Looking for feedback from those who know...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Toronto
Posts: 138
Looking for feedback from those who know...
I usually post in Friends and Family but I am looking for feedback specifically from those who are currently active and those who are in A recovery.
My husband (dry and trying to work a program) and I had our 15th anniversary last in March and my husband has been desparately trying to buy me a piece of jewelry to commemorate the event as part of making amends and I have been desparately trying to avoid his jesture. Last weekend I explained to my husband that I don't feel right about accepting this piece of jewelry at this time because I don't know if I want to be with him anymore which was no surprise to him since we have discussed this in the past. FYI, about 1 yr ago I gave him the quit or get out speech. I am still here and he is not drinking but as you all know the codependent can be just as sick. I have been in Al Anon for a yr and doing much better today.
As a result of what he felt - rejection, he pulled some unacceptable antics with my middle daughter. He decided to show his hurt to her buy crying in front of her; big tears, red face and all. I don't know what word were exchanged but he tends to surreptitiously get sympathy from her whenever he feels 'weak". As you can imagine, this wreaks havoc on 11 year old girl.
The next morning I got an apology email saying that he was having a weak moment. My reply was that everyone one has weak moments and that is nothing to apologize for however his behaviour toward the child was unacceptable. I told him that I was now ready to have a realistic and honest discussion about the future of our marriage.
He called and we talked. I basically told him that my feelings for him have been long gone and I don't think they are coming back. He rejected that as an option and offered more AA meetings, more therapy - a psychiatrist for marital counselling and just more everything. I explained that I promised him last year that I would go with him to see the psychiatrist and that I would still go but I don't think there is a pill that will reinstate feelings.
Since that discussion he calls me every 45 mins, sends me multiple emails and seems to want to give me kisses on the forehead. I feel badly for him because I know he realizes that he is about to lose a lot. I told him to stop yesterday that it wasn't helping the situation so he has backed off the kissing at least.
I somehow feel that he has given up the drinking and has made me his new obsession. I don't get it. I just finish telling him that I don't have feelings of love for him and I don't ever see them coming back and he just keeps laying it on thicker and thicker??? He is trying to find me a new sponsor, trying to do all sorts of things for me. It's all about saving the relationship for him instead of it being about HIM.
I look forward to your feedback!
tx
My husband (dry and trying to work a program) and I had our 15th anniversary last in March and my husband has been desparately trying to buy me a piece of jewelry to commemorate the event as part of making amends and I have been desparately trying to avoid his jesture. Last weekend I explained to my husband that I don't feel right about accepting this piece of jewelry at this time because I don't know if I want to be with him anymore which was no surprise to him since we have discussed this in the past. FYI, about 1 yr ago I gave him the quit or get out speech. I am still here and he is not drinking but as you all know the codependent can be just as sick. I have been in Al Anon for a yr and doing much better today.
As a result of what he felt - rejection, he pulled some unacceptable antics with my middle daughter. He decided to show his hurt to her buy crying in front of her; big tears, red face and all. I don't know what word were exchanged but he tends to surreptitiously get sympathy from her whenever he feels 'weak". As you can imagine, this wreaks havoc on 11 year old girl.
The next morning I got an apology email saying that he was having a weak moment. My reply was that everyone one has weak moments and that is nothing to apologize for however his behaviour toward the child was unacceptable. I told him that I was now ready to have a realistic and honest discussion about the future of our marriage.
He called and we talked. I basically told him that my feelings for him have been long gone and I don't think they are coming back. He rejected that as an option and offered more AA meetings, more therapy - a psychiatrist for marital counselling and just more everything. I explained that I promised him last year that I would go with him to see the psychiatrist and that I would still go but I don't think there is a pill that will reinstate feelings.
Since that discussion he calls me every 45 mins, sends me multiple emails and seems to want to give me kisses on the forehead. I feel badly for him because I know he realizes that he is about to lose a lot. I told him to stop yesterday that it wasn't helping the situation so he has backed off the kissing at least.
