How long 'til Serenity, Peace & Joy..and fun?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 51
How long 'til Serenity, Peace & Joy..and fun?
Hi, This is my first post. I hope it's OK if I just jump into this forum to start.
I've been reading others' posts here and really found them insightful. I also really appreciated Carol's "sticky" reference links.
My last drink was one week ago.
In addition to asking how long it takes to achieve peace & serenity, I have a related question:
Is it possible to give up alcohol, or is one likely to do so, if one has never hit bottom????
With that, I'll back up and say something about myself. My wife and I have been married 30 years. We are still best friends and lovers. AND...we love our daily happy hour! Seriously,... we chill, we laugh, we talk about our day...it's our best time of the day. BUT.... for her, it's one GandT, and then a glass or two of wine with dinner. That is all she wants. With me, over the years, it has become an obsession: Vodka soda maybe, followed by 3 -4 Canadian whiskeys over the course of the evening. We are the yin and yang...She the serious one, me the fun loving goof off..(and the bread winner). She NEEDS me to be the fun one!
It's been a slow rise to this level of drinking, because I have also been a bit of a fitness nut, running and swimming ever since college. The daily morning runs have served to detox and sweat out the night before's drinking. Also, as practicing Christians, we tend to practice the 12 steps naturally as biblical principles. These factors have steadied me over the years.
I've tried to quit on almost a yearly basis, because I become afraid of and unable to control the quantity. And because it conflicts with my spiritual convictions. But, after 1,2 or 3 months, I invariably start again. Why? Because:
1) I'm usually more sullen and uptight (no serenity & joy...or fun) at the end of the day without a drink to chill and cheer. This wears on my wife.
2) I miss, as does she, the times that we unwind and laugh and talk with a drink. I open up and talk much more (what women want!) with the "truth serum" (but, she can't relate to how I can't stop after one drink)
3) I don't have any gutter drunk experiences/memories to scare me away.
Example: Last Spring I again quit. But, for summer we planned a road trip up through California wine country. What a drag I would be if I didn't enjoy the wine?! So I started again. Only the wine wasn't enough, I had to have a jug of Canadian Velvet in the hotel room to sip all evening as well!...And so it goes...
Another example: When do I quit, my adult son will come to me and say: "Dad, you mean you and I can't ever share a cold beer together again?!?!"
Has anyone quit for good from this kind of a drinking habit? How long before I can just let it go, and not need or miss it? ie achieve peace, joy & serenity (and fun).
Thanks, (if you read all this, you are either a saint, or you need to get a life! haha just kidding)
Paul
PS, I'll resurrect this thread again as time passes to check back in, the way Grizzled did with his. So please note the date if you are reading this 6 months from now. Or if I give up, I'll tell you. I had only intended to "dry out" during the week, but as the weekend approached, I realized I should keep at it and consider making it permanent sobriety again.
I've been reading others' posts here and really found them insightful. I also really appreciated Carol's "sticky" reference links.
My last drink was one week ago.
In addition to asking how long it takes to achieve peace & serenity, I have a related question:
Is it possible to give up alcohol, or is one likely to do so, if one has never hit bottom????
With that, I'll back up and say something about myself. My wife and I have been married 30 years. We are still best friends and lovers. AND...we love our daily happy hour! Seriously,... we chill, we laugh, we talk about our day...it's our best time of the day. BUT.... for her, it's one GandT, and then a glass or two of wine with dinner. That is all she wants. With me, over the years, it has become an obsession: Vodka soda maybe, followed by 3 -4 Canadian whiskeys over the course of the evening. We are the yin and yang...She the serious one, me the fun loving goof off..(and the bread winner). She NEEDS me to be the fun one!
It's been a slow rise to this level of drinking, because I have also been a bit of a fitness nut, running and swimming ever since college. The daily morning runs have served to detox and sweat out the night before's drinking. Also, as practicing Christians, we tend to practice the 12 steps naturally as biblical principles. These factors have steadied me over the years.
