mm312

I'm just starting a program on the 21st as I mentioned before. I am receiving no support from my fiance, all he does is talk down on me telling me it's about time, why did it take so long and every time I go out or do anything he just assumes I'm drinking all night.

I am not a heavy drinker, but when I do drink I change a lot and continued to drink even though it bothered him. I have admitted alcohol is not for me and I'm working on changing my lifestyle and habits.

It really hurts me. He has no faith in me, does not believe in me and makes me feel like a failure. I have not received one supportive or kind word from him.

I'm really down.......

CarolD

My lover was supportive of my sobriety
but...as he met me when we were drinkers

our relationship did not last
He survived....I thrived

I had new goals and a different lifestyle.
Heck...I changed the rules on him.

Your main focus is to find a way to a
healthy productive future.
Not all loves are forever.

Take care of YOU...then you can decide what to do.

mm312

Thank you Carol, Yes he is a drinker. But he can handle a lot of drinks unlike me as I'm sure you can relate.

When I finally confessed that I had an issue and was getting help. He told me that he couldn't be with someone that was unable to handle alcohol. I'm feeling really bad about myself because I have not received one positive word. You would think he could understand since he's a doctor but I feel like he's more embarassed.

It's hard enough alone. Is this reaction from him normal?

MagicMan08

well...if it is a large part of your life in general...things might not work out...

this overall reaction is what you make of it, as I don't know your whole situation. But in recovery take care of your recovery...

I always remember who is responsible for my happiness....

Zoobear

Get rid of him.

4MY3

Totaly agree with Zoobear
Why would you want to marry some one who cant support you in big life changing choises. What if something elce mayjor happend in you life and you need him for that would he be there? And don't you dare Feel Bad about yourself you should fell sorry for him for not supporting the one he says he loves and talking down to you is a form of abuse Please re-think you commitment to him and check your COMMITMENT TO YOU!!!!!!!
Please take care of YOU
if he really love's you he'll work through it with you, if not He's Not Worth Your Love

mm312

You both are so right. I just wrote Zoo bear telling him, I couldn't imagine what life would be like with him. Maybe someone somewhere is showing me this window of opportunity to view my life with him.... YIKES is all I have to say.

He's def. made the process so much harder constantly accusing me of being drunk when I'm not and has me under a microscope. He doesn't believe anything anything i say and keeps telling me he's heard it before and that he's sure I'll keep behaving as I did before.
It's just such a bummer.... hurts. He makes me feel like I'm such a burden for having this issue and I'm just another thing to deal with. : (

Music

Very interesting!! I'd suggest you give some serious consideration to finding another fiance. This guy doesn't want you to stop drinking 'cause he'll lose his excuse for going out. Right now he has a drinking buddy. If you quit, he'll have to change his behavior. He's trying to sabotage you.

sailorjohn

He can 'handle' a lot more drinks because he probably weighs more. Am wondering why a 'doctor', who has probably had some training in substance abuse, would look down on someone in recovery?

In my experience, the people that were least comfortable with my sobriety were alcoholics themselves. My alcoholic ex was furious when I told her I was an alcoholic and was attending meetings. He 'might' not be able to be with someone that is unable to 'handle' alcohol, you definitely don't need to be with someone that doesn't support your sobriety. My thoughts go out to you.

MagicMan08

it fricken sucks....i am there right now kinda....but I sorta caused my problems.... But its a a serious life choice....I mean sometimes I think life would be totally better without her, then its like well I donno I do like this and this....its tough. good luck

NoMoBeer

mm
Can't say more than the fine folks here on SR have already said, other than...

I see you have posted on quite a few occasions that you "can't handle alcohol," and your fiance now saying you "can't handle alcohol." BE KIND TO YOURSELF. If you are an alcoholic, your body -- indeed cannot handle alcohol. Much like a person with Celiac disease (shameless awareness message for this disease, which affects my daughter) cannot have Gluten (found in Wheat, Rye and Barley). For a person with Celiac, the Gluten shuts down their digestive tract. For alcoholics, having alcohol creates a physical CRAVING for more alcohol -- we are indeed allergic to alcohol. Recovery enables us to live in a way which will be able to keep the alcohol out of our bodies... thus recovered.

