Hi everyone! I'm new in here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Bellingham, Wa.
Posts: 73
Hi everyone! I'm new in here.
Im so glad to have found this sight, it seems a little easier right now then going to an AA meeting, I've just come to realize lately that I really can't conquer the alcoholism no matter how I've tried. I figured while I still have my life, I need to not drink anymore, after almost losing it so many times! I really would like share with everyone!
Ask me anything, tell me about your experiences and how you deal with life after drinking, how do you deal with the downs socializing with people without having to have a drink, but still have fun. I find myself to be So anxietic and depressed now, do you?
Ask me anything, tell me about your experiences and how you deal with life after drinking, how do you deal with the downs socializing with people without having to have a drink, but still have fun. I find myself to be So anxietic and depressed now, do you?
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome Nors....
When I wanted to quit drinking
and could not :p AA was where I found my solution.
Stick around...read our post...glad to see you are searching.
and could not :p AA was where I found my solution.
Stick around...read our post...glad to see you are searching.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Winnsboro, LA
Posts: 53
Hi, Nors! Welcome!!!
I'm glad you found this site, too. Little did I know that when I happened upon it that this place would be a big, huge help in my recovery!
The only way that I can say that I am able to stay sober (so far!) is to go to meetings, read the Big Book and other recovery literature, pray (alot!) and come here to this site everyday. I know how you feel about actually attending meetings...going to my first one alone was one of the hardest things I've ever done. But it's a whole lot harder getting and staying sober all by yourself. I was a pint-to-a-5th-a-day vodka drinker, and quitting was tough---dealing with the shakes, the anxiety, the irritability, and the insomnia---yep, it was pretty tough. But it can be done, especially with the help of AA, mainly because the people there(and here) know exactly what you're going through. Nothing you have EVER done is too bad...believe me, we've ALL done crazy and even bad stuff. The experiences may be different, but the emotions are not. We are all the same in a whole lot of ways.
Good luck to you....feel free to PM me anytime...I'll always write back.
Keep Coming Back!!
Kai
The only way that I can say that I am able to stay sober (so far!) is to go to meetings, read the Big Book and other recovery literature, pray (alot!) and come here to this site everyday. I know how you feel about actually attending meetings...going to my first one alone was one of the hardest things I've ever done. But it's a whole lot harder getting and staying sober all by yourself. I was a pint-to-a-5th-a-day vodka drinker, and quitting was tough---dealing with the shakes, the anxiety, the irritability, and the insomnia---yep, it was pretty tough. But it can be done, especially with the help of AA, mainly because the people there(and here) know exactly what you're going through. Nothing you have EVER done is too bad...believe me, we've ALL done crazy and even bad stuff. The experiences may be different, but the emotions are not. We are all the same in a whole lot of ways.
Good luck to you....feel free to PM me anytime...I'll always write back.
Keep Coming Back!!
Kai
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Bellingham, Wa.
Posts: 73
Thank you, I do have to physically go to AA meeting
, as my therapist tells me, and a womans only one, since I have a harder time socializing with woman.
I didn't drink everyday, but I use to every weekend or during get togethers or anything like that, and when I did, it got pretty out of hand every single time. I would drink til I was blacked out, and instead of being passed out I'd be drinking (people would tell me) like I was dying of thirst, and it got to a point where I'd have to be dragged out of places or end up in trouble some how. . My friends back then use to think I was a real Jeckal and Hyde. And I use to be very sexual, like I had to have it when I was drunk. It's been atleast 13 years since the permisquility ( I know I spelled that wrong), and the regular drinking, but every now and then I still sneak a drink, when my husband isn't around or when I get hurt or mad, then it would be completely disasterous. And it seems that Im a lot more aware with myself now, that when I'd drink, the next day I'd be SO depressed, like I want to die, and Id just sleep for days. My husband would also be so hurt and different towards me. The last fall ( April 30th) I got 5 tickets, and a scar on the side of my face from the police officer slamming me against my car. Luckily he ended up getting two of the biggest ones dropped (Obstruction of an officer and reckless driving cuz he didn't want me to speak up, which was a deal. I never want to go through that again! Luckily no one got hurt, except for me.