I've tried to quit on almost a yearly basis, because I become afraid of and unable to control the quantity. And because it conflicts with my spiritual convictions. But, after 1,2 or 3 months, I invariably start again. Why? Because:
1) I'm usually more sullen and uptight (no serenity & joy...or fun) at the end of the day without a drink to chill and cheer. This wears on my wife.
2) I miss, as does she, the times that we unwind and laugh and talk with a drink. I open up and talk much more (what women want!) with the "truth serum" (but, she can't relate to how I can't stop after one drink)
3) I don't have any gutter drunk experiences/memories to scare me away.
Example: Last Spring I again quit. But, for summer we planned a road trip up through California wine country. What a drag I would be if I didn't enjoy the wine?! So I started again. Only the wine wasn't enough, I had to have a jug of Canadian Velvet in the hotel room to sip all evening as well!...And so it goes...
Another example: When do I quit, my adult son will come to me and say: "Dad, you mean you and I can't ever share a cold beer together again?!?!"
Has anyone quit for good from this kind of a drinking habit? How long before I can just let it go, and not need or miss it? ie achieve peace, joy & serenity (and fun).
Thanks, (if you read all this, you are either a saint, or you need to get a life! haha just kidding)
Paul
PS, I'll resurrect this thread again as time passes to check back in, the way Grizzled did with his. So please note the date if you are reading this 6 months from now. Or if I give up, I'll tell you. I had only intended to "dry out" during the week, but as the weekend approached, I realized I should keep at it and consider making it permanent sobriety again.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Welcome to SR
It took me working through the steps of recovery found at AA meeting or rules of life as I found them in the bible before I found that joy and serenity.
Not all of us end up in a gutter but all of us can have baggage. By working through the steps we learn how to leave the baggage behind and that can free us up so we talk more without the truth serum for courage.
As for what is your bottom vs that of another person... bottom is where we say enough and start seeking answers. Sadly for some, it can mean being homeless and pennyless but it doesn't need be that way for all.
Glad you enjoyed the stickies. Carol is one smart lady and she shares what she knows and has learned through her experiences of life.
It took me working through the steps of recovery found at AA meeting or rules of life as I found them in the bible before I found that joy and serenity.
Not all of us end up in a gutter but all of us can have baggage. By working through the steps we learn how to leave the baggage behind and that can free us up so we talk more without the truth serum for courage.
As for what is your bottom vs that of another person... bottom is where we say enough and start seeking answers. Sadly for some, it can mean being homeless and pennyless but it doesn't need be that way for all.
Glad you enjoyed the stickies. Carol is one smart lady and she shares what she knows and has learned through her experiences of life.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 1,202
Well Paull I too am a recovering alcoholic, you ever get brain fog? You don't seem to have that trouble, I just drink like you to obsess, can't control the amount... I've been on Day 6 so far, it seems you don't have trouble quitting for quite a while but then you keep going back to it... I don't have much advice to give except if you want peace of life/happiness/contentment I gotta say I think it's best to stay off alcohol forever.
Today's Muse
Join Date: May 2007
Location: West end
Posts: 1,081
Is it possible to give up alcohol, or is one likely to do so, if one has never hit bottom????
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hi Paul....Welcome to SR!
The key for me was I had to desire sobriety
more than I wanted to drink.
When did I find my joy and serenity?
When I began to help others with recovery.
To do that...I use God and AA.
Do you consider yourself an alcoholic?
If your wife drank as you do....
what would you want her to do?
Have you had a medical check up recently
and discussed your drinking with candor?
No need to answer me...just think about my questions.
...I can't take credit for the sticky post.
I just hung them up!
Congratulations on looking for answers
Blessings to you and your wife.
The key for me was I had to desire sobriety
more than I wanted to drink.
When did I find my joy and serenity?
When I began to help others with recovery.
To do that...I use God and AA.
Do you consider yourself an alcoholic?
If your wife drank as you do....
what would you want her to do?
Have you had a medical check up recently
and discussed your drinking with candor?
No need to answer me...just think about my questions.
...I can't take credit for the sticky post.I just hung them up!
