jstme

Congradulations on your 15th day Ken. You are starting to string string them together. Keep it up One Day At a Time. Before you know it, You will be feeling better than you ever have.

ken67

Day 16....

Couldn't make a meeting last night, and really needed one.
Went mushroom hunting and walked 3 miles up and down ridges....it took my mind off things, and tired me out so I was able to fall asleep early, after a nice dinner of steak and morels!!!
The whole time in the woods, I thought of drinking, prayed, found mushrooms, thought of drinking, prayed......etc.

Woke up this morning feeling somewhat refreshed, but had to rush to open my business at 7am.....stressed me out a little, but as soon as another employee came in, I came here and got some inspiration.
Can't get to a meeting tonite until 8......I'm off work at 3 and it's gonna be raining, perfect afternoon to grab a 5th of whiskey and spend some time with an old friend.
BUT.....with friends like that, who needs enemies.

I will not drink today, no matter what comes my way.....my Spirit is still strong, but the human that surrounds it is questionable sometimes.

ken67

Day 17....

I hate Mondays during the busy season......I have 25 hours of work to do in a 24 hour day.
I woke up and started thinking about drinking when I get off work.
I had a dream that I drank, I felt great, it tasted great, everything was great.
What the hell is going on this morning???
Urges, cravings, anxiety, slight shaking......

God, let your will be done, and don't let me pick up that first drink.

Tazman53

Ken my friend you may or may not want to hear this, but what you are feeling is normal, what helped me the most when I was going through that is a combination of things, staying busy, prayer, and calling another sober alcoholic.

You are helping me to stay sober another day by sharing what you are sharing now, it keeps those memories of where I was a mere 20 months ago green in my head! As you are helping me by sharing what it is like for you know, I can share with you my experience that it does get better, a lot better.

This may be very hard to believe right now, but as I worked the steps the obsession for drink was lifted from me, I did a lot of work, soul searching, humbling work to have that happen, but it did and life for me today exceeds my wildest dreams, not materially, but spiritually and physically.

Everything that a drink gave to me 40 years ago I get by being sober today and more. Hang in there, it does get better, even though it may not seem possible right now, it does.

ClaudePepper77

any updates, ken?

ken67

Still here.....still sober.
25 days now.

Spent the last 4 days on an island with 4 of my friends for an annual fishing trip.
There was a lot of drinking each night, but I had all the tools I needed with me.

The BB, the 12 & 12, lot's of prayers and lot's of phone numbers.
I made it through, left the island, trailered my boat and drove straight to an AA meeting before going home.

Tazman53

Ken that is awesome, so how was the fishing?

Russelrb

Excellent report! You have a lot to be proud of.

CarolD

Good for you Ken!

jstme

Fantastic Ken,
Something I've found is that I catch more fish sober. They're not quite as big as I remember them when I was drunk. I'll take a sober day of not catching much over a drunk day of catching a buzz, falling in the lake, not able to tie line, spilling the minnow bucket...etc..
Love Sobriety!!!!!

ken67

Just a quick update....

Got my 1 month chip in my pocket!!!
Someday I will be carrying around so many coins I will need a belt AND suspenders to hold my pants up!!! LOL

Still having some bad days/moments, and my body is still healing from the abuse, but my mind and spirit remain strong.

CarolD

HideorSeek

Hi Ken!

I like the thread you started. I need this right now, as it is my day one (again) as well. Let's keep this going. I think the accountability will be good for me, so thank YOU!

caraway

Congratulations on your 1 month chip Ken!

ken67

I will try and keep it going.

I just read through this entire thread for the first time since I started it, and I sit here with tears in my eyes.....some are happy, some are sad.

I worked all day, now I am home alone while my family and friends are down the road at a big b-b-q party, drinking and eating and drinking some more.

I will not drink, but the cravings and urges are overwhelming, as is the "fun" I'm missing at the party.

I feel empty inside, and not quite sure what to do with myself.....as I said, I'm sad and alone, but happy and sober at the same time.

It's just so phucking hard sometimes, feeling like this but knowing there is no one to blame but myself.

Self-pity is a sonofabitch, I hate it and have always refused to participate in it, but I feel it creeping in.

God, grant me the serenity to ACCEPT......

To me, that word, ACCEPT, is the most important one in the prayer.
I'm not asking God to give me anything but the ability to ACCEPT the situations, and that ability of acceptance is the cornerstone.
If it were as easy as asking God to grant me only serenity, and he did, this would be a cake-walk.
Unfortunately, this cake-walk is very slippery due to all that icing on the damn thing!!!

Sorry....I'm rambling now......

Peace to those of us still suffering, and those of us recovering.

NoMoBeer

Hey Ken...
Just skimmed through this thread -- I have been spotty on SR at best due to work load.

Man, what an amazing 30+ day journey! I can relate to all of it... especially where you are at right now.

The one thing that stuck out is that you said you have no one to blame but yourself. Go easy on yourself, my man -- at some point you will be able to forgive... forgive others, forgive yourself and move on. But put the whooping stick away for now, be kind to yourself -- re-read your thread AGAIN, but this time look from the outside -- again, what a journey, and what an amazing transormation! We don't always see it ourselves, and the first weeks, months, sometimes years, are bumpy and hurt. But it sounds like you are pressing on, and keeping fixed on the gifts that await. Right on...

SO, to share some of my experience -- my first year of sobriety, I did not use my grill, swim in the pool, go to parties (unless necessary) -- anything I though might be a trigger for me, I avoided. My sobriety was, and is, too important. Last night I went to a graduation party. I drank too much -- water, that is -- and had to get up a few times during the night to pee! Point being, you will get to the point where you can go to a BBQ and not feel the incessant urge to drink... I've been to parties where I have had to leave, or step out to call my sponsor. It's just part of the deal... LOL, someone made a comment to me last night that "it must be nice to be the only sober one here..." -- sometimes it is... I can watch everyone else go downhill!

Hang in there, brother -- keep the meeting attendance up, stay close to your sponsor and other sober AA members, and keep up the hydration, vitamins, etc. One Day at a Time!

NMB (Ken)

least

Congrats on your month!! Way to go!! Learning to forgive ourselves is hard to do, sometimes for me it's harder to forgive myself than it is to not drink. But I draw strength and courage from the people here. You are helping me, whether you know it or not. Thank you!:ghug

ken67

NoMo,
I grilled last night.....I waited until after my 8pm meeting, it was dark and all the neighbors were inside their homes already. LOL

Grilling is a trigger for me too, it's kinda funny looking back that I could judge the doneness of a rib-eye by my drink count.

I like 'em medium rare, so I always put mine on last, and drank 'em real fast.....3 drinks per side!!! LOL

Tazman53

Ken Congrats on 30 days, that is an awesome deal!!!

Ken I can tell you right now that I see changes in you just by your posting, you are way better then you were. The last one to notice improvements in us is ourselfs. I can recall numerous times folks telling me how much better I was getting even though inside I felt like hell! I was sober over a month before the fog cleared enough for me to be able to sense I was getting better.

BTW Ken I have really enjoyed this thread, keep doing what you are doing, it shows that what ever you are doing it must be working for you!

LosingmyMisery

Congratulations Ken! Although it is a difficult journey, you are well on your way. You are definitely on the right track. Acceptance is key. Once we can understand that, it gets easier.