Could Someone Else Have Stopped You?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: where there's sun, sea and me
Posts: 38
Could Someone Else Have Stopped You?
Hello,
Someone from another forum suggested that I get some insight from this one.
I recently lost someone I loved to alcoholism and I am still battling with the after-effects of the grief and guilt - in the case of the latter what more could I have done?
So tell me was there anything that your significant other or someone you really loved and who really loved you could have said or done to have made you stop and how much of the desire to drink is really your choice?
Someone from another forum suggested that I get some insight from this one.
I recently lost someone I loved to alcoholism and I am still battling with the after-effects of the grief and guilt - in the case of the latter what more could I have done?
So tell me was there anything that your significant other or someone you really loved and who really loved you could have said or done to have made you stop and how much of the desire to drink is really your choice?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: TX
Posts: 542
I'm sorry about your recent lose. Welcome to SR.
As an alcoholic the choice to drink became less over time. It was less choice and more of I need to drink to feel normal. While my wife may have played a roll in me getting sober the reality is that, intil I wanted it, it would not happen. When I was young my parents had me commited because of drug use to dry me out. That only kept me clean while I was in. Once I got out I went back to using. I realize now that no matter how bad loved ones want sobriety for the alcoholic, the alcoholic has to want sobriety in order to make a change. I love my wife and kids with all of my heart but that was not enough to sober me up. I had to get to a place in life where I was so miserable that I wanted change.
Grieve but don't feel guilty. You are not to blame. The disease is.
As an alcoholic the choice to drink became less over time. It was less choice and more of I need to drink to feel normal. While my wife may have played a roll in me getting sober the reality is that, intil I wanted it, it would not happen. When I was young my parents had me commited because of drug use to dry me out. That only kept me clean while I was in. Once I got out I went back to using. I realize now that no matter how bad loved ones want sobriety for the alcoholic, the alcoholic has to want sobriety in order to make a change. I love my wife and kids with all of my heart but that was not enough to sober me up. I had to get to a place in life where I was so miserable that I wanted change.
Grieve but don't feel guilty. You are not to blame. The disease is.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
My condolences on your lose.
No there was nothing any one could have said or done unless they had locked me up and thrown the key away.
Just to let you know, more alcoholics die from their disease then recover from it. Alcoholism kills in far more ways then cirrosis of the liver, as a result the statistics are not very accurate on the actual number of us that die from it.
No there was nothing any one could have said or done unless they had locked me up and thrown the key away.
Just to let you know, more alcoholics die from their disease then recover from it. Alcoholism kills in far more ways then cirrosis of the liver, as a result the statistics are not very accurate on the actual number of us that die from it.
A new dawn and new chapter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Kansas City, Missouri
Posts: 298
Hello and welcome.
Your story hits close to home for me. My Brother was lost to alchololism and drug use. I would try to step in and tell him that he needed to stop but he ignored me. I can see he wasnt his normal self the last 3 years of his life and the year leading up to his death he was very out oif control and mind. But anytime I try to step in he would fire back with "you drink, why dont you quit?"
Well that's when I tried to lead by example and droped down to only drinking once a month and the day I drank I made sure that I was no where near him when I did. But that still didint seem to do anything. My parents tried to get him into rehab. Even had him there once but halfway through signing himself in he walked out. Try to tell him to try AA he said "I don't want to sit around in a room of a bunch of cry babies boo hooing that they can't drink anymore"
I don't want to get to personal here but ultimately he refused help. But at times he knew he had a problem and wished he could get sober. But then he snaped out of it and just went right back to using, and that choice lead to his passing. As tkdan said, people can try to help you and give you little motivational shoves in the right direction but it all boils down to the indivisual and if they truly wish to get clean.
Your story hits close to home for me. My Brother was lost to alchololism and drug use. I would try to step in and tell him that he needed to stop but he ignored me. I can see he wasnt his normal self the last 3 years of his life and the year leading up to his death he was very out oif control and mind. But anytime I try to step in he would fire back with "you drink, why dont you quit?"
Well that's when I tried to lead by example and droped down to only drinking once a month and the day I drank I made sure that I was no where near him when I did. But that still didint seem to do anything. My parents tried to get him into rehab. Even had him there once but halfway through signing himself in he walked out. Try to tell him to try AA he said "I don't want to sit around in a room of a bunch of cry babies boo hooing that they can't drink anymore"
I don't want to get to personal here but ultimately he refused help. But at times he knew he had a problem and wished he could get sober. But then he snaped out of it and just went right back to using, and that choice lead to his passing. As tkdan said, people can try to help you and give you little motivational shoves in the right direction but it all boils down to the indivisual and if they truly wish to get clean.
One Day At A Time
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: U.K.
Posts: 195
I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. I have friends who have been in similar situations to yourself. As an alcoholic i know for certain no one could have stoppedme drinking. I had to want to and do the program in A.A. , ultimately, to stop.
Retired Pro Drunk
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 901
There's nothing anyone could have done for me. It took me to decide to seek help.
I'm really sorry to hear about your loss.
I've had a few friends relapse and my knee-jerk reaction is to always blame myself, even though cognitively I know that it had nothing to do with me. It's hard for me to factor myself out of the equasion.
I'm really sorry to hear about your loss.
I've had a few friends relapse and my knee-jerk reaction is to always blame myself, even though cognitively I know that it had nothing to do with me. It's hard for me to factor myself out of the equasion.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 1,381
I am so sorry to hear about your loss.
