unigirl

Hi all,
Was at a meeting last night and a lady was sharing how an alcoholic is someone who simply cannot stop once they start- the craving gets worse the more we drink. Also we cant stop drinking and stay stopped. I can understand this now- and deffo see this in myself. However last night, i started getting those little memories - thosel ittle thoughts of , "But there was time i had enough booze" or "I remember i managed to control it on that occasion" etc *insert usual blabber here!* - So my head is in total over ride- mind racing and i can't concentrate on mtng. So i asked God to help me resolve this - cos once my mind starts going that way i know im entering dangerous territory!
Anyway as the mtng closed her closing remarks were something along the lines of, when she could control her drinking she wasnt enjoying it, and when she couldn't she was (which i've also seen said in one of the personal stories of the Big Book). Another point she made, which i'll never forget now, was the point was she never ever had control anyway. Because she could NOT determine when those nights of managing to control it would be. There were many times she wanted to moderate her drinking and failed. Those odd nights she could were then, luck- as she'd of been able to control/moderate every time if not.
This was the case with me- i could moderate my drinking on the odd occasion- but i'd be miserable. Most of the time, i would not have any control - despite many ways to try and moderate (change drink, ppl, place etc )i would fail miserably 9 times outa 10.
I just had to share this cos it's a big part of my recovery so far- these little realisitions- moments of "ahh...i get it now!"- i love them! I know if i keep working at this all these little niggling questions will be answered when im ready for them. I hope if anyone else has has issues with similar things this might help.

misskris76

yeah i know. i am dating this awesome guy, weve been bf and gf for about 8 months now. i got WA-ASTED! on his 38th bday party. we had to leave EARLY (930!) and his brother and he had to carry me in. witness to all this was his sister in law. thankfully they are all very kind and gracious people, BUT STILL! i started blabbering about the gd baby seals and water bottle caps, talking about how GREAT mike's member is etc etc, completely! I N A P P R O R I A T E!!! how embarrassing. he actually didn't speak to me for a few days. he is very supportive of my recovery, and has forgiven me this, but still. i mean, id be pissed too. i have no excuses and he is really so nice, and i am thankful. but yeah. there's an example for you of when you cant control it, even when so much is at stake!!!!!!

nandm

Thank you for sharing. The reminders are always good and for me so many times they come just when I needed them.

Missy, I can so relate. It seemed like I would get totally wasted at the most innapropriate times but the times when it was okay to get wasted I just couldn't seem to get drunk. Towards the end I never knew if I would be able to drink all night and still not be drunk or if a simple 6 pack would do me in. My liver was getting quite tired, I am fortunate that it healed after stopping drinking although I still have to be careful with meds when my doctor prescribes them as if they affect the liver at all my doc runs liver tests periodically to make sure everything is ok. That is because I did enough damage to my liver to make it susceptible to drug induced hepatitis. I wound up with that almost 2 years ago (I just celebrated 7 years). Fortunatly that form of hepatitis is usually reversible and it did heal for me.

Welcome to SR, Missy good to see a new member!

sugErspun

I love those moments of 'clarity' Uni. Thank you for sharing.

For me, it was a matter of seeing if there was a time that I had attempted to control my drinking (the amount I would have one night) - and was unable to stick to it. Also - had I ever tried to leave it alone completely just to drink again anyway, for some ridiculous reason or for no reason at all.

Me experience with alcohol confirmed the questions I was posed. I had to admit that I could not make a choice to control my drinking, and I couldn't choose to not drink either...I was f'd (for lack of a better term).

unigirl

Yeh i was the same missy- always prone to making a fool of myself- esspecially at the time when i REALLY did not want to lol. Thanks for your reply nandm- and welcome missy.
Suger u xplain it exactly in juts a few simple sentences! Thanks all.

Tazman53

Great share uni, this is why it is imho so important to go to a ton of meetings in early sobriety, I know I was really squirrely for months, I needed to hear shares just like what you shared, those types of shares helped me understand my problem better. I had to hear all of those shares to keep me sober long enough to work the steps and have the obsession lifted.

least

I remember very well coming to the realization that I DID have a bad problem with alcohol and could not control my drinking. I tried to prove to myself that it wasn't that bad (only wine, not hard liquor; never at bars; etc etc) but when I finally got truthful with myself I had to admit that it WAS a problem, a BIG problem. It was several months after that epiphany that I actually was able to stop. All my attempts at 'controlling' it failed miserably.

Funny thing is, when my kids pointed out that it was a problem I didn't believe them. It wasn't until I MYSELF admitted it was a problem that I was able to try to stop. And of course it took me many attempts to really stop.

misskris76

well, the night i got wasted at the bday party, i was exhausted. this seems to be a trigger for me. in order to be 'on' at the party and to be 'charming' to this new group of peers, i decided it would be a good idea to stash a poland spring water bottle in my purse and to have 3 or 4 wines while getting ready for the party. well, i did look cute, but the vino was a flowin during dinner, (keep in mind i'd already gotten my own party started!) i made a few trips to the ladies, and bingo bango, look who's drunk! at 9 pm! what a great first impression. sheesh.

misskris76

oh, the poland spring bottle was filled with chardonnay!

reed

Attempting to manage one's drinking or drug use is truly a mind game.

justanothrdrunk

Me managing my drinking = a blind squirrel that finds a nut every now and again.

unigirl

lol justanotherdrink i agree! it's just pure off chance luck for an alcoholic lik me. i remember when i went to visit my gran i went out a coupla nghts n was really apprehensive as i knew what i was like if i drank- uncontrollable and had v bad hangovers. But i manged to control it to an extent - got drunk but controlled it. When i came into aa this bugged me as i though how did i if im an alcoholic? But now i realse that the fact is i was so agitated and angry when i was controlling it cos all i wanted was more and more- getting drunk isnt enough for me- i need to be wasted- beyond all recall. So on these odd occasions it was luck for me (cos there was other times i tried to manage my drinking and failed miserably - 9 times outa 10 i would fail i reckon!) Now that is most definately powerless of alcohol!