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I'm Not An Alcoholic

Old 04-26-2008, 12:00 PM
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I'm Not An Alcoholic

Hello All,

Well most of you know my life is in a bit of turmoil, so I thought I'd throw one more log on the fire since you all have been so helpful with everything else.

O.K. Well, thanks to lawyers and police and the general happiness of a marriage collapsing under it's own weight, I had to move out of my house. Had to move in with my parents, which while pathetic, isn't entirely bad, for instance, I never have to do laundry...

However there is one recurring problem which I would like to share with all of you people far wiser than me:

My parents take every opportunity to tell me I'm NOT an alcoholic. Even though I have told them point blank, MANY times, I go to AA meetings EVERY day and I even read to them from my 24 hour a Day Book and the Big Book, they just refuse to acknowledge it.

When they see or hear of someone who has lost their job, or has multiple DUIs or drinks themself into the hospital, they proclaim, that's a REAL alcoholic. I've told them there are functional alcoholics, your son is one, but still to no avail.

I appreciate their support in my break up and all but this keeps popping up. I'm thinking if I'm a drunk that makes them some kind of failure, yet the fact I attempted suicide, am seeing more shrinks than you can shake a stick at, and am on medication to keep me even keeled doesn't seem to upset them at all????

Can't wait to read you replies.
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Old 04-26-2008, 12:16 PM
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Hi 22. I know how this feels to a degree. My parents are both in A.A., but they still were in shock when i told them - and said i can't be! They didnt know the full extent of my drinkign though- i was a functioning alchoholic too - and a very good liar/actor! My parents didnt take long to come round and accept that i am- esspecially when i told them about how my drinking REALLY was... i think it was, initially, just denial on their part. No parent wants their child to go through pain.
Since they have accepted it they have been a real help- and both have often pointed out things about my drinking/behaviour that caused alarm bells for them - my mum had her worries but didn't want to label me an alcoholic - i guess she just hoped i was going through a bad phase. Discovering my alcholism has made lots of things cleaer for me and them - about my past. I beilieve your parents may very well accept your alcoholism too- if they have more insight into it as an 'illness' and how alcohol is just symptom?

I have mates that still cannot accept i am an alcohlic. This can bother me but i just remind myself they do not have the knowledge i have about alcoholism - they have their pre - conceptions like many. As long as i know what i am and do my best to recover i feel i will be ok. Support from all my mates would be wonderful - but it isn't a necessity, A.A, on other hand is my support and is a necesity for me to stay sober. Hope this helps!
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Old 04-26-2008, 12:45 PM
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I thought we had "ceased Fighting Anything or Anyone".(pg 84) Why is your Parents opinion an issue?
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Old 04-26-2008, 01:02 PM
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.....My non drinking parents never acknowledged
thier son and daughter were alcoholics.
I think they considered it an insult to their parenting skills.

My brother and I found AA recovery
Mom and Dad's perceptions were not important.

Blessings to you and your family
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Old 04-26-2008, 01:17 PM
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Originally Posted by unigirl View Post
No parent wants their child to go through pain.
this is what it was for me when i realized my daughter's addiction. but then i learned that she had to go through the pain in order to want to get better. and that makes it easier for me. not easy, but easier..

hugs, k
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Old 04-26-2008, 01:21 PM
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That sounds familiar. I've had plenty of people say that I wasn't a alcoholic. The solution was so easy to them, just cut back. It worked to a certain point. For most people cutting back shouldn't be something they have to think about and pain themselves with trying. For me though it about drove me crazy trying to cut back and control it. But for to many people they think unless you're homeless, in prison for multiple DWI's and manslaugher, cirrhosis of the liver, or acting just like Nicholas Cage from Leaving Las Vegas you don't have a problem. Sometimes I wold get so frustrated I would think well hold on and let me go get ****** up for another 5-10 years and come back to see what you think. It's just ignorance and denial that's all. It's ultimately you who should know if you have a problem or not and if you think you do, you probably have one no matter what stage you may be at.
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Old 04-26-2008, 01:22 PM
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My mom told me she didn't realize just how bad things had gotten...although she new and accepted I was alcoholic.

One of my brothers "Just doesn't get it". I do care about what they think. I simply have to do what I need to do regardless of what they think or understand.

