persistent people
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 55
persistent people
I was reading all the replies from my thread yesterday, and I realize I've got to take the next step if I am serious about this. Stop trying, start doing. That's going to be the hardest for me. I feel like it's so much easier to just drink and pretend everything is fine with it, rather than tell everyone, 'no, I'm not drinking.' It's hard when your friends are constantly wanting to go out. It's very hard for me to say no, when I know I'm good and ready to drink.
Just last night at work, after I had been drinking for the past 3 nights and feeling like crap from not getting enough sleep, a friend asked me if I wanted to stay after work and have a drink with her. I told her, 'no way, I'm not drinking tonight, I really need to get some sleep.' It was easy for me to not want to drink after doing it for 3 days and being exhausted at work. I had no desire. But I just dont understand why people are persistent! This friend asked me 3 or 4 times throughout the night if I would have a drink with her. Saying, 'please, please just have one with me.' I told her I dont have 'just one' so NO NO NO! It's crazy to me...how hard people try. It's really hard for me to say no, and I wish people would respect me when I do say no. It seems like nobody does. Everyone wants their drinkin' buddy, but I dont wanna be that anymore.
Just last night at work, after I had been drinking for the past 3 nights and feeling like crap from not getting enough sleep, a friend asked me if I wanted to stay after work and have a drink with her. I told her, 'no way, I'm not drinking tonight, I really need to get some sleep.' It was easy for me to not want to drink after doing it for 3 days and being exhausted at work. I had no desire. But I just dont understand why people are persistent! This friend asked me 3 or 4 times throughout the night if I would have a drink with her. Saying, 'please, please just have one with me.' I told her I dont have 'just one' so NO NO NO! It's crazy to me...how hard people try. It's really hard for me to say no, and I wish people would respect me when I do say no. It seems like nobody does. Everyone wants their drinkin' buddy, but I dont wanna be that anymore.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
TFC next time that situation comes up why not say "No I quit drinking, but I would be happy to go to the coffeshop with you if you want to talk." If they just need to talk to someone they will say yes, if they say no thanks, then that will tell you they just want to drink and need someone to be there with them to justify it.
One big thing people learn when they sober up is there is a huge difference between a friend and a drinking buddy. Want a drinking buddy? Go to any bar and buy a round, you will then have drinking buddies, they are a dime a dozen or the cost of one drink!
Real friends are priceless.
One big thing people learn when they sober up is there is a huge difference between a friend and a drinking buddy. Want a drinking buddy? Go to any bar and buy a round, you will then have drinking buddies, they are a dime a dozen or the cost of one drink!
Real friends are priceless.
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Born in Long Island NY/Mtns of N.C Is my home now
Posts: 405
Well your first big step should probably be explaining what you feel to the persistant friend/person time will tell which one they truly are. It has been hard for me to explain to some that i am trying to avoid alcohol because i have a problem but it was something that i had to tell (on myself) to stay sober..
Take care,
John
Take care,
John
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
You're gonna have to do something about that, TFC. You have enough on your plate without having to negotiate with others. There are numerous ways that you might deal with the issue, but only you can choose the right one.
I'm lucky in that my drinking was usually solitary. My "pub days" are long gone. You have more to change than I did.
Perhaps some day, you may be able to socialize in a bar and not drink. I would think that day to be far off. I would think that you either have to be honest (depending on the person) or blunt. Get into negotiating and making excuses and alcohol will win. Think about your responses in advance, so you don't have to create them on the fly. Don't let it go past your initial reply that you are not going. End it right there.
For most, socializing over alcohol is a great thing. The ritual, the atmosphere, the "crowd." It can be as attractive as the drink is. But we simply cannot go there. It's like going into a room full of SARS patients and expecting to come out unscathed. You have no immune system to combat it.
The only advice I have is to be prepared. Don't be taken by surprise. Have a plan. A script. As time goes on, you will become comfortable with it. Right now, you have to train yourself and others like a new puppy. A puppy would surely alter your life. This is kinda the same thing.
Be prepared and you'll be spared.
warrens
I'm lucky in that my drinking was usually solitary. My "pub days" are long gone. You have more to change than I did.
Perhaps some day, you may be able to socialize in a bar and not drink. I would think that day to be far off. I would think that you either have to be honest (depending on the person) or blunt. Get into negotiating and making excuses and alcohol will win. Think about your responses in advance, so you don't have to create them on the fly. Don't let it go past your initial reply that you are not going. End it right there.
