I Don't Care About Sobriety
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 773
I will take the steps. I heard some people have to write out their 1st step on paper. That is scary to me. Sobriety is scary as well. I am use to the pain in being an alcoholic. It is what I am familiar with and I suspect others who post at this site. I have a guy who I call frequently. He wants me to call every day though. I find this a bit much. I am really giving AA another try.
My life is completely unmanagable.
My life is completely unmanagable.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Righthere, Rightnow
Posts: 1,424
Hey Tib, I'm glad to hear it.
A few thoughts:
What can a daily call to someone hurt? At worst, you may have a new friend with whom you can share.
As far as writing out the First Step, I’m not a believer in it – unless you are having trouble admitting “powerlessness,” and “unmanageability,” and writing helps you to see things more clearly. The same goes for Step Two.
Chapter Five, covers precisely how the first members of AA took Steps Three and four. In my opinion, your sponsor (if you choose to get one, and I recommend it) should know the book fairly well. But even now, we may be getting ahead of ourselves. I really think “first things first” and “one day at a time” are words to live by.
Regarding Step One: (1) Are you powerless over alcohol? (When you drink do you lose control over your drinking and / or actions? Have you been able to “stay” stopped on your own after deciding to quit?) (2) Has your life become unmanageable? Are you able to manage your affairs with relative peace and ease. Are you content with the way things have been going for you in your life? Do you want to continue on the way you have been? It is really pretty simple, but Step One requires concession to our inner most selves that we [are] alcoholic. I believe I have been defeated despite a good fight.
I know what I think your answers to these questions should be by reading your posts, but you have to answer them for yourself. That’s really all there is to it. (And you’ve already admitted unmanageability above.)
Step Two. Pay attention to the word “could” in that it “may be possible” that “some higher power” “may” be able to restore you to sanity concerning drinking. The higher power can be the group consciousness, whatever, as long as it makes sense to you. I’d like to say, look and listen to those in meetings that you think may have once had similar problems with alcohol, but seem to have found a solution (with regard to drinking). Try not to look at their character defects – the issue is whether or not they are sober and relatively comfortable with themselves. Does it appear by their sharing that they are better off than they were before? It’s about progress, not perfection. And it is not about the majority in the meeting; have one or two members been restored to sanity (regarding drinking).
I am hesitant to post this link because it has nothing to do with AA whatsoever. It has to do with mental illness, and I thought you might find it interesting. If it bothers you in the least, disregard it. If it doesn’t apply to you, disregard it. Sobriety, "freedom from alcohol," is much more important now. I will tell you that I take medication that is prescribed for OCD. I have been diagnosed with another problem, but the medication is often prescribed for OCD. That’s why I find this article interesting. But like I said, file it away, or just toss it, if you find it the least bit annoying or disruptive to the thought of sobriety.
Caffeine damages physical and mental health
What can a daily call to someone hurt? At worst, you may have a new friend with whom you can share.
As far as writing out the First Step, I’m not a believer in it – unless you are having trouble admitting “powerlessness,” and “unmanageability,” and writing helps you to see things more clearly. The same goes for Step Two.
Chapter Five, covers precisely how the first members of AA took Steps Three and four. In my opinion, your sponsor (if you choose to get one, and I recommend it) should know the book fairly well. But even now, we may be getting ahead of ourselves. I really think “first things first” and “one day at a time” are words to live by.
Regarding Step One: (1) Are you powerless over alcohol? (When you drink do you lose control over your drinking and / or actions? Have you been able to “stay” stopped on your own after deciding to quit?) (2) Has your life become unmanageable? Are you able to manage your affairs with relative peace and ease. Are you content with the way things have been going for you in your life? Do you want to continue on the way you have been? It is really pretty simple, but Step One requires concession to our inner most selves that we [are] alcoholic. I believe I have been defeated despite a good fight.
I know what I think your answers to these questions should be by reading your posts, but you have to answer them for yourself. That’s really all there is to it. (And you’ve already admitted unmanageability above.)