, as my therapist tells me, and a womans only one, since I have a harder time socializing with woman. I didn't drink everyday, but I use to every weekend or during get togethers or anything like that, and when I did, it got pretty out of hand every single time. I would drink til I was blacked out, and instead of being passed out I'd be drinking (people would tell me) like I was dying of thirst, and it got to a point where I'd have to be dragged out of places or end up in trouble some how.
. My friends back then use to think I was a real Jeckal and Hyde. And I use to be very sexual, like I had to have it when I was drunk. It's been atleast 13 years since the permisquility ( I know I spelled that wrong), and the regular drinking, but every now and then I still sneak a drink, when my husband isn't around or when I get hurt or mad, then it would be completely disasterous. And it seems that Im a lot more aware with myself now, that when I'd drink, the next day I'd be SO depressed, like I want to die, and Id just sleep for days. My husband would also be so hurt and different towards me. The last fall ( April 30th) I got 5 tickets, and a scar on the side of my face from the police officer slamming me against my car. Luckily he ended up getting two of the biggest ones dropped (Obstruction of an officer and reckless driving cuz he didn't want me to speak up, which was a deal. I never want to go through that again! Luckily no one got hurt, except for me.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Sounds like a good plan your therapist suggested....
A Womans AA meeting.
Depression drove me into recovery. I was fortunate as I had "situational" depression. It lifted after I stayed sober a few months. This is NOT everyones experience.
Best of luck...
A Womans AA meeting.
Depression drove me into recovery. I was fortunate as I had "situational" depression. It lifted after I stayed sober a few months. This is NOT everyones experience.
Best of luck...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Charleston S.C.
Posts: 1,461
HI Nors, Welcome to the site. I can only speak for myself. I have tried to limit myself to this and that and ended up drinking. I found I have the best results with a balanced program. I came up with a written plan that includes support and family and myself. I have picked and gone to the same AA groups and even gone so far as to try and sit in the same chair. My sister who has 20 years suggested this and it works for me. People start to notice you after 2 or 3 meetings. I think the key for me is structure in my life. This written plan gives me the structure to build my new life around. After all a big part of recovery is being able to experence life. Hang in there and give everything and yourself time. Don
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Bellingham, Wa.
Posts: 73
I really do need to structurize my life.
Since I thought I was trying to be sober a long time ago, I figured out that I must not have thougt I was truly an alcoholic until now, because I kept thinking I could still drink and be normal. I've been very stubborn!
When I was sober, I didn't get any help or didn't allow myself to go get support, thinking that I can do it on my own, just to talk myself into it again, usually from being bored, mad, hurt or just unhappy with myself. It seems to give me a feeling that I crave to feel, like confidence and happiness that everyone else seems to have and I don't. Without it I feel so vulnerable and sensitive, afraid to do anything that has to do with socializing on an unprofessional level. Like Im afraid of dealing with hurtful emotions. Especially triggered by people I don't know. I don't know how to handle it.
But, I feel So ready, I don't want to dye feeling like this, and being this lonely! I don't know how to let someone in, that's my problem.
How do you let someone know you, when you don't feel like you know yourself? And I've always felt like people can't love me, except for my husband, he finally convinced me that he must love me, puting up with me for this long. But it took him a while to convince me. I know it has to be my mind, cuz Im not a bad person, and I am respectful to others. Im going on, sorry:shades: , Im getting all psycological.
My therapist has been okay, everything he tells me I pretty much know, he just helps in getting me motivated, I made a commitment to go to a meeting before my next appointment next week
, It's not like I've never been to one, it's just been so long, and I was never active in one, too scared to say anything.
Thanks
Since I thought I was trying to be sober a long time ago, I figured out that I must not have thougt I was truly an alcoholic until now, because I kept thinking I could still drink and be normal. I've been very stubborn!
When I was sober, I didn't get any help or didn't allow myself to go get support, thinking that I can do it on my own, just to talk myself into it again, usually from being bored, mad, hurt or just unhappy with myself. It seems to give me a feeling that I crave to feel, like confidence and happiness that everyone else seems to have and I don't. Without it I feel so vulnerable and sensitive, afraid to do anything that has to do with socializing on an unprofessional level. Like Im afraid of dealing with hurtful emotions. Especially triggered by people I don't know. I don't know how to handle it.
But, I feel So ready, I don't want to dye feeling like this, and being this lonely! I don't know how to let someone in, that's my problem.