Over the years my family and the court system tried to make me stop. I believe in my heart that a person has to want to quit them selves.
When a person drinks like that they feel normal when they drink. Might be hard for you to understand that. But withdrawl from drinking is just to much for some people.
My ex died under a bridge in the winter and froze because he was drunk. So, I know how you feel. He was only 44 and was happy the day before this happened. I talked to people that seen him. He probley had not idea of what was going to happen. And the "what if's" drove me crazy also.
Over the years my family and the court system tried to make me stop. I believe in my heart that a person has to want to quit them selves.
When a person drinks like that they feel normal when they drink. Might be hard for you to understand that. But withdrawl from drinking is just to much for some people.
My ex died under a bridge in the winter and froze because he was drunk. So, I know how you feel. He was only 44 and was happy the day before this happened. I talked to people that seen him. He probley had not idea of what was going to happen. And the "what if's" drove me crazy also.
Today's Muse
Join Date: May 2007
Location: West end
Posts: 1,081
So sorry for you loss.
In response, no. No one could have stopped me from drinking. I had to get it for myself. It took a lot of pain, humiliation and suffering before I was finally willing to stop once and for all. The grip of alcoholism is very hard to understand.
In response, no. No one could have stopped me from drinking. I had to get it for myself. It took a lot of pain, humiliation and suffering before I was finally willing to stop once and for all. The grip of alcoholism is very hard to understand.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
Q
No, there was no one and nothing other than whatever god is that could have made me "quit."
Some diseases are terminal. Those of us recovering are simply in remission. It is a disease that ends only with death. The only difference is that some of us are sober when we die.
If that sounds grim, it is and isn't. It's just what is.
Your loved one succumbed earlier than you and others surely would have liked. He/she did not die of weakness or by choice. The disease simply claimed its victim.
Anger and blame often accompany this kind of thing. "If only he/she had..." Sorry to say, but it is like asking a brain cancer victim to take responsibility for their outcome.
Looking for answers involves asking a question. In this case there is but one question and one answer. Yes, in the case of this disease, you did all that you could.
warren
No, there was no one and nothing other than whatever god is that could have made me "quit."
Some diseases are terminal. Those of us recovering are simply in remission. It is a disease that ends only with death. The only difference is that some of us are sober when we die.
If that sounds grim, it is and isn't. It's just what is.
Your loved one succumbed earlier than you and others surely would have liked. He/she did not die of weakness or by choice. The disease simply claimed its victim.
Anger and blame often accompany this kind of thing. "If only he/she had..." Sorry to say, but it is like asking a brain cancer victim to take responsibility for their outcome.
Looking for answers involves asking a question. In this case there is but one question and one answer. Yes, in the case of this disease, you did all that you could.
warren
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
So tell me was there anything that your significant other or someone you really loved and who really loved you could have said or done to have made you stop and how much of the desire to drink is really your choice?
By the time it was a "desire to drink" I was already an alkie in my estimation and it got worse, the desire, became a craving, and the craving became an ABSOLUTE NEED TO HAVE to function at all.
It wasn't until I had been sober for 3 years and married to a sober alkie that my sponsor STRONGLY SUGGESTED that I start attending Alanon IMMEDIATELY in addition to my AA.
You see it was in Alanon that I first learned the 3C's:
I didn't CAUSE it,
I can't CONTROL it, and
I can't CURE it.
Whatever 'it' was consuming him at the moment.
Later learned to apply that in all relationships (work, AA, sponsees, neighbors, friends, etc).
So no, there is nothing you could have, would have or should have done that would have changed anything in your A.
Your A has to come to the decision on their own, and sometimes that decision is a long time coming or never comes.
I'm glad to see you posting and asking questions.
Remember, to keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care.
Love and hugs,
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,760
No one else could make me quit drinking. My 18 yr old daughter tried many times, crying, issuing ultimatums, but it didn't make me stop. I had to want to quit MYSELF, for MYSELF, before I could stop. And I had many failed attempts on the way but finally I can say I'm sober. Tomorrow will be four weeks. But it had to be ME wanting to quit, no one else could decide for me.
:ghug
:ghug
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Vancouver BC
Posts: 386
So sorry for your loss.
No one made me drink, and no one could make me stop, it was all up to me, in the beginning and at the end.
I had to help myself, no one could do it for me, I cannot fix others, I can only fix myself.
I had to want to be sober more than I wanted to drink ultimately.
Seren
No one made me drink, and no one could make me stop, it was all up to me, in the beginning and at the end.
I had to help myself, no one could do it for me, I cannot fix others, I can only fix myself.
I had to want to be sober more than I wanted to drink ultimately.
Seren
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: where there's sun, sea and me
Posts: 38
Thanks for the all the feedback and the support. It helps to get some insight and makes it somewhat easier to believe that I couldn't have stopped him. Just hard to think of him as being trapped in the belly of an awful beast (that I'm not even sure he realized how deep he was in) and that love sometimes isn't enough.
From what I've read though it appears there is always a choice at some point as to whether to seek help or not although, alcohol messes with your mind and body so much, it cannot be easy for the real you to have the clarity to make that choice.
Anyway thanks again and while my friend lost his battle, maybe this post and your recovery stories will help others to win theirs.
From what I've read though it appears there is always a choice at some point as to whether to seek help or not although, alcohol messes with your mind and body so much, it cannot be easy for the real you to have the clarity to make that choice.
Anyway thanks again and while my friend lost his battle, maybe this post and your recovery stories will help others to win theirs.
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