Congratulations on looking for answers
Blessings to you and your wife.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hi again Paul...
we have a thread in our 12 step Forum
that you might find interestings
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-drinking.html
"What made you go back to drinking" is the topic.
We have members sharing with both
new and old sobriety.
we have a thread in our 12 step Forum
that you might find interestings
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-drinking.html
"What made you go back to drinking" is the topic.
We have members sharing with both
new and old sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Colorado Prairie
Posts: 1,417
Rock Bottom is relative to what's happening in our lives at the time. At one point I was of the "Skid Row" variety. In and out of institutions. Not so bad though. I had a bed and something to eat when institutionalized.
I opted for a better life and worked hard to get through life with a constant desire to obtain wealth and material possessions.
Through hard work and dedication I became an E.E. in the Automated Equipment field.
I had become somebody, so I thought. All while still drinking. Proves that I was different than everyone else that was an Alcoholic.
Then it hit me. I was a failure as a Husband and Father. It hit me so hard that my ears are still ringing to this day.
My claim to fame was that I could throw a paycheck on the table. Big Deal!
Rock Bottom?? I've been worse, but it took what it took.
I opted for a better life and worked hard to get through life with a constant desire to obtain wealth and material possessions.
Through hard work and dedication I became an E.E. in the Automated Equipment field.
I had become somebody, so I thought. All while still drinking. Proves that I was different than everyone else that was an Alcoholic.
Then it hit me. I was a failure as a Husband and Father. It hit me so hard that my ears are still ringing to this day.
My claim to fame was that I could throw a paycheck on the table. Big Deal!
Rock Bottom?? I've been worse, but it took what it took.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: some where / no where
Posts: 1,019
Hello Paul,
Welcome to SR.
Like it's been said, we all choose our bottoms. Alcoholics come from all walks of life, and consume different amounts of alcohol. The common thread is a loss of control. If you have trouble stopping drinking after you start, then you might be an alcoholic.
If a desire to quit outweighs the desire to drink, some of us have a chance at quitting. For many of us, it takes severe defeat to get us to that point...so we keep drinking until we can't anymore.
For many of us, including myself, the thought of quitting forever is too much to bear. The "one day plan" is the way many of us stay sober. I can't commit to quitting forever...I just quit for today.
The tough thing is finding something to fill in the void once the alcohol is gone out of our lives. As you mentioned, it's a fun ritual. All the points you bring up about enjoying "happy hour" with your wife etc... are very valid. What do we do with ourselves when we don't drink? How do we have fun? Where does the serenity, peace, joy and fun come from?
For me, things only got better by getting active in my "recovery". In order to do this, I had to come to the conclusion that I needed to "recover". I had to surrender, turn my life over to God, and start getting active. This eventually filled the void in my life.
Here's a question for you: are you an alcoholic? I wouldn't expect you to post your answer, but it may be helpful for you to determine your course of action. If the answer is "yes", you could find that this simple admission of defeat is the cornerstone on which a beautiful new life can be built. If your answer is "no", I'm not sure what to say.
In any event, I'm glad you found us. I hope you find whatever you are looking for.
chip
Welcome to SR.
Like it's been said, we all choose our bottoms. Alcoholics come from all walks of life, and consume different amounts of alcohol. The common thread is a loss of control. If you have trouble stopping drinking after you start, then you might be an alcoholic.
If a desire to quit outweighs the desire to drink, some of us have a chance at quitting. For many of us, it takes severe defeat to get us to that point...so we keep drinking until we can't anymore.
For many of us, including myself, the thought of quitting forever is too much to bear. The "one day plan" is the way many of us stay sober. I can't commit to quitting forever...I just quit for today.
The tough thing is finding something to fill in the void once the alcohol is gone out of our lives. As you mentioned, it's a fun ritual. All the points you bring up about enjoying "happy hour" with your wife etc... are very valid. What do we do with ourselves when we don't drink? How do we have fun? Where does the serenity, peace, joy and fun come from?
