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Old 04-08-2008, 09:43 AM
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Good to see familiar people still doing so well!

I've been absent for a short while, existing as the walking dead. But I'm glad to be back here so quickly, righting myself.

I think it was back in October or so that I re-visited SR's forums, seeking my sobriety. It was only my third serious attempt since 2005 at looking at my life, knowing what was to blame for it, and truly seeking the only solution I knew 100% was right. I wanted to appreciate the things in life that were special, not harp on the things that were negative. I had stopped seeing the good that there is to be had in life. I wouldn't watch the news because the whole world was going to s#!t. I felt like crap anytime I wasn't too numb to care. I was living, but just in a bad place mentally (& physically most days).

And with the help and advice of these very boards, and after a few crazy binges fighting for my sobriety, I eventually got a glimpse of a different world. For the first time in years, I got it. It was around my birthday, turning 35 in mid January, that I was getting it. I was staying sober, I was feeling good, I was seeing potential in things instead of the ever overhanging gloom and doom, I had some pride, my urges were not too bad and best of all, I had normal bowell movements!!

But it was my first time in forever that I didn't drink for more than 2 or 3 days. I think I did around 10 days a long time ago... I was now entering a few weeks.

And I guess because the urges had mostly passed... I figured I'd test the waters from time to time, and I did quite well actually. For a few weeks, I'd have 4 - 6 beers a few nights a week. But by the middle of March, it was more like 6-10 most nights of the week. Sometimes a few more, sometimes a few less... but like all people who are now in "control" of their drinking, I was still getting up and working, and feeling pretty good most days. I still visited SR, although other than thanking, I didn't post much at all other than to encourage because technically, I was in "control", but I had been there and still wanted to help. But guilt kept me from posting. I knew it would be lying.

When I stopped in today, it said my last visit was March 15'th. Since then, it got bad again. Sitting in bed at 1:00 in the morning, opening one last beer to slam down so I could pass out, hating myself for drinking so much, wondering why I do it, and still opening the cap and slamming it down, *blink* time to get up. No dreams, no feeling of rest... dizzy, sick... cursing myself as I grab a beer to start feeling better. So sickening.

Luckily, there are no serious ramifications from this binge (financial, auto accidents, fights with wife etc..) What truly excites me is how quickly I am righting myself, and not with any false hopes. I got a glimpse of where I can go and who I can be, and I know it's only a short time away. I never gave sobriety a long enough chance until this winter, and unfortunately, I got a little bit cocky and BANG, there I was again. But except for my poor tortured belly and this brain fog, I am in a better place than I was 2 days ago. I will be in an even better place tomorrow and so on and so forth. For the first time when quitting, I can say I know where I am going and I'm not afraid. I'm not sitting here sulking about my past, I'm happy that I made it through alive and well and am so hopeful for the future.

It's the first time in years of wanting to quit that the bump in the road on my long journey to sobriety feels more like a bump than a mountain I had to climb.

So I'll be all right, and I wanted to say hello to all the regulars and welcome to any new visitors. And know that even though I blundered again, none of the great words of wisdom that I have read and been offered here were wasted on me. I learned yet another lesson.

So see ya all around
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Old 04-08-2008, 09:49 AM
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Welcome back rimmy, as long as you keep trying you stand a chance, just be willing to try different things with an open mind, you will hit on something that works.
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Old 04-08-2008, 10:13 AM
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existing as the walking dead
Thanks for reminding me where I came from.

Remember Chapter 3. Over any considerable period of time, we get worse, never better.

Hang in there, it does get better if you follow a program of recovery.
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Old 04-08-2008, 10:17 AM
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Originally Posted by Tazman53 View Post
Welcome back rimmy, as long as you keep trying you stand a chance, just be willing to try different things with an open mind, you will hit on something that works.
Thanks Taz. I still have the open invitation to go to an AA meeting with my aunt. I'm thinking right now that I won't have a problem passing up on the drink (cocky old me talking again... so I know I better be careful).

