Katecan

I had a moment this morning where I got angry. I've been angry before but I never felt it the way I did this morning. It felt different, clear and so real. Kinda scared me for a moment. Is it because my head is clear? I felt it from the pit of my stomach.

The anger came from a resentment towards my husband and he wasn't even home. I've had this resentment for along time and always kept it inside to avoid any arguments. Drank the anger away. This morning it even came out of my mouth. I said "I hate him for this".

What should I expect as these feelings become real to me? I held back all the time.

Thanks, Kathy

ANGELINA243

Feelings will start to resurface as you accumulate more clean time. We numb our feelings/emotions with poison for so long that at first when we start to get sober, simple things like anger, joy, sadness can be real scary or uncomfortable at first because we aren't used to "really being able to feel" anything. It will get better with time. You should talk to someone about how you feel--don't keep it bottled up inside yourself. Keep sharing/posting here. Also, working with a sponsor might help. Do you currently attend any type of 12 step fellowship. If so, steps 4-5 go over resentments/talking with your sponsor about them. Hang in there!

Katecan

Thanks ANGELINA. No, I haven't got a sponsor yet. I was set out to do that today (ask) at a noon meeting but it's snowing/raining here (I live in the country) and can't get into the city due to bad roads.

Thanks for explaining things to help at this moment.

justanothrdrunk

I want to second what Angelina said. I had been numbing myself for so long that I forgot what real emotions feel like. I've got almost 10 months sober now and I'm still learning. I know I've got a ways to go when it comes to not only feeling again, but even just recognizing what I'm feeling. I often know I'm feeling something, but I can't always discern what. That's when it helps me to talk it out with someone else in the program.

Katecan

I'll get this off my chest here. Maybe it will help me. My husband was out of work for a year and a half. I've been the bread winner of the family. The reason why he was out of work is because his family had a business for 30+ years and the business went south until it closed all together. It was a mom and pop grocery store. Anyways, that's all he new how to do really. When it was over, we still had RRSP's and some savings to get us through for awhile along with my paycheck. Well that all dryed up eventually. I've been patient with him through all of this until finances became desperate.

He started looking for work but was so fussy. I would try to find some work for him and it was never good enough. He ended up getting depressed and started drinking and doing pot. Hid the pot from me but I found it in his truck in a film case and rolling papers in his pocket. He was buying these with my money!!!! Yup, money used to be our's, but not any more is how I started feeling.

All he ended up doing daily was drinking, drugging and watching judge shows on T.V. while I worked. I wanted to throw his butt out and threatened to do just that. This all went on for the last couple of years. My drinking escalated just trying to cope and I can't not stop myself for blaming him for my drinking in some way, yet I know he didn't shove it down my throat.

I knew none of this would change if I didn't change myself. I was just getting worse all the time with these same old problems. Giving up.

He did get a job last week finally and I should be happy. It keeps him out of town a week at a time (home for 3). I'm glad he's gone. It makes things a ton easier to quit drinking.

Todays anger came up because I had no money to give my son for a drink at school. I was searching pockets for change. I did find some eventually.

Anyways, that's what has been going on and I do feel better just talking about it. I hope someday I can find the respect for my husband again. I know me being clean and him not will be a problem until I get myself in more stable situation to understand it all. He knows I've quit, he knows I'm going the AA route. He's not happy about that and said so the other night on the phone. He said all I have to do is slow down a bit and realize there's a time and a place to drink. Coming from him, that made me laugh.

Thanks for letting me vent and get these worries/resentments out.

Kathy

Tazman53

Kathy one thing to keep in mind that emotions are really a new thing to us and as a result they are usually exagerated, a sponsor would be the primary person to talk with about this, but in a pinch some one with good sobriety that you trust can do in a pinch. Od course you could always bring it up as a topic at a meeting.

Anger is a trigger for me, I had to work on it hard. Prayer helps, sitting quietly and once calm try and think the anger through, try and see if you may have a part in it. Anger is like a poison, it can be a resentment, having a resentmant is like us drinking poison and expecting the poison we drank to kill the person we are made at, the only person it winds up hurting is us.

Katecan

Thanks Tazman. Anger is my big one. This nice girl couldn't get the anger out, I am either a ticking timebomb or completely depressed trying to deal with it. Lots of ugly stuff inside of me and I'm beginning to feel it bad.

Will do some serious praying about this problem of mine.

Rimmy

The best I can offer is for you to continue to focus on yourself and of course your son. If your man is willing to drive a wedge between you (he might rather you be drinking so you drink your anger away), then don't allow him to be the focus.

OK, OK, easier said than done. But big decisions are easier made with a clear head. Keep your resentment and anger in check, and seeking counseling or other help is not crazy (except what they charge). But there are free counseling groups out there too. I only say counseling because if he is not willing to change, you might need someone to talk to about how to remedy the situation... I'm no counselor, so I won't say.

My thoughts are with you.

least

I too was/am having a hard time dealing with my emotions. I'd become so used to drowing my feelings that it was very hard dealing with them without the alcohol's numbing fog. But I'm doing better these days.

Sometimes if my feelings are really strong, especially anger, I write them down and read them and then tear it up and throw it away. It's a way to get my feelings out and not hurt anyone with them.

You can do this. It's easier if you just deal with things one day at a time.:ghug3

Tazman53

I like that least, when things start to build up in me some times I will step out back and scream at the top of my voice and continue to do so until I feel better. Sounds crazy, but it gives me some temporary releif at a minimum, sometimes permanent because how big a deal is some thing if simply screaming at the world gets rid of it?

zoomer

I think anger is a healthy emotion,but you have to let it out in a way that does not hurt people. I guess I would be angry too if I worked hard all day and someone was drinking ans smoking my hard earned bucks away. I say write down everything your feeling no matter what it is and one day you can be honest with your husband about how you feel. Use the "I feel" words though instead of the blame game. Holding any emotion in can cause depression. I heard someone once say Depression is anger turned inward. Glad you are sober today. Sounds like your husband may be in fear of you getting sober because he might have to as well.