sobergirl77

Ugh... I've made it 24 days and I am soooooooo close to relapsing.

My feelings have been all over the place, one minute up and the next down at rock bottom. I'm having some differences of opinion with my sponsor and am looking for a new one... met a guy in AA who I have "fallen for" and for which feelings are getting in my way of recovery. However, he has helped me more than anyone else that I've met so far. He hasn't made any inappropriate moves or anything but we are spending significant time together, at meetings, out to lunch and/or dinner. I am so upset with myself right now for falling for someone who is supposed to only be a friend.

I'm a big mess right now! And just 2 days ago I was doing great...

I just want to be recovered so I can get on with my life! Is that too much to ask?? Is all of this normal? The damn liquor store is screaming my name right now and I don't know what to do.

sugErspun

What do you mean by "differences of opinion" with a sponsor? AA's twelve steps are not a matter of opinion- they are 'clear cut directions' - layed out in the big book.

I don't know about your 'relationship' - maybe it will work out for you. But - more than once I have drank again because my focus was on anything but working the steps ( 2 times getting at least 'emotionally' involved with gals I met through the program...generally 'new' relationships in early sobriety are frowned upon because the folks involved end up drinking again.

Rowan

Get to a meeting, and focus on connecting with people of the same sex. Connections with other women literally made the difference for me. You can see that your focus has shifted from recovery to this guy, so why not take action and start spending time apart?
I speak from painful experience in this area.
Don't drink. It certainly won't help.

Ananda

I know I have had a crush on someone in the program. I don't like the term crush, but its easier than trying to explain.

I had to be sure to focus on recovery and on my female relationships. It took time, but I'm in better balance now. Still like the guy, but only seems to cause me problems about every 2 weeks, and then not for long.

As far as sponsorship relations, I have had problems at time with the "suggetions" of my sponsor on HOW to work the steps. We continue to work through them together. She accepts my honesty and hard work, and I value her experience. I try to not react in the moment to my knee jerk reactions, and she is understanding that these things happen.

Together we find a way to help us grow in our journey through the steps in sobriety.

Just keep on doing what you can, and give things time.

kj3880

I guess that is why so many people that have successful recoveries do refrain from relationships for a year or so. I think because there are many meetings in my area that I would find meetings that the guy I had a crush on did not attend until I felt more clear-headed and able to control myself in the matter. But that's just me, and I'm kind of old, I guess. I wouldn't even cross the street to meet a cute guy, got too much going on right now in my recovery to mess it up with the menfolk. Whenever I find myself flirting, I move away physically from the men and ask God to help me to keep the focus on my recovery. Hope that helps a little.
kj

Music

This is exactly why we're advised not to get into a relationship until we're secure in our sobriety. Getting emotionally involved distracts from the primary purpose of staying sober. These distractions aren't needed and are dangerous. I'd bet $5 dollars that your sponsor problems are centered around your relationship. Finding someone who'll agree with what you're doing will really set things straight.....right? There are obvious reasons one shouldn't get involved and you're experiencing one of those reasons. I know you're going to put a BUT or a YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND in here somewhere so go ahead, bring it on.

RufusACanal

Not drinking today is the first goal. Go to a meeting, eat plenty of good food, pray, relax, talk to women in the program at length, get to bed early and don't drink. You know the booze does not call you, you call the booze. As you go through the day, know that we are with you, cheering you on. Why complicate your life with a relationship now? You are the most important person in the world to you today - absolutely no one is more important than you when it comes to your recovery and your new life; act like it. I love you and know you will succeed!

four812

It can be a very rocky road when we begin 'trying to change'. I've been 'trying to change' for so long. I can only say TRYING, because I haven't changed much.

I'm noticing that I don't want to feel the aching of lonliness in my gut. lonliness and anger are the two main feelings that I've ran away from for years. That lonliness one is a killer.

If you make it through today, just before you go to bed you may feel very good about this day....

wish you the best

CarolD

I ask my sponsees to finish their Steps before starting
a new relationship. Those who do ...have a smoother time.

I decided to take a man break for 1 year.
I strongly suggest you do too.

AA men who are working a solid program
would not be dating you this soon
He is not doing the correct thing
as you are too darn shakey
He is a cad.

RufusACanal

Two sickie's do not make a wellie!

Dean62

My sponsor told me if I put something before recovery it will be the first thing I lose when I start drinking again.

I'm still sober.

sobergirl77

OK I called a few AA friends and one of them talked to me for a good half hour... gave me their opinion on the situation and helped me through my feelings. I'm attending a 5:30 meeting (actually doing service work and picking up someone who needs a ride to it) then going to a new 7:30 meeting. The desire to drink has lessened considerably.

