misskris76

i desperately want to stop drinking...BUT I CANT! i am very functional, it's like i lead a double life, never miss work, pay all my bills, no dui's, clean home, nice clothes, in great shape, etc. the only ones who know are my romantic relationships and they end badly bc of drinking. they'll say you are such a gem, a great girl, gorgeous, but guess what? SURPRISE! DRUNK! it is awful to be put in that situation. to be feeling so unlovable for something i so do not even want to do! also, my son is going to be three, i have always taken care of him well, but he has seen me wasted, and i mean i get wasted, almost every single evening. of course i wait to really pound it till he is asleep. right now, he won't remember (my son), but he will soon, if he asks me, mommy, why are you acting funny? i will just die. i just don't know what to do. his father left us and it was mostly due to my drinking. he was a bit of a loser though and i am better off, but still, to think that my drinking pushed away my son's dad hurts me terribly, of course. the guy i am dating now is so great, i absolutely adore him, but tonight he left disgusted with me bc of my drinking, and i had to give my son a bath rather inebriated. i just don't know what to do. i literally can't stop until i pass out, which luckily happens before i do anything too stupid, but then of course, i worry about my responsibility to take care of any night time calamity if i am passed out drunk, it makes me sick, all of it, yet i do it again and again. i know it's my problem, this man i am seeing, i don't want to bring this into his life, or to make it his problem, but we are at a place where we should decide some things about the future of our relationship, he's already called it off for a bit, but came back bc he likes me so much, but, you know, i couldn't blame him, i mean, yeah i'm a great girl, but im a drunk! my son, unfortunately, doesn't have the choice as i am the primary custodial parent. i know my life would be SO SO much better if i could get alcohol out of the way, ive done meetings, even a 4 week out patient treatment, but i drank right through it, (2 bottles of wine, approx, per night for the past 8 years). another thing, i don't ever get hangovers, don't ask me how, just a blessing and a curse. it would be hard for me to commit to a 28 day rehab as i must work and care for my son, but my drinking is pretty much emotionally exhausting and absolutely disparaging. if anything ever happens to my son because of my drinking, which it very well may, i will just about die, and if this wonderful man and relationship that i am involved in right now slip away because of drinking, i am just not sure i can take it again. i get so anxious if i know alcohol won't be available, avoid family visits involving sleepovers, making sure i have some way to drink (hiding it of course). and what about my health? i had a complete physical and was in tip top shape, but surely it will catch up to me eventually. i mean, my soul hurts but i just keep on doing it, oh the demon alcohol, let me be free!

Tazman53

misskriss I can totally relate, I have been where you are at right now as far as drinking goes and a little further, I know all about wanting to not drink and having to drink! The last 5 years of my drinking were like that.

Alcohol beat me down bad enough to where I was willing to do what ever it took to get and stay sober, I saw a doctor, he put me into detox, detox sent me to AA, I have not had to drink since Sept. 6, 2006 and I am happier then I have been in over 30 years!

Are you willing to go to any length to get and stay sober, if you are then I can tell you I found a solution for my drinking that will work for you if you are willing to work it.

BTW here is a test you can take Alcoholics Anonymous : the results will tell you why you can not stop.

The reason I could not stop is because I am an alcoholic named Martin.

frstnm

I know exactly what you are talking HAD great jobs, good health, nice places to live, family that talked to me, great girlfriends, and nice cars......and almost became homeless.
The DWIs were YETs for me as were the addiction issues....that I couldnt stop.
I had to have enough losses, health problems etc beforeI really wanted to stop.
I hope you can "get it" quicker than I did !
Best....
frstnm

sobergirl77

I was in your exact position just a few months ago... wanted to stop but couldn't. I had to become completely miserable and sick before I decided to take the steps to stop drinking. For a long time I thought i had it under "control"... for instance, I would buy a bottle of vodka, pour half of it out so I wouldn't end up drinking the whole thing that night. Then I found out grey goose doesn't give you a hangover, even when you DO finish the bottle, so that became my poison for a while. I rationalized to myself that it was healthier than beer or wine - hey, no carbs or sugar! Then when I wanted to be "good", I'd drink a bottle of wine or two for the night. (Hey, red wine is supposed to be good for you, remember?) When I wanted to get off the hard stuff completely, I'd stick to beer.

