A better way than AA to get sober, and a good life
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: witness protection program
Posts: 378
A better way than AA to get sober, and a good life
Is there one? I have been going to AA for a few years and got my sobriety there. I haven't seen any alcoholic I know go between practicing and AA and manage to stay sober for the long haul yet. I wonder, is there another way? If AA has been working for me so far, I see no need to change. What I wonder is how you can be a recovering alcoholic/addict and seamlessly integrate yourself either back into your "old friends" and just not drink, or become a "normie" and get a bunch of friends who are inbetween alcoholism/addiction and recovery. I just don't know how I could go through the week without talking to someone else in recovery... but I guess people who find a "better" or "easier, softer" way must have to. Thoughts?
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,051
I dunno Bob, AA works great for me, and while I still have a few friends around from my past I've made so many new ones from several 12-Step programs of recovery that I really enjoy spending time with. Recovery in AA and also in CoDA is the easier, softer way that I found. I see no reason to change either, and I'm happy to hear that it works well for you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,697
Oh, I know a couple of folks who have had the problem bad enough to end up in rehab, or jail or whatever. They got some answers (or scared enough to ever want to 'go there' again), got their lives back together and left it all behind, went on with their lives with just not drinking.
They had very bad problems with alcohol - but they aren't alcoholic. Their drinking days are more of a sore spot in their lives rather than a useful tool in helping others, they seem to forget (or want to) what it was like to have alcohol ruin their lives.
They had very bad problems with alcohol - but they aren't alcoholic. Their drinking days are more of a sore spot in their lives rather than a useful tool in helping others, they seem to forget (or want to) what it was like to have alcohol ruin their lives.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I haven't seen any alcoholic I know go between practicing and AA and manage to stay sober for the long haul yet.
I'm not sure exactly what you want to know. I started out making friends in the fellowship, no actually LEARNING how to make TRUE FRIENDS with some folks in the fellowship, and with those skills was able to start making friends and do things with folks that weren't addicted.
Everything takes time. It is an ongoing, life long progress.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,002
I know of a couple people who were able to get sober by finding God and joining a church. They may not works the steps exactly like we do but they help others and involve themselves in their church. I guess it kinda like what Dr. Silkworth calls "moral psychology", in the Doctors Opinion.
Tom
Tom
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Oxnard, CA
Posts: 38
I'm not sober but AA just wasn't my cup of tea. However, I didn't go shopping for many other groups.
Counseling and loving support helped me the most but I had already caused too much damage to close relationships that I had to move on. Which made the drinking come back of course. If you can try therapy.
Counseling and loving support helped me the most but I had already caused too much damage to close relationships that I had to move on. Which made the drinking come back of course. If you can try therapy.
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
I was in and out of mental institutions and therapy for fifteen years before getting sober. I tried straight up religion, self-help in many forms (I kept most of the books - and I have shelves filled with what didn't work for me), REBT, antibuse, doing only drugs (yeah, that worked real well), going on health kicks, having kids, getting married, getting divorced, moving out of state, moving back home, changing jobs, getting out of the workforce, going to school, psychotropic drugs, hallucinogenic drugs, hiking, joining the PTO, growing roses..... the list is pretty long. Each one of those ways was supposed to help me get control of my life, but none of them got or kept me sober. That's me. If any of those methods, or any other method, works for someone else, my hat's off to 'em.
The only way I found any measure of manageability in my life was to take the twelve steps with a trusted sponsor, develop a relationship with my HP, and work with others. My life today, just five short years sober, resembles little what it did before I surrendered and realized I couldn't do it any of the many ways I tried. The only way that I am absolutely sure that the me from then and the me from now are connected is that the dreams I thought were dust then are coming true now.
If you're not seeing anyone in your AA groups stay sober, perhaps you should go to a few out of town meetings? The area where I got sober had very few people with time, but if I drove half an hour, I found a bunch of oldtimers who were very willing to share what they had. When they started hearing us "out-of-towners" talk about the lack of sobriety, several started making the trip over for meetings.
On the other hand, if you find something that works for you, good for you. Just know that there is good, quality sobriety in AA and our lives do get better.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
The only way I found any measure of manageability in my life was to take the twelve steps with a trusted sponsor, develop a relationship with my HP, and work with others. My life today, just five short years sober, resembles little what it did before I surrendered and realized I couldn't do it any of the many ways I tried. The only way that I am absolutely sure that the me from then and the me from now are connected is that the dreams I thought were dust then are coming true now.
