Can a lazy person recover?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 6
Can a lazy person recover?
Hi,
I did not want to post this in the family members forum, as I really want to get some input from people who have gone through the recovery themselves. My husband is an alcoholic. He has just relapsed after being sober for two months. It was a record time for him: his longest sober intervals before lasted for about one week. It was a combination of things that made him stop drinking: I have moved out with our 4 year old son, because I could not live in that drunken nightmare any more. He was beating me up in front of our son. When I moved out, I told him that I would come back if he stays sober for at least a month. He, on the contrary, started drinking more, really spiraling downwards, he even cheated on me with some woman he brought home from the bar one day. It made him feel very guilty. He kept telling me that I made it worse by moving out, because I took away his last hope. He was threatening me with a suicide over the phone. Anyway, I came back. He stopped drinking, started taking campral, started going to the gym, we went to meditate at the Buddhist center every Sunday. Then my father died from alcoholism. He actually saw what would happen at the end if he did not stay sober. I really had such big hopes, I thought so many things in combination would definitely make him want to change his life to that of a sober man.
His desire to change has diminished very quickly. Although he was still taking Campral (so no urges, really), he became apathetic, stopped going to the gym. He works in the evening, so he has a whole day until 4 pm for himself. Instead of doing something, he would sleep until 2 pm, and then watch tv until it' was time to go to work. I kept telling him "you have to do something, do this, do that, that would be so interesting", and he would just snap at me. He always says that there's no reason to start anything because he knows he would lose interest in it very quickly. I just knew that if he did not find something he really enjoyed, that would feel all his time, he would start drinking just out of boredom. And he just did.
I don't know why he is not interested in anything, and does not want to do anything - is it laziness or depression. He is taking anti-depressants, but still has no drive in his life.
Can anyone tell me: is it a stage people in recovery have to go through? Is there any hope that he would ever be able to get interested in something, or is laziness his personality trait? Would it be possible for a person like him to ever recover?
And AA is not an option for him. We are atheists, and he went to the meetings a couple of times, people were praying there, and he says he felt like walking out of there. Besides, he is not a group person.
I am deciding on whether I should move out again. My life has crushed. I was so happy for these two months.
I did not want to post this in the family members forum, as I really want to get some input from people who have gone through the recovery themselves. My husband is an alcoholic. He has just relapsed after being sober for two months. It was a record time for him: his longest sober intervals before lasted for about one week. It was a combination of things that made him stop drinking: I have moved out with our 4 year old son, because I could not live in that drunken nightmare any more. He was beating me up in front of our son. When I moved out, I told him that I would come back if he stays sober for at least a month. He, on the contrary, started drinking more, really spiraling downwards, he even cheated on me with some woman he brought home from the bar one day. It made him feel very guilty. He kept telling me that I made it worse by moving out, because I took away his last hope. He was threatening me with a suicide over the phone. Anyway, I came back. He stopped drinking, started taking campral, started going to the gym, we went to meditate at the Buddhist center every Sunday. Then my father died from alcoholism. He actually saw what would happen at the end if he did not stay sober. I really had such big hopes, I thought so many things in combination would definitely make him want to change his life to that of a sober man.
His desire to change has diminished very quickly. Although he was still taking Campral (so no urges, really), he became apathetic, stopped going to the gym. He works in the evening, so he has a whole day until 4 pm for himself. Instead of doing something, he would sleep until 2 pm, and then watch tv until it' was time to go to work. I kept telling him "you have to do something, do this, do that, that would be so interesting", and he would just snap at me. He always says that there's no reason to start anything because he knows he would lose interest in it very quickly. I just knew that if he did not find something he really enjoyed, that would feel all his time, he would start drinking just out of boredom. And he just did.
I don't know why he is not interested in anything, and does not want to do anything - is it laziness or depression. He is taking anti-depressants, but still has no drive in his life.
Can anyone tell me: is it a stage people in recovery have to go through? Is there any hope that he would ever be able to get interested in something, or is laziness his personality trait? Would it be possible for a person like him to ever recover?
And AA is not an option for him. We are atheists, and he went to the meetings a couple of times, people were praying there, and he says he felt like walking out of there. Besides, he is not a group person.