I somehow feel that he has given up the drinking and has made me his new obsession. I don't get it. I just finish telling him that I don't have feelings of love for him and I don't ever see them coming back and he just keeps laying it on thicker and thicker??? He is trying to find me a new sponsor, trying to do all sorts of things for me. It's all about saving the relationship for him instead of it being about HIM.
I look forward to your feedback!
tx
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by CoDeependentMe 
He called and we talked. I basically told him that my feelings for him have been long gone and I don't think they are coming back. He rejected that as an option and offered more AA meetings, more therapy - a psychiatrist for marital counselling and just more everything. I explained that I promised him last year that I would go with him to see the psychiatrist and that I would still go but I don't think there is a pill that will reinstate feelings.
Since that discussion he calls me every 45 mins, sends me multiple emails and seems to want to give me kisses on the forehead. I feel badly for him because I know he realizes that he is about to lose a lot. I told him to stop yesterday that it wasn't helping the situation so he has backed off the kissing at least.
I somehow feel that he has given up the drinking and has made me his new obsession. I don't get it. I just finish telling him that I don't have feelings of love for him and I don't ever see them coming back and he just keeps laying it on thicker and thicker??? He is trying to find me a new sponsor, trying to do all sorts of things for me. It's all about saving the relationship for him instead of it being about HIM.
I look forward to your feedback!
tx
Since that discussion he calls me every 45 mins, sends me multiple emails and seems to want to give me kisses on the forehead. I feel badly for him because I know he realizes that he is about to lose a lot. I told him to stop yesterday that it wasn't helping the situation so he has backed off the kissing at least.
I somehow feel that he has given up the drinking and has made me his new obsession. I don't get it. I just finish telling him that I don't have feelings of love for him and I don't ever see them coming back and he just keeps laying it on thicker and thicker??? He is trying to find me a new sponsor, trying to do all sorts of things for me. It's all about saving the relationship for him instead of it being about HIM.
I look forward to your feedback!
tx
Today, I'm going to work very hard on keeping the focus just on me, that should keep me busy for a very long time!
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by CoDeependentMe
there is a pill that will reinstate feelings.
Us guys need to learn a few things and one thing that I learned that helped me in so many areas...
Women need more time then men to see that our actions are real and can be trusted. A lot more time.
Guys tend to say it and do it... expect and accept that when we start we will finish. Why don't women understand?
Because they are women not guys.
His proper actions...over time... will have things settle down for you both.
How much time? 2 weeks? 2 months? 2 years?
It doesn't matter... how ever much time you need...he needs realize that he must give you that time and he just continues his proper actions for the long haul. (even past the time you need)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,697
IMO (I think that is what you are asking for)
I was dry and going to AA meetings for other people for years. Trying to win approval, salvage relationships etc, inevitable this led to drinking again and pulling the whole thing down with me (what I perceived as 'accomplishments' in sobriety - new car, job, girl, money, physical health--) Buying a ring as ammends doesn't make much sense to me unless he had stolen or lost a ring of yours in the past and is fixing the harm done (this comes at the 9th step).
Does he have a sponsor?
What step is he on?
How long has he been sober?
Self pity like you describe should be long gone if he is truly is the process of making ammends. Looks like buying that ring and 'setting himself up' just continues to let him be a victim of alcoholism rather than a person who suffers from alcoholism - there is a difference.
I am not going to try to get to him by posting to you (that means, I don't think this post should come across as ammunition for you to use against his problem/program/lack of program).
Like it is said - this is an illness that involves and affects those around it like no other. Sounds like he is 'working a program' to receive rather than let go. If he is truly an alcoholic, he is very ill - doesn't mean you need to continue to suffer from his disease.
The part about finding another sponsor 'for you' - leads me to think that his motives for getting sober are anything other than actually getting sober.
Just my opinion, do with it as you like (which includes ignoring it completely).