Step Two. Pay attention to the word “could” in that it “may be possible” that “some higher power” “may” be able to restore you to sanity concerning drinking. The higher power can be the group consciousness, whatever, as long as it makes sense to you. I’d like to say, look and listen to those in meetings that you think may have once had similar problems with alcohol, but seem to have found a solution (with regard to drinking). Try not to look at their character defects – the issue is whether or not they are sober and relatively comfortable with themselves. Does it appear by their sharing that they are better off than they were before? It’s about progress, not perfection. And it is not about the majority in the meeting; have one or two members been restored to sanity (regarding drinking).
I am hesitant to post this link because it has nothing to do with AA whatsoever. It has to do with mental illness, and I thought you might find it interesting. If it bothers you in the least, disregard it. If it doesn’t apply to you, disregard it. Sobriety, "freedom from alcohol," is much more important now. I will tell you that I take medication that is prescribed for OCD. I have been diagnosed with another problem, but the medication is often prescribed for OCD. That’s why I find this article interesting. But like I said, file it away, or just toss it, if you find it the least bit annoying or disruptive to the thought of sobriety.
Caffeine damages physical and mental health
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Plymouth, MN
Posts: 960
Originally Posted by tiburon88 
I was looking into working in restaurants again. I was a good waiter and loved to handle alcohol all day. At least I'm honest when I say I'm sober today because I'm broke. Maybe I don't have the willingness to quit drinking. I apologize for wasting everyones time then. An "old timer" once told me I have every right to drink but then I don't have the right to complain about the consequences. I think I continue to relapse because I still get some benefit from drinking. It brings me some peace. I enjoy shooting pool in a run down bar better than an AA meeting. I've met many fine people in bars. I feel "normal" drinking beer all day in a cheap bar. That's the magic of alcohol and why I am a chronic alcoholic.
Tiburon
Tiburon
Another Long Rookie Thread...
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 76
Tiburon, I relate to your quandary 100%. About two years ago I had 18 months of sobriety (but very little recovery/AA). I'd cleaned up all of my past financial and relationship issues and was as happy as I'd every been. My life was easy, and it was great. I had everything. But each day I still had to decide every morning whether or not I wanted to drink--the obsession got milder but never went away.
Finally, I decided what you more or less said in your original post. My life's great, but I don't care about being sober because it's too hard, too boring, etc. I'd rather drink and deal with the consequences than be sober. At that point, I thought I could fix anything because I had money, a great job, a great fiancee, was in grad school, etc.
It only took me about a year to lose everything but the job; I honestly think I'd have killed myself if I lost my job, because having it is the only way I can sleep at night after pissing away so much money over the past year.
I keep struggling with this decision every day even though I have a good program in AA. I've still relapsed, badly, even after everything I've lost over the past year. Like you, I'm figuring out some mental health issues. I've finally realized that no matter how miserable I think I am sober, no matter how much I want a drink, life without drinking is better and will only get better. I'm tired of cleaning up messes, and I know if I do what it takes to not drink one day at a time everything will continue to improve.
This is just a long way of saying I relate, I have hope for you, and good luck. I finally did 90 AA meetings in 90 days (almost) after my last bender in December. I just stop taking antabuse when I want to drink, so it alone isn't enough for me. I finally felt I had no choice but to go to a meeting every day; if I didn't, I really thought I would die. I hated going to meetings every day, but I didn't drink, and now it's habit and I've made some good friends that keep me coming back. I'm still angry about my chronic relapses that have cost me so much, I hate the fact it's taken 10 years to quit drinking after so many catastrophic consequences, but that anger fades each day I get through sober.
Take care and don't think too much--just do what it takes to stay sober.
Matt
Finally, I decided what you more or less said in your original post. My life's great, but I don't care about being sober because it's too hard, too boring, etc. I'd rather drink and deal with the consequences than be sober. At that point, I thought I could fix anything because I had money, a great job, a great fiancee, was in grad school, etc.
It only took me about a year to lose everything but the job; I honestly think I'd have killed myself if I lost my job, because having it is the only way I can sleep at night after pissing away so much money over the past year.
