Sindelu2

I just found this forum today and am trying to stay sober today-I am very sick after a relapse-was sober-in AA-for 21 years-relapsed last spring for about a month and again last week-drank for 4 days-yuk-yuk- yuk-just as bad as it was all those years ago!
I know I have to go back to a meeting and get honest but am just not up to facing everyone yet!! I can't bear for my husband and kids to know. No-one knows yet-I'm so darn good at hiding things from everyone but my emotional shame and pain is crippling-I already battle with depression and this just makes it 100 times worse.
I did return to meetings and get a sponsor and fess up to everyone last spring-they were all just starting to trust me again-now this. OMG what am I thinking??
I have a great life, husband, job etc. --I really don't have any excuses. Just slacked off on meetings and got depressed and whammo!!
Any support will be appreciated. Sindelu2

CarolD

Welcome to our Alcoholism Forum.

Just think of how many members who relapsed
and came back. Those are the fortunate ones.

So are you!
You already know what to do.

Good to see you here with us.

Rob B

Hi Sindelu,
Welcome to SR, you will find a lot of support here.
I offer support in the form of questions designed to help you discover your truth, If you do not want this feedback PM me and I will not respond to any more of your posts.

Did you work the steps?
Did You have a higher power?
DId you pray and meditate daily?
DId you work with others?
Did you finish ammends? ALL of them?
You don't need to answer those questions, on this post, just some considerations for you to ponder.

I work with a fair amount of relapser, they all fell for the popular meeting makers make it belief,Meetings are important as is fellowship, however, meetings will not keep a real alcoholic sober. If you are one, you found this out the hard way, be grateful you made it back. and consider doing something different this time.

nandm

Welcome to SR!

Glad you found us. Glad you are trying to find your sobriety again. Thank you for the reminder that no matter how long I have in sobriety I still need to keep working the program. I wish you the best and hope you are able to find experience, strength, hope, and support here to help you along.

Tazman53

I am glad you made it back, so many I hear do not, I have almost 19 months and I want you to know that I appreciate you coming here and sharing your relapse. This reminds me that I need to stay on top of my program, I need to work it one day at a time every day. I need to stay "IN" the program and not "AROUND" the program. I need to continue to work with others, work my service positions.

You know what you need to do, you rode the recovery wagon for years, you can ride it again, not only can you learn from your relapse, but by sharing it and the reasons why with others you can help fols like me avoid a relapse.

You know we do not shoot our wounded, we welcome them back with the same open loving arms that we do the newcomers.

Ananda

Glad you shared. I relapsed after 7 years, and I have seen a number of people relapse after many years in sobriety. I'm glad you seem to be able to come back. I stayed out 8 or so years.

I am always just so relieved that someone makes it back to meetings after a return to drinking, whether 1 day or 20 years. Please work the program to the best of your ability and understanding. I had a sponsor who use to say that the steps are perfect in design and foolproof in applications. She also told me that I didn't have to be "well" to go back to alchoholics anyonomous. That helped to save my life.

Hang in their and do keep coming back.

least

"We do not shoot our wounded". I take great comfort in that.

I relapsed many times just in the last few months before I finally came to believe that I could do this, one day at a time. I'm not going to 'yell' at you for your relapse. Sounds like you're already yelling at yourself. But I will welcome you back on the wagon. :ghug3 The important thing is that you're back.

Welcome back. Stay a while - one day at a time. :ghug

Dee74

welcome Sindelu2

this is a great place - lots of support and ideas - hope you find what you need
D

Katecan

Welcome Sindelu2

Goes to show that alcohol is poison to an alcoholic, today, tomorrow and 21 years from now. It is what it is!

Freedom1990

Thank you for reminding me how cunning, baffling, and powerful alcoholism is.

We've been talking a lot lately at meetings how alcoholism is always there in the back of our minds, doing pushups, just waiting for us to become complacent.

My sponsor, who has over 27 years now, recently lost a friend who went out after 17 years. She had a job working for the governor of her state on addictions research and treatment. While she was in the psych ward, she gouged her jugular vein with a plastic fork.

She did the job. She ended up on life support and was pronounced brain dead.

I will be keeping you in my prayers! :ghug2

barb dwyer

Sindelu -

You'll be in my prayers...
I hope you get back 'home' to the Rooms soon.

but I also have to thank you for the reminder that we never ... finish.

