Featherqwest

I have been drinking really hard for the last 3 years. Stopping for a few months and picking it back up again. Now my feed are going numb. First signs that booze is really affecting my body. I went to AA meetings. Women's meetings here locally. I was attacked by several of the "sober" members. For no reason they were really a bunch of rude rich women with no sense to be a sponser. I just stopped going and picked the bottle back up again.

Many complained about dumb stuff. I had more deeper rooted problems that they could never relate too. Now my husband and daughter graduate school this coming Saturday.

None of them really care about the pains of supporting them and working my tail off to support them.

I worked the AA steps. I will need to go back to meeting but not here in North Carolina. The local folks seem to have a different agenda.

Rimmy

As a follow up to my previous comment about letting go of the control...

One thing that always doomed me was I thought I could control it. I learned over 10years ago that I could no longer smoke pot, because it mixed with the alcohol in a bad way. I learned over 8 or 9 years ago that I could not drink hard alcohol at all because it added way too much to the beer buzz. I chose to never start smoking cigarettes. I gave up acid 15 years ago, stopped ecstacy and shrooms 12 or 13 years ago. 15 years ago, experimented with crack and decided this is stupid and stopped. Fairly recently, I've been exposed to coke a few times and have simply said no-thanks. I no longer hang out with that crowd.

So if I could control all of those things, I could eventually control alcohol... except I thought the control was moderating. And because it was just beer, it shouldn't be that hard. 3 or 4 days later, buck to a case a day and I'm an idiot again.

Funny thing is, in order to control all those other things, I had to STOP doing them... deerrrrrrrr... Hello! McFly!!! Was I the idiot or what.

Actually, writing my past is scary... Things could have gone a lot worse for me if I didn't make some good decisions a long time ago... I guess I should find some solice in that.

RufusACanal

Excuses are like (Fill in the Blank), everyone has one. People at AA meetings and their lack of sympathy never made me go back to drink, I was not done drinking, so I drank. My employment, my relationships, my childhood all were never the reason to drink, I wanted to continue drinking. No one understanding how bad my life had become was not the reason I drank. I always drank because I wanted to drink. Monday through Sunday, Morning and Night, Holiday or not, the right time and the wrong time, I drank. I drank because I had crossed a line at some point in life and I was a Alcoholic.

Who in the world but a Drunk would remotely consider controlling their drinking; this is insane! How can you stay sober for four months and then drink again? The answer is you were not completely full of booze. You were not done drinking. Most Drunks are really chick**** at heart; they quit because they don't feel well, not because they want to stop something that is killing them. Self-centeredness and sef-pity fill your days; if everything is not about you then oh poor me. How do I know? I am talking about me and those who cared enough about me to share the same; we are not that unique.

If you want compassion go to church, if you want the truth, go to an AA meeting and listen. You too can recover; admit your lack of power, recognize your wrecked life, ask God for freedom and follow the path that millions of men and women have worked to find before you in AA. A new life is yours, if you work for it.

Thank you all for excellent comments.

gravity

Why did I start drinking again?

I would put together some sober time, refuse to believe that I am an alcoholic, try to moderate.

Other times, I was in such mental turmoil, getting drunk was my only solution – alcoholic or not. This was happening more often near the end of my drinking.



I do wonder about “drinking until you get completely full”. I’m trying to understand the implications.

Could I have quit drinking 5 years ago before things got decidedly worse? I went from one night binges to 3 day benders with increasing frequency. I was deeply hurting everyone around me, risking everything. There was more than enough evidence that I was an alcoholic.

Alternately, do I have to drink another 5 years, drinking getting progressively worse, lose my family, career, sanity? When am I “full”?

Why, on December 16, 2007, did everything come together the way it did? I was in absolute personal Hell and I reached out to AA. I had to call about 5 different numbers. What if I gave up after 4? What if the man I talked to didn’t immediately invite me to his home? What if I didn’t force myself to go to my first AA meeting on December 17? This was the start of my journey and everything keeps coming together – strengthening my sobriety.

While I feel strong, I know all too well that I am one drink away from throwing my life away and devastating my family. It would be as simple as having a beer with my lunch today.

I recognize now that I was delusional – “A false belief strongly held in spite of invalidating evidence”. Physically, spiritually, and mentally sick. While I accept that I can’t physically drink alcohol, I have to keep working on the spiritual & mental aspects of my sickness. Could anything have broken the delusion 5 years ago? AA? My family leaving me? Losing everything? I really don’t know. I’m just grateful to be where I am today.

Thanks for the topic Rufus.

Barto

I think Rufus intends to apply the “full” theory to “alcoholics,” as defined by those of us that, not only cannot control our drinking, but that (at least at one time) could not keep from taking that first drink due to an obsession of the mind. That’s what I would mean anyway.

Not all problem drinkers are alcoholic. Though many do get into serious trouble because of their drinking, they can quit after a time. I had to be beaten into submission – I was totally insane when it came alcohol (among other things). I tried and tried and tried to quit – many times – and the result was nothing, nada, zip. I just could not do it on my own.

I’m not saying you’re not alcoholic. I have no idea. I’m just sharing.

Zanthos

For me, the answer to that question is: I was still reacting to life on the basis of a dis-eased ego. It was only when I gave up all pretense of thinking I knew how to live life that I started to change. And that's when I decided to learn what all these other drunks had learned to keep themselves sober and content.

It was a matter of staying honest in the first 12-18 months of sobriety. The fact is, I did not know how to live without drinking. And a few months of not drinking had not changed that. I had to keep from going back to thinking and feeling like I could run my own life again, with my old set of thoughts and feelings.