If you're not seeing anyone in your AA groups stay sober, perhaps you should go to a few out of town meetings? The area where I got sober had very few people with time, but if I drove half an hour, I found a bunch of oldtimers who were very willing to share what they had. When they started hearing us "out-of-towners" talk about the lack of sobriety, several started making the trip over for meetings.
On the other hand, if you find something that works for you, good for you. Just know that there is good, quality sobriety in AA and our lives do get better.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Originally Posted by Sugah 
I was in and out of mental institutions and therapy for fifteen years before getting sober. I tried straight up religion, self-help in many forms (I kept most of the books - and I have shelves filled with what didn't work for me), REBT, antibuse, doing only drugs (yeah, that worked real well), going on health kicks, having kids, getting married, getting divorced, moving out of state, moving back home, changing jobs, getting out of the workforce, going to school, psychotropic drugs, hallucinogenic drugs, hiking, joining the PTO, growing roses..... the list is pretty long. Each one of those ways was supposed to help me get control of my life, but none of them got or kept me sober. That's me. If any of those methods, or any other method, works for someone else, my hat's off to 'em.
The only way I found any measure of manageability in my life was to take the twelve steps with a trusted sponsor, develop a relationship with my HP, and work with others. My life today, just five short years sober, resembles little what it did before I surrendered and realized I couldn't do it any of the many ways I tried. The only way that I am absolutely sure that the me from then and the me from now are connected is that the dreams I thought were dust then are coming true now.
If you're not seeing anyone in your AA groups stay sober, perhaps you should go to a few out of town meetings? The area where I got sober had very few people with time, but if I drove half an hour, I found a bunch of oldtimers who were very willing to share what they had. When they started hearing us "out-of-towners" talk about the lack of sobriety, several started making the trip over for meetings.
On the other hand, if you find something that works for you, good for you. Just know that there is good, quality sobriety in AA and our lives do get better.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
The only way I found any measure of manageability in my life was to take the twelve steps with a trusted sponsor, develop a relationship with my HP, and work with others. My life today, just five short years sober, resembles little what it did before I surrendered and realized I couldn't do it any of the many ways I tried. The only way that I am absolutely sure that the me from then and the me from now are connected is that the dreams I thought were dust then are coming true now.
If you're not seeing anyone in your AA groups stay sober, perhaps you should go to a few out of town meetings? The area where I got sober had very few people with time, but if I drove half an hour, I found a bunch of oldtimers who were very willing to share what they had. When they started hearing us "out-of-towners" talk about the lack of sobriety, several started making the trip over for meetings.
On the other hand, if you find something that works for you, good for you. Just know that there is good, quality sobriety in AA and our lives do get better.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
I love your posts~!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Oxnard, CA
Posts: 38
Very well thought out post Sugah. I can admit that I can't manage my life. It makes it hard to look into the mirror in the morning. Reading y'alls posts is a new start for me at what I've done a million times...quit...so thanks for the words.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
If, these are good friends they'll support you and your efforts to stop drinking if however, on the other hand, they're just drinking buddies, you'll need to change friends,
I do however think, that there are people that do gradually stop drinking.
I'm not willing to take the chance for now anyway.
We've got a guy in the program where I'm from that, has 15 years sober. He pops in once in a while to a meeting. He got sober and used the principles of AA in the rest of his life.
I've stayed around to do service work for others. Gives me a sense of purpose in this mixed up world
I do however think, that there are people that do gradually stop drinking.
I'm not willing to take the chance for now anyway.
We've got a guy in the program where I'm from that, has 15 years sober. He pops in once in a while to a meeting. He got sober and used the principles of AA in the rest of his life.
I've stayed around to do service work for others. Gives me a sense of purpose in this mixed up world
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Oxnard, CA
Posts: 38
Thanks all for your kind responses. Sadly I have to start a new life to stay out of bars. My friends are very supportive but the temptation would always be there. I've tried just being the designated driver, handing out my number so they won't be stuck at a bar, being the 'guy' who takes friends home from parties and tucking them etc...but I want to drink the whole time I'm with them. I can't get past the phenomenon that happens when you get to see what it's like to be one of the drunks yourself, it's not as fun sober at a bar sober 
.
I was definitely in awe of the guys who came to the AA meetings I went to. They would talk about being sober for thirty years, amazing.
well, thanks for the quick reply...it's nice to see a community you can walk into and get such nice and informative discussion.