How do you let someone know you, when you don't feel like you know yourself? And I've always felt like people can't love me, except for my husband, he finally convinced me that he must love me, puting up with me for this long. But it took him a while to convince me. I know it has to be my mind, cuz Im not a bad person, and I am respectful to others. Im going on, sorry:shades: , Im getting all psycological.
My therapist has been okay, everything he tells me I pretty much know, he just helps in getting me motivated, I made a commitment to go to a meeting before my next appointment next week
, It's not like I've never been to one, it's just been so long, and I was never active in one, too scared to say anything. Thanks
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Charleston S.C.
Posts: 1,461
Hi Nors, Sounds like you have a good plan. I know what you are talking about when you speak of dealing with others. One problem I have been working on is trying not to project that others see me as I see myself. We can be alot harder on ourselves than others are. I think the key is to relax be ourselves and let things happen. When I try to make things happen is when the controling part of my alcoholism is taking over. One thing I did that I notice that you are doing is saying your sorry for speaking your mind or expressing your fellings. You don't have to say your sorry for sharing with us. You are expressing many things I and I'm sure others can identify with.
You say you are a nice person, I think you sound like a nice person, so start treating yourself like a nice person. Right now you are the most important person you know and you need to act accordingly. I know it isn't easy, believe me I slip back in my thoughts sometimes myself. This is where the human contact at meetings/support groups come into my recovery plan. Sometimes a second set
of eyes can help me read the map. I hpoe you have a good weekend and try to make a meetings. I just have a feeling that you make some progress in the near future. Don
You say you are a nice person, I think you sound like a nice person, so start treating yourself like a nice person. Right now you are the most important person you know and you need to act accordingly. I know it isn't easy, believe me I slip back in my thoughts sometimes myself. This is where the human contact at meetings/support groups come into my recovery plan. Sometimes a second set
of eyes can help me read the map. I hpoe you have a good weekend and try to make a meetings. I just have a feeling that you make some progress in the near future. Don
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Bellingham, Wa.
Posts: 73
Don, it's very comforting to me to hear someone else besides my husband and therapist talk to me in such a real way, understanding exactly what I go through. I really plan to fight my way out of my shell and get to a meeting, I'll let you know about it, even if it turns into a laughing show . I think it may not be too bad until the 2nd or 3rd time, when Im at least expected to say something, that's going to be the hardest part , I may need some motivating then also. Thanks for reply!
Have a nice weekend also!
. I think it may not be too bad until the 2nd or 3rd time, when Im at least expected to say something, that's going to be the hardest part , I may need some motivating then also. Thanks for reply! Have a nice weekend also!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Charleston S.C.
Posts: 1,461
Hi again Nors, Just had a quik thought about something that may intrest you. I know it helped me alot and I still use it. Pernell in the past had some great post about paradigms. They fit many of us to a T. Contact him and he can help you with it. They have alot to do with our perceptions of ourselves. Don
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Hi Nors and welcome!
I am glad you found us and have realized that you must seek out help. I understand your aprehension about meetings but when ready you really should try it again.
Us alcoholic have a hard time seeking out help for ourselves no matter who loves and supports us. With the help of your therapist, AA and us here you will learn those steps you need to take to seek out self love. I know this is hard and will take time. But you can do this!
Please read the Big Book, and there is one that has been helping me 12 steps for Women which is very good as well. Start doing good things for yourself, get selfish sometimes and know your not alone in this journey. Seek out a Higer Power and ask him/her/it to guide you each day. This is the steps I started with and I'll have 60 days of sobriety on Saturday for the first time in over 20 years. You'll find the relationship with hubby gets better as well. My hubby has been very patient with me and we have been slowly getting to know each other again as my alcoholism destroyed a big part of our marriage of 23 years.
I wish you well and again welcome, hope to see you back soon!
I am glad you found us and have realized that you must seek out help. I understand your aprehension about meetings but when ready you really should try it again.
Us alcoholic have a hard time seeking out help for ourselves no matter who loves and supports us. With the help of your therapist, AA and us here you will learn those steps you need to take to seek out self love. I know this is hard and will take time. But you can do this!
Please read the Big Book, and there is one that has been helping me 12 steps for Women which is very good as well. Start doing good things for yourself, get selfish sometimes and know your not alone in this journey. Seek out a Higer Power and ask him/her/it to guide you each day. This is the steps I started with and I'll have 60 days of sobriety on Saturday for the first time in over 20 years. You'll find the relationship with hubby gets better as well. My hubby has been very patient with me and we have been slowly getting to know each other again as my alcoholism destroyed a big part of our marriage of 23 years.