I functioned just fine for a while... sure, I'd be tired in the morning and be hungover at times. But I'd get my work done. I'd go to the gym, eat healthy, see friends, etc. Things were fine and dandy and I came home and drank myself into oblivion every night.

Then the day came when suddenly my body became physically addicted to alcohol... if I didn't drink hard alcohol every few hours or so, I'd become very sick. I'd be panicky, anxious, weak, shaky... I couldn't switch to beer or wine anymore because my body "needed" vodka or hard alcohol to function. This took place very recently, by the way, perhaps only about a month or two ago.

The sudden physical stuff was my "rock bottom", or perhaps you can say my wake up call... the desperate trips to the liquor store, timed so I wouldn't be shaking when I handed over my money. The planning all day, every day when and where I'd get alcohol. "Oh, I went to that store yesterday, I better go somewhere else today" and "I better make sure to buy some groceries with this wine or else people will think I'm an alcoholic" were common thoughts going through my mind each day. Oh, and going to a liquor store at 10am (when they open around here)? That was one of my lowest points. I was already in a detox stage at that point. I was shaking, trying not to show it, playing it off to the cashier that I was stocking up on mini bottles of wine for a party. (Yeah, a party of one!)

Sometimes you don't have to get a DUI, or get arrested for public drunkenness, or get in trouble at work or home in order to reach a point when you've had enough and KNOW that you have no choice but to stop.

Music

Hi Misskris,
You ask why! You just ain't ready yet!

Rimmy

I own my own business, 15 yrs into pretty great relationship, beautiful daughter... couldn't stop drinking.

I was running from a lot of crap and to be honest, when I faced it, not drinking became a logical thing to do. You can stop to and it sounds like you want to. Stop for one day and then one more.. and one more...

Hang in there

Pinkcuda

Alcohol is so powerful it tricks us into not knowing the difference between "Can't" and "Won't".

miavin2

Hi kris...yes you CAN stop drinking.

Your description of your drinking habit sounds pretty serious...especially the part about bathing a 3 yr old while drunk...please DONT do that again...let your child be dirty till your sober...it wont hurt him.

Interesting that every person who responded to you said they were in the same place you have been...well...me TOO ! and though you say you "JUST CANT STOP" I disagree...as the responses from others seem to imply too...Im not trying to be a smart Azz either...your mind is saying..."JUST CANT STOP"...but experience, tells those of us who were in the same place you are now, that WE CAN !

make that the new Mantra in your head kris...replace I cant with
WE ( alcholholics every where ) CAN ! Im willing to bet the mortgage that you CAN stop drinking...

now...once you start saying that YOU CAN STOP drinking in your head...there are some simple steps that helped me... they have already been suggested...I'd like to tell you again...cuz sometimes we need to hear things a few times ...and in a real simple idiot proof list form.

1. See a Medical Doctor...be COMPLETLEY honest about how much and how often you drink.(if the Doc suggests medical / in patient detox,find a way to DO IT)

2. Consider Intensive out patient therapy if your Doc does NOT suggest checking into a rehab center this can be do-able with a small child.

3. Go to an AA meeting EVERY DAY for 90 days...sit and listen...share that your "new" (if you feel comfortable doing so ) and watch the magic happen...get phone #s to use BEFORE you drink...get a sponsor...even if it's temporary.

NOTE : Please try not to let yourself fill your head with why you CANT do these things...excuses like...

" what about my son...I have to figure out day care etc etc ...my job...people will judge me...life wont be as full anymore...I dont have the time for all this ...blah blah blah "

.....its all bunk kris...you can stop...we all have...thousands...millions...have done it ...and you CAN too.

peace and respect,

miavin2

miss communicat

Hi, I am an alcoholic similar to the way you describe yourself at the end of my drinking. I am sober now because I, too, was desperate to have a better life.

For me, desperation was the gift that brought me to the rooms of AA and crossed me over the threshold of insanity to a sane + sober life.

I hope for you that your desperation is felt so fully today that you move towards change. You CAN stop drinking, but things must change in order to have te changes last.

