sobergirl77

I just spent the last 2 hours typing out my life history (for my sponsor) and boy, it's pathetic beyond belief!!!!!!!! No wonder I ended up an alcoholic... I seriously have had one of the lamest, saddest lives ever. It's a wonder I'm even alive right now.

I'm so scared that I'm going to relapse, especially after reading over my life's events up until now. I had no training in my childhood or teens years on how to cope and live as an adult. (Both parents died of alcoholism when I was in my teens). My adult life so far has been spent being scared, alone, wasting time, or addicted to something. (The good years were spent drinking, partying and/or taking painkillers, the bad years were spent miserable and feeling suicidal).

I'm sorry, I just had to get this out... I'm not on a pity-party but simply amazed that this has really been my life so far. And I'm so scared that I'm not going to make it as one of the "recovered" ones. It's such a tiny percentage nowadays that actually make it. (Someone recently told me it's something like 1 out of 31 alcoholics actually recover).

faith08

Please don't focus on the past. Take any lessons you got out of it and go on. Any scars are character marks that make you who you are. If they are painful scars (and you need to get a thorn out) see a qualified professional. But otherwise be you--I'm sure you are good 'nuff. Build on that strong foundation of you if you want to be better.
And the percentages...... you ever hear the story of the starfish on the beach and the old man walking along throwing them back in-- another person comes along and says something about you can't save them all and it doesn't matter. The old man throws another one back in and say (very eloquently I think) It mattered to that one. You are one, you are not a whole bunch of percentages. So be that one that it matters to and throw yourself back into life.
Best wishes to you on finding the path that works for you, the strength to go on until you do and the patience with yourself to pick yourself up again and again.

ps Don't forget you got all the support of the world here at SR

Tazman53

Hon listen to those folks in the rooms when they share thier stories of recovery, I know where you are coming from, in early sobriety before I really got into the steps I worried about a relapse, I was convinced that there was no way this old sot after 40 years of drinking, the last 5 of which alcohol totally owned me could count himself among those who have recovered, but as I worked the steps and listened to others who took it further then I did, I came to beleive I could.

Stick with it hon, when I was doing my 5th step with my sponsor and we hit upon my fears I told him that I really had a good handle on my fears and only had one that really bothered me and that was a fear of relapsing!!!!

He looked at me and asked "Martin do you know the answer to all fear?", I dug deep into my brain and the best thing I could come up with was "Face it?", he said "Facing it is part of it, but faith is what will over come it." I said "Oh yea!" as if at that instant I got it! Well I didn't get it!

After we had finished my 5th I went home and did as instructed, I spent an hour quietly going over in my head the steps we had gone through, the "faith overcomes fear" spun in my head and then it dawned on me!!!! I had faith in the steps, I had faith that if I worked them and lived them to the best of my ability I would not drink again!!!! The fear of relapse was gone!!!!

Simple faith had removed my fear of relapse!

Hang in there hon, go to meetings, listen to others who have recovered, work the steps, the faith will come in them and the fear will go.

laurie6781

Congrats on your 18 days and having a sponsor already, that is excellent!!!!

When I got to AA there wasn't any semblance of civilization left on me, I was literally an animal. I had lived on the streets of Hollyweird my last 1 1/2 years of my drinking. My sponsor and the ladies in AA, once I asked for help really taught me a lot more than just living sober, they had to teach me how to live. How to shop, how to pay bills, how to clean, how to be on time for work, how to act, etc etc etc


I am sure by opening up to your sponsor and asking her for help she will be more than willing to garner a few of the women to help you, and to show you what it is like to live sober, and just plain how to live.

It is understandable that you are fearful.........................but as each day passes and you keep working on you through the 12 steps, you will be amazed at how you change.

J M H O

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care very much!

Love and hugs,

bugsworth

sobergirl, Congrats on your 18 days! It is normal to feel the way you do so early in sobriety, so don't fret...it gets better. I think had I sat down at 18 days sober and typed out my life story I may have not made it as far as I have. Your emotions are undoubtable all over the place now...relapse is not a part of recovery...giving in to the voice in your head is just that giving in...you hold the power...all of it. Stay strong, stay vigilant...get out of your head for a bit...take a walk...read a good book...long showers...anything to distract you while your so early in this journey. It gets better I promise.

Tazman53

Sobergirl do not forget that if things really get eating at you to call your sponsor, and if she is not available call someone else in your network.

Your sponsor has you writing due to her experience which is the handed down experience of thousands of others before her, this experience has led to thousands of others getting and staying sober the same way.

Keep in mind a few of the promises:

As you work the steps you will find that your past is part of you, you will not regret it, you will accept that was who you were at one time and not who you are today. The reason you will not want to shut the door on it is 2 fold, it will help you stay sober knowing you do not want to go back there and it will benefit others who are there and want to change.

Yes our past can help others, we can not and should not bury our past, we can help others see that we have been where they are at and have found a way out, we can show them that we have found a solution to our past problems.

Sobergirl experience has shown that honesty is the key to long term happy sobriety, secrets hold power over us, the power of secrets is removed when those secrets are shared with someone we trust. This is not to say that we should shout our secrets form the roof tops, but my experience along with the experience of thousands of recovered alcoholics before me has been true freedom once the secrets are shared.

