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Is this "allowed" in AA..?

Old 06-26-2003, 09:56 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Right...

Another Day,
Well, my phone got turned off this morning. I suppose that's a good thing so Aaron can't call me tonight. You guys are so right. It does suck but there isn't anything I can do about it. I just need to let Aaron reach his own low, even if that means ending up whereever he's going to end up. I suppose the best I can do is sit down with him and tell him, "I'm sorry, I can't do this. When you're ready to be sober, give me a call...until then, I can't be friends with you or I'm going to end up drinking too." That's about it I guess....sigh. Life really sux sometimes. I'm doing ok though, still sober. It's ..uhm....day 5 today. The first week is always the worst for me. I just want to curl up in bed and not leave for a week. I think it's hitting me especially hard this time because I know I'm doing it for real. I know I'm going to tell Aaron to go away. I know I'm not going to talk to Jennie. It's a scary, lonely road to travel down but, it's for the best. I need to get the phone back on....(some habits die hard!) and keep going with my life. I was just telling my b/f I wish I was in school right now. That's where I"m at right now, he's doing transfer orientation. It would take my mind off things. Anyways, that's where I'm at today. If it doesn't rain when I get home I'm going rollerblading and then to an 8pm meeting tonight. That's the plan....one more day sober.
Stacey
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Old 06-26-2003, 10:03 AM
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"Selfish".....means I think only of myself.

"Selfless".....means I think of myself less not that I think less of myself.

I have often heard it said at meetings that "This is a selfish programme"......well......I dont exactly know what that means because The Twelve Step programme is one of the most "selfless" programmes I know of.....For now the "selfish" cliche will have to remain one of those things I hear at meetings that I dont really have any use for........Focusing on my own recovery is not selfishness....it is self preservation.....

Doing for others what they can and should be doing for themselves is in my opinion caretaking and enabling

Focusing on other people's problems is a trick I used early in recovery so I could avoid looking at my own problems and the things in my life that needed fixing.It is so easy for me to get caught up in other peoples lives and waste time talking about what other people are doing....

The desire to help others is part of what makes us human but I dont waste my time trying to help someone who is not trying to help themselves.I can focus my efforts elsewhere.

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Old 06-26-2003, 11:05 AM
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Originally posted by Peter
Focusing on other people's problems is a trick I used early in recovery so I could avoid looking at my own problems and the things in my life that needed fixing.It is so easy for me to get caught up in other peoples lives and waste time talking about what other people are doing....
Peter
This was also a trick I used when I was still drinking so I could keep my shame tucked away and out from the open. I believe it is very important to focus on yourself during recovery but at the same time learn from other's experiences. There is a lot that we have to learn about ourself because we have hidden it for so long.
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Old 06-26-2003, 11:37 AM
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You could be right...

Ya know, I never thought about it that way. It does seem much easier to me to focus on Aaron's sobriety rather than my own. I'm always trying to help others without helping myself. It's a chronic thing with me I'm afraid. I went into Psychology and Criminal Justic with dreams of being a probation officer to "help" the criminals. I have since pretty much given up on that dream due to my accident and the recent discrovery that, I was on probation! That doesn't exactly work out. I'm still in school now because I didn't want to graduate still drinking like I was. Things have gotten better but ya know, I couldn't see leaving school with those degrees with my job goals in mind the state that I was. Things are getting better over the summer and you guys are totally right. I do need to stop focusing on Aaron and focus on myself. It's really easy to do as long as I can avoid him. It's when I see him begging me to buy him beer and when he's drunk almost in tears because he "really wants to stop". It's really hard to look him in the eye and say...you're not ready or you would at least be trying. I agree he's not really trying right now, he's just out enjoying himself, ignoreing all the consequences, which I'll admit, is really easy to do until they bite you in the butt in the end. When you're sitting in jail sobering up for the first time in days, things get real clear real fast, I found that out the hard way. Aaron has already spent 3 months in jail for a first time drinking offense. It's the same thing I got arrested for but I only spent the night in jail, is that fair? Probrably not but, Aaron is on this mission like..the world screwed him over so he's going to flip the world the bird and drink as much as he wants. I do see 1 difference though, that I have been thinking alot about. When he drinks, he gets like a 40, which is enough to get him drunk, but not pass out. He is always still awake till the party ends, if you know what I mean. When I drank with him Friday, about halfway through the night, I had fallen off the picnic table and slept on the ground until Jennie burned the back of my hand with a ciggerette. Then, I compleated my night by passing out and vomiting on the kitchen floor. I'm not sure what that difference means, I mean...I guess it's just alcoholism in a different sence, but...I don't know. I will pray for Aaron, a lot. I will hope and pray that he can get his act together before he ends up back in jail. I will also start to focus on myself, and try not to worry about anyone else until I can get myself in a safer place (more sobriety than 4 days!). Thank you for steering me right, I sit and think alot about what you guys write on here, and I know that you're right. It's hard to accept but I know you're right. You can't help the world. So, be it selfish or selfless, I will let it all go for now. Wish me luck! At least I think I'm sober for today right?
Stacey
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Old 06-26-2003, 12:54 PM
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If you ask me, this guy has done nothing to help contribute to you getting sober, only make it harder and delay it more and more. The only one you can blame though is yourself for letting him. No one can make me do something or feel a certain way unless I let them.
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Old 06-26-2003, 01:15 PM
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Way to go staying sober for 5 days! Keep coming back, honey, and you'll be just fine...