For me, things only got better by getting active in my "recovery". In order to do this, I had to come to the conclusion that I needed to "recover". I had to surrender, turn my life over to God, and start getting active. This eventually filled the void in my life.
Here's a question for you: are you an alcoholic? I wouldn't expect you to post your answer, but it may be helpful for you to determine your course of action. If the answer is "yes", you could find that this simple admission of defeat is the cornerstone on which a beautiful new life can be built. If your answer is "no", I'm not sure what to say.
In any event, I'm glad you found us. I hope you find whatever you are looking for.
chip
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 64
This will probably sound like the biggest cliche ever but: you don't need alcohol to relax or have fun at all!
I worried about the same things when I was thinking about sobering up.
Turns out I feel a lot better and more comfortable in social settings without alcohol. I think the main reason is I can focus better on the company I'm with instead of focussing on whether I have enough to drink... And I'm a LOT more fun.
So what if you're moody the first 2 weeks or so, in the long run you'll feel a lot better.
And if your son comes to you and says "Dad, you mean you and I can't ever share a cold beer together again?!?!"......?
Tell him no but let him know you guys can still have fun.
I mean come on, there's a lot better stuff to do together
I worried about the same things when I was thinking about sobering up.
Turns out I feel a lot better and more comfortable in social settings without alcohol. I think the main reason is I can focus better on the company I'm with instead of focussing on whether I have enough to drink... And I'm a LOT more fun.
So what if you're moody the first 2 weeks or so, in the long run you'll feel a lot better.
And if your son comes to you and says "Dad, you mean you and I can't ever share a cold beer together again?!?!"......?
Tell him no but let him know you guys can still have fun.
I mean come on, there's a lot better stuff to do together
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Arizona
Posts: 872
Hey Paul...
Ken here, alcoholic and fitness nut.
Great first post, and very honest. Bottoms... I found my bottom when I decided to quit digging. For me, the elevator goes down as low as you want it to go... there are floors we can decide to jump off on, and as we let the elevator go even further, at some point we lose the choice, and our bottom comes when it comes. For some this means losing it all, for some this means dying drunk.
Posting on a recovery forum means you have some concern about your drinking. First thing I think would be to decide if you consider yourself an alcoholic. That's Step one. I guess I would beg to differ about your 'practicing the 12 steps' in life, as you cannot proceed to steps 2-12 without taking that first step 100%. Perhaps you are living within Christian principles, and that is cool -- just remember that God would rather have you filled with the Spirit than with wine (Eph 5:18)...
Regarding fun... you know, that comes with time. For me, my sobriety and recovery must come before everything. That in itself is sometimes fun! But, sure -- certain things change. I no longer have the luxury of hanging out and having a drink with my wife. I process alcohol differently than she does, and cannot stop at one (or sometimes with her, a half a glass).... that's life.
I guess bottom line is that it's all an inside job. My recovery - inside job. My relationship with God - inside job (and one that joyfully came AFTER my recovery began -- probably the biggest gift of my recovery!). How I process the world and what's going on around me - inside job. The gift is that our God can keep working on the inside -- especially without me trying to mess things up with my drinking. I try to do the footwork and leave the results to Him.
Hope that made some sense. It's 3:30AM and I am battling an insomniatic night -- please keep us posted on your progress, and let me know how I can help...
Ken
Ken here, alcoholic and fitness nut.
Great first post, and very honest. Bottoms... I found my bottom when I decided to quit digging. For me, the elevator goes down as low as you want it to go... there are floors we can decide to jump off on, and as we let the elevator go even further, at some point we lose the choice, and our bottom comes when it comes. For some this means losing it all, for some this means dying drunk.
Posting on a recovery forum means you have some concern about your drinking. First thing I think would be to decide if you consider yourself an alcoholic. That's Step one. I guess I would beg to differ about your 'practicing the 12 steps' in life, as you cannot proceed to steps 2-12 without taking that first step 100%. Perhaps you are living within Christian principles, and that is cool -- just remember that God would rather have you filled with the Spirit than with wine (Eph 5:18)...