I am deciding on whether I should move out again. My life has crushed. I was so happy for these two months.
We Do Recover
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
There is always hope--even for the most "hopeless" cases. The first thing is--he has to want to be sober for himself. Nothing else will work unless he decides that he wants to stay sober for himself.....not you, your son, etc. There are plenty of atheists that go to AA--so that is just another excuse. You are not required to pray. At my group, there is one man who doesn't pray at the meeting--and no one thinks less of him. Anyway--in AA>you choose your own conception of a Higher Power. (For me, when I first started attending meetings--the AA group itself was my Higher Power. I couldn't get/stay sober on my own--but with their help I was able to>they certainly had something that i didn't>sobriety.)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 6
It's not only praying - it's the whole group thing. He is the kind of person who feels like an idiot confessing in front of other people. He is like a clam. It's hard even for me, in the privacy of our home to make him tell me what he feels. So I guess AA is just not for him.. unless there is some other way to have him involved into the program without going to the group meetings.
And when he is sober, he prefers sitting on the couch, or "spending time with family" to making himself get in the car and go somewhere on a schedule (!!!)
And when he is sober, he prefers sitting on the couch, or "spending time with family" to making himself get in the car and go somewhere on a schedule (!!!)
We Do Recover
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
He needs to find someone that he can trust/talk to. Keeping things to myself kept me drunk>just getting that stuff out in the open helps alot. Has he been here? This place has helped me tremendously, plus with the help of my 12 step support groups. (There are many roads to recovery--he needs to find one that works for him.....) I think just about any program would seem a little uncomfotable at first--because it is new/different. Alcoholics don't like change. If he doesn't like group settings, would he seek one-on-one help from a medical/health professional (ie doctor, psychiatrist, etc)?
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Sasha -
In answer to the question - I 'have' to believe anyone can do anything.
That's not much of an answer, however - it's just me protecting my OWN sense of hope.
I've a question for you,
you don't need to reply to it.
Just think about it.
Are you in love with that man
or are you in love
with who you think he's going to turn into?
Or who you think he's gonna turn BACK into?
I say this as a veteran of several failed marriages.
It's not my intention to be a 'buzzkill'... I'm trying
to save you years of disappointment, if I can.
They will never turn into 'that guy'.
Whether they stop drinking or not.
Because they never really WERE
'that guy we fell in love with'.
We only imagined he was 'that guy'.
We fell in love with who we thought he was gonna turn into.
The man you just described
has no intention of becoming anything
other than what he is.
The only thing you can control
is if you're going to be a part of his non-becoming.
Or even if you're going to be forced into watching it.
You also control
what you're going to allow your children
to be forced to experience of it.
That much -
you have total control over.
In answer to the question - I 'have' to believe anyone can do anything.
That's not much of an answer, however - it's just me protecting my OWN sense of hope.
I've a question for you,
you don't need to reply to it.
Just think about it.
Are you in love with that man
or are you in love
with who you think he's going to turn into?
Or who you think he's gonna turn BACK into?
I say this as a veteran of several failed marriages.
It's not my intention to be a 'buzzkill'... I'm trying
to save you years of disappointment, if I can.
They will never turn into 'that guy'.
Whether they stop drinking or not.
Because they never really WERE
'that guy we fell in love with'.
We only imagined he was 'that guy'.
We fell in love with who we thought he was gonna turn into.
The man you just described
has no intention of becoming anything
other than what he is.
The only thing you can control
is if you're going to be a part of his non-becoming.
Or even if you're going to be forced into watching it.
You also control
what you're going to allow your children
to be forced to experience of it.
That much -
you have total control over.
Gold Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: It's raining again!
Posts: 2,494
Drunk or not no guy has a right ot hit you. Sound like he needs a lot more than not drinking to recover from being an abusive person. If I where you I'd run fast and far away soon. You do not need to put your 4 year old in that situation or yourself. AA is just a tool to help many people. You do not have to pray if you do not want to. Sounds like the man is just full of exscuses not to help himself.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,760
A lot of abusers use alcohol as an excuse for such behavior. If this guy has beaten you up in front of your child that's a terrible way to treat the person he supposedly loves. ANd children who witness such abuse often turn out to be an abuser themselves, cause they think it's a normal way to solve problems, or they in turn are abused by someone, again, because such behavior is normal to them.