Music

Thanks for your message Sindelu. You've reaffirmed for me, that I'm never so well that I can afford to stop going to meetings.

Rimmy

It's natural to feel guilty or shame about drinking, but especially if you battle depression, don't let the negative be your focus... Too much "beating yourself up" emotionally will not help in your recovery. After 21 years, you know that although life can be difficult, you can get through it sober. You can be honest with yourself and your life sober. You can keep your depression at bay sober.

Find what kept you sober all those years and get it back. If that was meetings and working the steps, do it. I know you can. And hold your head high!!! 21 years is GREAT!!!

Cathy31

I promise that they welcomed you back then and would welcome you back now - you are a reminder of how cunning baffling and powerful our disease is...you are also an example of God's grace - you've made it up - get to that meeting, re-affirm the sponsor thing, start the steps AGAIN (something in you believed you weren't poweless over alcohol, go back to step 1...then service, meetings, higher power follow...

This is not a contest. Your length of sobriety is not relevant. We are all just an armlength's from our next drink...and we are sober from this morning - only by God's grace.
Good luck please let us know how you get on

cathy31
x

Sindelu2

Thank you all for your support and words of wisdom. It is day 2 and I am starting to feel a little better-I have to hear messages of recovery everyday to remember!! Geez! its like I have I have Alzheimer's instead of Alcoholism. I cannot believe I could forget and fool myself into thinking it would be any different! This disease is so powerful. Just a few weeks without a meeting and it was like I had never been in recovery at all.

Rob B

First off, this is not an attack, I am sharing my experience only.

One of my ongoing concerns is the rhetoric I hear at meetings, my disease is doing pushups in the parking lot, and so on... So many people live in fear, this is not freedom, this is not the experience the promises describe.

The Big Book provides exact instructions on how to have a psychic change sufficient enough to recover from alcoholim. By doing the work as it is laid out, without modifying, changing or trying to "improve" the steps, I have recovered from alcoholism. No I am not cured, I have a daily reprieve contingent on my spiritual condition.I am responsible for maintaining this. if I don't it is possible I would go from recovered to dead very quickly.

Like the above quote points out, I too am sober today only by the grace of a God of my understanding. This is a gift, that I am moved to share, even if it is not a"popular" belief.

God has removed the problem for me, I don't think about it either way, and I still have my arms.

namelessone

I relapsed once, hid it from everybody. I didn't want to face everyone I knew in the meetings either. But I did and I was welcomed back with open arms.

butterfly19

sindelu2,

I'm so glad you're feeling better today! I totally understand your fears, I think we all have them, and obviously, the depression doesn't help any. As I told you before, I think you're sponsor will be understanding as will your family. If they truly love you and see that you're wanting to get help, they will be there for you through it all. I was always good at hiding my addiction (opiates) as well, until I reached that point of an endless cycle where I totally changed and became the person I was never meant to be.

I'm still new at all this. I agree with what others have said above about your story is a good reminder that using might always be there in the back of our minds. That is when you have to get in touch with your spiritual side and have faith that you'll make it.

Take care! Try to stop in for the meeting tonight! I've been to a few now and have really enjoyed it!

butterfly19

p.s.: Make sure you stop and get that latte!! :bounce

:ghug2

Music

I have no idea if there's anything out there that could cause me to think taking a drink is a good idea. That's why I keep going to meetings, calling my sponsor, sponsoring people and working the steps to the best of my ability. There's only one way to tell I'm doing my best and that's by staying sober. Trust me, if I saw you at an AA meeting, I don't know that I would be able to do anything but give you a hug. I don't know what I'd say to you. What does a person say to someone who drank after 21 years except I'm so sorry and welcome back? Thank God you're back. I'm not sure I'd have the guts to do what you're doing so I thank you again for sharing your experience. I need to hear it. The Big Book makes a lot of promises and I believe every one of them will come true as long as I keep the faith. Think is, I'm fallible. I'm to young for Altzheimers and not for Partimers. I tend to have lapses. Some days I think I need to have a rectomektomy, which is a procedure where the nerve connecting my butt to my eyes is severed so I don't have such a crappy outlook on life.

Rimmy

Thank you !!!!