I wish you well and again welcome, hope to see you back soon!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Bellingham, Wa.
Posts: 73
Don, I may be a bit ditsy, but what do you mean pernell from the past, is he someone a couple days back on this board, on the alcoholism part, should I look back a couple days for that name to read it? I want to read it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Bellingham, Wa.
Posts: 73
Thanks Chy, Im glad to be here, my husband is wondering why Im not talking to him Now he talks, all I do is talk until I found this sight, but he never talks back much, well, as much as I'd like.
, he should be taken advantage of his quiet time.
You know reading the Big book is like reading instructions, I don't, or I should say, didn't have the patience to concentrate on it. But now, I really want to do my best. It is really hard to do something good for me that takes effort. But now, Im SO sick of not really living and not letting people know me or me them. Im just so scared of being judged and rejected.
Our relationship is really needing help because of me. My husband is tired of seeing me so unhappy and lonely, it makes him sad and drags him down too. He even quit drinking a long time ago because of me, he's not an alcoholic. I think I discusted him away from the alcohol.
Congradulation on your soboriety! I can't wait to be there and start making myself happy. Isnt that sad, the first thing I thought of when you said do something good for yourself, be a little selfish, I thought of shopping, But, that would just be another fix, , once in a while is okay
My husband would be very happy if I started doing something for myself, he's been waiting for me to for so long. He even said I don't have to work, so I can do something for myself, which may have been the wrong thing that I did, cuz I've been completely isolated, my own fault.
Thanks, have a good weekend!
Now he talks, all I do is talk until I found this sight, but he never talks back much, well, as much as I'd like. , he should be taken advantage of his quiet time.You know reading the Big book is like reading instructions, I don't, or I should say, didn't have the patience to concentrate on it. But now, I really want to do my best. It is really hard to do something good for me that takes effort. But now, Im SO sick of not really living and not letting people know me or me them. Im just so scared of being judged and rejected.
Our relationship is really needing help because of me. My husband is tired of seeing me so unhappy and lonely, it makes him sad and drags him down too. He even quit drinking a long time ago because of me, he's not an alcoholic. I think I discusted him away from the alcohol.
Congradulation on your soboriety!
I can't wait to be there and start making myself happy. Isnt that sad, the first thing I thought of when you said do something good for yourself, be a little selfish, I thought of shopping, But, that would just be another fix, , once in a while is okay My husband would be very happy if I started doing something for myself, he's been waiting for me to for so long. He even said I don't have to work, so I can do something for myself, which may have been the wrong thing that I did, cuz I've been completely isolated, my own fault.
Thanks, have a good weekend!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Australia
Posts: 610
Hi Nors,
welcome to the forums!
My drinking took me to a place I never want to go again. I was full of shame and self-loathing. I got sick and tired of being sick and tired and finally got desperate enough to seek help.
I went to a detox facility and met others who were in a similar situation and one of them lent me her copy of the Big Book. I couldn't concentrate enough to read some of it either, but I could read the stories of others and was relieved that they were admitting to the very things I was so ashamed of. I knew I needed to go to meetings and find people like this. And there I find the same understanding and honesty which helps me to grow more every day. There are people who have been where I am and are more than happy to help and there are also those who need help that I can give.
Today my life is good and although not always easy, my sobriety gives me a foundation on which to build a healthier and happier life. I'm living instead of existing and I know that I couldn't do this without AA.
Amy
welcome to the forums!
My drinking took me to a place I never want to go again. I was full of shame and self-loathing. I got sick and tired of being sick and tired and finally got desperate enough to seek help.
I went to a detox facility and met others who were in a similar situation and one of them lent me her copy of the Big Book. I couldn't concentrate enough to read some of it either, but I could read the stories of others and was relieved that they were admitting to the very things I was so ashamed of. I knew I needed to go to meetings and find people like this. And there I find the same understanding and honesty which helps me to grow more every day. There are people who have been where I am and are more than happy to help and there are also those who need help that I can give.
Today my life is good and although not always easy, my sobriety gives me a foundation on which to build a healthier and happier life. I'm living instead of existing and I know that I couldn't do this without AA.