Do what you want with Mr. Sabotage, but be kind to yourself, recover and live life sober! It's great!

Ken

Jfanagle

MM,

I gave up an 8 year relationship after I stopped drinking. As has been said, she lost her playmate and sadly OUR basis was in a large part alcohol.

Take care of YOUR problems and needs and after the fog has cleared in your life you will be able to make reasoned decisions, what ever those may be. Don't try and decide your life path until you figure out which path sobriety will place you on.

I for one believe that things happen for a reason, even though we may not understand or even like some of those reasons when they occur. My suggestion is that you devote your time and energy to your sobriety and you may find that YOU are not the same person with the same goals in a sober life that you currently have.

Best of luck and concentrate on your happiness right now.

Jon

Tazman53

That right there told me something, he wants to drink himself more then he cares about you!!! You quitting angers him because if you get and stay sober you will see him for what he really is.

Well if my wife/fiancee was an alcoholic and decided to quit drinking while I was still an active alcoholic I would view that as a distinct threat to my drinking, I would be scared that you would see that I am an alcoholic too and would do what ever it took to keep you drinking to where you could not see I was an alcoholic also.

I will back up what others have said, you need to watch out for you and take actions to protect yourself!

You have reached the point where you have decided that alcohol is harming you as a result you have chosen to get rid of the alcohol!

Now you need to reach the point of getting rid of anything or anyone that is not supporting you in taking care of your self.

sugErspun

When I was active, I didn't deserve to be trusted that I wasn't drunk (even when I really wasn't drunk). I gave no reason through my actions and the way I lived life that I should/deserved to be trusted about ANYTHING, let alone drinking.

You see, my problems are of MY OWN making - no one elses. This realization came through the recovery process.

Once I cleaned my side of the street, relationships that I thought were written off, suddenly rebounded, trust was restored and life made sense again.

I don't know if you should stay with your fiance or not, it's none of my business. But if you cannot control the amount of liqour you drink once you start, or cannot leave it alone completely when you want/need to - you might want to consider recovering. It's 100% possible.

Right now - it seems you have the craving on you (unable to leave it alone for dinner), get some time away from alcohol, understand the truth of your condition (are you alcoholic or just have a drinking problem? - There is a difference), things will being to fall into place.


That being said - any time I tried to get sober for someone else (win approval), I failed.

Rimmy

Yep, first and formost, do this for you. I've sobered up for my wife, for my business, for my daughter and failed every time. You'll probably need to want to do this for you in order to succeed. If it threatens his drinking, there is nothing you can do about that.

Two years ago, I was posting about how my wife threw it in my face that I was sober at the first sign of an arguement! "You're so f***ing perfect because you don't drink" and stuff like that. It was very difficult to work through that. I finally got it through to her that it was something I NEEDED to do in order to be happy, and when I told her I would do anything to stay sober and that it was still me, we worked through it. I've had her support for the past 6 months and even though I relapsed and am starting over, it wasn't "because of her" so to speak that I used as an excuse. It was me.

Point being that it might take some time for him not to be intimidated or threatened by being with a sober person, but it can happen. Don't give up hope, but be sure you do what you need to do for yourself first.

Freedom1990

Those were my thoughts too. Many have tried to sabotage my recovery because it changed the dynamics with them.

Those kind of 'friends' I have had to cross off the list

tennis71

Dealing with the wreckage that we created when we were drinking is one of the toughest things we as alcoholics have to over come. Not everyone understands what we have gone through in our own minds to get to the point of quitting and they likely never will. That is why you have to do this for yourself.

SR is a safe place for you and I think you will find that there is a lot of wisdom and experience to learn from.