Orion

A few months ago things were pretty much under control. I was drinking more than I should but not a tremendous amount. Maybe 30-40 beers per week. Most days I had four beers in the evening and was feeling OK.

Then out of the blue my wife leaves me, I find out she's been having an affair, and I am in the fight of my life for my kids. The stress and pressure are unlike anything I've ever experienced. I lost 20 pounds the first month alone, experienced drenching night sweats and couldn't sleep more than a few hours a night.

Meanwhile I started hitting the bottle a lot harder. I've been trying to keep it under control, but the anxiety and frustration of sitting home alone at night when I used to have my kids around and a sense of stability in my life are so difficult to bear, and drinking away the pain is too tempting to forego.

I've finally started to stabilize, and I think I'm ready to take a break. In fact, I think I need to, because there's a good chance I'll go through a custody evaluation. I am terrified by the prospect of my children being raised by their mother, whose judgment is so impaired that she ran off with a married man she met online. Incidentally, my wife has a severe online gaming addiction that leads her to neglect the children. She met her boyfriend - also addicted to gaming - while playing with him online.

I need some advice on what to do to ease real life stress so I can make the transition to full-time sobriety and step up to bat for my kids. Any tips on what might make my evenings tolerable would help.

CarolD

Sorry to know of this sad situation...

Does your lawyer have any suggestions on
how to best enhance your divorce/custody goals?

You might want to have an honest talk with
your doctor regarding anxiety solutions.

Have you considered starting a new hobby?
Something both mentally and phhysically challenging.

In early sobriety...I did AA meetings daily.
Kept me busy and helped immensley.

Welcome back to SR

nolonger

On the evenings: I am not an AAer anymore, but the way you describe things, it sounds like a whole lot of evening AA meetings would be a good thing to do. Keep you out of harm's way, you'd learn a lot, have some company and friendly people to talk to.

Orion

My lawyer's main advice is to spend as much time with the kids as I can. My wife has essentially handed the children over to her parents, and she took the car, leaving me with my pickup, which cannot seat both of them safely. That has given her a huge advantage, as I have to rely on her or her mother to deliver them to me.

The anxiety has subsided substantially, which is why I'm ready to quit drinking. Drinking only feeds it in the long run anyway -- it's just a temporary fix. I know that some of my worst days after she left were aggravated by having had too much to drink the previous day or two.

I know I can quit. I do so for a month or two every year just to "take a break" and prove I can. I quit last time my wife was pregnant out of sympathy for nearly the full term. This time, I think I need to quit for a long time, if not for good. I've started to develop some health issues that are exacerbated by beer, so I don't really have any excuses anymore.

I'd call myself a borderline alcoholic, and have been for most of the last decade. I wouldn't be overly worried if I only ever drank the way I do when life's going well, but it seems that every time I hit a rough patch my consumption level rises substantially. I worry that if I don't get it under control now it could become a full-blown, chronic addiction.

As usual, I'll taper off this time -- four a day for a week and then quit. I only get mild withdrawal symptoms (anxiety and sleeplessness) with that regimen. The last thing I need now is her attorney coming up with alcohol treatment as proof positive that I shouldn't get custody.

Thanks for the advice, nolonger. I think that's a good idea. AA is "anonymous" after all, so they can't use that against me in court. Also, I could really, really use the fellowship.

Signal30

I didn't start drinking until after or because my now ex-wife left me. It's not her fault I drank. I chose to pour the beer down my throat.

The program of AA and the steps help me live life on life's terms. I now accept the things I cannot change, and now have a great life with a new family. Nothing in Gods world happens by mistake. We may not know what is in store for us in the future, but somewhere down the road it always seems to pull together and make sense.

I was devastated when my ex-wife left me. I blamed God, her, her family and me. But if it were not for her leaving, I would of never drank, then never went into recovery, never would realize and be able to handle problems with me I've been struggling with my whole life.

I would of never of met my soon to be wife, and would of never had the handsome 2 year old son I am blessed with. I don't regret the past. I thank God for giving me all the gifts in my life.

Before recovery, I was too busy wallowing in self-pity and too self-involved to be able to see all the people, places, emotions, and things that I am blessed with. I was blinded and rendered stupid by my drinking and the thinking that goes along with it.


I can't speak enough of the gratitude I have, so I do my best to show my gratitude through action by helping others as others have helped me. Paying it forward.

If you have the desire to stop drinking, and are willing to go to any length to achieve sobriety, you can and WILL be able to handle ANYTHING that comes your way. The proof are the many that walk our earth around us. I see them daily!!!