But trust me, at this point, the only door I'm closing is the fridge door on the beer! First sign I have of weakness (and let's face it... it could be any minute), my aunt's phone will ring. No hesitations, no fear. It's bad enough wasting all that money... It's just stupid wasting my life.

Great to see ya again Taz.
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Old 04-08-2008, 11:24 AM
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I'm so glad you're back! Sounds like you are in a good frame of mind. Hope you stay strong. It may help to surround yourself with other people in recovery. AA is really a great help.
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Old 04-08-2008, 02:55 PM
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Not that I ever follow this particular advice regarding Dr.s but I do with AA.

Sometimes getting a "checkup" before we need to go to the hospital can be a good thing?

AA allows us in meetings even when we aren't on the verge of drinking. You might want to check out a meeting just so you know where and when they are holding them, BEFORE the dragons come to call.

Just a thought, welcome back,

Jon
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Old 04-08-2008, 06:06 PM
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Welcome Back....
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Old 04-08-2008, 09:30 PM
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******{Rimmy }}}} !!!!!

Good to see ya!
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Old 04-09-2008, 06:27 AM
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I'm just looking forward to finding my good mental state again. When I stayed sober for a few weeks there, I found it at least in part. I began to accept my role in life... whatever it may be. I'm not sure if sprituality is the right word... I did not find god. But I found acceptance and responsibility, and even found a little bit of peace. I found joy in things again, like making time to play a board game with my daughter, or visit my grandmother, or just relax with a book.

Today, I sit here trying to work wondering what the hell is the point of all this... life. Work, watch TV, Sleep, repeat. I just don't even have the gumption to get excited about anything... Thank goodness I know this passes and I have that to look forward to. I failed so many times, giving up trying to quit on day two or three, convincing myself "what's the difference?".

But I've seen the other side and I want it back, even though it is tough to get there. I once climbed Mt. Washington, just to say I got to the top. That took 2 days of harder work than being mentally broken... I guess. But this reward is even better... I know that now.

So, gonna go trudge. The more I do, the better I'll feel at the end of the day, the better I'll feel tomorrow morning.

Regards
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Old 04-09-2008, 07:06 PM
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Welcome back Rimmy
I sure appreciate the fact that you came back and shared your story. You don't know how many people you helped by sharing here, but you can know that you helped me. I needed to read it as much as you needed to write it!

I guess that's how things work here on SR. I'm glad you are back with us, and I hope you keep going with this fresh start.
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Old 04-10-2008, 05:19 AM
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Thanks everyone!

I was right about just trudging through the day yesterday... Once I got off my sorry horse, things began flowing better. With the fog lifting, I was able to go to two spur of the moment evening appointments that I normally would have made an excuse for and tried to "fit" them into the following morning... because I would already have had a bunch to drink. That felt great of course. It was a pretty good day in the end.

I just have to watch how my mind works... the high highs and the low lows that can fluctuate throughout a single day. I'm certain they are normal, but dealing with them without beer is always shaky at first.

Today, I woke up really positive. That's what got me last time. Everything was so good for what felt like a long time (was only a few weeks) that I thought I was in control of anything I put my mind to... As I feel better and better, I can't forget what I can't control. I think that is truly my only roadblock. I can't forget.

Thanks again for all the support (over the years). Have any of you ever just finally said, "this is the time... that's it" and truly felt it and it worked. Or am I kidding myself again... I guess that ball is in my court.