I keep struggling with this decision every day even though I have a good program in AA. I've still relapsed, badly, even after everything I've lost over the past year. Like you, I'm figuring out some mental health issues. I've finally realized that no matter how miserable I think I am sober, no matter how much I want a drink, life without drinking is better and will only get better. I'm tired of cleaning up messes, and I know if I do what it takes to not drink one day at a time everything will continue to improve.
This is just a long way of saying I relate, I have hope for you, and good luck. I finally did 90 AA meetings in 90 days (almost) after my last bender in December. I just stop taking antabuse when I want to drink, so it alone isn't enough for me. I finally felt I had no choice but to go to a meeting every day; if I didn't, I really thought I would die. I hated going to meetings every day, but I didn't drink, and now it's habit and I've made some good friends that keep me coming back. I'm still angry about my chronic relapses that have cost me so much, I hate the fact it's taken 10 years to quit drinking after so many catastrophic consequences, but that anger fades each day I get through sober.
Take care and don't think too much--just do what it takes to stay sober.
Matt
Tib, Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
Tib
While I think you realize what is best for you, I'm not sure you are ready yet.
I think for some, there is no "bottom." I remember reading of the survivors of Auschwitz, Dachau, et. When the camps were liberated, many could not handle it. They had "learned" how to live an horrific, but predictable existence. The concept of being "free" was so foreign that they were unable to comprehend it.
Thus too, the concept of sobriety can be more than scary. As a lifelong educator, one of the few things I know to be true is that people always learn. You cannot prevent someone from learning. Some learn to be gang thugs, some learn how to make meth, some learn how to survive in prison, some learn how to be movie stars.
It's all the same thing. And we become skilled and comfortable in roles that others cannot comprehend.
I'm an old Chicago street kid. I could go literally anywhere and survive. Now I live in the wilderness and have learned to survive in a place that makes others shake their head.
You too, seem to have acquired the skills to live in a way that others can't. One day in jail would quite literally make me insane.
The only way to become sane and alcohol (drug) free is to face our fear. To completely shed our skin of what is familiar and predictable. Anyone who becomes a parent for the first time knows that feeling only too well, or one diagnosed with a serious disease. In time most acquire the skill to be successful in a completely foreign land. You must as well. You must accept that. Just like you cannot live in Africa with your Chicago skills, you cannot live sober with your old self. Can't be done.
Fortunately there are guides on how to go from being a stranger in a strange land to a successful and skilled one. AA is one. This place is another. Don't expect to get on a plane and get off a "native." Learn from those who have made the transition successfully. Also learn from those who haven't. Above all acquire the desire, for without it, you remain a prisoner who is managed by his environment.
There are liberators here and in AA. Take it easy, take it slow, but take it and you can become free.
warren
While I think you realize what is best for you, I'm not sure you are ready yet.
[I will take the steps. I heard some people have to write out their 1st step on paper. That is scary to me. Sobriety is scary as well. I am use to the pain in being an alcoholic. It is what I am familiar with and I suspect others who post at this site.]
Thus too, the concept of sobriety can be more than scary. As a lifelong educator, one of the few things I know to be true is that people always learn. You cannot prevent someone from learning. Some learn to be gang thugs, some learn how to make meth, some learn how to survive in prison, some learn how to be movie stars.
It's all the same thing. And we become skilled and comfortable in roles that others cannot comprehend.
I'm an old Chicago street kid. I could go literally anywhere and survive. Now I live in the wilderness and have learned to survive in a place that makes others shake their head.
You too, seem to have acquired the skills to live in a way that others can't. One day in jail would quite literally make me insane.
The only way to become sane and alcohol (drug) free is to face our fear. To completely shed our skin of what is familiar and predictable. Anyone who becomes a parent for the first time knows that feeling only too well, or one diagnosed with a serious disease. In time most acquire the skill to be successful in a completely foreign land. You must as well. You must accept that. Just like you cannot live in Africa with your Chicago skills, you cannot live sober with your old self. Can't be done.
