LosingmyMisery

As an alcoholic, I had a driving force to be right. I knew it all. I knew what other people were thinking, I knew what they needed to do and I was right, always. Hmmmm...over the years, through recovery, I have come to understand that I am not always right. How can that be? It is human nature to be wrong on occasion. The notion of always being right seems silly to me today. I have to laugh at my antics and argumentative ways. My interest in being right is waining. What does it matter, really? I will admit that on the few occasions I am right, and know it, I will revel in a silent moment of victory, but could just as easily walk away with a lesson learned and a shrug.

I have been wrong on a few things. Here a few:

There is no hope for me.
Sobriety is not meant for me.
I must live in fear.
Don't step outside of my comfort zone.
I'm not worthy.
I do not deserve to be happy.
The steps are silly.
I am always right.

I was the hopeless drunk who thought that sobriety was never meant for me. I truly believed I could not achieve it. I thought I was destined to a world of misery. I was filled with fear and my esteem was shot. I thought I could never overcome any hardships. I was weak and worthless and was never adventurous. Happiness and joy was something I was not capable of feeling. I thought the steps were stupid and questioned how they could ever work. I thought the world revolved around me and that I had every right to be right.

Boy...was I ever wrong. Thank God for the opportunity to be proven wrong! What a gift!

RufusACanal

"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."


Michael Jordan

Honors: Six-time NBA champion (1991-93, 1996-98); NBA MVP (1988, '91, '92, '96, '98); 10-time All-NBA First Team (1987-93, 1996-98); All-NBA Second Team (1985); Defensive Player of the Year (1988); Nine-time All-Defensive First Team (1988-93, 1996-98); Rookie of the Year (1985); 14-time All-Star; All-Star MVP (1988, '96, '98); One of 50 Greatest Players in NBA History (1996); Two-time Olympic gold medalist (1984, '92).

Zanthos

I felt the exact same way. I wouldn't have to change a word of what you wrote to completely capture the feelings I had about myself and my life.

Ultimately, I was very happy to trade in what I thought were my unique (if tragic) feelings and my own very special point of view for the recognition that I was simply sick and suffering. But it sure took a lot of suffering before I was willing to let go of what I thought were essential qualities of myself.

About 6-7 months after I embraced the program, I started to really enjoy discovering the many little ways in which I was wrong in the course of a day. About little things. Every time I found myself to be wrong, I learned something new! And everytime I learned something new, I experienced my capacity to change! And knowing I could change was just great.

LosingmyMisery

Doesn't coming to this realization open up a world of so many possibilities? It is amazing! If I'm wrong about all of this, what else can I be wrong about? I love being on the tale end of learning a hard lesson. They are the best and most learned and earned.

Dean62

To finally bring down that wall of always having to be right was so liberating for me. All that time and energy I used to waste because I had to be right I can now spend in peace doing things I enjoy instead of fighting for what? What is so great about being right all the time? It does feel good to be right but I have gained serenity by walking away and letting it go when I am wrong.

Life is better accepting who I am instead of always being on the defensive trying to protect my fragile ego/pride.

1963comet

I felt simular to what you have felt. Until one day a woman told me that I can do it. This was a counsler I went to. And I have been sober over 7 years now. I felt that someone believed in me, so I believed in myself. I call and thank this woman every year.

least

Thank you for your post. You have pointed out something that I know in my head, but haven't always known in my heart. I need to hear that, and often, so I appreciate your saying it. You are so right!

:ghug3

mikee

Copy that outstanding post.

Tazman53

LosingmyMisery that post was truly awesome, it describes so well where I came from, I am so thankful that due to the steps today I can easily say I was wrong about something and instead of thinking what an idiot I am or how embarassing that was, I learn from it. I am also able to see where and when I hurt some one and say I am sorry and make amends where I can rather then stewing in shame and guilt.

Fear.............. man what a beast, my sponsor explained to me that fear can be overcome with faith.......... for a while I thought he was full of it, but as I exercised faith I found my fears dissappearing.

What a miracle it is to go from a hopeless drunk to some one who now can live life on lifes terms sober and happy.

LosingmyMisery

One of the most amazing things I find to this day, is the awakening that I experienced after doing the steps. As I mentioned, I thought the process was stupid. I felt awkward and embarrassed by the 3rd step. Praying to God just wasn't me. I didn't know how to pray and who the heck is this God person anyway? The 4th step seemed like a waste of time and effort and I thought it couldn't possibly help. How could something that happened years and years ago have an affect on me today? The thought of making amends, the 9th step, sent shudders down my spine. I just couldn't do it. I didn't have the guts to face my fears and to admit my mistakes. Today, I can apologize freely. It is something that just seems natural, where in the past would literally make me sick to my stomach and shake. Besides, why should I apologize? I was never wrong. Oh, yeah...that was the old me.

I was my own worst enemy. I had low self esteem. I was insecure. I thought I had to be perfect. I felt people were constantly judging me if I weren't perfect, if I said the wrong thing, didn't look the right way. I made myself the butt of jokes. I was constantly putting myself down and making fun of myself before others could, or so I imagined. People would often comment on how hard I was on myself.

After doing the steps the fear left, my anger and resentments were removed and my confidence rose. I no longer had the urge to put myself down. I don't do this any longer, period. Putting myself down doesn't ever cross my mind. It as if I finally understood that all creature of this earth have value, including myself. This phenomenon seemed to have happened over night. It really was an amazing realization and I understood that putting myself down gave permission to others to do the same. It has not been an issue to this day. I never would have been enlightened by this event if I had not opened my mind to a new, unfamiliar concept or experience. As a pleasant surprise, the steps have brought me more than I could ever imagined. I'm very surprised by this, as I was such a naysayer, and once again, I was wrong. I don't know everything after all. I'm very grateful for that.

gravity

Thank you so much for your words. This has been my experience almost exactly. I have never been more focused and at peace in my life...and it keeps getting better! It's just so amazing when I compare where I was a short 5 months ago with where I am today. I went to AA to quit drinking. Not only am I sober, I am living a good life filled with love, serenity, acceptance, learning, helping others, gratitude.

And it all started with admitting I was wrong - I really can’t drink. And I really don’t have to drink ever again. Through AA, the help of others, and hard work everything is falling into place - the way it is meant to be.

NoMoBeer

LMM -- what can I say, but "thanks!" Truly a miracle...

ken

Tazman53

LMM I share with you and thousands of others what you have found. Lord did I fight it though...... I called those folks losers, I thought they were complete idiots, I felt they were crazy, possessed, how in the world can swallowing ones pride lead to joy and freedom?

I was the center of the universe, I knew all and saw all, my way was the only right way, all others were to be humiliated by my greatness!!!! I thought all of this as I sat alone in my garage, day after day, night after night, alone and drunk!!!! What the heck was wrong with the world? If they would only listen to me everything would be all right!

I love being a part of the world and not on the outside looking in thinking the whole world spun around me. Free from self and from alcohol!!!!

I have really enjoyed your shares on the freedom to be gained from the steps. You say it so well.

22NGONE

Losing,

Hey... Amen to everything you have said, your posts meant a lot to me. Thank you so very much for sharing. I need to work on the putting myself down part. Will you marry me? :-)

John