If you are like me I am sure you tried the "My Way" program and failed time and time again, I know for me the main reason the "My Way" program failed was it was all based on opinion and pride and absolutely no expereince.

The experience of thousands of others before me keeps me sober and happy today where my opinion failed me over and over.

RK2007

Congrats on 18 days, that's great - keep it up!!!

The 'My Way' approach is working for me at the moment (6 months now, my first real attempt at sobriety), maybe I'm one of the lucky ones who knows - but I happen to think we all have that power with us.

Just be ever vigilant, alcohol will always try to pull you back into it's grasp no matter what way you're trying to get sober - 'My Way' or the 'Highway' or 'AA' - there is no method that can prevent this from happening.

Just never give in to it - your health and sanity are at stake if you do.

Keep up the good work, and keep saying no to the booze. :ghug2

problemchild

18 day's is great.. I know how you feel i was at a loss when i realized alcohol was and no longer could be a part of ole John's life.
Scared and not thinking i will ever be able to deal with life without the (FUN) of drinking, i did not know how to live or where to turn, I was bored, soon i was doing what was asked of me in AA and i realized that things i did while drinking were not fun the real fun is after the drug is stopped and the mind is clear.
There are day's (and alot of them i catch myself feeling Dam$ i just wanna drink) but if i continue to work my program and use the tools i have been given, i not only will make it, but all who put forth the effort will too..
Gives me goosebumps just thinking i/we can stay sober if we truly want it.

Take care,
John

Tazman53

Glad to hear your way is working for you RK, my way only led to a couple of 100 relapses leading up to being owned by alcohol. You may be one of the lucky ones, you may have recognized it long before I did, who knows? If you are sober and happy that is a good thing.

Some of us need a program, Sobergirl and I use AA, there are a lot of other good programs out there as well, what ever it takes that works is all good.

RK2007

I think you've hit the nail on the head right there.

We can all stay sober, we all have the tools within us - we just have to want it.

problemchild

Just sharing my experience not pushing AA or anyother program,or will power or whatever,the bottom line is if it WORKS for you, you still have to WORK it..

Take care,
John

RufusACanal

Sobergirl,

Though the world is a huge place, you fit in here at SR perfectly. You sound like us and your experiences are most probably not unique to many who share here. We are what we are, Alcoholic men and women in the continuing search to live free from the bondage of self. You are 18 days sober and just beginning to see with clear eyes this brave new world that welcomes you with all of its beauty and with ever opportunity for success.

I have my own home and with it a lawn to take care of; this is a miracle in and of itself. Not too big and not to small; our lawn is just right. I began working outside several weeks ago with the knowledge that I have not exerted myself much over the winter. Suffice to say I hibernate in the cold. In Alabama where my most beautiful Wife and I live, winter ends, spring is here for but a minute and then it is summer. Consequently, the temperatures are going up, I am out of shape, I smoke cigarettes and there are many chores to complete. Working outside this last weekend was miserable; my ego aside I had to take breaks every 30 - 45 minutes. It's a wonder anything was completed. Afterwards, I was physically worn out, but the lawn and the landscaping looks tremendous if I do say so myself. Next weekend, I will be at it again and I know it will be easier, still hard, but easier. It will get easier with each passing week. While the work becomes easier, I received the rewards of better health which are in addition to the fruits of my labor; healthy green grass, plants and shrubs.

This process is no different than recovery from the seemingly hopeless malady known as Alcoholism. I had to work my tail off and it was not easy, but like cutting grass, it was simple. No one told me to cut the grass, I already know what the outcome will be if I do not. The same is true when I am not living the Steps and keeping conscience contact with a power greater than I. In order to live the Steps and meet God, you must learn the Steps and build a relationship with something greater, larger and more powerful than you who will shoulder the burden of fear and indecision.

Of course you are in self pity, who among us would not be in your position. Self pity is not a bad emotion any more than anger is; both can motivate for change if one chooses to do so. Thank God I understand pity today because I understand more readily through concern for others and self that my conscience did not leave with the booze.

Now about fear and thank God for it! Without fear in its many forms, I would be dead. No fear of driving fast? No fear of the hot stove? No fear of disease? No fear of pain? Having said that, how can you be fearful of anything that you have not experienced? How can you fear the loss of being recovered if you have never held it? Finally who relieves fear in my life; The God of your understanding and you.

Franklin Roosevelt made this comment during his 1932 Presidential Inaugural Address, “Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself”. Out of control fear not only incapacitates, it destroys those who embrace it utterly. Terms like coward and traitor are applied to those who allow fear to dominate. You are neither a coward nor a traitor, you are a suffering Alcoholic in early recovery; without the deadly embrace of another drink and standing in the harsh light of reality. I was not much different shape on Saturday; no physical energy, hard breathing, a head full of "I Can't" and a hot sunny day to boot, but I did it anyway. You can too!

The best childhood story that I ever heard was the "The Little Train that Could". "I think I can, I think I can" will take you to heights you never dreamed possible. Time to get to work, Sobergirl. See you on the lawn!