jazzz

I drank yesterday again, after being sober for 6 weeks. I’ve been binge drinking for the last 10 years with the last 5 years increasing in intensity. Sometimes I’d drink 3-4 days. But then again in the last months it hasn’t been that bad. “Only” 2 times a week or so. The last 3 or 4 years I don’t know how often I’ve said to myself “I’m gonna stop drinking” but I never followed through with it. I knew I had a problem with alcohol but I just wasn’t causing enough havoc around me to have a real reason to stop. The only reason was me. I hated the hangovers and the fact that life was boring and meaningless if it wasn’t for the weekends. I couldn’t function when I had been drinking and my life revolved so much around “the drinking”.
I’m also a musician and I guess you know what comes with it. A lot of opportunities to drink and I’d gladly do so with EVERY opportunity. I sing. I’m the frontman in a pretty popular band although you wouldn’t know it because it’s “local”. And there’s no “fame” related to it so don’t go there. I just thought I’d let you know.
Anyway, after several missed attempts at trying to stop drinking (for a while anyway) I did so succesfylly about sex weeks ago. And I’ve done well. Haven’t had a drink for six weeks and it has been great. It’s been pretty hard at times but I’ve stayed strong. Oh, I began by taking Antabus but I got a bit drowsy from it so I stopped and found I could avoid the drink anyway. And I’ve thoroughly enjoyed it even though I have missed getting wasted a lot. But waking up with no hangovers has been great. And being able to think more clearly has also been great.
The thing is I don’t know if I’m an alcoholic. The people around me are like “you quit for a while so when will you start again??” Just a few have said “good for you!” Becuase I’m fun when I drink. I’m more outgoing when I drink. I do crasy stuff when I’m drunk and it’s all laughed at. Sometimes it gets out of hand and I black out. I’ve blacked out a lot. But it’s pretty normal around my people so “it’s ok. Just drink less the next time”. Yeah right! I’ve found that I drink to be more outgoing and to like myself more. I’ve got selfesteem issues. I also just like to drink. One time I drank, puked, and drank some more so I could go to a family gathering. But just one time. Sometimes I drink alone on sundays to get the worst from the hangovers away. Just a bit. So I can fall asleep.
I drank yesterday for the first time in 6 weeks but I didn’t like it as I thought I would. It was just the same old drinking and having more to drink. Couldn’t stop really. Ended up at a friends house, smoked marijuhana and passed out. It messed my head up. Why do I do that when it messes with my head so often?? It’s like I’m punishing myself for something. Woke up with a splitting headache and had to go to a family dinner at my parents’ (which by the way are recovering alcoholics). I came, I ate but I was in a bad mood. Didn’t really wanna be there and didn’t talk much. Oh it reminded me why I decided to stop the drinking. I just hate myself. I love to drink but I hate the way it makes me feel afterwards but I still decide it’s worth it. Why?? And why do so many people do that? And why don’t they understand and respect when someone decides to quit? It’s like everyone is under an alcoholic spell. Even those who can drink “normally”. I really really want to live my life WITHOUT alcohol becuase I truly believe that my potential is so much greater without it. But it’s HARD to quit.for real. Yesterday was a perfect excuse to drink. Everything was perfect. I drank. I was being “me” again. But not the real me. The one who drinks a lot and hates everything around it because everything is colored with alcohol.

(insert screaming here).

I just had to let this out. Sorry because I know a lot of you guys go through a lot more than I have.

Thanks for listening.

Anna

Hi Jazzz,

That's what addiction is. We drink because we're addicted to alcohol.

Good for you for getting through six weeks. I found that stopping drinking was the beginning of the journey. For me, that's when the hard work began. I had to take a really hard look at myself, where I was in my life and everything about it and I needed to make some changes. In my opinion, if you're friends are encouraging you to drink, then stay away from them for awhile. Change was necessary for me, in order to stay sober. I'm glad you're trying again!

stone

Firstly, 6 weeks is an achievement so well done. Now you know it is possible and can be done again.

Youre right, it IS hard! But its possible.

I know what you mean about it being like youre punishing yourself, it is like commiting violence on ourselves, low self esteem or some sort of self hatred, who knows.

I am trying again myself, this time I am immersing myself in Buddhist stuff more, I have always been interested in it anyway. Quitting on willpower alone is very hard.

Try again as soon as possible!

unigirl

Hi Jazz - i can identify a lot with what you shared there. A lot of ppl around me would question me when i told them i had stopped drinking. Im 20 and at uni- not many ppl round here are quitting drinking as they're alcoholic! For years (since i began at 14) i had the "just drink less next time" from mates - and like u i couldn't! I'd get really frustrated with them - but manily at myself. They didnt know about alcoholism- i do now , so i try not to judge them for their opinions. I know the feelings drink brings the next day. But i used all too easily forget that- and focus on what drinking did for me - it took me out of myself - it made me confident anf helped with self esteem....for a night.