But I can feel something I never felt before. I'm not sick and tired of fighting drinking, I'm sick and tired of fighting sobriety. Sobriety, you win! Take me.
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Old 04-10-2008, 05:28 AM
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Thanks again for all the support (over the years). Have any of you ever just finally said, "this is the time... that's it" and truly felt it and it worked. Or am I kidding myself again... I guess that ball is in my court.
yep.

hope not ... and ... yep.
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Old 04-10-2008, 06:02 AM
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Rimmy you sound so much like me when I used to be able to go a day without a drink, I would decide "Man I got to quit drinking!!!" and I would be able to quit drinking long enough to where I was starting to feel good again!!! What I learned was that when I was quitting drinking "My way" which was simply not drinking and swearing I would never drink again that when I started feeling good again my mind's forgetter would turn on, I would forget all the shame, guilt and the pain from drinking and would eventually convince myself that "Hey I have this under control now, I can have a drink after work on the way home and no one will know." Well I was back to drinking every day in no time!!! Kept that up for 5 years until I had to drink every day, the choice in whether to drink or not was gone!!!!
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Old 04-10-2008, 06:43 AM
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I've been doing it for 3 years now taz... Lost control 10 years ago, wanting to quit drinking 3 years ago... I thought I had a chance. But while I thought I was only fighting drinking, I was also fighting sobriety.

"oh, man, I need a beer to deal with this" "I can't imagine never drinking again" "someday, I'll have it under control" "if they can stop after just a few, I can stop too" "last night I only had 4, so I can do that again tonight" "I have to stop drinking for a while because I'm hungover today"

All that crap I fed myself was not fighting drinking, it was fighting sobriety. I've drank my whole life. I've way overdrank the past 10. I had forgotten how to deal with life sober... because I didn't let myself do it. I can honestly say I had a relationship with beer... it was more important to me than mostly anything else. I was afraid of losing it, and I fought off sobriety. I'm no longer feeling the need to do that. I'm taking it one day at a time. There are cold ones in the fridge that my wife left there from last night... I know if I take one, I have lost my sobriety... and I am fighting for that now... perhaps for the first time, because I'm not afraid of it anymore. I got a good solid taste of it, and then I bittered my life one last time... I have a comparison for the first time in 10 years and I am fighting for my sobriety.

I hope my actions are as strong as my words and that my feelings don't diminish. I already have a stay sober plan for the first time my wife and I bicker, the first time something with work goes wrong, the first time something bad financial happens... I will fight for my sobriety to get through these times, not fight off the drink. That battle I have not won, but if I fight for sobriety, I can win that one. If I am sliding, I have SR and I have family and there is AA locally, and I will use all of them to my advantage to win my freedom. I am so tired of fighting this... this being sobriety. I'm giving in.

Thanks for the brutal honesty Taz... I have a lot of respect for what you say.
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Old 04-10-2008, 07:29 AM
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Rimmy the key for me was willingness!!!!!

Being willing to do what ever it took to get and stay sober!

Staying sober was the hardest part, I had to go through medical detox, I had no choice and mentally the detox was a breeze. When I came out of detox I was over the major physical withdrawals, the obsession was the beast!!!!

I walked out of detox and the beast was clawing at me, telling me that I deserved a drink, it was everything in my power to get home, I made it but really thought I was going crazy!!!! Thank God I was willing to do what ever it took to stay sober, I hugged my wife and kids and wnet straight to an AA meeting just like they had suggested in detox and I got a temporary sponsor that night!

For several weeks my life was a battle between sobriety and the beast, I got phone numbers at meetings and rather then stop at the store and buy beer, I called people in AA and my sponsor and went to at least a meeting every day. The phone calls helped, but meetings were the only place for quite a while where the beast was not within me, the beast waited for me out side!

That beast for 2 months kept getting weaker and I thought I was doing well, then for no reason that beast doubled in size!!!!!! I wanted a drink more then when I got out of detox!!!! The folks in AA had been telling me that working the steps with a sponsor is what removed the obsession for them.

Well I was willing to do what ever it took, the beast had my back against the wall, I hit the point where I was either going to work the steps or drink! As I worked the steps the obsession lifted.

Rimmy take it one day at a time and remain willing to do what ever it takes to stay sober and beat the beast!
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Old 04-10-2008, 08:00 AM
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Originally Posted by Rimmy View Post
Have any of you ever just finally said, "this is the time... that's it" and truly felt it and it worked. Or am I kidding myself again... .
Yes, I have said that to myself, and always drank again.