Amy
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
*S*
Nors sounds like our hubbies are two peas in a pod! It's gonna be great not only making them happy again by allowing ourselves to become the girls they first married. But to be our own person and learn to come out of our shells, I to am an isolationist. And AA has given me so many new friends and hopes.
I have been able to stay busy do things around the house I haven't done in years, become more involved with hubby and kids and their activities it's a bit overwhelming at times! I didn't know I had it in me to be so active.
I'm glad your here! I look forward to getting to know you.
Nors sounds like our hubbies are two peas in a pod! It's gonna be great not only making them happy again by allowing ourselves to become the girls they first married. But to be our own person and learn to come out of our shells, I to am an isolationist. And AA has given me so many new friends and hopes.
I have been able to stay busy do things around the house I haven't done in years, become more involved with hubby and kids and their activities it's a bit overwhelming at times! I didn't know I had it in me to be so active.
I'm glad your here! I look forward to getting to know you.
Guest
Posts: n/a
WELCOME NORS:
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING AT AA MEETINGS, IF YOU
DON'T WANT TO.
I DIDN'T FOR 1 YEAR. I WAS THERE TO LISTEN. TO LEARN.
TO GRASP SOME SORT OF SOLUTION. HECK, MY MIND WAS
TO (ATE UP) TO SAY TO MUCH WITH OUT SHORTING OUT
ANY WAY.
IT WAS QUITE OBVIOUS THAT I WAS STRUGGLING WITHOUT
TALKING ABOUT IT. I WOULDN'T KNOW WHERE TO START.
MY LIFE WAS A COMPLETE MESS. ( ALL OF MY LIFE )
TO MUCH TO SAY IN 3 MINUTES.
KEEP COMING BACK !!!!
ATHORITYANGEL
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING AT AA MEETINGS, IF YOU
DON'T WANT TO.
I DIDN'T FOR 1 YEAR. I WAS THERE TO LISTEN. TO LEARN.
TO GRASP SOME SORT OF SOLUTION. HECK, MY MIND WAS
TO (ATE UP) TO SAY TO MUCH WITH OUT SHORTING OUT
ANY WAY.
IT WAS QUITE OBVIOUS THAT I WAS STRUGGLING WITHOUT
TALKING ABOUT IT. I WOULDN'T KNOW WHERE TO START.
MY LIFE WAS A COMPLETE MESS. ( ALL OF MY LIFE )
TO MUCH TO SAY IN 3 MINUTES.
KEEP COMING BACK !!!!
ATHORITYANGEL
we're all mad here!
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: a padded room with bars
Posts: 1,681
Nors,
Welcome to SR! Let us know how that first Meeting went. And, like was suggested, you don't have to talk if you don't want to. Even the second or third meeting you don't have to say anything. If called on, you can pass until you feel like talking. there won't be any pressure.
"And I've always felt like people can't love me, except for my husband, he finally convinced me that he must love me, puting up with me for this long. But it took him a while to convince me. I know it has to be my mind, cuz Im not a bad person"
------------"I've always felt like people can't love me"........ I felt like that, and still sometimes feel like that (I'm only a couple of months sober), but it does get better. It sounds like you have a great husband. And you're not a bad person!
Nors, remember that alcohol robs us of everything, including our self esteem and self will. It will take time to get these things back. So don't rush it.
"I didn't drink everyday"
---------you're bottom was a little higher than some of us, myself included. Be grateful for that!
"My friends back then use to think I was a real Jeckal and Hyde. And I use to be very sexual, like I had to have it when I was drunk... when I'd drink, the next day I'd be SO depressed, like I want to die, and Id just sleep for days"
------------this,too, is very common.
"How do you let someone know you, when you don't feel like you know yourself"
----------this will take time. The alcohol took you away from yourself. It will take time to become reaquainted with yourself, to actually BECOME yourself again. Listen to what Don W has to say....... he's right on the mark.
"You know reading the Big book is like reading instructions, I don't, or I should say, didn't have the patience to concentrate on it"
----------read the stories, then maybe read a page a day for a little while. You'll find, after awhile, that you'll want to read the whole thing. The original BB was the first 164 pages. Basically, don't sweat it
Thats enough rambling for now. Welcome!
Welcome to SR! Let us know how that first Meeting went. And, like was suggested, you don't have to talk if you don't want to. Even the second or third meeting you don't have to say anything. If called on, you can pass until you feel like talking. there won't be any pressure.