My sponsor problem isn't related to the guy problem. She is almost never available via phone, never calls me, and rarely has time to work with me on the steps. She is having me do a workbook (non AA literature) that is a huge waste of time. (25 pages of writing that drums Step 1 into my head repeatedly). I'm already through steps 1 and 2, but she never seems to have time to work with me on the 3rd step prayer.

I'm going to just avoid the guy for a few days and go to meetings that I'm sure he won't be at. (Easy to do because I know his schedule). You all are right, I don't need this distraction right now.

The fact that I am sick to my stomach, barely able to eat and suffering from PAWS doesn't help matters........... grr.

RufusACanal

Excellente Sobersenorita! LOL Stay in today! Yesterday is history and tomorrow is a mystery, today is the present from God. Boyfriends will come and go, but your new life might get one shot. That feeling of accomplishment that you are getting right now is the result of right thinking, right action and the power of something greater than you lifting you above the fray! Today, you are a winner in this thing called life!

...and you know what else? You give to each of us here, the gift of love by trusting us to be with you as you grow. That's the best!


Ron

kj3880

Great job on your clearer thinking on this matter. You are accepting suggestions from your fellow f-ups and addicts, hehe. That means you are growing as a person!!! I'm really happy to hear that. It sure is hard to humble yourself and do that, you seem to be doing what you need to do to get past this crush for now. And remember, that relationship might well be there in say, a year or so, who knows? If it was meant to be it'll come to you at a better time. Do you have someone in mind for a new sponsor? I have yet to find one...and I have been going to NA for about 2 mos. now, clean for 38 days. Good job in putting your program ahead in your priorities.
kj

Rimmy

Just don't let go of the great!!! Life has it's ups and downs, on many levels. Ditching the urge to drink the second that thing's swing towards the down side is super hard to do. So think about where you want to be 2 days from now... ...feeling like crap and regretting drinking, or feeling proud about rebuilding your inner strengths by living life on lifes terms and not escaping through a drink.

Keep it in perspective my friend! You don't need a drink, you probably just kinda think you could use one... but you know where that leads.

Hang in there.. you are doing great!

Zanthos

Ugh! No wonder you feel like drinking!

In my book, a man should not be spending a lot of time with a woman who is only 24 days sober. That's not appropriate. And your reaction to the situation is the reason why.

But the even bigger problem is the last thing you said -- "be recovered" so you can get on with your life???

If you're an alcoholic like I'm an alcoholic, your recovery WILL BE your life. Forever and ever. And that won't be a bad thing! It will be a wonderful, blessed, joyous thing. It will mean that your eyes have opened to a lifelong process of growth and change. That you will have learned how to nurture yourself and celebrate your life for as long as you continue to enjoy the privilege of being alive.

Recovery is truly a higher order of living. It is a lifelong adventure in being alive. It is the most extraordinary thing a human being can possibly experience. It creates a sense of gratitude about being an alcoholic, a strange sense of being fortunate to have been burdened with this fatal disease.

If you "get it", you will not want to "get on with" any previous conception of your life that you ever had.

So find some people in AA that are truly comfortable in their own skins and stick with them. And give yourself TIME. Lots and lots of time. It gets so much better!

Zanthos

Just my thoughts on this, but maybe "thinking about" drinking when only 24 days sober and very stressed is pretty natural. And in and of itself, no indication of whether Step One has been worked well yet.

However, thinking about drinking, even really badly wanting to drink, and then:

• posting a message in a recovery forum
• calling friends in AA
• reaching out and asking for help
• continuing to go to meetings
• seeking advice and guidance
• avoiding an unhealthy situation
• realizing that recovery is more important than certain feelings one is having...

I say "Wow!" Someone has learned that alcohol is not the answer. That's working a great program!

lilbit

Yowza! So the booze thrus are calling ya....gotta keep rollin past 'em. Kinda tuff at first ....I know...LORD DO I EVER KNOW! But...in time if ya just hang in there fer one day at a time...you'll just breeze on by...like the wind....just adjust yer sails and go with the flow....you can do this if you put yer mind to it. Just for today...all day...one day at a time....
LOVE YA! no matter what.
*
The Bitz

caraway

Oh, I like that lilbit - 'adjust your sails and go with the flow' I find that helps me too.

beingjenagain

Hey Sobergirl!! You are right behind me...don't start your count all over again!! I am picking up my 30 day chip tomarrow and you are almost ready for yours. Get to as many meetings as you can, take a long walk, go to the animal shelter and walk some poor dogs locked in jail and rejoice that you have your freedom!!!!
Ditch the guy for awhile and be glad that you can. I wish I could get rid of my husband for a month or so and focus just on me a little more!!
Sending big hugs your way
Jen:ghug3