My last binge I realized something - I can't keep myself sober, no matter what I will drink again: good times, hard times, boring times.

I surrendered to the fact that I was unable to stay sober under any circumstance - then I was offered a solution that worked in someone that I related to, I became willing to do whatever it took.

Today, I am sober. I don't even think about taking a drink anymore. Problem 'removed'.
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Old 04-10-2008, 01:37 PM
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I am so happy I straightened my act up... just got a call to help on an installation at Grand Central Station in Manhatten tomorrow. Not too many days ago I would have "excused" my way out of going, wondering how I could manage on ladders and act ok and not get sick and where would I sneak a drink... I just wouldn't have done it. What an opportunity and a blessing.

I still got worked up and had a 15 minute anxiety attack (So busy with my own stuff), but thought it through a few times and worked it out.

Just wanted to remind and share the benefits of being capable of choosing what you want to do, not drinks dictating what you are able to do.
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Old 04-11-2008, 03:11 AM
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Rimmy just keep in mind the calm before the storm my friend, every time I relapsed it was because I was feeling better, my way was working... I had it licked my way this time!!! For some reason my way I always found myself right back where I left off.

The second you begin to think "I got it licked this time" and a drink seems like a good idea, is the time to take an action you have not tried before, you really need to stay willing to break new ground.
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Old 04-11-2008, 10:53 AM
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That's exactly what happened to me the last time, but it was the first time I even got to a clear head. I have closed not a single door... and they are open for me.

I had a small blowup with my girl yesterday because I needed the van for the city job... I allowed a cool down time and was ok.

I had the job in the city dropped on me yesterday and although with all the work I already have I did get worked up and anxious, I worked through it and rolled with it.

I have come to terms with the fact that life sober or drinking is going to throw crap at me sometimes, but I'm dealing with it different.

I KNOW that to you I'm here with all the answers and you see me being too confident, but I've just been doing this jumping through hoops thing with myself for too darn long. A while back, I confided in a close business friend (who never drinks) and he is there for me. I have here family and the open door to AA. My wife of course knows the path I wish to and need to follow and is being supportive (except for leaving another beer in the fridge, but it's not yet calling me). I told my neighbor who comes by every night when he gets home from work with beer in hand that he is welcome, but I'll be drinking water or seltzer and he is fine with that.

I've put my life out there as I was and as I wish to be. Like I was saying, I saw where and what not drinking is about for the first time and got cocky and let it slip away for a few weeks, and I know I might sound cocky now, but I am here to stay...

I will NOT close a door. I will stand behind "sobriety is worth fighting for". I will recognize negative urges and do whatever I need to in order to render them harmless. Most of all, I will take your advice and beware the calm before the storm. I want to see it coming so I can steer away. Sure I feel I need to do this... but I also want to.

And I still can't wait till my stomach is better... still tender and raw. Still lethargic and a little foggy. But so much better. When that all levels off and the "thrill is gone", I am cautious of feeling in control.

I never smoked cigarettes, when I felt I could not smoke pot anymore, I just stopped and except for a few times when really drunk, never did it again. Once I decided hard alcohol was not for me, I never took another shot. I've experimented with pretty much everything except heroin and had the resolve to say, "now I'm done with you"... all except my Bud Lights. I feel now like I did with each of the other things I have cut off from my life... beer broke my heart and I have to end the relationship whether it is what I want or not... enough is enough.

Wow, I type too much when I am happy.

And the job went well in the city... left at 5:25 this morning (ugh) and all went well... going to do a second installation on Monday or Tuesday. Gonna busta move on my work at home for the rest of the day and hope I can stay awake for Rangers/Devils game 2 tonight!!

Thanks again for the input Taz... you will be the first one IM'd if I can't get a hold of family of friend WHEN the first real willpower test comes. I'm not in denial.. just see so much potential that I'm swimming in it. I will be careful.
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