Alchoholism is not the only issue this other's opinion stuff comes up about. I tend to want to let what others think have a big impact on me....that isn't healthy, but I don't really want to be a person who doesn't care. Like I said, just not let it control me or devestate me.
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Old 04-26-2008, 01:28 PM
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John

Ultimately, our recovery is by and for ourselves. It makes it easier if we can accept that, harder if we expect others to "understand." I tell M'lady and my kids that I don't expect them to understand; in fact I am bloody glad that they DON'T understand. What I do hope they might come to is ACCEPTANCE. They do, but if they didn't, it wouldn't really change anything.

AA wouldn't be very productive if not for the alcoholics in the room. SR is a place of help and solace only because I am not unique here. My mother accepts my issues, but thinks it is a choice. I am glad for people who believe that-they have only their experience to go by.

So many here are struggling with others in their lives for various reasons. I personally think that it is counterproductive to true recovery. When we drink, alcohol is the focus of our lives. It influences every aspect. To me, recovery means removing that influence, that power. It involves change.

That is why I rarely talk about my recovery. I must be more than someone absent alcohol, or else it still wields it's power. I believe that if I am to truly recover, I must simply be me. Absent active addiction.

Just like resentment and anger give others power over us, even if they are absent, so does alcohol if that is all that we are about, drunk or sober. So, if others see me as someone who simply made poor choices or is weak, so be it. Let them love me as they wish to see me. As long as it is sober.

Only I own my addiction. I spent long hours with M'Lady when she felt somehow "responsible" for aiding and abetting in various ways. It wasn't her, it wasn't my parents, it wasn't my job, it wasn't advertising, or our culture of coupling alcohol use with everything pleasant. It was me. And my recovery is mine.

I "celebrated" 10 weeks yesterday. No one knows except for a few here at SR. Didn't tell my family or my love. I no longer celebrate with alcohol or celebrate it's absence. It is out of my life as much as I can manage it. Thus, I am simply free to be me.

This is my approach and it makes sense to me. I don't suggest that it is for everyone.

warren
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Old 04-26-2008, 01:31 PM
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As the mother of two alcoholic daughters, I can say that when a parent is struggling to accept a child's alcoholism, the first thing to come to mind is blaming self for the child's alcoholism. It's only natural, and I was sure it had something to do with my parenting. That is extremely painful, and even though I have worked through it now and realize I didn't cause it, I can't control it, nor can I cure it, I stayed in denial for quite some time because I was avoiding the pain.

I am the first in a long line of alcoholics in my family (on both sides) to break the chain of alcoholism, and that comes with a unique set of challenges, mainly that none of the family members quite know how to deal with a relative in recovery, and the delicate balance of generations of dysfunction has been upset.

My recovery is not contingent on the acceptance/non-acceptance of any family members.

There are times my parents can be toxic to me, and those are the times I cut off communication while I am charging up my spiritual battery, so to speak.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (other people and their attitudes),
The courage to change the things that I can (namely, me and my attitudes),
And the wisdom to know the difference.
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Old 04-26-2008, 01:36 PM
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You can still recover.

It doesn't matter what your parents think an alcoholic is or isn't.

Can you blame them for not wanting to admit that their child has alcoholism? Just because you understand and accept something doesn't mean the rest of the world needs to - or ANYONE for that matter.

Your fourth step should rid you of this 'problem'.
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Old 04-26-2008, 05:21 PM
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My mother is the EXACT same way! She considered her brother/my uncle a alcoholic because he had multiple DUI's, lost his job, his family, and eventually his life to alcoholism. She doesent belittle me for going to AA, but she doesent think I'm an alcoholic. She believes everyone needs something to get them by in life and sees that thing as being AA with me.

I did everything I could to hide my drinking from my mother, and even though she saw me drinking, I did my best to make sure I was watching how much I drank so I wouldn't worry her. As soon as my mom was gone, the real drinking began.

I figure it has to do with mom's loving their kids, and not wanting to believe there babies have such a horrible disease. Denial, even when it's harmful, tends to be a coping mechanism for some people.

Denial obviously doesent work for us alcoholics. I wouldn't get too upset over it. As long as you are completely honest with yourself, and work a program of recovery, you will be the child, brother/sister, mom/dad, husband/wife, and a good person any parent in denial would be proud of.

Tom
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