Kick him, let it slide, or?
 

I decided to post in this forum because I myself am an recovering alcoholic and would like to here how other recovering alcoholics or addicts would handle this.

I'm on probation and my probation officer said one more violation and he will wash his hands of me and put me back in jail for a year. I had one violation 97 days ago and I have been clean since.

This morning I found a marijuana pipe in my 19 year old sons room, he is back living with us along with his girlfriend and our grandson. I was going to tell him if I found any booze, drugs or paraphernalia in my home he would have to find another place to live but I haven't gotten around to telling him yet. He does know that if any of that is found in my home by my PO I will go to jail for a year.

So now what do I do? What would you do?

Being the father of 6, 3 of them grown and on thier own, I would calmly sit him down, drop the pipe in his lap and ask him if he knows of any thing else him or his gf may have in the house like that? Then I would tell him it all needs to leave right now or they can leave and take it with them. Tell him if he is old enough to be a father he is old enough to live by your rules while in your house or to leave.

I would not be quite that straight forward, but just let him know it is unacceptable and has to go or he goes.

tottally agree......try taking him to your po with you let your po explain things to hi,I did the same yesterday with my SOE.........tends to make things more realistic!

I agree with Taz, if he and his family are going to live in your house, they need to respect your boundaries. You can't risk going to jail, or compromising your recovery.
Wendy

I agree with Taz. I'm on probation, too, and I give several people rides home from work. A few of them smoke marijuana, and they know NOT to get in my car with any kind of legal substance.

If he wants to smoke it, he can do it elsewhere. All you need is your PO coming to your house and it smells like weed!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

You should sit down with him & his girlfriend immediately and firmly lay it out for him - no sugarcoating. What would happen if you went to jail? Not just to you but to your entire family? Just so he can keep a pipe in his room? Unreal.

It is your home, you are supporting him & his family...he has to respect your rules and if he isn't willing to do so, he has to find his own place. There is way too much at stake. D

My house, my rules.
One warning on most things and on one or two other things ...no warning at all. Out you go.
The important part...if we say it, do it.
If we won't do it, don't say it.

Some rules don't need be spelled out. Some rules (boundaries) a first chance warning.
What are your needs? What are you willing to deal with? What is acceptable behavior to you?
For me, drugs have a zero tolerance. If drugs are found in my house, we all could be in the street. For the good of all, the one would go. The warning has already been given here. No next time allowed.

Dean

Agreed with all.

I would have a serious talk with Son. It's one thing to play roulette with your own life, but your father's?

I would frame the conversation through a series of questions that necessitate an answer. Like, "Are you aware of the consequences to ME from your actions?" "Could you live with yourself if I had to go to prison for what YOU did?"

You might qualify what you say that having that around the house takes away any luxury you have of discussing it. He might as well have a loaded gun pointed at you.

warren

Oh my goodness - tell him IMMEDIATELY what are you waiting for?? Do it NOW - tell them any drug paraphernalia (sp??) is brought in - never mind 'found' - FOUND is too late!!!! then they are out. Very simple. Pleasebe as straightforward - and as speedy - as possible!

All good advice. I agree with the theme - your house, your rules.

:SteprobL:

Addicts don't care about others. I would expand that from a ME to an US and then bring to a YOU.
You do, I go. I go, we all go. So to save the whole house...You would go.

Agreed 100%!!! don't mess up your life over theirs!

Legalize It!
 

Now...at the risk of looking like the biggest hippy stoner here (which I am neither...) let's legalize this crap. I'm sick and tired of pot being labeled a class one drug...up on THAT list with herion. Just STOOOPID. I've smoked pot before...a few times. Inhaled and wet my pants (that was said to be the GOOD shite!) one time. I see that parafeneelia (however that bowl is spelled) fer sale in flee markets and the MALL! I don't even know where one would find loose tobacco! So...it's fer pot. I never got hungover from pot. I don't care even if people smoke it. I can't...cause I ruined my high and anybody elses high around me. Gotta let that stuff go to the real charmers. Besides...what would the video game people be making if there was no more pot?
Oh...and as fer yer PO. I use to have them come in and check around my construction site in SAvannah, GA. They could really care less if you do it...just don't let them find out. CAUSE THERE WILL BE PAPER WORK! And any gov't employee will tell ya....paper work is a motha! Keep clean. Keep yer house clean. Do your best. It's all you can do. I'll pray fer ya...but in the meantime...start looking for a new place to live. You can always move and let them pay the bills there...which won't be for very long. Then when they move on to some one else's couch...move back in.
Just a thought.
Good luck.
Prayers and blessings!

It's not allowed on your property... zero tolerance from this point forward.

Tell him to leave all his bowls and bongs and stashes in his car. What, he doesn't want it in his car? Oh, he doesn't want to get in trouble? That's your point.

Parole/probation must be very different in Savannah because my ex was subject to UA's at any given moment by his parole officer, and had plenty popped on him.

One thing I forgot to mention... good for you on staying clean for 97 days! Sometimes something bad can bring about something good. I hope you stay the course.

Thanks Rimmy, I forgot to mention that too -Dean Congrats on your 97 days!

One thing I am learning in outpatient is improving communication skills. If you do not address this and communicate with your son and his girlfriend and lay down boundaries for your house, it may create a resentment which can lead to relapse. And it sounds like relapse = jail in your situation.

Further, your son now has a child that he is responsible for. Whether pot is legal or not is completely irrelevant. Your son needs to take responsibility for his baby and I do not see spending money on alcohol or drugs as doing that, especially if he is in a position where he and his girlfriend need to stay with you.

I hope you are able to resolve this situation through effective communication. In the meantime, keep moving towards a better sober life!
:SteprobL:

Couple of other things that came to mind:

Especially since I quit drinking, my wife & I are both involved in any decisions that affects our family. We try & share everything - good & bad. She provides a different (and often more objective) perspective on situations and a decision that we make together is a better decision - and we back each other up. Don't know if this applies to your situation.

Also, rather that feeling that you are the only one responsible for your son & his family, are there any other relatives (even on the girlfriends side) that can put them up until they get their own place? The current situation sounds risky both in terms of possibly going to jail and creating unnecessary anxiety, especially if he (or she) is into the partying lifestyle. I know that dad's have big hearts but there is a bigger picture here.

Take care friend.

Don

I have heard some people in recovery who won't allow a child of theirs to even live with them if they are using and was trying to decide if that was something I needed to do. I don't want to be an enabler.

I talked to my son and "daughter-in-law" when they arrived home and it went well. They understand and my son doesn't want me to go to jail for his actions. It turned into a good evening of conversation and communication which felt good.

Thank you all for your advice and really for your support. Sometimes I just need to hear it from others and you here at SR gave me the support I needed to handle the situation properly without it turning into drama.

It's now official, my home is a drug and alcohol free zone and I intend on keeping it that way after I'm off of probation.

Thank you, Larry.