharing and mixing with people and doing things i didnt do before yesterday and today- im now two days sober. I know if i dont put my all in this time i will drink. It means going against myself a lot- but i have to give AA my all because i dont want to feel how drinking makes me feel again- not for today thanks.

If there is anyone out there who is considering drinking, whose head is going for a wonder as mine did i hope reading this helps. If your an alcoholic it wont work - and my experience shows it doesnt. Let my mistake be an example. I wanted to be a 'normal student' and drink and 'have a laugh' - despite knowing what drink does to me. I went against suggestions and i took that first drink and it was a disaster and im just so grateful i am back to AA- i made it back! For that i am so graetful - because i was in a blackout for a lot of both the fri and sat night i drank. Anything could of happened to me. I have a real healthy fear now of what drink can lead to - i dunno i am still a bit gutted but all i can do is put 100% into recovery this time- to make that relapse a lesson rather than a regret. It's great to be back guys!:You_Rock_

Uni, you don't have to give AA your all, or anything your all.

Give your life your all.

You dont need to apologise or justify.

You dont need to conform, it is your own recovery.

You're right about the feeling the next day 'Hell' is the word. Thanks for sharing that and reminding me. Glad you're back with your support group of AA:ghug

:hug:
A new day...a fresh start

Hey Unigirl, glad you made it back.

I'm back on day 5 myself, so let's do this together!

Unigirl, you've helped me to stay sober tonite. It's been sort of a rough evening and I had a craving to just "forget" it all. I read your post and was reminded that I do not want to start back up again.

So you just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, love yourself for who you are capable of being, and don't beat yourself up over it. I've relapsed too many times to count. And I knew better. But I did it anyway. You can start again. You're still trying. Just keep on trying. Take it one day at a time. You can do this!:ghug3

Thanks everyone for your positive replies- it means a lot :)
I love the understanding ppl in recovery have for one another. I am so glad i helped u least. At least something positve comes out of this :)
I also like what you said about knowing better but doing it anyway- yeah if im honest i guess i did pretty much the same thing - although my head was in turmoil with the 'should i drink?', 'am i really an alchy?'....etc deep down i knew if i drank again i would go back to AA at some point (which is very complacent as i now realise how lucky we all are to make it back) - so therefor i knew what i was doing was a mistake. But hey ho- you live and you learn- and im juts very grateful to be back in recovery :)
Forgot how good it 'feels' - although it can be hard work etc- i always that feeling that im doing the right thing- and its the nicest feeling ever!

unigirl thanks for sharing your relapse, I am thankful for you that it was a short one and that you made it back.

There is a difference in you I see, you truly are taking this as a learning experience instead of beating your self up, that is awesome!!!! You have also grown far closer to your parents and you are very fortunant to have parents that know what alcoholism is first hand and have found a path of recovery that worked for them and that you are on that same path as well.

My wife and a lot of my family just do not get it. My wife still does not understand why I could not just quit! Sounds so simple to a non-alcoholic to just quit, heck a non-alcoholic could really care less if they ever had a drink. My father who passed when I was 19 was a recovered alcoholic, he knew, my son who is new to recovery gets it, folks in the rooms get it.

Thanks Tazman - i know i am indeed very fortunate to have parents who can understand and give me the necessary advice. You're right i am closer to my parents thanks to recovery.
I'm sorry a lot of your family do no understand the concept of recovering from alcoholism - i have many friends (and some family members too) who just don't get it. I don't know if they ever will either, but another thing i learnt from the relapse is i shouldn't let their opinions influence me. I just have to accept they won't get it- but as long as know i'm an alcoholic and need to recover in AA (this is just my experience) i'll be ok.

unigirl I understand why they do not understand, they say pedophelia is a disease also and I sure do not understand that!!!! The only ones who could possibly understand that is another pedophile. (I know!!! I know, that was an extreme example)

thanks for sharing your relapse and your re-inspired return to recovery. you just helped me a little with your words. I am now conscious of my own desire to change. now I can go further and turn this desire back into determination. I had a strong determination on my 3rd and 4th days clean. last couple of days I've been on automatic.