NoMoBeer

I wish they knew what I was feeling.
How a drink comes so easy for them, and is like a teasing death for me...

I wish they knew what I was feeling.
when they've got their 'buzz on,' and I just want to enjoy the evening with normal people...

I wish they knew what I was feeling..
Left out of the conversations, which get louder and make less sense - but "why aren't YOU laughing?"

I wish they knew.
That recovery is a daily reprieve based on the maintenance of my spiritual condition, and that if it's not growing it's dying...

I wish they knew...
How 'on the outside I feel' when I am not at the same intox level - nor wish to be - and that I'd like them to just hang with me for me.

I wish they knew ...
that the glass of wine seemingly harmless in the armrest of my chair is a demon waiting to pounce at a moment of weakness.

I wish they knew...
my disease is just as deadly as any other, and that if they cared they would learn about it, help me with it, just UNDERSTAND it for God's sake.

I don't want pity, I don't want poor me, I just want love, understanding and acceptance. To know that this isn't the big dark secret, that maybe people think I am an alcoholic, and oh yeah -- a Born Again Christian who was saved by a Higher Power in AA, and saved by the Grace of my Lord Jesus Christ. Saved from a life of pain, sorrow and hardship -- to a life of love, grace and fellowship with survivors of the same sinking ship -- fellow recovering alcoholics and addicts.

Sorry, folks -- really needed to get this off my chest tonight. Went to an event with wife and bro/sis in law and just really felt like I didn't belong there. That is a tough pill to swallow.... Tomorrow I will be in a meeting of AA, where I always belong, and working with a sponsee, who I am helping to feel like he belongs again....

Don't mean to be a downer -- just sharing my experience on here, b/c it's midnight and too late for a meeting -- I would love to hear some strength and hope.

I love you guys...

NMB

Eqlibrium

i think that happens to everyone i always feel like that where i never fit in everyone else seems to be fitting in except me i stnad out, and that they have no idea the hell we put are selfs throught just to be normal again but maybe its best if they dont know. well thats what happens when you abuse liquor no going around that, thought instead of beleiving in god so much you should beleive in your self alot more you well find that helps hope you feel better

Cathy31

Hey Ken
Sorry you're feeling down...sometimes it just hits us out the blue...my position was made redundant last week - it's what I really wanted, got a big payout, but my old character defects have really come to the fore...self pity, OMG, FEAR has been a big one! Luckily it has not even crossed my mind to pick up a drink and I'm just doing what I know works - meetings, stepwork, service,

And I know this too will pass - for you too. I know that feeling of isolation - AT TIMES although often is self inflicted and ME ME ME run riot - understand ME, love ME, appreciate ME. When I get back to the tenets of AA - love and service of OTHERS it helps me a lot.

Sorry I couldn't be there for you right there and then. PM me any time, you remain a wonderful inspiration and beautiful human being Ken. Let Go, Let God.

Cathy31
x

GlassPrisoner

It's tough, but "normies" just don't get it. And, I can't expect them to, that would be an un-realistic expectation on my part.

That's why The Fellowship is so cool. You guys "get me".

sugErspun

Ever hear the saying "It's an inside job" ?

To be honest (not critical, because I have felt the same way) - it's selfishness rearing it's head. The desire to control how people behave, what they think of me, how they don't conform to what 'I' want.

Some practical advice - read the part in 'How it Works' (BB):

"If his arrangments would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangments our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits.

What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. He begins to think life doesn't treat him right...."

further more

"Selfishness--self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt"

http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_BigBook_chapt5.pdf

For consideration - We have made decisions based on self that put us in a position to be hurt.

Like I said - I don't mean to be critical or minimize how you feel - but the answers are there.

NoMoBeer

Thank you everyone. I was not in a good spot last night, and always always ALWAYS love my fellow AAers, who will call me on my 'stuff' and make me look at what MY part is...

And it's not always the alcohol, it's my wife's behavior anytime we are out with friends... I seem to get 'forgotten,' and YES, that's me trying to control how much attention I get, wanting to feel loved and special and setting expectations. At some level I do think we should "feel the love," but I've got to give it away to get it (my part).

I do have an issue with wifey having 3 glasses of wine, and voice getting louder and the "smell" just sometimes irks me... I know, I know -- my expectations....

I must remember -- my serenity is inversely proportionate to my expectations.

I think I will start reading Dr. Paul's book "You Can't Make Me Angry" again.... :-)

Thank you all!

ken