"And I've always felt like people can't love me, except for my husband, he finally convinced me that he must love me, puting up with me for this long. But it took him a while to convince me. I know it has to be my mind, cuz Im not a bad person"
------------"I've always felt like people can't love me"........ I felt like that, and still sometimes feel like that (I'm only a couple of months sober), but it does get better. It sounds like you have a great husband. And you're not a bad person!
Nors, remember that alcohol robs us of everything, including our self esteem and self will. It will take time to get these things back. So don't rush it.
"I didn't drink everyday"
---------you're bottom was a little higher than some of us, myself included. Be grateful for that!
"My friends back then use to think I was a real Jeckal and Hyde. And I use to be very sexual, like I had to have it when I was drunk... when I'd drink, the next day I'd be SO depressed, like I want to die, and Id just sleep for days"
------------this,too, is very common.
"How do you let someone know you, when you don't feel like you know yourself"
----------this will take time. The alcohol took you away from yourself. It will take time to become reaquainted with yourself, to actually BECOME yourself again. Listen to what Don W has to say....... he's right on the mark.
"You know reading the Big book is like reading instructions, I don't, or I should say, didn't have the patience to concentrate on it"
----------read the stories, then maybe read a page a day for a little while. You'll find, after awhile, that you'll want to read the whole thing. The original BB was the first 164 pages. Basically, don't sweat it
Thats enough rambling for now. Welcome!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Bellingham, Wa.
Posts: 73
Thanks everyone I just got back from Florida, my moms, (4th of July get together), had a nice time, I was surprised how strong I was able to be with my mom, she is usually very intimidating to me!
, she's an alcoholic also, always had to have control over me in every way. Maybe it's the positive things I'm starting to do for myself, and the paxil. But it was almost like a normal healthy family 80% of the time there. But, my husband was there, it's not as bad when he's there, cuz he's strong and aware of out disfunction and my mom knows it. No head games when she drinks when he's around. I can't handle that kind of thing with her anymore.:ohno!:
I thank you all for so many positive responses!!
I am So glad to find this sight, I feel like I found my family or something!
I've been to two rehabs, one in the Philippines (Subic Bay), and one in Camp Pendleton, Ca. I met some very interesting people there. I learned a lot. But, didn't apply it to me, even though I was an obviouse alcoholic. Like they saw it more than I did. Both times I was voted, a long with a couple others most likely to not succeed. I didn't think so at the time, but felt a little sketchy about it.
I mean, I did such stupid things!!! Walking a long the edges of cliffs, hanging over it. Driving all the time. Stripping in public. Going with people I don't know all the time. Hanging out with the bums drinking. 2 DUI's. Found in the ocean floating. Jumping off of cliffs into the ocean. Totalled three cars. Ended up in the hospital, with a few broken ribs, head injuries. Raped twice. Std's. Had a knife to my throat, when I was raped. One of the car crashes I was in was so bad, the car was torn completely in half, the picture of it was in the 2nd page of the newspaper!
I still did not stop drinking!! I was SO lucky that I did not kill someone, or myself!
I would of killed myself if I had to live with killing or hurting someone! It's really shameful! The things I did!! Alcohol is SO evil!!! It makes me So mad seeing them advertise it so much on tv, radios, everywhere I go, everyday!
I know they should get rid of it because of people like me, but, it's just such an aggressive, obnoxcious, violent high, disrespectful, dangerous high. And you lose so much of your life, it like takes your soul or something. I feel So thankful that my husband came into my life, cuz, he made me feel loved for the first time, it helped me a lot to become more aware of the sickness. It's like it really hit me, the last disaster. It was another disaster, but there were worse ones in the past, just this time, it was totally different. I felt everything right then and there! I had to grit my teeth and make it through all the consiquences I caused to myself with being in the emergency room from like 2am til 8am waiting to be called, blood all over me, face gashed open. Husband on business trip in another state. I was all by myself. Since my car was taken away. I had to figure out how to take a train home by myself, hadn't done it before, and I had blood all over me, my face all swollen with a black eye. In the middle of Atlanta. Im not a city girl. I felt So sick! and in pain. I actually had a bad concussion, come to find out later. Then after an hour on the train with my head down, I had to go to the front office to get them to let me in my apartment, didn't have keys. It was with the car. I had to make up a story, about being in an accident. Im sure I smelled like a brewery. I slept for days, I was just so depressed!! My husband got home a couple days later, I ended up telling him about it while he was away. When he saw me, he actually felt sorry for me and gave me a hug. Not what I expected, he usually would be so mad and distant. But I think, he knew I was different about it this time. When things like that happen, I want to throw everything away that had to do with that night, and not look at myself.