I was dry and going to AA meetings for other people for years. Trying to win approval, salvage relationships etc, inevitable this led to drinking again and pulling the whole thing down with me (what I perceived as 'accomplishments' in sobriety - new car, job, girl, money, physical health--) Buying a ring as ammends doesn't make much sense to me unless he had stolen or lost a ring of yours in the past and is fixing the harm done (this comes at the 9th step).
Does he have a sponsor?
What step is he on?
How long has he been sober?
Self pity like you describe should be long gone if he is truly is the process of making ammends. Looks like buying that ring and 'setting himself up' just continues to let him be a victim of alcoholism rather than a person who suffers from alcoholism - there is a difference.
I am not going to try to get to him by posting to you (that means, I don't think this post should come across as ammunition for you to use against his problem/program/lack of program).
Like it is said - this is an illness that involves and affects those around it like no other. Sounds like he is 'working a program' to receive rather than let go. If he is truly an alcoholic, he is very ill - doesn't mean you need to continue to suffer from his disease.
The part about finding another sponsor 'for you' - leads me to think that his motives for getting sober are anything other than actually getting sober.
Just my opinion, do with it as you like (which includes ignoring it completely).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Toronto
Posts: 138
Originally Posted by best
There is a pill. It comes in the form of proper actions, over time.
I don't resent him or my life any more regardless of how I chose to live it by accepting his behaviour. I do want the best for him. The healthier we all are the better we will all be. But my feelings for him are strickly platonic now.
Back to my question, though...does it sound like I have become his new obession??
tx
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
CDM
Giving you advice would be malfeasance at the very least and malpractice at best. You and he face some very complex and difficult stuff and I the two of you must be responsible for its "resolution." The painful part of such issues is that resolution is never easy nor is it likely to be completely satisfying in the present.
What I will give you is some wisdom I've (the alcoholic) gained. It was an "Aha!" moment early on in my recovery, when things looked very grim for M'lady and I.
I was writing. Here. And suddenly words appeared on the screen that I had no intention of writing. They evolved out of pain and by the time I'd written them I was at peace. Seemed like a nanosecond. They have guided me since.
I wrote: "When we become lovable, then will we be loved." Cool. But then there was more. "While we will be loved, we can never CHOOSE who will love us."
While it gave me something to strive for, it relieved me of alcoholic hallucinations I might have that I can play with god and his will. It made some very complex stuff very simple indeed. All I can do is "grow myself." That's it. And I will grow the serenity necessary to accept whatever god decides. I accept that there will be things beyond my control or understanding. That's why god is lower case for me. It's a symbol to me that I may never comprehend all that. I do know that if I can accept it, I will be sober, if I cannot, I will be sick. Simple.
I wish the best for you and your family. All will be well in the long run.
warren
Giving you advice would be malfeasance at the very least and malpractice at best. You and he face some very complex and difficult stuff and I the two of you must be responsible for its "resolution." The painful part of such issues is that resolution is never easy nor is it likely to be completely satisfying in the present.
What I will give you is some wisdom I've (the alcoholic) gained. It was an "Aha!" moment early on in my recovery, when things looked very grim for M'lady and I.
I was writing. Here. And suddenly words appeared on the screen that I had no intention of writing. They evolved out of pain and by the time I'd written them I was at peace. Seemed like a nanosecond. They have guided me since.
I wrote: "When we become lovable, then will we be loved." Cool. But then there was more. "While we will be loved, we can never CHOOSE who will love us."
While it gave me something to strive for, it relieved me of alcoholic hallucinations I might have that I can play with god and his will. It made some very complex stuff very simple indeed. All I can do is "grow myself." That's it. And I will grow the serenity necessary to accept whatever god decides. I accept that there will be things beyond my control or understanding. That's why god is lower case for me. It's a symbol to me that I may never comprehend all that. I do know that if I can accept it, I will be sober, if I cannot, I will be sick. Simple.
I wish the best for you and your family. All will be well in the long run.
warren
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
"While we will be loved, we can never CHOOSE who will love us."
