Pilgrim

Hi MJ

I think I know what your question is about.

When I first went to AA, I wanted to learn how to drink socially in a controlled way. I didn't want to quit forever. That seemed so extreme.

Don't think about quitting forever. As I said, keep one day at a time firmly in your head. You are quitting only for today and may drink normally again tomorrow.

While you are stopped just for today, make time to go to a meeting. There, you might learn more about the disease. We are like people who have lost their legs. They never grow new ones. This is what you will learn.

We have to take our medicine everyday to stay recovered.

We can and do recover but that is contingent on not picking up the first drink. Being able to do that is too hard for us on our own so we need help in our HP and the fellowship. It works. And after a while life is way better than we can imagine right now. We will lose our fears, we will know what to do in difficult times. We will lose our desire to want to drink again.

Stay with us. Work hard. It gets better and better. I wouldn't want to be a normal drinker now. I have 6 1/2 months and normal drinkers never got what we got out of drinking and they will never get the sort of life we get in AA.

Grab the programme. Start to love the people in the rooms. Start helping the newcomers. O - and read the book "Under the Influence". That helped me so much with step one.

Good luck and well done on having those clearer thoughts today. Something is looking after you I think.

BP44

When Bill W, met Dr. Bob it is described on page 155," He had a depserate desire to stop, but saw no way out, for he had earnestly tried many avenues of escape. Painfully aware of being somehow abnormal, the man did not fully realize what it meant to be alcoholic." Admitting I am an alcoholic and accepting with full knowledge that I am alcoholic are two different things. Working through the Doctor's Opinion and the first 44 pages of the Big Book are designed for one thing.....and that is to dissolve the delusion that I am presently or ever will be a normal drinker. That's how smart we are. It takes 44 pages just to answer that one question. The reason is simple. Our mind wants to find any reason to say we are not alcoholic. Things like " well, I didn't get drunk everytime I drank." The first 23 pages asks me one question and it is about loss of control. When BP44 takes a drink, does the drink take BP44? See, I love these people who will say, I won't pick up that drink cause I know where it will lead. I have no idea where it will lead. All I know is that once I take a drink the physical craving will be activated and I have no idea when it will be satisfied. I may be several hours,it may be several days. Then the book asks me another question. Has BP44 lost the power of choice in taking the first drink? I go back into my drinking history and I look at the times when I was sober for a period of time and drank again thinking it would be different. I could not recall with sufficient force the consequences that drinking brought about. This is why consequences do not get me or keep me sober. The mental obsession is what dooms me to do the most insane thing I will ever do from a state called sobriety and that is to pick up a drink. It was very helpful to line up those first 44 pages of the Big Book alongside my experience and ask the question along the way " Is this you?" It wasn't long before I could put my name in place of the businessman, Jim, the jaywalker, and Fred and virtually anywhere it says We. If you're not sure you are alcoholic, you are bound to take the test eventually. Unfortunately, many die trying to find out. I would encourage you to spend some time in the Big Book with another alcoholic who has worked the steps and find out what your truth is about step 1.

Ready4

I had the same fantasy....and went out after 4.5 years...because I "thought" I could drink norrmally. 5 years ago...."life was just bad...divorce after 23 years of marriage" it just all took me to me to a place where I drank too much and I was "better" now. So, the last 5 months I "managed" it quite well.

If you call not telling anyone I was drinking. Only drinking while I was traveling...so no one knew. And then only 3 drinks. Hiding vodka in my drawer and sneaking so no one would know I was drinking....that sounds normal....doesn't it! At the same time, attending AA because I love my AA meetings. And did not want to let go of them. Not talking at my meetings bacause I was drinking. Dieing inside. Inch by inch....slipping a little more. Not going where I was 5 years ago........YET! Sure, I managed. No big bottom THIS TIME. No drama THIS TIME. YET.

Now, let me tell you about getting sober again. It has been difficult. I crave alchohol everyday. It has been very difficult to stop. I remember someone say....I am not sure if I have another recovery in me. That scared me to death. I have 21 days again. I knew how to do sobriety. I thought it would be "easy" to come back. Nope. I am an alcoholic. Always was, always will be.

29a

I say who the hell wants to drink socially? Why drink if you don't get drunk. There is no point. I say this because I'm a drunk.

I can relate to this post so much. After about 6 months of sobriety, i had the same creeping ideas. "Maybe it was my circumstances, maybe I'm not a drunk. Life is good now, and it's good because of me, right?" I hadn't been going to meetings and I stopped praying.

I decided to test the theory. I went to a bar, I had 5 beers and I put the 6th down without finishing it and left. I've never been one to not get completely smashed when drinking. So this further reinforced my suspicions. I called my sponsor, told him I was able to quit after 5 and that I thought I wasn't a drunk. He reacted perfectly, he didn't try to talk me out of it. He agreed, "maybe your not" and wished me luck.

3 weeks later I had a moment of clarity driving down the highway at 70 mph chugging a bottle of bourbon. It took 3 weeks.

They say alcoholism is a progressive disease. Problem is, the progression doesn't stop when you quit drinking. It gets worse and worse, lying in wait for your gaurd to be weakened. When you start, if your an alcoholic, it gets bad quick. There is no stopping it, no reversing it, no cure.

This is my experience, I hope it helps. I no longer feel the need to test my theories.

possiblyNuts

I don't think I could just have one or two drinks socially without it leading on to more. Some people can, some people can't. Trying it might lead to a disaster (relapse).. Personally, I don't think it is worth the risk.

29a

my question is, why have 2 drinks? what's the point. but that's just me.

f911

M Jorday, keep in mind abstaining from alcohol gets MUCH EASIER. Your are a beginner and this is by far the hardest time.

Believe it or not, the obsession finally does let up. It took awhile for me and I was beginning to think I was going to be the only alcoholic who would never feel good again.

Please don't drink and try to be patient.

jane