tiburon88

I'm at a point where I almost don't care anymore about sobriety. Obviously, a part of me does care because I am posting here. However, another part of me thinks that I will die a alcoholic/addict. I'm not suicidal but accept that death is a possibility every time I pick up. I say that because I have now started drinking alcohol with prescription pills (Valium,xanax, Norco, ect...)
I am blacking out and waking up in very dangerous neighborhoods. I tried attending a SMART recovery meeting but no one showed up. I have attended hundreds of AA meetings, had 3 sponsers and even tried "working the program." I really don't know what to do anymore. I have started taking my Antabuse again so I will get sick if I drink. My anti-depressant medication has been getting flushed out with all the booze I've been drinking. Getting drunk and high has become like a full time job to me. It takes time & effort to track down drugs and drink 24 beers in a day! I guess I'm seeking help from people who have struggled with AA for years & are now sober. Anyways thanks for reading.

Tiburon

tanyapmc

I went to my first meeting 22 years ago. I never wanted AA to be the answer. I was different than "those people". Now I am clean and sober for 15 months. I go to a meeting most days. I dove into the program this time. I was tired of my crappy way of living. My way obviously was not working. I finally decided to listen to someone else and do it her way. It is working.

Please be careful mixing booze with those pills. People die doing that.

sugErspun

I struggled with AA for 6 years before something clicked. I hated meetings, the steps made no sense, I kept getting drunk, the people pissed me off..I would go for a little while and then just stop going - it was pointless. I wasn't helping anyone, not even myself.

I just wanted to be normal and I felt anything but.

I was nearing a point of not knowing what to do, I didn't want to drink, but couldn't stop. I reached out one last time to someone I knew through AA who seemed reasonably happy with life.

I guess you could say I was willing to leave everything behind and do whatever anyone told me to do - I was done fighting, I was hopeless, detoxing, scared, in pain, sick sick sick.

I detoxed completely under the care of a doctor. I met up with some 'AA' guy and started talking with him, then we started reading the book. He never gave me rules to follow, never told me how many meetings to go to, what to say at meetings, none of it - he was offering his time and experience, nothing more.

I started to go through that book with him - it sounds really silly, but something happened and I was changed. Sentence by sentence- turning statements into questions to ask myself. Doing what the book said to do (pray, inventory, share inventory etc).

It works, it really does. I don't think you are an exception Tib. I really don't.

With all the chemicals you are putting into yourself- you probably are unable to think straight.

Any way you can get into a detox and be honest with the doctors?

tiburon88

I have perfected what I call Tiburon's Detox. It involves taking a multi-vitamin twice a day. I drink a gallon of water/gaterade. I eat toast, cottage cheese or veggies. My detox usually only lasts 2 days. I guess I'm lucky because I am fairly young and my body can take a lot of punishment. I have noticed that it gets a little worse each time though. My latest thing is to "doctor shop". I have a real back injury (herniated disk) but I milk it for all it's worth. I feel like I'm an Oscar award winner when dealing with doctors.
Believe it or not I was given a scipt for Vicodin once when the doctor knew I was extremely drunk. The danger is that I forget how many pills I have taken & realize that overdosing is a real possibility. I guess taking legal drugs makes me feel less of a addict.

Tiburon

chip

Hi Tiburon,
Well, I'm worried about you. Please be careful with the pills and the booze...it will kill you if you keep it up. I don't have any advice other than keep coming here to this site. I will say a prayer for you. Please keep trying. Sobriety isn't always fun, but it's better than dying an addict/alcoholic. We know from others that it does end in death. I hate seeing people die, but it happens. Please keep posting, reading, and trying...
chip

CarolD

I really think a medical de tox is vital for you.
Your way sounds too dangerous and
you say withdrawal is becoming worse.