I love this Warren. Although it often comes out with a nasty edge for me, I have to remember that other people have the right to decide they don't want to have a relationship with me, and others have a right to make stupid decisions. (harsh, but if I'm in pain and fear that is often the best start I can make!)
I love this Warren. Although it often comes out with a nasty edge for me, I have to remember that other people have the right to decide they don't want to have a relationship with me, and others have a right to make stupid decisions. (harsh, but if I'm in pain and fear that is often the best start I can make!)
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
You know CoDeependtMe I have read this thread and pondered a reply since you first posted it, I try very hard to speak from expereince which is what I have seen shared so far.
I can understand you seeking an answer to your delima, but I was one of the lucky ones who's spouse found a path to forgiveness for me that allowed her to let her love lost for me to return, so I have no experience to share.
The best advice I can give you that does reflect my experience on my recovery is that when I first got sober I had no idea if my marriage would survive the wreckage I had brought to it or not, the only thing I knew is I had to work on my recovery and the rest I put into Gods hands, let the chips fall where they may.
I still loved my wife, but I had to be aware that she may decide to move on with her life with out me, and if she did I could not hang my recovery on her staying with me. I let her know that, I let her know that I had to put my sobriety ahead of her, she understood and early on told me I was doing the right thing because she did not know if she was going to be able to stay with me and still be able to go on with her life.
We both did what we had to do for the good of our selfs, she slowly grew to love me again, but even today I have no assurance that we may not drift apart again.
The best I an give you is to work on your self because you are the only one that can change your self. He needs to work his program.
I can understand you seeking an answer to your delima, but I was one of the lucky ones who's spouse found a path to forgiveness for me that allowed her to let her love lost for me to return, so I have no experience to share.
The best advice I can give you that does reflect my experience on my recovery is that when I first got sober I had no idea if my marriage would survive the wreckage I had brought to it or not, the only thing I knew is I had to work on my recovery and the rest I put into Gods hands, let the chips fall where they may.
I still loved my wife, but I had to be aware that she may decide to move on with her life with out me, and if she did I could not hang my recovery on her staying with me. I let her know that, I let her know that I had to put my sobriety ahead of her, she understood and early on told me I was doing the right thing because she did not know if she was going to be able to stay with me and still be able to go on with her life.
We both did what we had to do for the good of our selfs, she slowly grew to love me again, but even today I have no assurance that we may not drift apart again.
The best I an give you is to work on your self because you are the only one that can change your self. He needs to work his program.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: New Windsor NY
Posts: 24
Looking for feedback
Hi,
Here are a couple of things I learned working with addicts (and alcoholics are addicts). They all tend to get stuck emotionally in the teenage realm. They're immature and think words can fix things.
Also, 99% of relationships fail when one or both are using and one or both stop. The dynamics of the relationship become based on the dynamic of using and supporting. When that's taken away, the relationships tend to collapse. I would tell you to do what you feel. He will try to make you feel guilty because of "what he did for you", however, you cannot live you life for someone else.
Be Strong
Here are a couple of things I learned working with addicts (and alcoholics are addicts). They all tend to get stuck emotionally in the teenage realm. They're immature and think words can fix things.
Also, 99% of relationships fail when one or both are using and one or both stop. The dynamics of the relationship become based on the dynamic of using and supporting. When that's taken away, the relationships tend to collapse. I would tell you to do what you feel. He will try to make you feel guilty because of "what he did for you", however, you cannot live you life for someone else.
Be Strong
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Toronto
Posts: 138
Originally Posted by sugErspun
IMO (I think that is what you are asking for) -Yes, definitely!
I was dry and going to AA meetings for other people for years. Trying to win approval, salvage relationships etc, inevitable this led to drinking again and pulling the whole thing down with me (what I perceived as 'accomplishments' in sobriety - new car, job, girl, money, physical health--)
Sounds so incredibly familiar
Buying a ring as ammends doesn't make much sense to me unless he had stolen or lost a ring of yours in the past and is fixing the harm done (this comes at the 9th step). This sounds logical to me. When I expressed my opinion about accepting the ring under false pretenses he insisted it was No Strings Attached. However, I would not feel comfortable nor do I want to mislead him.