Don't fool yourself. If drinking is causing problems in you life and you continue to drink, then functionaity is a delusion. At best.


How functional is that?

Sounds like you have lost all power of choice as far as alcohol is concerned. This acknowledgement for me was the first step towards recovery. It might be for you too. I hope so. You sound like you have so much at stake.


you might want to re-read this every day, and check out AA.
There is help for you. It works!

Tazman53

One thing you need to keep in mind is there are very few paths that alcoholism takes alcoholics to:

1. Prison
2. Institutions
3. Death (Some times we kill others before we die)
4. Sobriety

I had to go through medical detox to start, but I chose door #4 and AA showed me the way.

misskris76

thanks for all of the advice guys. i know that i do want to quit. and yes, i have been to a 4 week intensive outpatient therapy, and one on one counseling sessions, and AA. i have 2 wonderful women there who want to sponsor me and a home group, but i stopped going bc through it all, i was drinking!!! i felt like a fraud. i really think that a 5 day detox will be the best for me, bc one of the reasons i drink is due to the intense irritability, the insomnia, the exhaustion, and the severe anxiety i start to experience around, oh you know. And once again, before i know it, i reach for that glass (or 6) of pinot noir. i say the demon alcohol, cuz it is like i am possessed, like i drive to the liquor store, open the wine and pour it, not of my own volition but bc of something in me more powerful than myself, something that's not me, yet it is. i am coming to think that i need to be in a place where i can focus on just me for the first days of withdrawal. my withdrawal symptoms are mild and probably not life threatening, but at least i could be somewhere where a glass of wine is NOT an option, and i don't have to worry about being functional for the next day to keep up with the (VERY HECTIC AND NONSTOP) many responsibilities and obligations i have to fulfill each day. i am going to call some treatment places today and then my son's dad (who, to his credit, is very very supportive of my sobriety) to see if he could possibly stay at my house with him for those 5 days and call the two women who want to sponsor me in AA to inform them of the situation and to get on top of getting right back to meetings when i get out. what do you guys think? i really doubt i can just cold turkey stop of on my own, i need to be where i just can’t drink. i will have to miss 5 days of work, but it will be worth it to have my life back and alcohol out of the way. I really have so very much to be happy and grateful for, so many aspects of my life moving in the right directions. i’d be lying if i said i don’t enjoy the sensation of being intoxicated, but even when i am, i think is this really worth all i can lose? my health, relationships, credibility, my own self worth as a parent, and possibly so much more? motherhood and alcoholism definitely do not make good companions. it’s just to the point where i am sick of it, i am just fed up with the bs, it simply has to go move on somewhere else, it’s just not for me anymore and i know that i can stop and i will. i want to be the one doing my life, NOT alcohol

Tazman53

The ladies in AA may know some places you could detox at, why not call them first, it could save you some time getting into detox.

laurie6781

Welcome to SR MissKris.

Nope those are not reasons, they are EXCUSES. And on top of that, they are caused by the alcohol you keep ingesting. A 3 to 5 day medically supervised detox will get you past the worst of it.

Nothing is going to work, until you commit totally to recovery. You have admitted here that you cannot control your alcohol consumption and you have certainly admitted that your life is unmanageable, so............................................

You still have choices.....................you can go to AA, to as many meetings a week as possible, you can get the Big Book and start reading it, you can ask one of those women that has already offered, to be your sponsor and then start following their directions, you can check out SMART Recovery, or RR, or one of many other programs out there these days, or you can stop today.

The choice is yours.

I can share with you what happens if you don't stop now. You see at one time I was in your shoes, had an EXCELLENT job, a beautiful home, fancy cars, nice jewelry and lots of perks. Yep it was a great life and I drank it away. In January of '79 my folks told me they were literally disowning me (I was 33 1/2 yrs old) that if I came to the door it would be shut in my face and if I called on the phone, they would hang up. And they did that.

They said it was my problem and I was going to have to fix it myself. My folks had gotten smart and stopped enabling me. It would take me another 2 1/2 years to get sober, and the last 1 1/2 years I lived on the street of Hollyweird.

