Lavender611

I don't know what to do. My husband is an alcoholic. He has admitted that he has a problem and wants my help. But whenever I tell him he's had enough and needs to stop, he doesn't listen to me and ignores my wishes. If he's drinking and has agreed to stop and I go into another room for a bit when I come out he has another drink poured. Ever since I knew him he has always had a drink or two but lately, it's every night. He drinks whiskey straight about 4 drinks a night. He stumbles, slobers all over me, can't talk right and usually passes out in the tub. He doesn't drink in the morning but there have been times when he couldn't get up for work. He says he is just tired but I know otherwise. He doesn't remember anything he did or said the night before and having any kind of conversation with him is just useless. He will argue with me if I said we discussed something, because he can't remember and is sure we never had the discussion. He has blamed my coming home late from work for him drinking, stating that if I would come home on time and feed him dinner he wouldn't get so "toasted". The latest I get home is around 7pm and by that time he has had 2 or 3 drinks on an empty stomach. I hate when he gets to the point that he is in my face, saying the same things over and over again. He asks for my help but I seriously don't know what to do. He says he knows he has a problem and will quit drinking by the end of the year but needs my help. Please someone tell me what kind of help can I give him. He refuses to go to AA meetings, stating he can do it with my help, but I don't know what to do. If anyone has any suggestions please respond. He is not abusive in anyway but I want him to stop.

miss communicat

Hi Lavender and Welcome to SR!

There is very much support here for both you and your husband. I'd suggest getting the book "Under The Influence" and reading it. This book explains the physiology of alcoholism and how it progresses. Another idea for you would be to go to al-anon meetings to see what others i n your situation are doing.

SR has a Friends + Family board you may wish to post over there as well and read the threads there. So much wisdom and experience dealing with the alcoholism of loved ones.

Good luck!

bodychek

I was that guy not too long ago. For me, my ex-wife kept trying to get me to stop but I never did. I would stop for periods of time but always went back to it, stepping it up each time until I finally woke up one day and had enough. That was the day I went to AA. I have opened my heart to the program and have been working the steps and, like they told me, have felt a lot better over time.

My wife could never get me to stop no matter how hard she tried. I had to finally surrender to my problem and seek help. If he can stop on his own, god bless him. He would be in the minority.

Good luck, I hope he seeks help.

Anna

Alcoholics aren't able to stop drinking, so when your husband doesn't stop drinking when you tell him he's had enough, it's because he's an alcoholic.

You should seek AlAnon as a source of support for yourself and check out our message boards for friends and families.

nandm

Welcome to SR!

The Friends and Family of alcoholics forum here at SR is full of wonderful people with experience, strength, and hope to share with you. Please feel free to continue posting here but at the same time you might post in that forum as well. I would also suggest going to ALANON meetings or CODA meetings both are great ways to develope the tools to deal with situations like you are going through.

Judith

least

I agree with what has been said. You cannot help him stop drinking, he has to want to stop himself. I'm sorry he won't go to AA. I've been going to meetings in the short time since I got out of detox and have found a whole new family. It's also a good idea for you to go to Al Anon meetings for support. You need to look out for yourself first or you may collapse under the weight of HIS problem.

I'm praying for you. Take care of yourself.

:ghug3:praying

barb dwyer

Hi, and welcome to SR !



http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/#family-friends

CarolD

Please click on the link Barb posted above
for info and support as you go through
this sad situation.

Blessings to you and your family

Welcome to SR!

Tazman53

Welcome to SR lavender, I will back up 100% what others have said.

First thing I would suggest is following that link Barb provided, next thing to do is go to Alanon for YOU!!!!!! You need to meet other folks in the exact same boat you are in, they will teach you that you did not cause his drinking and you can not cure his drinking!

You need to learn to take care of you!

In regards to your husband, when he reachs the point where he REALLY wants to quit drinking he will stop trying to dump his problem on you and take the actions to get the help he needs!

Sugah

His drinking is not your fault. His intoxication has nothing to do with you coming home late. (My first reaction: why doesn't he have dinner waiting for YOU?)

Other than that, you've got lots of good suggestions above. I'll add this: You can tell an alcoholic, but you can't tell him much.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Tazman53

How can you tell when an active alcoholic is trying to manipulate you? Thier lips are moving.... or thier crying!!!!

tennis71

Welcome to SR!

For starters, please do not believe him when he says it is your fault that he drank. No one makes us drink. He is just trying to manipulate you into approving of his actions.

The only way I see you being able to help him is to not provide the booze, don't buy it and don't have it in the house. If he is alcoholic then he cannot have just one so don't operate with the illusion that one is OK this time. He may find a way to drink, but you do not have to help him out.

Other than that, he has to want it and his actions need to follow what his words are telling you. If he wants to stop, he needs to accept that he has to stop for himself and he likely cannot do it on his own. For me, and my story is eerily similar to your husbands, once I accepted that I needed to stop I took action and started with AA and rehab. The problem with that scenario is that it did not fit in to the plans of the others in my life who were pushing for that about 3 - 6 months earlier. The entire situation hurt my relationships. I had to accept that, keep sobriety as my number one goal and hope for the best.

Your suggestion of AA is great, however, he will need to come to the conclusion on his own that he needs what they have to offer, and I hope he does.

Everyone has suggested the friends and family forum, that is an excellent place for you to start. Al Anon is another great place to look into. These are designed to help you through this, that is the only person who you have any control over and you are worth the effort.

I wish you the best, keep on posting and welcome again, SR is a very safe and informative place to be.

LovesmyHubby

LAVEN,
i am in the same boat as you with this one and it is i believe the hardest thing i will ever have to deal with. I am not gettin to the point that i know there is really nothing that i can do to help my ah. its really hard for me to do , and i personally dont feel that i am really ready to leave him. i also do believe that he was sent to me from god so that i could help him and i think he would have killed himself drinking if it werent for me that i do know. He tries very hard but he powerless over his addiction. :praying:praying:praying for you and your AH.

AW2486

Lavender .. Our Big Book says alcoholics have an allergy that manifests itself as a phenomenon of craving. That happens after he takes the 1st drink.. His body just wants more and more and more .. until he goes to sleep. The best time to talk to somebody about quitting is the next morning when he is good and sore. I'm sure you already have tried that ..

But as others have stated .. you need to take care of yourself. Alanon has people that are going through or have gone through the same thing. Support is a wonderful thing.

Good luck and all the best

AW..