Does he have a sponsor? Yes, apparently for 8 months but he only spoke to him after his weekly meeting. He recently (last week, following our discussion regarding our future) had him over to work through the 4th step as part of his plan to do more to save the marriage.
What step is he on? He says he's been through them all and gets them. Also that he is going through them again in more depth. Every 1 - 2 mths I get the "I get this stuff, it's not difficult stuff, it all makes sense" speach.
How long has he been sober? He cut back last May and gave up alcohol in July at which point he switched to Lorazapam when ever he felt stressed. His GP said 50 would be OK with a refill!! Last time he took one was Valentines Day because he didn't like what I wrote in his Valentines Day card. It wasn't lovey enough for him, apparently.
Self pity like you describe should be long gone if he is truly is the process of making ammends. Looks like buying that ring and 'setting himself up' just continues to let him be a victim of alcoholism rather than a person who suffers from alcoholism - there is a difference.
I am not going to try to get to him by posting to you (that means, I don't think this post should come across as ammunition for you to use against his problem/program/lack of program). Not to worry, I think I am past that point.
Like it is said - this is an illness that involves and affects those around it like no other. Sounds like he is 'working a program' to receive rather than let go. If he is truly an alcoholic, he is very ill - doesn't mean you need to continue to suffer from his disease. Sad but true.
The part about finding another sponsor 'for you' - leads me to think that his motives for getting sober are anything other than actually getting sober. Agreed.
Just my opinion, do with it as you like (which includes ignoring it completely).
I really do appreciate you taking the time to respond with such thought.
I was dry and going to AA meetings for other people for years. Trying to win approval, salvage relationships etc, inevitable this led to drinking again and pulling the whole thing down with me (what I perceived as 'accomplishments' in sobriety - new car, job, girl, money, physical health--)
Sounds so incredibly familiar
Buying a ring as ammends doesn't make much sense to me unless he had stolen or lost a ring of yours in the past and is fixing the harm done (this comes at the 9th step). This sounds logical to me. When I expressed my opinion about accepting the ring under false pretenses he insisted it was No Strings Attached. However, I would not feel comfortable nor do I want to mislead him.
Does he have a sponsor? Yes, apparently for 8 months but he only spoke to him after his weekly meeting. He recently (last week, following our discussion regarding our future) had him over to work through the 4th step as part of his plan to do more to save the marriage.
What step is he on? He says he's been through them all and gets them. Also that he is going through them again in more depth. Every 1 - 2 mths I get the "I get this stuff, it's not difficult stuff, it all makes sense" speach.
How long has he been sober? He cut back last May and gave up alcohol in July at which point he switched to Lorazapam when ever he felt stressed. His GP said 50 would be OK with a refill!! Last time he took one was Valentines Day because he didn't like what I wrote in his Valentines Day card. It wasn't lovey enough for him, apparently.
Self pity like you describe should be long gone if he is truly is the process of making ammends. Looks like buying that ring and 'setting himself up' just continues to let him be a victim of alcoholism rather than a person who suffers from alcoholism - there is a difference.
I am not going to try to get to him by posting to you (that means, I don't think this post should come across as ammunition for you to use against his problem/program/lack of program). Not to worry, I think I am past that point.
Like it is said - this is an illness that involves and affects those around it like no other. Sounds like he is 'working a program' to receive rather than let go. If he is truly an alcoholic, he is very ill - doesn't mean you need to continue to suffer from his disease. Sad but true.
The part about finding another sponsor 'for you' - leads me to think that his motives for getting sober are anything other than actually getting sober. Agreed.
Just my opinion, do with it as you like (which includes ignoring it completely).
I really do appreciate you taking the time to respond with such thought.
CDM
ps. I am in the process of changing my screen name. I posted the motivation in Friends and Family http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...reen-name.html
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Toronto
Posts: 138
Originally Posted by warrens
CDM
I wrote: "When we become lovable, then will we be loved." Cool. But then there was more. "While we will be loved, we can never CHOOSE who will love us." WOW. This comment has been on my mind all weekend so far! Thank you!
