Love and addiction - Silly question??
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 423
Trust is probably the first thing we lose, wouldn't you say? I had to earn that back and it was not easy. I am sure my wife was waiting for me to drink again ... thank God I didn't or I would have lost her.
I like your approach CoDee, which is similar to my wife. She needed to learn to trust me again; after that we had a chance.
Dave
I like your approach CoDee, which is similar to my wife. She needed to learn to trust me again; after that we had a chance.
Dave
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Toronto
Posts: 138
Hi David,
Trust was not the first thing to go for me. My AH always appeared to be a happy drunk. He never sqwandered money or went bar hoping. He mostly drank in isolation and was very affectionate and loving while under the influence; kind of a love drug of sorts. This is not to say that he didn't passout and hurt himself and his health was gravely affected by his behaviour.
Mostly what I lost was a partner, friend, husband and lover. He seemed to use alcohol to put distance between us. So I basically lived a life separate from his. I ran the household and raised the kids and did social things all without him. The only time in the last 15 yrs of marriage that we were a 'couple' was from the time we married until the day I got pregnant probably because I had a couple of drinks with him. So, I wouldn't say trust was a major issue I would sooner say that I was deprieved-love starved- sorta. I dilemma is that so much time has past that I have nothing to say to him unless it pertains to the kids, I don't have any physical or emotional interest in him and he is the last person I would think to call if I was standed with my car. All of this not because I hate him just because he was never available for me so I learned not to rely on him.
I don't hate him at all, he is a wonderful and handsome guy; I just don't think I love him anymore and haven't for 6 yrs. I am willing to give it time, afterall I have been here for many years already. If nothing more than sobriety comes from this relationship then not all was lost - I hope.
I hope this gives you a small sense of my situation. If you recall I used the term Indiffernce earlier.
Kind regards,
CoDeep
Trust was not the first thing to go for me. My AH always appeared to be a happy drunk. He never sqwandered money or went bar hoping. He mostly drank in isolation and was very affectionate and loving while under the influence; kind of a love drug of sorts. This is not to say that he didn't passout and hurt himself and his health was gravely affected by his behaviour.
Mostly what I lost was a partner, friend, husband and lover. He seemed to use alcohol to put distance between us. So I basically lived a life separate from his. I ran the household and raised the kids and did social things all without him. The only time in the last 15 yrs of marriage that we were a 'couple' was from the time we married until the day I got pregnant probably because I had a couple of drinks with him. So, I wouldn't say trust was a major issue I would sooner say that I was deprieved-love starved- sorta. I dilemma is that so much time has past that I have nothing to say to him unless it pertains to the kids, I don't have any physical or emotional interest in him and he is the last person I would think to call if I was standed with my car. All of this not because I hate him just because he was never available for me so I learned not to rely on him.
I don't hate him at all, he is a wonderful and handsome guy; I just don't think I love him anymore and haven't for 6 yrs. I am willing to give it time, afterall I have been here for many years already. If nothing more than sobriety comes from this relationship then not all was lost - I hope.
I hope this gives you a small sense of my situation. If you recall I used the term Indiffernce earlier.
Kind regards,
CoDeep
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Codendentme let me throw this out there and you do with with it as you please.
Next time you need something that normally you would have asked someone else to help you with, why not give him the first opportunity to help you?
We men are pretty dumb, even sober we need to have needs pointed out to us. Who knows, being sober he may prove to be helpful.
Next time you need something that normally you would have asked someone else to help you with, why not give him the first opportunity to help you?
We men are pretty dumb, even sober we need to have needs pointed out to us. Who knows, being sober he may prove to be helpful.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
CDM
I'm fortunate, I have a woman who loves me. She also loves herself. She loves both of us enough to leave should I begin drinking again, I think.
The past year of my drinking has been very difficult for me. Of course it was difficult for her, but that is another post.
I was so "needy" for demonstrations of love and affection and they seemed to be so hard to come by. I think I blamed her. I think I expected a hug to be an easy thing to give, like a "mouse click."
I came to terms with my disease a month ago. Since then we have virtually begun anew in some respects. Love is there, but trust is another issue. The healing there has begun, but god knows how long the gestation period will be. I simply have to accept whatever it is.
While on here a couple of weeks ago, as I was writing someone regarding love, it suddenly dawned on me. I decided, "When we become lovable, we will be loved." Simple on the surface, that statement runs very deep, especially in long term relationships with so much history.
I do believe that we can all be loved and will be when we are capable of being loved. The big caveat? We don't get to CHOOSE who will love us. Sobriety doesn't change everything. While it may be a victory, it doesn't give us the choice as to the spoils of war.
Best to you.
warrens
I'm fortunate, I have a woman who loves me. She also loves herself. She loves both of us enough to leave should I begin drinking again, I think.
The past year of my drinking has been very difficult for me. Of course it was difficult for her, but that is another post.
I was so "needy" for demonstrations of love and affection and they seemed to be so hard to come by. I think I blamed her. I think I expected a hug to be an easy thing to give, like a "mouse click."
I came to terms with my disease a month ago. Since then we have virtually begun anew in some respects. Love is there, but trust is another issue. The healing there has begun, but god knows how long the gestation period will be. I simply have to accept whatever it is.
While on here a couple of weeks ago, as I was writing someone regarding love, it suddenly dawned on me. I decided, "When we become lovable, we will be loved." Simple on the surface, that statement runs very deep, especially in long term relationships with so much history.
I do believe that we can all be loved and will be when we are capable of being loved. The big caveat? We don't get to CHOOSE who will love us. Sobriety doesn't change everything. While it may be a victory, it doesn't give us the choice as to the spoils of war.
Best to you.
warrens
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Toronto
Posts: 138
Originally Posted by warrens 
CDM
"When we become lovable, we will be loved." Simple on the surface, that statement runs very deep, especially in long term relationships with so much history.
[COLOR="Red"]
Very deep indeed![/COLOR]
I do believe that we can all be loved and will be when we are capable of being loved. The big caveat? We don't get to CHOOSE who will love us. Sobriety doesn't change everything. While it may be a victory, it doesn't give us the choice as to the spoils of war.
Best to you.
warrens
"When we become lovable, we will be loved." Simple on the surface, that statement runs very deep, especially in long term relationships with so much history.
[COLOR="Red"]
Very deep indeed![/COLOR]
I do believe that we can all be loved and will be when we are capable of being loved. The big caveat? We don't get to CHOOSE who will love us. Sobriety doesn't change everything. While it may be a victory, it doesn't give us the choice as to the spoils of war.
Best to you.
warrens
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