. I was definitely in awe of the guys who came to the AA meetings I went to. They would talk about being sober for thirty years, amazing.
well, thanks for the quick reply...it's nice to see a community you can walk into and get such nice and informative discussion.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Pugetopolis
Posts: 2,384
There isn't a right way or a wrong way.
There is a best way for me, and that is the path laid out in AA's program. As has been said, I have found it in and of itself sufficient.
But I am for any approach the helps an alcoholic recover.
Jim
There is a best way for me, and that is the path laid out in AA's program. As has been said, I have found it in and of itself sufficient.
But I am for any approach the helps an alcoholic recover.
Jim
Open Minded
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: NZ
Posts: 226
I'm seeing two therapists (counselors) - one for general stuff and have been for 4 years and a drug and alcohol counselor who I've had 14 sessions with.
I connect to each of them for different reasons. But I must say, the connection I've built with my drug and alcohol counselor is the best for this kind of work.
I'm not on drugs (anymore - my last smoke of cannabis was over a year ago and it was ages before I took that before). I do drink and for the last 14 weeks I've been deciding what to do about it all.
It's good to have the both of them because I can comfortably deal with my ongoing family stuff with my regular counselor and hone in on the alcohol issues with the male therapist I'm seeing.
I'm female and I've never had a male therapist before, I think it's that and the therapist's own experience (he's not had a drink in 18 years) that really makes me deal with it and be honest in the here and now.
It's been a long process and I've noted that the more honest I am, the more it gets to the core of the issue. It's not that I'm being intensionally dishonest per se but I don't find getting to the deep down stuff very easy. It really is a process of discovery for me!
I have social anxiety disorder and am scared of sounding 'stupid' or 'unreasonable' when I actually declare how I'm doing and how my though processes are going. I have been able to draw from stuff that is so buried under the surface and show it to my counselor and he has been guiding me through it. It's like it's so deep now, almost 30 years of binge drinking with little respite during that time.
I got caught in this process, I'll see if I can explain:
1) Was told in a drug and alcohol counseling group just before Christmas this year that only 10% of addicts ever truly recover.
2 The consequence was that I went 'on a downer' and really started questioning if it is *worth trying* - what's the point if the success rate is so low. Am I *really* capable of that amount of change, that depth of character that I can change something that has been so *normal* in my life for so long.
At that point I got really down, I was contemplating not going back to Uni to finish my studies, thinking that if I don't achieve as I need to for the next couple of months the worst thing that can happen is that I can defer all my studies until next year and concentrate on a daytime (not live in) recovery program. In my case it would not be a 12 step group, just because of resources offered locally.
During this time I got so caught in "can I really ever do it?" and that tied in with me dragging myself further into a pit of lost hope.
My counselor said I need to look at the studies to ascertain whether the 10% I had heard in the group meeting was correct. He question it.
Anyway, we talked about a continuum that are an option for me.
< full live in detox and rehab> | <daytime group therapy and counselling> | <me with my counselor> | <me on my own>
I've had extended periods of not drinking over the last five years, two years sober which I did with the help of my regular therapist.
Sorry if this all sounds so complicated. I'm trying to lay out the last few years of my process to maybe help in your decision making.
Whatever works for you - work it :0)
I connect to each of them for different reasons. But I must say, the connection I've built with my drug and alcohol counselor is the best for this kind of work.
I'm not on drugs (anymore - my last smoke of cannabis was over a year ago and it was ages before I took that before). I do drink and for the last 14 weeks I've been deciding what to do about it all.
It's good to have the both of them because I can comfortably deal with my ongoing family stuff with my regular counselor and hone in on the alcohol issues with the male therapist I'm seeing.
I'm female and I've never had a male therapist before, I think it's that and the therapist's own experience (he's not had a drink in 18 years) that really makes me deal with it and be honest in the here and now.
It's been a long process and I've noted that the more honest I am, the more it gets to the core of the issue. It's not that I'm being intensionally dishonest per se but I don't find getting to the deep down stuff very easy. It really is a process of discovery for me!
I have social anxiety disorder and am scared of sounding 'stupid' or 'unreasonable' when I actually declare how I'm doing and how my though processes are going. I have been able to draw from stuff that is so buried under the surface and show it to my counselor and he has been guiding me through it. It's like it's so deep now, almost 30 years of binge drinking with little respite during that time.
I got caught in this process, I'll see if I can explain:
1) Was told in a drug and alcohol counseling group just before Christmas this year that only 10% of addicts ever truly recover.