You have struggled for years with your addictions.
Go get professional help.

tiburon88

I have struggled with addiction for about 8 years. I have been through "half way" houses, in-patient rehab, outpatient rehab, detoxes ect.... I feel like I am caught in a storm and there is no escaping. I am use to jails and institutions. Psych wards I can get Ativan whenever I want and alcohol/drug rehab I could probably teach the class. I have to admit that jail is not quite as relaxing. I have learned the jail code of conduct though. Many of my "AA friends" have given up on me. I would like to prove them wrong. I have always liked underdogs (Cubs fan). I hate being a alcoholic/drug addict. I don't think it's cool to be in recovery either. Addiction is a monster that refuses to let go.

Latte

I died when I mixed pills and booze. Thank God that my oldest daughter went next door and got my neighbor to give me CPR until the police could come with AED (Automatic External Defibulator). They restarted my heard and my neighbor breathed for me until the paramedics got there.

Medical detox was the only thing that worked for me. I will be 35 this year. My daughters almost lost their mother. That never has to happen again. I am so greatful for NA/AA and all the people who have gone before me.

You can do this. Make some calls and find a place to get well.

nandm

Tib, I truly wish you the best. I am sorry that you are finding sobriety and drinking to be such a struggle. From what I have read of your posts you have a good heart and truly want to stop the pain of alcoholism. This can be done. I was not able to stop drinking until I was able to be desperate enough to be willing to go to any lengths to find a solution to my problem. For me that meant working the steps of AA, learning how to apply the steps and principles in all aspects of my life, putting myself in the center of AA by doing service work (I have done everything from being a meeting secretary to GSR). I encourage you to keep trying. It is possible you have not yet found a recovery program that is one you can apply yourself to wholeheartedly. Sobriety does not have to be miserable and does nto have to be a struggle. I hope you are able to find a solution, some happiness, and peace. Take care.

BP44

Tib, I struggled with AA for 17 years. Two treatments in 91 and 93 and all they could do is give me a Big Book, 12 & 12, and a meditation book and tell me to go to AA. How disappointing!!!! For the money I spent I thought I should be fixed. AA's suggestions were too drastic. I still thought I had something to offer myself. I would stay sober for a period of time, 7 years the longest. But I had reservations on doing step work with a sponsor, and commitment to a home group. I wasn't really interested in being a member of AA. I didn't even know what that meant. I thought AA was an extension of the group therapy they offered in treatment, and I treated it as such. Just a place to dump garbage and fill up for a day. Particularly when things were rough. It was when I eventually came back after my last relapse that I got it. I put down the drink long before I came back to AA. Being in that place where I couldn't drink and knowing deep down inside that I would drink again if I didn't do something different. That is when I came back. And I got clean with AA. My sobriety as far as I was concerned started when I came back, even though I was 2 years away from my last drink. I was willing to do anything I was told, and go anywhere I was told to go as long as I didn't have to be me anymore. I came with an open mind and was willing to set aside anything I thought I knew about anything, especially spiritual matters. My sponsor and I started at the foreward and moved on from there. Word for word, it's our favorite activity. And I did the things the book asked me to do. If i wanted what my sponsor had, I needed to do what he did. I just celebrated my first year IN AA, with my home group, with my sponsor giving me my 1 year medallion. It took 17 years. Today, I am a member of Alcoholic's Anonymous in good standing. I am proud and grateful to be a member of the Cumming Group. I have a sponsor, a grand sponsor, and a great grand sponsor. I have heard all of their stories. I just recently got my first two sponsees who are about as willing as I was 17 years ago. The telephone appears to be a little heavy. That's okay, they need to have their turn. I sit in the chair across from my sponsor, and eventually someone will want it bad enough to sit in the chair across from me. If you have not gone through the book with a sponsor and done everything it asks you to do, my only suggestion is to start there without reservation.

warrens

Tib

I feel for you. I really do. And I can't add much to what has been said.

I did read something by a Dr. Tiebout recently-he was talking about "compliance."

You asked what to DO. Well, there are certainly things that you should do. You are in a most dangerous place.