While it gave me something to strive for, it relieved me of alcoholic hallucinations I might have that I can play with god and his will. It made some very complex stuff very simple indeed. All I can do is "grow myself." That's it. And I will grow the serenity necessary to accept whatever god decides. I accept that there will be things beyond my control or understanding. That's why god is lower case for me. It's a symbol to me that I may never comprehend all that. I do know that if I can accept it, I will be sober, if I cannot, I will be sick. Simple.
I wish the best for you and your family. All will be well in the long run.
warren
I wrote: "When we become lovable, then will we be loved." Cool. But then there was more. "While we will be loved, we can never CHOOSE who will love us." WOW. This comment has been on my mind all weekend so far! Thank you!
While it gave me something to strive for, it relieved me of alcoholic hallucinations I might have that I can play with god and his will. It made some very complex stuff very simple indeed. All I can do is "grow myself." That's it. And I will grow the serenity necessary to accept whatever god decides. I accept that there will be things beyond my control or understanding. That's why god is lower case for me. It's a symbol to me that I may never comprehend all that. I do know that if I can accept it, I will be sober, if I cannot, I will be sick. Simple.
I wish the best for you and your family. All will be well in the long run.
warren
CDM
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Toronto
Posts: 138
Originally Posted by Mick HK
I believe that time, as they say, was the healer. She needed to forgive me, and I needed to learn that she is her own person, not an adjunct of me.
I have forgiven my husband. I really don't feel much resentment anymore. My feelings disappeared years ago (2002ish). Unfortunately, when we married he was active so I have never known him as a sober person. I think he would be an amazing person, I think he is an amazing person however, being amazing, or nice, or kind or anything is not going to reinstate feelings that are necessary for a health marriage, or even one that is on the mend. I have been trying to get him to quit for years unsuccessfully and even though he may not be working a proper program today, he is physically healthier, a better father and a better employee and is a better person.
You have the right to happiness; everyone does. Just don't rush into anything, because people change, and feelings which we thought were gone can resurface.
I have been patient, and I continue to be patient but I can't continue living this game of me avoiding him in the house and he desparately trying to things for me to regain marital status. Let me explain it this way...remember back in high school when you knew your friend had a crush on you and it made you feel very uncomfortable so much so that you would avoid that part of the cafeteria or hallway. Then, when you had to work together on an in class assignment you got the 'heeby geebies'. You did want to give him the impression that there is any chance for a date but at the same time you liked the person enough to have them as a friend only? That's where I'm at.
Best wishes,
Mick
I have forgiven my husband. I really don't feel much resentment anymore. My feelings disappeared years ago (2002ish). Unfortunately, when we married he was active so I have never known him as a sober person. I think he would be an amazing person, I think he is an amazing person however, being amazing, or nice, or kind or anything is not going to reinstate feelings that are necessary for a health marriage, or even one that is on the mend. I have been trying to get him to quit for years unsuccessfully and even though he may not be working a proper program today, he is physically healthier, a better father and a better employee and is a better person.
You have the right to happiness; everyone does. Just don't rush into anything, because people change, and feelings which we thought were gone can resurface.
I have been patient, and I continue to be patient but I can't continue living this game of me avoiding him in the house and he desparately trying to things for me to regain marital status. Let me explain it this way...remember back in high school when you knew your friend had a crush on you and it made you feel very uncomfortable so much so that you would avoid that part of the cafeteria or hallway. Then, when you had to work together on an in class assignment you got the 'heeby geebies'. You did want to give him the impression that there is any chance for a date but at the same time you liked the person enough to have them as a friend only? That's where I'm at.
Best wishes,
Mick
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Toronto
Posts: 138
Originally Posted by Tazman53
I can understand you seeking an answer to your delima, but I was one of the lucky ones who's spouse found a path to forgiveness for me that allowed her to let her love lost for me to return, so I have no experience to share.