I know Im going on again, I don't want to hide it anymore, except with the non alcoholics of course. They would just not understand at all, Im sure you all know that.
You know whats weird is, the first time that I drank, about 16, I think I was an alcoholic from the very beginning. We use to call ourselves winos. There were empty bottles in the empty lockers around our from us. We'd drink all the time. One time me and my friend after drinking bottles of boone farm skipping school, we'd get a large bottle of Jack Danials, and I'd drink the whole thing down. I hated alcohol too, I'd gag til I got to a point of being to drunk to know how grose it was, and I'd keep going. Lost my virginity from being drunk, got an std the first time to. I can rub my own face in sh-t from being drunk, and I still would of drank again.
Okay, Im done. Thanks for letting me share, I wanted to share my dirt and let some of it out, it's so disfunctional, and I want a different life, I've lived like that for So long. It's almost like, I hope I don't ever feel the need to feel something crazy to happen in order to feel what Im use to, like the need to be a little nutty, if I can only get that way without drinking and being to shy to, maybe if I get comfortable with myself and others. I hate having to be quiet and shy, I not when Im around my husband, cuz Im so comfortable around him. Okay, Im really going on again. If I was in all of your faces right now I'd be too afraid to be myself like this.
Got to go. Taking to much room here,
I just got back from Florida, my moms, (4th of July get together), had a nice time, I was surprised how strong I was able to be with my mom, she is usually very intimidating to me! , she's an alcoholic also, always had to have control over me in every way. Maybe it's the positive things I'm starting to do for myself, and the paxil. But it was almost like a normal healthy family 80% of the time there. But, my husband was there, it's not as bad when he's there, cuz he's strong and aware of out disfunction and my mom knows it. No head games when she drinks when he's around. I can't handle that kind of thing with her anymore.:ohno!: I thank you all for so many positive responses!!
I am So glad to find this sight, I feel like I found my family or something! I've been to two rehabs, one in the Philippines (Subic Bay), and one in Camp Pendleton, Ca. I met some very interesting people there. I learned a lot. But, didn't apply it to me, even though I was an obviouse alcoholic. Like they saw it more than I did. Both times I was voted, a long with a couple others most likely to not succeed. I didn't think so at the time, but felt a little sketchy about it.
I mean, I did such stupid things!!! Walking a long the edges of cliffs, hanging over it. Driving all the time. Stripping in public. Going with people I don't know all the time. Hanging out with the bums drinking. 2 DUI's. Found in the ocean floating. Jumping off of cliffs into the ocean. Totalled three cars. Ended up in the hospital, with a few broken ribs, head injuries. Raped twice. Std's. Had a knife to my throat, when I was raped. One of the car crashes I was in was so bad, the car was torn completely in half, the picture of it was in the 2nd page of the newspaper!
I still did not stop drinking!! I was SO lucky that I did not kill someone, or myself!
I would of killed myself if I had to live with killing or hurting someone! It's really shameful! The things I did!! Alcohol is SO evil!!! It makes me So mad seeing them advertise it so much on tv, radios, everywhere I go, everyday!
I know they should get rid of it because of people like me, but, it's just such an aggressive, obnoxcious, violent high, disrespectful, dangerous high. And you lose so much of your life, it like takes your soul or something. I feel So thankful that my husband came into my life, cuz, he made me feel loved for the first time, it helped me a lot to become more aware of the sickness. It's like it really hit me, the last disaster. It was another disaster, but there were worse ones in the past, just this time, it was totally different. I felt everything right then and there! I had to grit my teeth and make it through all the consiquences I caused to myself with being in the emergency room from like 2am til 8am waiting to be called, blood all over me, face gashed open. Husband on business trip in another state. I was all by myself. Since my car was taken away. I had to figure out how to take a train home by myself, hadn't done it before, and I had blood all over me, my face all swollen with a black eye. In the middle of Atlanta. Im not a city girl. I felt So sick! and in pain. I actually had a bad concussion, come to find out later. Then after an hour on the train with my head down, I had to go to the front office to get them to let me in my apartment, didn't have keys. It was with the car. I had to make up a story, about being in an accident. Im sure I smelled like a brewery. I slept for days, I was just so depressed!! My husband got home a couple days later, I ended up telling him about it while he was away. When he saw me, he actually felt sorry for me and gave me a hug. Not what I expected, he usually would be so mad and distant. But I think, he knew I was different about it this time. When things like that happen, I want to throw everything away that had to do with that night, and not look at myself.
