What Keeps It Going?
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
She went into the detox centre yesterday again. I called the detox centre just now and they were not helpful at all. It really upset me because I got the usual 'she knows what to do and she's not ready to make a commitment yet'.
I told them, she couldnt do this on her own, she is dying, not mentally capable. The doctor said he knew that and unfortunately it was up to her. He said, they were thinking about telling her they will reconsider letting her back there again because she has been in there too many times and getting nowhere.
I broke down, the fear of it, why wont she listen? The doctor, told me I had to get angry with her, put the fear into her. He said the 'caring' boyfriend was making it worse because she knew she could rely on him.
Well, what the hell do you do? Just sit back and wait for the phone call or not? I have been a big girl up till now. I think I know she will die soon and that is my biggest fear. Selfish, but I dont want to face that at all.
She is so beautiful, and it is such a waste - she could have it all if she just listened and tried.
Sorry, Im really upset.
I told them, she couldnt do this on her own, she is dying, not mentally capable. The doctor said he knew that and unfortunately it was up to her. He said, they were thinking about telling her they will reconsider letting her back there again because she has been in there too many times and getting nowhere.
I broke down, the fear of it, why wont she listen? The doctor, told me I had to get angry with her, put the fear into her. He said the 'caring' boyfriend was making it worse because she knew she could rely on him.
Well, what the hell do you do? Just sit back and wait for the phone call or not? I have been a big girl up till now. I think I know she will die soon and that is my biggest fear. Selfish, but I dont want to face that at all.
She is so beautiful, and it is such a waste - she could have it all if she just listened and tried.
Sorry, Im really upset.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 38
I'm glad to hear she is now in detox. It's a step.
If I had to guess, I'd say the doctor at the detox is making statements like that for their shock value. I'd say he wants to get the message thru to your sister that she can't keep doing this.
JJ, I hope you don't mind my saying this, and it's not meant to be hurtful, but I strongly urge you to meet with an addictions counselor. I suggest this for 2 reasons. First, a trained specialist can help YOU to cope with this situation, give you perhaps some new "tools". You need emotional support and protection. Second, believe it or not, there may be some aspects of your behavior with your sister that are actually enabling her. I had to learn a new way of thinking when dealing with my mom's alcoholism. I was shocked to learn the number of ways that I was actually making it worse, when I thought I was helping her.
Take advantage of this opportunity while your sis is in detox, to arm yourself with professional help. If it doesn't help to save your sister's life, at least it will help you to learn more about taking care of you.
My prayers are coming you way!
If I had to guess, I'd say the doctor at the detox is making statements like that for their shock value. I'd say he wants to get the message thru to your sister that she can't keep doing this.
JJ, I hope you don't mind my saying this, and it's not meant to be hurtful, but I strongly urge you to meet with an addictions counselor. I suggest this for 2 reasons. First, a trained specialist can help YOU to cope with this situation, give you perhaps some new "tools". You need emotional support and protection. Second, believe it or not, there may be some aspects of your behavior with your sister that are actually enabling her. I had to learn a new way of thinking when dealing with my mom's alcoholism. I was shocked to learn the number of ways that I was actually making it worse, when I thought I was helping her.
Take advantage of this opportunity while your sis is in detox, to arm yourself with professional help. If it doesn't help to save your sister's life, at least it will help you to learn more about taking care of you.
My prayers are coming you way!
Sunny Side Up
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Thanks Grace. Mmmm, I know. I think I was the one having the relapse the other day. Dont know why, but I just lost it emotionally again. I have been doing really well and on the road to being content again. Then, I see her and it just starts all over. I can see what this has done to her, thats all and it kills me. I know I need more help with it coping so Ill take your advise. I have spent alot of time hours learning and processing info about the disease, so I have a good understanding. Its just the attachment to her, I guess. We were so close you see, shes my baby sister and I miss it all. For me, its knowing that may never come back but Im praying. Thanks for listening as I realize that I was just venting.
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JJ the prayers continue, you know I can not really fathom how hard it must be to detach from some one you love in order to save them, I am sure you are going through what my family went through with me, in order for me to quit I had to reach the point where I knew that no one in the world was going to help me continue to drink or tolerate my drinking. I was at the point where every single person in the world that cared about me would do a single thing to help me in any manner except to take me to detox when I asked.
Vent away JJ, if it helps, we are here for you.
I am a bit confused, is she in detox now or did she refuse to along with the program and they turned her away?
Vent away JJ, if it helps, we are here for you.