For most, socializing over alcohol is a great thing. The ritual, the atmosphere, the "crowd." It can be as attractive as the drink is. But we simply cannot go there. It's like going into a room full of SARS patients and expecting to come out unscathed. You have no immune system to combat it.
The only advice I have is to be prepared. Don't be taken by surprise. Have a plan. A script. As time goes on, you will become comfortable with it. Right now, you have to train yourself and others like a new puppy. A puppy would surely alter your life. This is kinda the same thing.
Be prepared and you'll be spared.
warrens
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Newark,DE
Posts: 404
Hi TFC,
Good advice already offered, I dont believe in big anouncements, it can give others the sense that you are suddenly feeling superior than them, and it's none of their business. Taz presents a good test of their true desire to spend time with you, vs wanting a drinking buddy. Other things are -you've started a new diet that precludes alcohol (few include it, I found, much to my dismay...lol), you'd love to, but the weather so nice a walk after work sounds so much better, Going to the gym later, and I can't do both, started saving for vacation, and going out always ends up costing me too much money.
You get the idea, you can politely decline without making a big announcement, and in time your friends will bubble to the surface, and others will find other drinking buddies.
Just offering some ideas!
and btw, Welcome to our world!
S
Good advice already offered, I dont believe in big anouncements, it can give others the sense that you are suddenly feeling superior than them, and it's none of their business. Taz presents a good test of their true desire to spend time with you, vs wanting a drinking buddy. Other things are -you've started a new diet that precludes alcohol (few include it, I found, much to my dismay...lol), you'd love to, but the weather so nice a walk after work sounds so much better, Going to the gym later, and I can't do both, started saving for vacation, and going out always ends up costing me too much money.
You get the idea, you can politely decline without making a big announcement, and in time your friends will bubble to the surface, and others will find other drinking buddies.
Just offering some ideas!
and btw, Welcome to our world!
S
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I too suggest a compromise.....offer to join people
in a non drinking place or activity.
Especially when dealing with co-workers.
I operate on keeping my job and my social life far apart.
Socially....
I lessened this problem when I began making new
sober friends in AA. We did all sorts of things
as a group of singles....just no drinking.
I love the new exciting life I found in recovery!
in a non drinking place or activity.
Especially when dealing with co-workers.
I operate on keeping my job and my social life far apart.
Socially....
I lessened this problem when I began making new
sober friends in AA. We did all sorts of things
as a group of singles....just no drinking.
I love the new exciting life I found in recovery!
Naturally Occuring Phenomenon
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 437
If I was hanging with my nonsober friends right now I'd still be drinking, thats why I had to leave. Ya know, just following orders & all that stuff. Rehab has got me on the run from my friends and life, I'm goin back though. Ditto what Taz said.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
[QUOTE=timeforchange;1714901]I was reading all the replies from my thread yesterday, and I realize I've got to take the next step if I am serious about this. Stop trying, start doing. That's going to be the hardest for me. I feel like it's so much easier to just drink and pretend everything is fine with it, rather than tell everyone, 'no, I'm not drinking.' It's hard when your friends are constantly wanting to go out. It's very hard for me to say no, when I know I'm good and ready to drink.
You will have an opportunity to find out who your real friends are, those are the folks that accept the fact that you don't drink anymore.
When we do regattas, I won't be hanging out at the drinking parties/bars. I did that ONCE last fall, spent three hours watching people get drunk and was absolutely miserable. There is nothing for me in those places anymore, I have no business being there. We spend all of our time hanging with the drinkers, usually the HEAVY drinkers-we do need someone to compare ourselves favorably with, right?-but the majority of people simply don't drink, and alcoholics are an even smaller minority of the people that do drink. Your best bet is to try to find new, sober friends. The old program cliche is true, stay away from wet people and places. Good Luck!
You will have an opportunity to find out who your real friends are, those are the folks that accept the fact that you don't drink anymore.
When we do regattas, I won't be hanging out at the drinking parties/bars. I did that ONCE last fall, spent three hours watching people get drunk and was absolutely miserable. There is nothing for me in those places anymore, I have no business being there. We spend all of our time hanging with the drinkers, usually the HEAVY drinkers-we do need someone to compare ourselves favorably with, right?-but the majority of people simply don't drink, and alcoholics are an even smaller minority of the people that do drink. Your best bet is to try to find new, sober friends. The old program cliche is true, stay away from wet people and places. Good Luck!
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