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question for those that are parents

Old 05-09-2008, 09:20 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Perhaps it's not in the spirit of giving expecting nothing in return, but so be it - it's how I think and feel.

I have three children eighteen and older living under my roof - all my sons. Although I recognize their ability and right to make their own decisions, regardless of whether or not they are in line with my wishes for them, I do have the power to put conditions on those actions. Even if they didn't live here, if they still required support from me - whether through financial support or insurance coverage - I expect to know how they are using that support. If they borrow my car, I expect to know where they are taking it and if anyone else will be with them. As they are living under my roof, I expect to be consulted when they stay out late or all night - meaning, I want to know where they are and how I can reach them.

We call this respect in my house. You may not live with your parents, but you do benefit from their support. If I were your mother, I would appreciate respect from you in the form of you informing me before I have to find out through a third party that my support was required for something I would have concerns about. "Sins of omission" - you not telling me about it - amounts to a lie in my eyes. And in my family, lies are always worse than the truth.

My kids say their father and I are strict, but they also don't complain (much) about it. As a result of this expectation of honesty and respect, I know which of my children have drank alcohol, which have tried drugs (and which drugs), and which are sexually active (and the one time they choose not to use protection). In expecting this respect, I also have to be willing to hear some things that most parents don't want to hear, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let my hangups and aversions to "TMI" put me in a position where I cannot be helpful to my children because I don't know what's going on with them.

I know I went into more depth than required, but this is something I feel strongly about and I've avoided replying to your initial inquiry because I knew where I'd go with it. Some folks don't like strong opinions - but you asked.

Em, quit lying to your parents. They've provided you with support, and it's disrespectful that you're keeping this from them.

Peace & Love,
Sugah
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Old 05-09-2008, 09:27 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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In a year it won't matter. If typical, you will be off of your parent's insurance. You'll be able to go to the ER as often as you want in complete discreetness.

But, are your parents really the issue here?

I am an alcoholic and have never been close to needing medical care for my drinking. Something is amiss here. Requiring ER treatment for alcohol consumption is not even close to being a "normal experience." Multiple times?

I am confused as to why you think that the only help you need is physiological. You may not be an alcoholic. I'm not suicidal. But if I decide to play Russian Roulette with a revolver, something is surely amiss. If I were your family, and I passed the time playing Russian Roulette, might you not suggest that I needed help in thinking rationally?

At least being an alcoholic would put a reason to your behavior. Please, get a clue before your parents have to pay for a funeral.

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Old 05-09-2008, 09:39 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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One of my sons is an alcoholic, he told me so and I did not get mad, hell I wasn't hurt or dissappointed, I was glad that he knew he had a problem and he had enough trust and respect for me that he called me!!

Parents love and support thier children no matter what!

Heck my kids loved me when I was drinking, they had no respect for me though.
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Old 05-09-2008, 10:08 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Great point there Taz. Love is unconditional, for the most part. I have loved many people that I did not necessarily respect, so to speak. Love can be true, but respect must be earned.

And although sorry to hear about your son, it's good that he is open to the awareness. Until I admitted to people close to me that I had a problem, I wasn't on my way to recovery.
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Old 05-09-2008, 10:18 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
ever closer...
 
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Em, I certainly don't know your parents and didn't mean to assume I knew anything about you but most often when someone is worried that another will find out their secret, no matter what it is, there are deeper issues.

This forum is about alcoholism and how to recover not about how to sneak around your family. Avoiding important issues will only make them more complex in the long run.

Wishing you the best of luck in your decision
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Old 05-11-2008, 05:57 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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When I first found out (or rather realized) my son was into alcohol and drugs I was really angry at him. I couldnt understand why he was doing this to himself. After all he was an A student, etc etc. He started this at 14. But as time has gone on I understand things up to a point and realize it is a horrible addiction he sometimes can and cant control. I have learnt to accept I cant change his ways, even though I still sometimes feel disappointed, I absolutely love him as his mother and support him. I am very lucky we have a great understanding of one another, he knows my boundaries and I know his, if you know what I mean.
I cant honestly say that I think any parent would accept this with open arms and say for telling me. Its a shock, I mean, your child, the one you brought up with love, guidance etc etc.
Love is unconditional I think, even when other emotions take over at different times, I think most parents will be there at the end of the day. Just my two cents worth.
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Old 05-11-2008, 11:56 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Thank you everyone for the advice I have a lot to think about.

I think i'm going to just pay for the ambulance bill myself and not submit it to the insurance. If my parents ask about the hospital visit i'll just say that i tripped and fell when i was out at a bar and had to get stitches because that is still bad but better than what happened. I am just not ready to tell them.

Someone asked about me going to AA in a post. I have gone once last week and I do plan on going again. I also might go to my doctor and let him know what is going on and see what he thinks I should do.

thanks again for the advice.
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