I am a bit confused, is she in detox now or did she refuse to along with the program and they turned her away?
Sunny Side Up
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
She is in detox (went in last Monday and coming home tomorrow). They told me, that this may be the last time they let her go in there because (it has been so many times) and she wasnt trying.
You know I thought about what you said, "how hard it was to detach from someone you love".
I have an aunty who is the most wonderful lady. She has had bowel & liver cancer for 19 months now and many chemo's which is just keeping her alive. We dont know when but she will pass away probably sometime this year. The knowing, the waiting, affects you because of the love you have for her. Such a lovely woman, never smoked, drank in her life (70) now and it has come to this. I have seen her get sicker and sicker.
This is how I feel about my sister, and the hardest part is understanding why she is doing this to herself. Shes (40) next month and Im not sure if I'll see her for it. The waiting for her to have her last drink (you know what I mean) is difficult. Asking myself, how much more does she have to have before her strength finally grabs her.
Love, I guess so. I have known her 40 years.
You know I thought about what you said, "how hard it was to detach from someone you love".
I have an aunty who is the most wonderful lady. She has had bowel & liver cancer for 19 months now and many chemo's which is just keeping her alive. We dont know when but she will pass away probably sometime this year. The knowing, the waiting, affects you because of the love you have for her. Such a lovely woman, never smoked, drank in her life (70) now and it has come to this. I have seen her get sicker and sicker.
This is how I feel about my sister, and the hardest part is understanding why she is doing this to herself. Shes (40) next month and Im not sure if I'll see her for it. The waiting for her to have her last drink (you know what I mean) is difficult. Asking myself, how much more does she have to have before her strength finally grabs her.
Love, I guess so. I have known her 40 years.
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Where will she be going to when she gets out?
Prayers for your Aunt that she finds peace within herself and the world and that she suffers as little as possible.
Understanding............ one thing that in reality we never will develop fully no matter the situation, I do not understand why I drank as long as I did before I quit, I do understand what it is like to be an active alcoholic and not understand why even when I was not drinking, obsessing about that next drink, I do also understand what it is like to have a drink and before I am even finished with it wanting another one!
What I do not understand is why some of us alcoholics manage to find a bottom before we die from our disease and others don't? I do know that my bottom was in me and determined by me and me alone, I had people tell me I was at my bottom but I proved them wrong over and over again.... why? I don't know, the only explanation I have is that I am an alcoholic and today I know to the very bottom of my being that I can never drink safely again! Will I know that tomorrow? I don't know, I will decide then, today I know.
Prayers for your Aunt that she finds peace within herself and the world and that she suffers as little as possible.
Understanding............ one thing that in reality we never will develop fully no matter the situation, I do not understand why I drank as long as I did before I quit, I do understand what it is like to be an active alcoholic and not understand why even when I was not drinking, obsessing about that next drink, I do also understand what it is like to have a drink and before I am even finished with it wanting another one!
What I do not understand is why some of us alcoholics manage to find a bottom before we die from our disease and others don't? I do know that my bottom was in me and determined by me and me alone, I had people tell me I was at my bottom but I proved them wrong over and over again.... why? I don't know, the only explanation I have is that I am an alcoholic and today I know to the very bottom of my being that I can never drink safely again! Will I know that tomorrow? I don't know, I will decide then, today I know.
Sunny Side Up
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Thanks Taz
I think I do understand what you just said. The reality of 'cant change anyone" the same in any relationship. We are all individuals and I believe we all run our own race. I believe if you cant be happy within yourself, who else is going to be happy for you. As I said, I think now after all these years, everything we have gone through, her addiction and she cant be helped. The fact I have to face 'what could be'. You see, I have never been a person who assumes or predicts. Ive always said to my kids, there is no such thing as what if and cant means you have tried all and it is impossible. Probably too easy, but it worked for me. All about wanting, I suppose.
My as came out of detox last Friday, one day sober and called me stonkered Sunday night. This is what I mean, she just goes to detox to mend a little and starts binging again. Kind of ridiculous to me, do you understand it? She never sets up a live in rehab before she goes in knowing the rehabs in Australia can take up to 3 months to get into.
I think I do understand what you just said. The reality of 'cant change anyone" the same in any relationship. We are all individuals and I believe we all run our own race. I believe if you cant be happy within yourself, who else is going to be happy for you. As I said, I think now after all these years, everything we have gone through, her addiction and she cant be helped. The fact I have to face 'what could be'. You see, I have never been a person who assumes or predicts. Ive always said to my kids, there is no such thing as what if and cant means you have tried all and it is impossible. Probably too easy, but it worked for me. All about wanting, I suppose.