I agree that your bf needs a lot more help than just getting sober. He needs to learn a new way of thinking and living that doesn't include using you as a punching bag.
I had a bf like that once. He didn't stop abusing me and finally I had to move on without him. No one has the right to hit you. No one!!
:ghug3
I agree that your bf needs a lot more help than just getting sober. He needs to learn a new way of thinking and living that doesn't include using you as a punching bag.
I had a bf like that once. He didn't stop abusing me and finally I had to move on without him. No one has the right to hit you. No one!!
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Cumming, Ga
Posts: 665
Actually, the question isn't can a lazy person recover. The question is can a closed mind recover? In my experience, I had to open my mind to recover. All I see in the post is describing the reasons someone can't do the things it takes to recover. He doesn't like groups. Guess what, none of us liked the thought of sitting in a group of strangers discussing alcoholism. But the fact for all of us who do this work on a daily basis is this, we were facing certain death. When his decision is to die an alcoholic death or seek a spiritual remedy, he will be more willing to open his mind. As long as there is a third option, my experience has been to try out the third option. My experience has also been that the third option always led me back to the first two. But then again, I'm a real alcoholic.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to SR!
I wonder why you are still with a man who
is doing nothing to enhance you and your childs lives?
In fact...he is a danger to both of you.
I'd certainly dump the jerk...drinking or not.
I wonder why you are still with a man who
is doing nothing to enhance you and your childs lives?
In fact...he is a danger to both of you.
I'd certainly dump the jerk...drinking or not.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Hey SashaG-
It sounds like you are trying very hard to influence him to recover. I tell ya you are in a pretty futile place.
I know you want to have hope that he will do the right thing but, as long as he is drinking all bets are off. There are a million reasons to continue drinking and only one to stop and that reason is because they really want to. When he wants to quit he will do whatever is necessary to stay sober.
I think you do need the support of the "friends and family" people here. You need recovery every bit as much as he does...
It sounds like you are trying very hard to influence him to recover. I tell ya you are in a pretty futile place.
I know you want to have hope that he will do the right thing but, as long as he is drinking all bets are off. There are a million reasons to continue drinking and only one to stop and that reason is because they really want to. When he wants to quit he will do whatever is necessary to stay sober.
I think you do need the support of the "friends and family" people here. You need recovery every bit as much as he does...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by least 
A lot of abusers use alcohol as an excuse for such behavior. If this guy has beaten you up in front of your child that's a terrible way to treat the person he supposedly loves. ANd children who witness such abuse often turn out to be an abuser themselves, cause they think it's a normal way to solve problems, or they in turn are abused by someone, again, because such behavior is normal to them.
I agree that your bf needs a lot more help than just getting sober. He needs to learn a new way of thinking and living that doesn't include using you as a punching bag.
I agree that your bf needs a lot more help than just getting sober. He needs to learn a new way of thinking and living that doesn't include using you as a punching bag.
The first time my ex-husband beat me, he was stone cold sober.
My now 30 year old daughter has blacked out most of the 5 years she lived in that situation as a child because it's just too painful to remember.
She is also an active alcoholic now, and chooses the worst of the lot when it comes to men.
Children live what they see.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 410
It's often said for the recovering alcoholic that they need to stay on a path for themselves, and focus on themselves. If the partner/spouse stands in your path of sobriety, you have to stay sober no matter what.
Unfortunately, the partner of an alcoholic who is showing little attempt at recovery (not being a group person etc... are excuses in my opinion) need to stay on a path for themselves and their children. If your partner stands in your path towards happiness and raising happy healthy (mentally and physically) children, you have to make that happen no matter what.
As much of a shame as it is, his problem is only yours if you let it be yours. Take it from someone who is with a special person who is still scarred from what she witnessed and experienced of her alcoholic dad as a child. Her mother knows today it was not fair for her children to have stayed with the man so many years and should have gotten out sooner. Unfortunately, he eventually passed from liver cirrosis. Reality is you can't help someone who doesn't want to change or isn't willing to do anything "uncomfortable" or challenging in order to change. Your responsibility is to yourself and your child.
