caesar112

I think my wife may have a drinking problem. Well she doesnt get up in the morning and drink first thing or anything. But a few nights a week, like around 3 nights or maybe 4, she wants me to go and get her wine or brandy so she can "chill out". I have no problem with her having a drink here and there or being sensible. But when she starts drinking she doesn't stop until she's either passed out or puking in the toilet. And she seems to look for any kind of occassion to justify drinking e.g. anniversary of loved one's death, financial boons, some holiday etc.

I just don't see why she can't have a drink or 2 then stop before she gets to the point of being nasty, incoherent, stumbling around, passed out or sick. When I drink, I drink a bit to get a buzz going then I stop because I don't want to go overboard. But I don't drink anymore, my wife's behavior has put me off it.

She's very nasty, aggressive and abusive when she's been drinking too. We only ever fight when she's had a drink it seems. Tonight she was drinking and she started feeling sick so I told her to stop drinking. She didn't listen so I poured it all down the drain and she started hitting me. Maybe I shouldn't have done this but I can't sit back and watch my wife be so self-destructive. She's my everything. So she hit me pretty hard with something, infact my knee is really messed up at the moment, I don't know what she did to it. She wanted to leave but I don't want her going out and doing something stupid, she's in no state to go out. So I locked us both in here. She's passed out now anyway.

I'm scared for my wife. I'm scared for our marriage. I'm scared for my family.

What should I do? Does my wife have a drinking problem or am I imagining it? I'm in the U.K. by the way, so does anyone know of any organisations that could help us.

Thank you.

sugErspun

Does your wife show any interest in not drinking anymore?

Doesn't seem that she can drink 'just a little' so total abstinence may be the only answer for her.

caesar112

No.

She's from Ireland. She's under some sort of impression that Irish people have to drink. Her family are heavy drinkers. This whole damn country (the UK) likes to drink. There's pubs everywhere. We're in an impossible situation.

I would love for her to refrain completely from drinking. Because when she does get that drink she doesn't stop until disaster it seems.

How do I get her to that point though?

lovingseren

Why not video tape her when she is drunk and replay it when she is sober.

It might well be time for you to set some boundaries with her regarding her behaviour.

I am a female alcoholic in recovery for over four years, your wife sounds a lot like I used to be.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html
Please check out these links

Good Luck to Both of You, Please know that you are not alone.

Seren

ps. The first drinking event I attended after getting sober was an irish wake. Being around alcohol doesn't bother me at all anymore.

caesar112

Videotaping sounds like a good idea.

Thank you Seren.

I sure do feel alone though.

sugErspun

I had to reach that place on my own - no other person was able to get in my way.

That meant - drinking even after I really wanted to quit. Not being able to stay stopped.

I don't know much about helping people see their bottoms while they are still drinking, maybe consult the friends and family forum....

There is help if she wants it. I am around alcohol often - and I don't drink anymore (I am 1/2 Irish as well)-

There is a way out, but she needs to want to quit, really want to quit.

caraway

She sounds a lot like me too - once I start to drink I have to keep going till I'm passed out. If someone poured my drink away before I was finished with it I'd 'pretty annoyed' (and thats putting it very lightly) too. Pouring it away isn't going to stop her drinking, she might just stagger out for some more and put herself in more danger.

I'm not sure about video taping either. I've heard of people doing this and I haven't heard of it being of any help - unless its to be used when arguing over custody of children.

I've been lucky, my husband didn't do that. He did tell me it was a problem. He told me he found it very hard to cope with. Finally, I took that in. I didn't want to lose what I had. I'm in the UK and go to AA. If she doesn't want to go to AA, you could go to alanon anyway, it helps relatives. I've tried talking to a counsellor - total waste of time. I was a binge drinker and had my last binge at new year, so I haven't been sober for very long, though I've been to AA before - years ago - its the only thing around here that works for me.

lovingseren

I work with addicted women, video taping has worked for quite a few of them.

Please get yourself some support Caesar.

Seren

caraway

apologies there, Seren and Caesar, my experience with videotaping is rather sparce so I shouldn't really comment.

caesar112

Thanks everyone for the responses so far.

So she definitely has some sort of problem then and I'm not crazy? I really didn't think it was normal.

I'll write down my thoughts yeah and try and talk to her tomorrow? Does that sound like a good idea?

I'm an immigrant here, all my family and support network is in America. So I do really feel alone here!!

lovingseren

Get some help for you too.

This is going to be a bumpy road.

Your wife has a life threatening disease/problem.

Many, many women die of this each year, not just from physical problems, liver, kidneys, pancreas, heart or alcoholic dementia.
They also die from accidents in the home, car accidents and choking on their own vomit.

Go talk to your GP about this, they can be very helpful.

Seren

caraway

Well, it sounds like a good idea to me. It was my husband telling me his thoughts that helped me.

lovingseren

Agree with Caraway !!

1cor13

Tazman53

Caesar you have to first take care of yourself, part of this is learning that you can not change your wife, you should really considering going to Alanon, this is a program where people support and help each other learn to cope with alcoholic family and friends.

In regards to your wife there are a ton of things you can do to show her how whacked she is due to her drinking, but until she is ready to do something about stopping it herself there is nothing you can really do.

She needs to suffer full consequences for all of her drinking actions, the worse thing you can do is something to cover up her drinking. If she is to hungover or drunk to go to work refuse to call her in sick, make her call in herself! If she gets arrested leave her in jail, if she is physically assaulting you call the police and have her arrested.

Sounds mean doesn't it? Well she needs to figure out that the pain of drinking is not worth continued drinking. If you are always helping her out of a jam she has brought on due to her drinking she is going to continue to drink because you are enabling her to drink with out paying a price for her drinking.

Good luck to you, go to Alanon, you will find people in the same spot you are in, they can help you learn to deal with the situation.

CarolD

Welcome to SR!


Please check out this link
it's to the Friends and Family of Alcoholics Forum

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/

Do read the top sticky post there for starters.

Blessings to you and your wife

best

One thing that I did with my Irish wife...

I stopped cleaning up after her. She became sick and made a mess of the bathroom. I left the mess for her to clean up the next day. Well 12 hours passed by the time she woke up and she couldn't blame me for her mess and she started to realize that she should change things. Not to say that her cleaning up after herself stopped her but it did make my life a little easier and did help open her eyes to what is what.

Cathy31

She sounds like a total alcoholic - definite definite problem there! But you can't fix her as you've read here, you can however save yourself. What you described is how I used to treat my husband - horrifying really, but what Best described also worked for me - when I had to deal with my own consequences it started making a difference.

There are SO MANY places in the UK that can help you. For you - google al-anon meetings and go to them. No more locking her in/out. She needs to face consequence before she can realise the full nature of her condition. YOU on the other hand can do so straight away through the 12 steps of Al-Anon YOU can get well - they say often the partners of alcoholics are as sick (co-dependence) but you can address this. I am sorry for your pain - keep posting espeically on friends and family forum they are amazingly inspiring people

good luck - keep us posted

cahty31
x

collinsmi

She sounds like an alcoholic. My experience with being an alky seeking treatment is that I would not do it seriously until I was absolutely wore out - out of airspeed, altitude and ideas. I was about to write that nothing anyone else said or did made any difference in getting me sober but that's not 100% true, more like 99.999% true. I was going through a divorce and wanted custody of my daughters. My lawyer wrote me a letter saying "if you don't start going to AA again, you'll be lucky to see your girls again, let alone get custody". It got me back in the door.

I'm not suggesting you get a divorce or threaten to get a divorce, quite the opposite. A special kind of hell is what mine was like. But I would suggest Al Anon.