My as came out of detox last Friday, one day sober and called me stonkered Sunday night. This is what I mean, she just goes to detox to mend a little and starts binging again. Kind of ridiculous to me, do you understand it? She never sets up a live in rehab before she goes in knowing the rehabs in Australia can take up to 3 months to get into.
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JJ my heart goes out to you, I along with everyone else here wishes we could give you an answer, but the only answer we can give with any certainity is that if she is going to recover it is going to be when she is ready.
I really can not fully grasp your hurt and frustration, I know it is painful to stand by and watch this happen to your sister, short of locking her up what the heck can anyone do until she is ready? From what you have shared you all have done everything that can be done short of locking her up and throwing away the key to help her! I thank God I have not been in your shoes yet, but alcoholism runs in families, I have 6 children and almost 8 grandchildren, the odds are not in my favor that I will not go through what you are going through now.
My father and little brother recovered from alcoholism as well as me, my son is an alcoholic, he has not drank for about 5 months now, hopefully he will stay sober. All I can do is pray and stay sober, I was there for my son when he awoke to his alcoholism, he knew who to come to, I just hope that my others will escape from this disease either through not having it or finding recovery.
JJ there is always hope, that springs eternal. I wish I could give you a real hug! I am sure you could use one.
I really can not fully grasp your hurt and frustration, I know it is painful to stand by and watch this happen to your sister, short of locking her up what the heck can anyone do until she is ready? From what you have shared you all have done everything that can be done short of locking her up and throwing away the key to help her! I thank God I have not been in your shoes yet, but alcoholism runs in families, I have 6 children and almost 8 grandchildren, the odds are not in my favor that I will not go through what you are going through now.
My father and little brother recovered from alcoholism as well as me, my son is an alcoholic, he has not drank for about 5 months now, hopefully he will stay sober. All I can do is pray and stay sober, I was there for my son when he awoke to his alcoholism, he knew who to come to, I just hope that my others will escape from this disease either through not having it or finding recovery.
JJ there is always hope, that springs eternal. I wish I could give you a real hug! I am sure you could use one.
Sunny Side Up
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Thanks again Taz,
Your posts have interested me since joining here, mainly I think because of your compassion to make things seem clearer. The fact you are living your life. Our family too has a history as alcoholics. I can see how easy it can happen too.
I must tell you something though, I was watching a TV show (Dr Phil) and a 40 yr old male weighing 700lbs was just existing in his bedroom with absolutely no life. He explained how he gradually put on 75lbs each year and he was miserable. His wife and him had no intimacy for years and she was cooking all his meals. He never left the house.
He couldnt even get surgery to help loose the weight because he weighed too much. He was dying and because he had abused himself so badly over the years, he was unable to reach up and help himself. His wife had been enabling him with food, washing him etc.
Dr Phil show are now helping him with many resources & it will be interesting to see the finale.
I told you this because its the same and in my original post I was asking the detox centre for help for her and I cant get it. You are right, I have thought about locking her up but no one will take her without her permission. I did though come to a decision last night that I have to let go completely. Its crazy you know, I let go with my eldest son a couple of years ago but somehow I cant completely let go of her. I think I always knew my son was a survivor but my sister has never had to be responsible. I concern myself more about her safety than anything else.
Anyway, enough of that, take care.
Your posts have interested me since joining here, mainly I think because of your compassion to make things seem clearer. The fact you are living your life. Our family too has a history as alcoholics. I can see how easy it can happen too.
I must tell you something though, I was watching a TV show (Dr Phil) and a 40 yr old male weighing 700lbs was just existing in his bedroom with absolutely no life. He explained how he gradually put on 75lbs each year and he was miserable. His wife and him had no intimacy for years and she was cooking all his meals. He never left the house.
He couldnt even get surgery to help loose the weight because he weighed too much. He was dying and because he had abused himself so badly over the years, he was unable to reach up and help himself. His wife had been enabling him with food, washing him etc.
Dr Phil show are now helping him with many resources & it will be interesting to see the finale.
I told you this because its the same and in my original post I was asking the detox centre for help for her and I cant get it. You are right, I have thought about locking her up but no one will take her without her permission. I did though come to a decision last night that I have to let go completely. Its crazy you know, I let go with my eldest son a couple of years ago but somehow I cant completely let go of her. I think I always knew my son was a survivor but my sister has never had to be responsible. I concern myself more about her safety than anything else.
Anyway, enough of that, take care.
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