Tom

Orion

I'm still pretty bitter at this point. It's hard not to blame people when you feel stabbed in the back, but I am just starting to get the feeling that this might turn out for the better.

I look forward to eventually being able to help others. However, I act through words (I'm a writer), so I've got to keep speaking - or writing - about it to get anything done!

Thanks for the encouragement, Tom. Several men who have been through the same thing (it amazes me how their stories are often so similar to mine) have given me essential support throughout this difficult time.

Signal30

Orion,

If you like to write how you feel, then you will LOVE a Fourth Step inventory. But one step at a time.

Take it day by day. Concentrate on you and getting sober. Through time and work you can achieve not only physical sobriety, but emotional sobriety. I exercise what I learn and learned in the program of AA daily, and have the tools and support from others. I never have to handle anything alone!!! And neither do you.

Yeah, divorce sucks. But drinking out of anger and resentment is no different than drinking poison hoping the other person dies. I tried drinking my sorrows, resentments, and fears away. It didn't work.


Tom

Tazman53

Welcome to SR Orion, AA I have found to be not only a life saver for me, but a way of life that has made me a far better and happier person then I have been in well over 30 years.

Sorry to hear about your marriage situation, my first wife left me with 3 kids ages 10 to 13, talk about going on a bender......... thank God my neighbors took care of my kids for a couple of days. In the long run it came out for the better, I met and married the love of my life, gained a wonderful step daughter, and identical twin girls.

Take it a day at a time, grab the phone book and call your locall AA hotline and let them know basically what is going on and ask about types of meetings in your area, you should have quite a few in a city of the size you live in.

When you decide on where to go for your first meeting go a little bit early just to BS a bit and plan to stay a little late.

BTW you do not have to say a single word in a meeting if you don't want to.

One other important note, the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking, so if you find you can not stop go to a meeting anyhow, trust me you will not be the first person who has been drinking coming to an AA meeting, years before I got serious about getting sober I went to one fall down drunk and I was still made more then welcome.

Orion

I hate being drunk in front of others. Instead, I get plowed alone and rage or spill my tears in the solitude of a dim, quiet house. I don't know why, but the emotional release can be very comforting. Perhaps that is the root of the problem.

I think to attend an AA meeting immediately I'd have to either quit or go to a meeting before the evening, which is when I drink. I'm going to try to quit before going, but if I can't manage it I'll find a daytime meeting.

Tazman53

Orion believe me when I say that the many of us in AA probably would not have gone to AA if we could have quit without AA! I went through detox before I started going to my local AA, I was a royal mess my first night in detox when I went to my first AA meeting there! I was still welcome with open arms.

Rimmy

Sober, you can manage this awful situation and keep it in perspective...

Drunk, you might make your life unmanageable, and cause more long term harm regarding custody etc...

Keep it as simple as you can and I'm sorry to hear about your situation. When I first read it, my old self kicked in and thought, "well, if there's any reason to drink, that would be it"... then my new self kicked the old self in the ass and said, "no, if there's any reason NOT to drink, that would be it"

Hang in there

22NGONE

Orion,

I know all too well the feelings you are having. I too was caught by surprise and left alone. I can tell you that drinking only makes you all alone, drunk and still getting a divorce. AA has been a big help to me and this forum as well. It's a long hard road so you need to put yourself in the best possible situation for your children. This thing doesn't go away so you'll have to live with it. I'm 3.5 months in and no end in sight, God Bless you and good luck.

John

RufusACanal

Orion welcome. Acceptance is the key. We all have had situations that cause pain, which became the best excuse to drink. Drinking is the issue. Make a decision and take some action on the drinking. Best to you.

Orion

Yes, that's starting to dawn on me. Drinking certainly won't improve the outcome.

Damn right. Isn't it an unfortunate paradox that drinking can make you feel like your coping even as it steals your ability to shape up and deal with the unpleasant business that whets the thirst in the first place?

Thanks for the support and wisdom, people. I come here from time to time when I need it.

Freedom1990

There isn't anything so bad that drinking won't make it worse.

I clearly remember when my oldest daughter's father tried to sue me for custody after our divorce. I drank my way right out of that marriage, and it was only with the help of a good attorney that he did not get his daughter.

I 'straightened' up during that whole awful process of having SRS do a home investigation and all the court hearings, but I was never able to stay sober for my daughter's sake.

I had to give up any illusion that I had control over my drinking, and accept just how unmanageable my life had become.