Best wishes... I know you have some tough decisions and choices ahead, but you can make the right ones...
Unfortunately, the partner of an alcoholic who is showing little attempt at recovery (not being a group person etc... are excuses in my opinion) need to stay on a path for themselves and their children. If your partner stands in your path towards happiness and raising happy healthy (mentally and physically) children, you have to make that happen no matter what.
As much of a shame as it is, his problem is only yours if you let it be yours. Take it from someone who is with a special person who is still scarred from what she witnessed and experienced of her alcoholic dad as a child. Her mother knows today it was not fair for her children to have stayed with the man so many years and should have gotten out sooner. Unfortunately, he eventually passed from liver cirrosis. Reality is you can't help someone who doesn't want to change or isn't willing to do anything "uncomfortable" or challenging in order to change. Your responsibility is to yourself and your child.
Best wishes... I know you have some tough decisions and choices ahead, but you can make the right ones...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 6
Oh, man.. Thank you for so many responses!
The dumping part is very hard for me. We have been together for 10 years, and I love the person he is when he is sober. He would never hit me when sober. And it wasn't like a regular thing when he was drunk either. I guess I provoked him myself. I have this learned behavior I've picked up from my mother while growing with an alcoholic father. I cannot pretend everything is ok when he comes home drunk. I get so nervous, I literally start shaking. I yell at him.. Anyway, I know that does not give him any rights to hit me, and it's just plain wrong. That's why I have moved out the first time.
Today will be the second day of his drinking. I have already gotten used to living a normal, peaceful life..
When he just sobered up, he was terrified of what he was doing. He wanted to quit desperately, and was ready to do anything. But then gradually he has starting forgetting, I guess, and finally let go. He just got bored with sober life. And he did not have the drive to make it exciting. I just wonder what would make him actually remember, and keep the will to recover, if he wants to do it again.
The dumping part is very hard for me. We have been together for 10 years, and I love the person he is when he is sober. He would never hit me when sober. And it wasn't like a regular thing when he was drunk either. I guess I provoked him myself. I have this learned behavior I've picked up from my mother while growing with an alcoholic father. I cannot pretend everything is ok when he comes home drunk. I get so nervous, I literally start shaking. I yell at him.. Anyway, I know that does not give him any rights to hit me, and it's just plain wrong. That's why I have moved out the first time.
Today will be the second day of his drinking. I have already gotten used to living a normal, peaceful life..
When he just sobered up, he was terrified of what he was doing. He wanted to quit desperately, and was ready to do anything. But then gradually he has starting forgetting, I guess, and finally let go. He just got bored with sober life. And he did not have the drive to make it exciting. I just wonder what would make him actually remember, and keep the will to recover, if he wants to do it again.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 410
He'll need to remember it takes more than not drinking for a week, or two to find recovery. Getting sober for an alcoholic is not defined by most who recover as simply "not drinking". Not Drinking will not keep you sober. I wrote finding recovery because is must be something you seek and when you find it, there are revelations. Recovery starts with just not drinking, but ends with finding peace with not drinking.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. But you are far from the first to say, "I love the person he is when he is sober". Are you willing to stay in a relationship with jekyl & hyde? Sorry to be blunt... I know this is a tough time.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. But you are far from the first to say, "I love the person he is when he is sober". Are you willing to stay in a relationship with jekyl & hyde? Sorry to be blunt... I know this is a tough time.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
When it comes to physical violence, once is too often.
And, it's not an issue whether or not you provoke him.
I really, really think you need to stop focusing on your husband and focus on yourself and your child.
And, it's not an issue whether or not you provoke him.
I really, really think you need to stop focusing on your husband and focus on yourself and your child.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 6
Jekyl and Hyde is exactly what it is.. I keep repeating it to him. And I do not wish to stay in a relationship like this, but then I read this forum, and see so many people who actually did it, and I hope there is still hope for us..
Would an ultimatum "I will live for good if you don't start going to AA" change anything? He knows now I'm not bluffing, and I have a place to go.
Would an ultimatum "I will live for good if you don't start going to AA" change anything? He knows now I'm not bluffing, and I have a place to go.
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