In my opinion, it takes YEARS to "get sober". (And a lifetime to BE sober.) It's not easy making the transition from being one kind of person whose mental and emotional patterns lead to getting drunk all the time, to becoming a very different person who can go through all that life involves without picking up a drink.

Several months ago, a man celebrated his 30th AA anniversary by sharing that it had been 30 years since his last drink but, as he put it, "I'm still getting sober." By that, he meant he was still growing and changing and discovering how to be the best person he could become. It was one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard.

Zanthos

That's really sad. I hope you find a group of women you can trust and who are willing to help you.

MsPlugginTheJug

I'm going to read all of the replies but the first analogy that came to mind as to why someone would perhaps quit, then turn around when they feel better is eating. Maybe, Thanksgiving. How many of us push ourselves away from the table on Thanksgiving or a really yummy buffet and we say, "I'm never going to eat again!". Which is silly, of course, because you HAVE to, but certainly you'll never eat to excess the way you did to make yourself feel SO sick. Yet, it happens! You forget the bad, the pain....you remember the good feeling.

They say that about childbirth, I forget how I heard it once....about the joy being so overwhelming and overshadowing the sheer PAIN and HORROR of childbirth...cuz really, who would want THAT pain again? But, of course, the rewards (up until they are teens!) outweigh the punishment, until it doesn't, then you don't do it again!

Good topic and I look forward to being able to spend more time later tonight reading!

Karen

RufusACanal

steamvessel,

Being full is simply a decision that I no longer need booze. The first part of the First Step is, "We admitted we were powerless." Being full of booze gave me finally the ability to understand powerlessness in a way I had never before. Your acceptance or denial of the concept does in no way change the fact that I was full of booze. The realization that Alochol is no longer working for me and that my life was a mess all led to the decision. Being full does not require life wreckage; I don't drink Milk till I puke, I stop when I am full. Five years ago when the parts fell into place, I realized that I no longer had to drink another drink, I had drank enough; this came after trying to be different by doing it my way for 25 years. Alcoholic life wreckage is the result of continued drinking while exercising denial to the fullest. You may be the expection to the rule though, but if you are truly Alcoholic then you will be faced with the same facts as all Alcoholic are faced with; get sober and live, continue drinking or relapsing and die. Best to you; excellent profile photo too!

RufusACanal

That is so true steamvessel; we will watch our peers die. They will refuse to relent, they will refuse to accept, they will refuse to surrender and they will die painfully. You my friend do not have to die and I am grateful for your patience with this old man as I stumble through.

Zamboni

Why start drinking again?

Start drinking again because it's fun. It's really the greatest thing since sliced bread. It makes you feel sooo good, confident, charming. People like you better drunk and you like them better drunk. It makes life worth living. Without alcohol theres no point in waking up in the afternoon. It tastes good in coffee. It tastes good in soda. It's good to have at a party. It's the one gift that you can give to just about anyone and it will make them happy. It makes women want to have sex with you! It seems like just yesterday that I started drinking. Of course it's because I can't remember any of those wonderful days in between. When every day is the most wonderful drunk day of your life who cares? So I'll ask again. Why start drinking again? Because it's the best thing in the world. Without alcohol I don't want to be here.

Wilde10

Rufus, why start drinking again? It seems pretty much the same to Why becoming alcoholic to me. It makes no sense. There is no logic on starting again or starting in the first place. Why would any of us drink just to get drunk? A social/cultural thing? so Why would you ever ever drink alone, knowing it is already a very bad sign?

It seems a question that comes from a non-alcoholic more than an alcoholic mind. Obviously you can stop drinking, but many have to try before feeling 'full' because we have a strong suspiction that we will never be full... Why would you not stop before feeling 'full'? I know rationally that I am an alcoholic, that I must stop, that I want to stop. Feeling full? No. Will I relapse? Perhaps although I would rather not.

So, in my situation... Do I go somewhere to get a new non-alcoholic brain or shall I keep going until I feel full? It is not as easy as wanting to. Most alcoholics want to quit booze.

MelindaFlowers

High Five. Not for the relapsing of course but for your understanding of the disease.

least

I would only start drinking again if I hated myself so much that I wanted to destroy my life and my relationships with those I love.... and I don't want to destroy anything anymore. I've been wanting to stop drinking for over two years now but until recently I still wanted to drink more than I wanted to quit.

Now that the obsession to drink has been removed from my mind I am able to stay sober with ease and now have over six months sober. To drink is to die in so many ways and I no longer want to die. I want to live.

Zoobear

I think this is a great topic! I myself have no idea why people relapse. I've been around quite awhile now and I have lost more friends to relapse than I care to remember.
Lets start with Terry. Terry had 16 years sober, opened meetings, worked with others on the steps, stayed close to his HP. After 16 years he was elected to a powerful position and married a beautiful woman. Within 1 year He was drunk! His life was going great so what happened?
Next we have Mr B. He had 14 years of living clean and sober. Mr B. became a CAC III and made a living working in a treatment center. I have never seen a guy more active in 12 step work. He lived recovery and loved it! Mr Bs girlfriend left him, he lost his job, he got drunk!
One drinks when things are going great and one drinks when things go bad? Both these guys were steady members of AA. They were the ones you could always count on. I pray one day that they come back.
I dont know why Im still here. I just try to do what Im told to do by others who are still making it. I know that I could be drunk someday, Im no better than Terry or Mr B. I pray that if I ever do drink again I will come back as many times as it takes to get sober again!

Kjell

ignorance + denial = insanity