Fortunately there are guides on how to go from being a stranger in a strange land to a successful and skilled one. AA is one. This place is another. Don't expect to get on a plane and get off a "native." Learn from those who have made the transition successfully. Also learn from those who haven't. Above all acquire the desire, for without it, you remain a prisoner who is managed by his environment.
There are liberators here and in AA. Take it easy, take it slow, but take it and you can become free.
warren
Last edited by warrens; 04-13-2008 at 12:39 PM.
Today's Muse
Join Date: May 2007
Location: West end
Posts: 1,081
The idea of sobriety is scary because it is not the norm for us. However, it can become the new norm. It takes time to feel comfortable in sobriety. Not once have I ever regretted my sober life. I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 773
Warrens,
Thanks for the post it made a lot of sense. Some people have death as their bottoms I guess. I have become use to a certain kind of misery. I have to remember that I had 10 months of sobriety before. I think I can do it again. I grew up on the streets of Chicago as well. I stayed away from the gangs though. I think to be a good addict you need to have good people skills. I've been a "people pleaser" my whole life.
Tiburon
Thanks for the post it made a lot of sense. Some people have death as their bottoms I guess. I have become use to a certain kind of misery. I have to remember that I had 10 months of sobriety before. I think I can do it again. I grew up on the streets of Chicago as well. I stayed away from the gangs though. I think to be a good addict you need to have good people skills. I've been a "people pleaser" my whole life.
Tiburon
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Tib I really wish I could share some Experience with you today, but I can't and it breaks my heart.
I wish I could hand you my 40 years of drinking, I have a feeling that you would have a good grasp of why I have not relapsed and why I embraced the program with every ounce of my being, I was on a sinking ship that was going down fast.
I wish I could hand you that moment of clarity I had when I saw everything I held dea in life gone in less then a year and the only thing I had left in my future was a slow death from alcoholism, that was what brought me back from the edge of the abyss.
Tib I know we have butted heads in the past, I have a strong feeling that the reason behind that is in ways I see me in you and we butted heads because I was trying to help me 25 years ago.
Tib listen to those with the experience of in and out of the rooms, those who have experience of relapse after relapse, I can only share my relapses from 10 years of trying to work the "My Way" program which I have found to have a 100% failure rate. Listen to those who have found recovery after riding the relapse wagon.
I really do care for you Tib and I know one day if you give in entirely to AA or another program you can find long term sobriety.
I wish I could hand you my 40 years of drinking, I have a feeling that you would have a good grasp of why I have not relapsed and why I embraced the program with every ounce of my being, I was on a sinking ship that was going down fast.
I wish I could hand you that moment of clarity I had when I saw everything I held dea in life gone in less then a year and the only thing I had left in my future was a slow death from alcoholism, that was what brought me back from the edge of the abyss.
Tib I know we have butted heads in the past, I have a strong feeling that the reason behind that is in ways I see me in you and we butted heads because I was trying to help me 25 years ago.
Tib listen to those with the experience of in and out of the rooms, those who have experience of relapse after relapse, I can only share my relapses from 10 years of trying to work the "My Way" program which I have found to have a 100% failure rate. Listen to those who have found recovery after riding the relapse wagon.
I really do care for you Tib and I know one day if you give in entirely to AA or another program you can find long term sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
Tib, I've heard this in the rooms:
"The only alcoholics that die are the ones that don't want to".
I couldn't drink myself to death, and God knows I tried. I came to the horrid realization that the living Hell I was in would continue possibly another 20 years.......
"The only alcoholics that die are the ones that don't want to".
I couldn't drink myself to death, and God knows I tried. I came to the horrid realization that the living Hell I was in would continue possibly another 20 years.......
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 773
Thanks everyone for their comments. It seemed to help a bit. I'm past the detox part and feeling a little better. I'm having less cravings and I think the Naltrexone is helping. I seem to be having a lot of people from my past contacting me. I don't think communicating with ex-girlfriends is what I need right now. I need to put 75% into recovery. Just kidding folks. 
Tiburon=Shark
Tiburon=Shark
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