But compliance by itself, going to a million meetings, etc can be an empty exercise unless you focus on what yo want to BE. I could go to hair styling school every day for a year and never be a hair stylist. I might know some stuff, but I don't want to BE a hairstylist. Sounds like you've acquired quite an education on how to be an addict.

If I WANT something and am willing to do anything to get it, I can do it. Even at age 60. I'm quite convinced that I could become an auto mechanic, biochemist, or pilot if I really wanted it.

Compliance isn't a map, Tib. It's just a lot of people pushing you in a direction. When people push it is our natural reaction to resist. That is the beauty of sugErspun's story. He was given an opportunity and he made it into a map. He discovered what he wanted to BE.

He wasn't just pushed along, he asked question-he interacted. Gained complete understanding. Mere compliance gives us no understanding. And you seem to not understand much right now. Please do not take that as a "put down." In the throes of active addiction, nothing makes sense. We are insane.

From one Cub fan to another, get help, Tib. The Cubs have never WANTED it. They make too much money being losers. I have no doubt that if they had focused on being champions, history would be different.

You can do it but you must WANT it. Visualize it. BE it, one day at a time.

Peace to you,

warren

Rimmy

Just because something seems so far from reach doesn't mean you don't care about it... it means you just don't think you can have it.

Sobriety is something you CAN have, but it takes work. First step is to admit that you do care about it (you posted here right) and take the steps. Probably starting with a detox to get you balanced and ready for the real work... to stay sober.

Don't think about it, just do it... mixing and matching pills and drinks is dangerous.

collinsmi

Went to my first meeting in 1983. I was coerced in, had one of those signature cards. Lasted about 3 months. Tried a little at first, then I just got sick of it. Got friends to sign those cards. Coerced in in 85, and again in 88. 85 lasted about a week, 88 almost a year. Got married in 88, had to save that! Again forced in in 93. Again, I "saw the light". Lasted almost 3 years. Sort of worked the steps. After a year and a half, my sponsor started making unpleasant comments about a "real" 4th step, but by this time I'd largely lost interest.

The last time I started drinking during my divorce. Every day it seemed there was another fresh disaster. Got a letter from my lawyer advising me to go back to AA for the sake of my custody battle, and ever being able to see my kids again. Went in again with big reservations, but really wore out and afraid. Got a sponsor who insisted on a lot of work for each step. Been 11 years since then.

Ananda

Rimmy - that was me, I wanted desperately to be sober again....just didn't think I could.

Once I began to think I might make it....things changed.

Cathy31

hey tib
well i faked it til i made it - just kept going to meetings - AND drinking and then something clicked! You can do it, but it take effort and ACTION. Just do it! Do it for a month and see how yu feel - if still not working - daily meetings , connecting with ppl, sharing then you can hurtle headlong into slow suicide - but it will work if you work it. That IS true.
Cathy31
x

Barto

Tib,

I don’t think it is that you don’t care about sobriety. I think you are afraid of it. The book refers to those who want to want to stop. I don’t think you really want to stop. Even tough you’ve hit some low bottoms; it appears you haven’t had enough. Some part of you – a larger part of you – still thinks that being drunk is better than being sober. Unfortunately, if you keep going, you may never know that this is not true. In this context, I wish you desperation. I’m not judging you. I’ve been reading your posts, and I’m telling you the way I see it the best way I can.

Music

It's about time you stop thinking of yourself as being a lost cause. It's self-defeating. I've never seen anyone who was honestly working the AA program and who actually wanted to never take another drink, fail!! Now, before you get pi$$ed off and acuse me of picking on you, re-read the previous sentence. Notice I said "honestly" and "wanted to never take another drink." You don't ever have to take another drink or drug but you DO have to do whatever it takes to avoid drinking or druging. If you drank again it's because you wanted to and made a choice to drink. Stop thinking of yourself as a loser and develope some faith that with help you can achieve sobriety, then start looking for things about being sober to be happy and grateful about.