2 The consequence was that I went 'on a downer' and really started questioning if it is *worth trying* - what's the point if the success rate is so low. Am I *really* capable of that amount of change, that depth of character that I can change something that has been so *normal* in my life for so long.
At that point I got really down, I was contemplating not going back to Uni to finish my studies, thinking that if I don't achieve as I need to for the next couple of months the worst thing that can happen is that I can defer all my studies until next year and concentrate on a daytime (not live in) recovery program. In my case it would not be a 12 step group, just because of resources offered locally.
During this time I got so caught in "can I really ever do it?" and that tied in with me dragging myself further into a pit of lost hope.
My counselor said I need to look at the studies to ascertain whether the 10% I had heard in the group meeting was correct. He question it.
Anyway, we talked about a continuum that are an option for me.
< full live in detox and rehab> | <daytime group therapy and counselling> | <me with my counselor> | <me on my own>
I've had extended periods of not drinking over the last five years, two years sober which I did with the help of my regular therapist.
Sorry if this all sounds so complicated. I'm trying to lay out the last few years of my process to maybe help in your decision making.
Whatever works for you - work it :0)
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
For me AA was the easier softer way, I spent 10 years trying to get sober and stay sober my way and the only thing I achieved was getting worse, far worse, in the end I had no choice but to drink.
There are as already mentioned other ways that work for other people, there are people who initially got sober through AA and then maintained thier sobriety happily through some sort of religous means, there are others who have done it strictly through religion, others yet that have worked other programs, and a few rare cases of white knuckling it.
Like others here, what ever works for some one that keeps them sober and happy I am all for. In my sobriety I have found that AA allos me to find true joy and happiness through living the 12 steps and helping other alcoholics. My life today is happy, joyous, free & rewarding.
There are as already mentioned other ways that work for other people, there are people who initially got sober through AA and then maintained thier sobriety happily through some sort of religous means, there are others who have done it strictly through religion, others yet that have worked other programs, and a few rare cases of white knuckling it.
Like others here, what ever works for some one that keeps them sober and happy I am all for. In my sobriety I have found that AA allos me to find true joy and happiness through living the 12 steps and helping other alcoholics. My life today is happy, joyous, free & rewarding.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Cleveland Ohio
Posts: 290
What are friends? People you do things with. You have common interest. You enjoy being around.
When drinking...
my friends were the folks that I drank with. We did things while we drank like throw darts, watch sports, etc... but the main activity was drinking and drunkeness.
Now...
I am no longer interested in being drunk and drinking so I have little in common with those people anymore. I don't want what they want to do so naturally we drift apart. My new friends are folks I do things with regularly. My wife, my excercise partners, and folks in AA.
My wife knows all about my alcoholism
My AA friends know all about alcoholism
My excercise friends like to drink. Some know I go to AA some don't but I don't care.
I miss my old friends. I really do. BUT when I do go hang out with them I get bored pretty quickly as the activity is still drinking and so i enjoy the alternate activity like watch a ball game or playing golf, etc... but when the activity is over I just don't hang around as long chatting. Of course the chatting is to prolong the drinking and I'm not doing it so I just go home.
For me the path to acceptance of this state was when I morned the loss of my old friends. I accepted that I might totally loose every friend I had. Not by any horrible act but through slowly drifting apart. Some make this shift radically with a declaration. For me it has happened slowly over time.
I try not to spend to much time looking behind me because I might miss what is here and now.
I hope that helps some?
When drinking...
my friends were the folks that I drank with. We did things while we drank like throw darts, watch sports, etc... but the main activity was drinking and drunkeness.
Now...
I am no longer interested in being drunk and drinking so I have little in common with those people anymore. I don't want what they want to do so naturally we drift apart. My new friends are folks I do things with regularly. My wife, my excercise partners, and folks in AA.
My wife knows all about my alcoholism
My AA friends know all about alcoholism
My excercise friends like to drink. Some know I go to AA some don't but I don't care.
I miss my old friends. I really do. BUT when I do go hang out with them I get bored pretty quickly as the activity is still drinking and so i enjoy the alternate activity like watch a ball game or playing golf, etc... but when the activity is over I just don't hang around as long chatting. Of course the chatting is to prolong the drinking and I'm not doing it so I just go home.
For me the path to acceptance of this state was when I morned the loss of my old friends. I accepted that I might totally loose every friend I had. Not by any horrible act but through slowly drifting apart. Some make this shift radically with a declaration. For me it has happened slowly over time.
I try not to spend to much time looking behind me because I might miss what is here and now.
I hope that helps some?
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