But since joining A.A and getting on the program of recovery i have had to get honest with myself. I now can see that alcohol just took from me - it took control over me -because im an alcoholic. Alcohol may have temporarily made me more outgoing etc but the next i'd be full of guilt, shame and remorse. In the end i was just left with no se;f respect - therefore no confidence/self esteem. I'm only sober a few months now and still have so much more to learn, but from what i have learnt i can see how alcohol just isnt for me- what so ever. It destroyed me - not necessarily financially/ physically but definatley spiritually and mentally and emotionally.

I would deffo suggest AA if you want to quit and need some help with it - get a sponser, get on the program - get to many meetings. These were all things suggested to me when i decided i'd had enough and gave in - and they really do work. Both my parents are also recovering alcoholics- and both have been in AA many, many years- i can see it really does work if you put the effort in. I wish you well - try not to focus tooo much on the relapse, beating yourself up about it,i know it's hard bt i've done it before- many have, just try to learn from it- thnk about what you maybe could have done differently and try it this time round. Keep us posted- you have many ppl here who will be able to help you

laurie6781

Please go back and read your post, especially as you describe how long and how you drink as if someone else wrote it, and then answer the question do you think you are alcoholic or not.

Your post has given you your answer. As to why you drank again? Well I would venture first because you are alcoholic and that is what alcoholics do, and second because drinking is an excellent way to hide ones self from self.

I can tell you that a person who is a 'social drinker' ie having one once in a while or a glass of wine with dinner DOESN'T BLACK OUT. Black outs are a sign of MAJOR problems with alcohol.

You see I loved alcohol. I loved the way it tasted and the way it smelled, I loved what it did to me and what it did for me. What I didn't like was the way I would feel if I stopped, so...................................I solved that.........................I went from being a 'binge' drinker to a 'daily' drinker, all day and all night. Solved the 'hangover problem' boy did I ever.

That is until it killed me. Yes, I said killed me. I did die, and I have the ER medical records to prove it. I also disproved the doctors who said I would be dead by 30 and didn't actually die until 3 weeks shy of my 36th birthday. Now that's quite an accomplishment isn't it? (said sarcastically).

So, you can continue your binges and have them slowly or quickly get closer and closer together, or you can do some real 'soul searching', pick up a copy of "Under The Influence", try some AA meetings if nothing else, to get an idea of how us sober alkies live as we come from all walks of life. There are also other 'recovery programs' such as SMART that are having some good success, and above all don't drink while doing this research, and do it just one day at a time.

Exactly, it was an excuse. I think I still have packed away somewhere my "Excuse Calendar" and I kid you not, it has an 'excuse to drink' for every day of the year, I think one of them is Bluebeard's marriage to his 4th wife. Did I go to extremes? I didn't think so until I got sober and found many others in sobriety that at one time or another had used the same calendar. Finally figured out it had been conceived by a practicing alkie, rofl.

Does it bother you that you may be just like your parents? Are you still trying to prove you are not? I personally feel that Alcoholism runs in some families, it sure did in mine.

Now you know you drank. You are coming to realize you don't like the aftermath, so........................my question to you is:

What are you going to do about it?

You are the only one who can decide. What is your choice? Continue sporadically going on a binge, or putting your whole heart and soul into not drinking One Day At A Time?

Your choice.....................................

J M H O

Love and hugs,

CarolD

When I was a drinker...I srrounded myself with other drinkers.
I even made my living in restaurants..hotels...bars.

I had to change my social and business choices
because drinking was making me depressed and I hated myself.

Wisest move I ever made....

Please take your earlier sobriety success
use it for a base for a new beginning.

Yes! there is joy
and health and an awesome future with sobriety.

Signal30

When I first got sober, I just wanted to kick my addiction to drinking. Then as time and progression into recovery passed, I learned that I could use the tools my recovery program has taught me to handle situations in my life that were causing me to drink, or should I say me "thinking" I needed to drink in the first place.


Once I started the path to sobereity, I learned that there was alot about me that needed to be changed. One of the best things I learned was that change for the better wasn't only possible probable, but certain as long as I did my best and put forth the work to make those changes possible. One of the first things I had to change was, instead of waiting for my turn to speak, to actually listen.