Regarding fun... you know, that comes with time. For me, my sobriety and recovery must come before everything. That in itself is sometimes fun! But, sure -- certain things change. I no longer have the luxury of hanging out and having a drink with my wife. I process alcohol differently than she does, and cannot stop at one (or sometimes with her, a half a glass).... that's life.
I guess bottom line is that it's all an inside job. My recovery - inside job. My relationship with God - inside job (and one that joyfully came AFTER my recovery began -- probably the biggest gift of my recovery!). How I process the world and what's going on around me - inside job. The gift is that our God can keep working on the inside -- especially without me trying to mess things up with my drinking. I try to do the footwork and leave the results to Him.
Hope that made some sense. It's 3:30AM and I am battling an insomniatic night -- please keep us posted on your progress, and let me know how I can help...
Ken
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
Ken and I are on the same wavelength. My first thought upon reading your initial post was: What about the first step? "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable."
For me, alcohol effectively blocked any clear pathway to a power greater than myself. As much as I might want a god of my understanding in my life, until I admitted that I was an alcoholic, that I was powerless over the desire to substitute alcohol for those things I could and should be receiving naturally from my HP, and that granting alcohol HP status in my life ("I need it to relax, have fun, enjoy life") pushed away any help my HP could give to me in that regards, I could not recover just by being a good person (i.e., doing for others, "keeping my side of the street clean"). Many alcoholics are essentially good people who live on self-will rather than a HP's will.
Anyway, that's my two cents. Hopefully, you'll stick around and keep your story active so that you might receive a little support while you make your decisions. Face to face support in the form of AA meetings is also a really good idea. You don't sign any contract to attend X number of meetings when you walk in, so if you decide you don't want/need it, you don't have to go back. Contrary to urban legend, there are no AA police or membership enforcement officers
Peace & Love,
Sugah
For me, alcohol effectively blocked any clear pathway to a power greater than myself. As much as I might want a god of my understanding in my life, until I admitted that I was an alcoholic, that I was powerless over the desire to substitute alcohol for those things I could and should be receiving naturally from my HP, and that granting alcohol HP status in my life ("I need it to relax, have fun, enjoy life") pushed away any help my HP could give to me in that regards, I could not recover just by being a good person (i.e., doing for others, "keeping my side of the street clean"). Many alcoholics are essentially good people who live on self-will rather than a HP's will.
Anyway, that's my two cents. Hopefully, you'll stick around and keep your story active so that you might receive a little support while you make your decisions. Face to face support in the form of AA meetings is also a really good idea. You don't sign any contract to attend X number of meetings when you walk in, so if you decide you don't want/need it, you don't have to go back. Contrary to urban legend, there are no AA police or membership enforcement officers
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 410
Every bottom is different and personal to the drinker. I too have a wife that drinks every night... she'll start at 8 or 9 and have 3 - 5 drinks and stop. I can do that for maybe one night or two if really working hard, but then it's starting before dinner and having 10 or so by the time I sleep, and then it's starting at noon and having 14 - 16, and then it's starting in the morning and it's up to around 20... I've done it so many times it's just not worth trying to control it.
My point was that I still hang out and laugh and chill with my partner of 15 years, and it's better for me because I'm not forgetting the night or falling asleep during a movie or hockey game. I was a fun loving goofy drunk that liked to have fun, and I know she misses that some, but the benefits far outway the negatives and it took her some time to see that, but she does. I'm sure your wife will not mind if in time, she sees your happiness.
Best wishes
My point was that I still hang out and laugh and chill with my partner of 15 years, and it's better for me because I'm not forgetting the night or falling asleep during a movie or hockey game. I was a fun loving goofy drunk that liked to have fun, and I know she misses that some, but the benefits far outway the negatives and it took her some time to see that, but she does. I'm sure your wife will not mind if in time, she sees your happiness.
Best wishes
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 51
Day 8,
Just a quick jump back in, to acknowledge all the wonderful feedback.