I am sure many would agree that posting on these boards can be very theraputic or even cathartic in a sense. As I write many times things become cleared or other make interesting observations. The posts linger in my mind for days as I digest them and take what I like and leave the rest. So, for me there is a lot of value in reading everyone's comment regardless of the differing situations.
I still loved my wife, but I had to be aware that she may decide to move on with her life with out me, and if she did I could not hang my recovery on her staying with me. It appears to be the reverse in my situation, the entire process seems to be to salvage the marriage. I am not even really sure that he loves me. He says he does, I guess I have have to take it at face value but what I really think he is in love with is our lives as projected to those around us. We APPEAR to be the perfect couple complete with the perfect kids, house, job, social circle. What people think is very important to him. I say, 'All that glitters is not Gold' and 'Money is only good for what it can buy you' and I want more than those superficial things; I am ready for a deep and meaningful life for me.
I let her know that, I let her know that I had to put my sobriety ahead of her, she understood and early on told me I was doing the right thing because she did not know if she was going to be able to stay with me and still be able to go on with her life.
Mine went like this...'ME: we need to discuss the future of our marriage...HE:please don't leave...I will do more...more meetings...more therapy...more around the house... ' It makes me very sad that it has come to this state.
We both did what we had to do for the good of our selfs, she slowly grew to love me again, but even today I have no assurance that we may not drift apart again.
The best I an give you is to work on your self because you are the only one that can change your self. He needs to work his program.
I am sure many would agree that posting on these boards can be very theraputic or even cathartic in a sense. As I write many times things become cleared or other make interesting observations. The posts linger in my mind for days as I digest them and take what I like and leave the rest. So, for me there is a lot of value in reading everyone's comment regardless of the differing situations.
I still loved my wife, but I had to be aware that she may decide to move on with her life with out me, and if she did I could not hang my recovery on her staying with me. It appears to be the reverse in my situation, the entire process seems to be to salvage the marriage. I am not even really sure that he loves me. He says he does, I guess I have have to take it at face value but what I really think he is in love with is our lives as projected to those around us. We APPEAR to be the perfect couple complete with the perfect kids, house, job, social circle. What people think is very important to him. I say, 'All that glitters is not Gold' and 'Money is only good for what it can buy you' and I want more than those superficial things; I am ready for a deep and meaningful life for me.
I let her know that, I let her know that I had to put my sobriety ahead of her, she understood and early on told me I was doing the right thing because she did not know if she was going to be able to stay with me and still be able to go on with her life.
Mine went like this...'ME: we need to discuss the future of our marriage...HE:please don't leave...I will do more...more meetings...more therapy...more around the house... ' It makes me very sad that it has come to this state.
We both did what we had to do for the good of our selfs, she slowly grew to love me again, but even today I have no assurance that we may not drift apart again.
The best I an give you is to work on your self because you are the only one that can change your self. He needs to work his program.
Thanks!
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Join Date: Jan 2008
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Originally Posted by emack321
Hi,
Here are a couple of things I learned working with addicts (and alcoholics are addicts). They all tend to get stuck emotionally in the teenage realm. They're immature and think words can fix things.
Also, 99% of relationships fail when one or both are using and one or both stop. The dynamics of the relationship become based on the dynamic of using and supporting. When that's taken away, the relationships tend to collapse. I would tell you to do what you feel. He will try to make you feel guilty because of "what he did for you", however, you cannot live you life for someone else.
Be Strong
Here are a couple of things I learned working with addicts (and alcoholics are addicts). They all tend to get stuck emotionally in the teenage realm. They're immature and think words can fix things.
Also, 99% of relationships fail when one or both are using and one or both stop. The dynamics of the relationship become based on the dynamic of using and supporting. When that's taken away, the relationships tend to collapse. I would tell you to do what you feel. He will try to make you feel guilty because of "what he did for you", however, you cannot live you life for someone else.
Be Strong
Very simple and to the point...thank you.
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