Tom

miss communicat

Dear Jazzz,

I'm glad you are still trying. Don't ever give up. The part of your post that I quoted reminded me of what helps me to stay away from a drink:

HALT

You've no doubt heard of this acronym before. It stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired. Often, one or more of these conditions is present prior to the urge or desire to drink.

But, I've personally found that it should be written: O'HALT (if you're Irish...) or HALTO (if you're Italian...)

The "O" stands for Opportunity.

For the alcoholic to want to drink can merely be because there is the opportunity to. This means that if my sobriety is still shaky or fragile in any other way, I must avoid placing myself in places or situations where the opportunity to drink is strong.

I share this in the hope that it may help you as you carry on in your good efforts at sobriety.
keep posting with us. we care!

Tazman53

Jazzz first let me congradulate you on 6 weeks sober, then let me quote you:

Just one simple suggestion, why not sit down with your parents and discuss their drinking and thier recovery?

Be open with them about your drinking career, keep in mind if they are in recovery they know what honesty is all about and when it comes to drinking I doubt you will shock either of them.

What you shared with us tells me that you and your parents have some very common ground and if you are honest with them, you will be really surprised how open they will be with you and I bet they will be more then happy to share with you how they recovered.

I did with my son, he is sober today.

RufusACanal

Sounds like you have problems. There are solutions if you are ready to get to work. Obviously your way of stopping and staying stopped has not worked. Have you had enough to drink? If you haven't, cool. If you think that maybe you have had all you need, just say so. There are folks here who know from personal experience how to stay stopped and live free. The decision is up to you; no one else is responsible.

This is a simple decision, if you have drank all you need to, say so. If you are ready to take direction, say so. You will get the help you require if you continue to say yes to the last statements, I promise.

Best to you!@

jazzz

Alright you guys. Thanks for the replies

I was really starting to see things more clearly when I "plunged", or dived in. Actually I'm just trying to remember right now what caused me to drink again. Oh yeah, everything was fine and I was only going to have a few. I would have fun, maybe find a nice girl. I know that this loniliness I feel is a big reason I drink. I need to connect, I need to be fun, I need to...There are all these needs I think I can fullfil by drinking.
Anyway I was thinking about "mindsets". Because ever since I drank last week it is like my mindset changed. My mind became alcoholic once again. I had a couple of beers again on thursday. Enjoyed it but thought alot about that next beer. Yesterday I had some more and it just wasn't great. I really just wanted to have some more.
And now I'm all preoccupied with the drinking again. I want to but I can't because it ***** me up! It screws me over so badly...aaargh!
So in the end, for me, I need to have clear mind to have a sober mindset. Once I drink one beer, my mindset is once again alcoholic. It's scary!
...and by the way, I'm jumping back on the wagon today. I can do it bacause I really really hate the way it's gonna meek me feel tomorrow if I get wasted tonight. Is it gonna be worth it?? No way!

jazzz

Okey...I see how this last post sounded a bit..weird! No responses from anyone and I thought "am I not making myself clear?"
Just trying to get my head around this alcoholism. I guess since I'm dwelling so much on the subject and I'm posting random thoughts on this forum should be an indicator.

I guess the deal wit me is simply that I hate hangovers and how my psyche becomes like when I'm hungover and that's alot of the time. I don't keep on drinking alot, I just let the comedown be a bit softer. And then I'm just waiting for recovery and return to binge drinking. It's an evil circle..and I want to break it and make my life revolve around something more.

Thanks again for your thoughtful replies

CarolD

Glad to see you again...

I did not reply to your post #11 because
it's important for you to work out what is beneficial for you.

It's your life and future ...please choose wisely.

warrens

A lot of good replies here. Hope you read them carefully.

The good news is that you know that you can stop. But it is guaranteed that our minds will convince us that we can control it. I think most of us have fallen into that trap at least once. You are not unique in that respect.

But something that has not been raised is another reason why we return. Early in our drinking, alcohol does its job wonderfully. Gaiety, good times, it is a real mood elevator and social lubricant. Our brains remember those times and we try hard to recapture those great moments.

What we learn by relapsing is that those times are gone. Our disease has progressed to the point where we drink to toxicity. We can't enjoy 2-3 beers, because we are craving more. Like has been said, normal drinkers do not black out. They do not binge. They do not drink to toxicity.

I hope that you realize now that those great times are long gone and cannot be recaptured. In that regard we are no longer "normal." Our drinking has ceased to be a voluntary respite from the crush of life and has become what it is-a disease.

We can grieve this change but it does no good. Every time we go back out the results are the same or even worse. Never better. Never like it was at the beginning. The thrill is gone...

Hope you use your experience to your advantage. I hope you can look through sober eyes and realize that the love affair with alcohol is over or she will do you in.

warren