caraway

As someone who has attended hundreds of AA meetings without 'getting it' I feel I should try and share some of my experience – for what its worth.
Several years ago I managed to get 2 years sobriety with the help of a sponsor and the steps. What got me back to AA that time was like a sudden sort of 'mental breakdown' or an 'awakening' of some sort – a bit of both I think.(At that time I was an every evening drinker) Although I went out drinking again after that, it was like a beginning of a journey for me. Beforehand I felt powerless, I remember thinking that if I could just see my boys to university and independence, then I was free to die, so I just hoped that I could make it that long.
One day, after a 'series of events' I suddenly realised that I should think more of myself than to treat myself like this. Like many people, I believe, I was brought up to think of other people and that to be selfish was very bad. Of course alcoholism is very selfish, but what I realised then was that I needed to look after myself. Ok that sounds about as meaningful as me saying I realised I had to take a vitamin supplement. But it felt very profound at the time and I wish I could really put it into words. I was never a religious person so it was a very unusual thing for me to do but I like fell to my knees crying with the realisation of what I'd been doing all my life – to myself. (Ok it effected the people around me too, but it was me I had to change.) I was quite keen on the spiritual side of AA but was frightened to put my faith in god – I didn't know what 'god' would do to me – I didn't trust 'god'. But this was like the beginning for me.
So, after 2 years I started drinking again, went back to AA, started drinking again. Got married, found a job, drinking on and off – binge drinking mostly.
I've gone back to AA (with the encouragement of the good folks on SR!) and am doing the steps again. What got me back this time? Its partly due to what I learned in AA those years back reading of peoples ES&H on SR and that I'm 52 now and too tired for the incredible binges anymore! I really do like my life now so its worth staying sober for. I appreciate what I've got now – having learnt from AA the importance of gratitude. Those years ago at AA I learnt lots of other things too. It takes a while to learn how to put them into practice. I'm over 3 months sober now and one of the things I'm practicing is not thinking about drinking. Well, if I do think about it I make sure that I remember how bad it was. Before when I stopped drinking, I sort of mourned the loss of it. Watching people on tv drinking, I'd start fantasising about how nice it would be to sit in the warm sun with some wine etc etc. Now I remember how if I did that I would end in oblivion and I also realise that I can sit out in the sun without wine and enjoy it. Thats the new thought – I can enjoy things without wine! The other day I was watching some people in a soap on tv sat round a table drinking. One of them had orange juice. My first thought was 'that orange juice looks delicious and refreshing - I'd like some'. This is a biggy for me as it means that the practice of thinking right is working.
Sorry this is a bit wordy – s'pose I could have said I stopped when I'd had enough but in real life its not really as clean cut as that.
Another thing I've learnt is that I'm really not alone! Someone else has termed it 'terminal uniqueness' – now I know that I am not the only one suffering from this isolating complaint.
You come across as such a nice, likeable person and your post really 'got to me'. By the way another thing – if you manage to get back to AA, another very important thing for me was to find a sponsor that suits me and my personality – they're less likely to pi** you off if nothing else! (Of course tolerance is something else I have learnt through AA!)

stone

That struck a chord with me Caraway, maybe it does with you Tib? Sounds like it might?

After 6 months sobriety I have had lots of little binges since January, the first of them I enjoyed and had little negative consequences from...the last few I didnt enjoy and are just hurting me physically and mentally. I feel better when I dont drink, if I could drink with no negative consequences...I would drink.

At nearly 40 I can feel death as a reality now, I want to try and enjoy the rest of my life. When I was drinking heavily (before the 6 months sober) I didnt care if I lived or died, I even liked the fact that I was drinking myself to death...that just aint right.

As for AA or anything else that might help...nothing will help until something changes in you and you want to quit. I think that has happened to me, I hope so anyway and I hope it happens for you Tib.

LosingmyMisery

I didn't care either. I thought it would be easier to just die. Did I want to die? The answer is no. I just didn't know how to get to where I needed to be. The closer I got to dying, the more I wanted to live. Never give up. There is always hope.