Alcohol is what brought me to my knees, pure and simple ALCOHOL. I took this affliction, disease, obsession, whatever you want to call it, TO THE MAX. I ended up in ER having seizures, with a .38 bac and my body craving MORE. My heart kept stopping with every bout of seizures and they would kick start me one more time. The last bout of seizures, the Dr gave up after about 28 minutes and was writing the TOD on my chart, when my heart started on its own.

I got a second chance, and I don't know if there are any more chances left for me, so I stuck with it in AA and started working on me BIG TIME.

I used to envy folks that came into AA with some sort of family left and some 'stuff' still in their possession. No more. You see I wasn't at the bottom of the barrel when I got here, I was a good 100 feet below that, because I hadn't learned how to stop digging the hole deeper. So when I got here, I had no excuses left. I was bankrupt in every facet of my life emotionally, physically, mentally and financially.

So for me admitting to the very core of my being that I was powerless over alcohol and that my life, while using was totally unmanageable was not that hard.

Over the years I have seen how much harder Step 1 is for those that didn't have to go as far as I did.

So like I said you have choices. You just have to decide which one you want to do. Quit now? avoid losing everything, or take it to the MAX and risk death.

There are 3 UPs for an alkie:

Locked UP,

Covered UP, or

Sobered UP.

You are reaching out for help and that is good. You've reached out here, now.......why not reach out to one of those
?

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

GlassPrisoner

I think that sounds like a great idea.

tennis71

Welcome to SR, you are in the right place to get some advice.

It sounds like part of you wants to stop drinking but you are not at the point that you are willing to do what it takes to stop. Try this, start simple and ask yourself, what am I willing to do to not drink today. Once you figure that out you will be ready to move forward.

If you do decide to move forward you may want to consider inpatient with detox. Outpatient did not work and AA did not work, likely because you lacked the tools to go into them clear headed and open minded. If inpatient is not an option, then try going to AA and obtain a sponsor to help you start the steps, also seek a Dr. to help with detoxing.

The desire to quit is a great start but you have to take action on that desire, I hope this helps and there is a lot of good advice and sobriety on this forum for you to learn from.

Take care and I look forward to hearing about your success!

CarolD

Hi and Welcome to SR!

misskris76

bc one of the reasons i drink is due to the intense irritability, the insomnia, the exhaustion, and the severe anxiety i start to experience

laurie you wrote
Nope those are not reasons, they are EXCUSES. And on top of that, they are caused by the alcohol you keep ingesting. A 3 to 5 day medically supervised detox will get you past the worst of it.
what i meant was that when i don't drink, these withdrwal symptoms start to surface and i feel consumed by an overwhelming desire to drink that feels beyond my control. i know there are NO excuses for me to drink, i simply cannot drink, but i do, and i really feel like i can't help myself without intervention because i have tried so so many times and end up back where i started. thank you for your advice though. i have decided to arrange for myself to go to a medical detox, and i will keep you posted:-)

unigirl

Hi miss kris- i identified a lot with your intitial post- i know how it is to be stuck in that rut- the good thing is, you recognise you have a prob- and you appear desperate. For me desperation was v important in getting sober- as it brings about willingness.
Getting sober ain't easy- thats why i had to be willing to do ANYTHING. I think it's great your are getting on a medical detox. A.A has been a tremendous help for me- i couldn't have got sober without it.
The reason you can't stop drinking even tho u want to isn't cos u r a bad person, it's just cos u have an illness - an allergy to the acohol once you drink it- which makes it pretty imposs to stop. The reason u can't leave alone is cos u have a mental obsession for it. I don't know if that makes things any better or clearer for u- but i just thought id mention it cos for me it's v important i get that- it helps to understand! Keep us posted!

Katecan

misskris76, I was you just last Saturday (last drink, 5 days ago). Everyday that I don't drink is a huge success for me. I can't believe it myself to be honest. This site is absolutely helping me. Your post alone has helped along with this thread. Thank you. If I can, you can!!!! ((((misskris))))

GlassPrisoner

Yup. Ditto here.

Everyone comments on how quickly, and throughly I worked the steps. And how I appear to have more time then I really do (18 months). My response to them is usually along the lines of "Well, my a** was on fire....I HAD to work an aggressive program..."