I know Im going on again, I don't want to hide it anymore, except with the non alcoholics of course. They would just not understand at all, Im sure you all know that.
You know whats weird is, the first time that I drank, about 16, I think I was an alcoholic from the very beginning. We use to call ourselves winos. There were empty bottles in the empty lockers around our from us. We'd drink all the time. One time me and my friend after drinking bottles of boone farm skipping school, we'd get a large bottle of Jack Danials, and I'd drink the whole thing down. I hated alcohol too, I'd gag til I got to a point of being to drunk to know how grose it was, and I'd keep going. Lost my virginity from being drunk, got an std the first time to. I can rub my own face in sh-t from being drunk, and I still would of drank again.
Okay, Im done. Thanks for letting me share, I wanted to share my dirt and let some of it out, it's so disfunctional, and I want a different life, I've lived like that for So long. It's almost like, I hope I don't ever feel the need to feel something crazy to happen in order to feel what Im use to, like the need to be a little nutty, if I can only get that way without drinking and being to shy to, maybe if I get comfortable with myself and others. I hate having to be quiet and shy, I not when Im around my husband, cuz Im so comfortable around him. Okay, Im really going on again. If I was in all of your faces right now I'd be too afraid to be myself like this.
Got to go. Taking to much room here,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Santa Barbara, CA
Posts: 10
Hi Nors...Welcome! Wow, that was some drunk-a-log! Thank you for sharing. I think all of those memories of where alcohol has taken me has helped me tremendously in staying sober. Hearing others' stories and identifying with them can help, too. I need to remember where I've been to remember why Iam a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I've had several people ask me recently WHY I can't drink, even after I tell them Iam an alcoholic. Many non alcoholics don't get the concept. Sometimes telling them of the loss and grief through example helps them understand.
Iam SO glad you made it out of your fog...Whew! What a relief, I'll bet. And your husband sounds like a wonderful man.
Sometimes we have to travel the roughest of roads to make it here, but you made it!
I have 4 months in a couple of days...I feel OK today. But life happens, it's not always easy. That's one of the reasons I find meetings so helpful. I personally feel incomplete and quite anxious without my meetings. Iam a creature of habit, and today, in fact, something was missing (my girlfriends and I stayed at the beach all day and I forgot about my meeting!). I don't always love going, but I never feel worse after one, only before.
Good luck, it can only get better...
Iam SO glad you made it out of your fog...Whew! What a relief, I'll bet. And your husband sounds like a wonderful man.
Sometimes we have to travel the roughest of roads to make it here, but you made it!
I have 4 months in a couple of days...I feel OK today. But life happens, it's not always easy. That's one of the reasons I find meetings so helpful. I personally feel incomplete and quite anxious without my meetings. Iam a creature of habit, and today, in fact, something was missing (my girlfriends and I stayed at the beach all day and I forgot about my meeting!). I don't always love going, but I never feel worse after one, only before.
Good luck, it can only get better...
we're all mad here!
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: a padded room with bars
Posts: 1,681
rockinsupergirl...
congrats on your 4 months!
Nors...
that is an incredible drunkalog! I'm very suprised you survived it. ANd your husband sounds more and more wonderful.
"In an eutopean world, it would not exist at all. Neither would cigarettes (another major gripe with me). And..... there would be no underground production. It would simply be cease to exist.
I'm glad to hear you're doing well, Nors! You still have to let us know how that meeting went!!
congrats on your 4 months!
Nors...
that is an incredible drunkalog! I'm very suprised you survived it. ANd your husband sounds more and more wonderful.
"In an eutopean world, it would not exist at all. Neither would cigarettes (another major gripe with me). And..... there would be no underground production. It would simply be cease to exist.
I'm glad to hear you're doing well, Nors! You still have to let us know how that meeting went!!
Last edited by MootPoint; 07-07-2003 at 07:52 AM.
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