P.S. Just another quick note...Why are you friends with someone who once burned you with a cigarette? If I understood you correctly, it was on purpose? Drunk or not, that's just WRONG. And this guy Aaron's on a path to destruction, and doesn't care about you or anyone else. Think of who these people are to you now, and if you truly believe it is in your best interest to hang out with them, even when they are sober. Maybe they were never really your friends, after all. Think about it...

Last edited by rockinsupergirl; 06-26-2003 at 01:31 PM.
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Old 06-28-2003, 10:38 AM
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I know I know....

Hi,
I have made a decision that I need to get rid of Jennie and Aaron. I know I need to. You are right, I keep putting myself in these situations but it's not even really intentional ya know? Jennie came over last night to hit the Friday meeting and Aaron had promised he'd go with that girl he was with the night before. Well, we went over there right before the meeting and he was drunk and said he wasn't going. So we went without him. Well, after the meeting (which was really good) we ended up going back over there to hang out. Which, in the first place..I know I shouldn't have done, it's that craving that if I'm not drinking I want to at least be in the environment. Ya know? I got cocky cause I was like...well, I did it yesterday, i can do it today. I didn't want to be the downfall ya know? Like, "I don't think this is good for my sobriety, just take me home." I don't know, i'm not good at speaking up. I figured that it wasn't too horrible as long as Aaron was the only one drinking, I could almost deal with that because there's a whole group of sober people around me. Well, we got there and it was the opposite, he had 2 friends over and they were both drinking. Well, so I sat there and paced myself...telling myself, Jennie is still sober. Jennie will be sober with me. Well, then all of a sudden we were making a beer run on the way back to my house and Jennie was drinking. Well, that was it...my body went into autopilot and I took out money out of the ATM that I didn't have, knowing well that things would bounce if I did it. we went to the store and I bought 2 25 ounce cans of beer, figuring that the sober side of me was like...sigh, at least don't buy much. Well, we got back here and I just sat in the living room, surrounded by people getting drunk with the can in my hand. It took everything I had inside myself to just sit there. And that's what I did, I sat with the can in my hand playing with the little tab but didn't open it. I watched the clock and counted every 5 minutes until Dave (my b/f) was coming home. Everyone left, well....Aaron ditched one his friends in the bathroom and we ended up taking him home. Jennie drove because she assumed that I had been drinking. I didn't say anything. Dave came home and was pissed because the beer was in the fridge, someone had left an empty beer bottle on the floor in the living room despite my many warnings...etc. But, I convinced him and after awhile of dealing with how close I'd come to drinking the beer in the fridge was driving me crazy, I couldn't handle it. So, Dave and I together poured it out. That just broke me, I couldn't handle pouring beer down the drain and I just started crying. It was the most pathetic I've been in awhile. Thing is, I know I did it to myself. and I know that I'm serious about getting sober so, I can't do that again. I can't handle that kind of stress. It still has me out of sorts today, I just can't do that to myself. Aaron swore up and down that he will pick me up to go to the Sunday night meeting, we'll see about that. I might just tell him to screw off. These people are not my friends, they are drinking buddies, and nothing else. They aren't true friends to me. I can't handle another night like last night, I haven't been so stressed out in a very long time. Well, hell, this week has just been hell on me but at least I'm on day 8 today and not day 1. I am serious about getting sober, the all women's meeting is tonight. I have made an oath to myself that I will go and I will say, I have been sober for 8 days and I need a sponcer. Someone, please help me. Just writing on this board has taken a load of stress off me. My b/f is here trying to hang out with me and I'm just....I just want to crawl into bed and sleep all day. I'm just going to try and shake the feeling though. Oh, to finish off last night I wanted to invite Dave's friends over to hang out (they don't drink around me) but they were already planning on going to the bar so....that just further pushed me into like "Everyone does nothing but drink! It's a hopeless battle!" It was a very very rough night on me, but I know I have the power to stop situations like that and if I don't want to fail yet again, that's what I need to go. Well, I know I'm sober for today...I'm not seeing anyone, just going to chill with the b/f and hit the meeting tonight. Thank you so much for just listening to me ramble today. i'm trying to fix all the things that have caused me to fail in the past and the biggest is that, I change my intentions but not my surroundings. That's what I'm going to do now. Change my friends, it's not going to be easy but I know it's what I need to do to stay sober. Thanks for listening.
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Old 06-28-2003, 01:19 PM
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Lightbulb (((Stacey)))

When I hung out with drunks... I stayed one.
When I hang out with sober friends... I stay sober.

Your choice.

Congrats on day 8!!
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