It's pretty humbling to see all the people that took their time to direct specific questions and comments my way! Thank you so much BEST, Paulos, LmM, Carol, Pinkcuda,Chip,psyk0,Ken, Sugah & Rimmy!
Thanks for your input about what constitutes "reaching bottom". I especially like your analogy of an elevator Ken. Very well put!
As I posted on a separate thread, I have probably quit 10 times in the last 10 years. But, it was always with the sense that I had been "abusing" alcohol, and needed to dry out, thus leaving the door open to eventual "normal" drinking again.
This time it's different. I can honestly look back at the way I have used alcohol for the last 20 years (even when light, weekend 2-3 beer drinking only), and see that I have been using it to medicate away pain.
Yes, I, Paul am an alcoholic.
Now... on to the rest of my life!
Just a quick jump back in, to acknowledge all the wonderful feedback.
It's pretty humbling to see all the people that took their time to direct specific questions and comments my way! Thank you so much BEST, Paulos, LmM, Carol, Pinkcuda,Chip,psyk0,Ken, Sugah & Rimmy!
Thanks for your input about what constitutes "reaching bottom". I especially like your analogy of an elevator Ken. Very well put!
As I posted on a separate thread, I have probably quit 10 times in the last 10 years. But, it was always with the sense that I had been "abusing" alcohol, and needed to dry out, thus leaving the door open to eventual "normal" drinking again.
This time it's different. I can honestly look back at the way I have used alcohol for the last 20 years (even when light, weekend 2-3 beer drinking only), and see that I have been using it to medicate away pain.
Yes, I, Paul am an alcoholic.
Now... on to the rest of my life!
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Paul just stay willing to do what ever it takes to stay sober, getting sober is the easy part, I did it hundreds of times over the last 10 years of my drinking I found that the "My Way" program was a complete failure for me, be willing if need be to go to some sort of support group before you pick up a drink.
BTW congrats on day 8.
BTW congrats on day 8.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 19
Though you will find yourself well-advised on this board and encouraged to seek help and not take it on your own (as I have decided to do...) - I'll try to share just a little bit that has helped me get through my Monday-Thursday "sober weekdays"... as I've yet to make it through a weekend....
anyway, I try to drink something OTHER than alcohol. I've recently picked up on decaf. Iced tea with artificial sweetener (because it's hard enough to sleep already...) Plus, I find the "ritual" or "routine" of making the tea keeps me occupied and helps keep my mind of the desire.
As so many wise and helpful people have pointed out here, you gotta' do what works for you, but I just wanted to share this little idea, you never know... it might help someone.
anyway, I try to drink something OTHER than alcohol. I've recently picked up on decaf. Iced tea with artificial sweetener (because it's hard enough to sleep already...) Plus, I find the "ritual" or "routine" of making the tea keeps me occupied and helps keep my mind of the desire.
As so many wise and helpful people have pointed out here, you gotta' do what works for you, but I just wanted to share this little idea, you never know... it might help someone.
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
Hey, great to see your post. I can soooo lreate....I also loved the evening drink with my non alcoholic husband...it seemed to be the only time we actually communicated and I loved that first hour or so...I loved the ritual of buying the alcohol, deciding together, getting things 'done' before we opened a bottle of wine - bliss! HOWEVER, why I sought recovery in AA is that every time - and more and more near the end - I would OVERDO it...we'd be in mid-chat and I'd either pass out (drinkiing so fast - this happened 2-3 times a week and then excessively at the end of my drinking) or just turn nasty or just suddenly be drunk, or he'd have enough after us sharing a bottle - anyway, he could do it, I couldn't cause I couldn't just stop at moderate drinking. So I am unequivocably an alcoholic and I'm now in recovery and it's wonderful.
Please keep us posted,
Cathy31
x
Please keep us posted,
Cathy31
x
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
1) I'm usually more sullen and uptight (no serenity & joy...or fun) at the end of the day without a drink to chill and cheer. This wears on my wife.
3) I don't have any gutter drunk experiences/memories to scare me away.
Glad to see you identified yourself as an alkie. Now that you know the problem, you should know that there is a solution !
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