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Accepting the past? Hello all: Since I first posted a little over a month ago, I've been working my own program pretty successfully. I've stumbled once or twice, but have gotten back up and on the horse, and I'm proud of the progress I've made. However, one of the toughest parts for me recently has been coping with and accepting the years of reckless drinking in my past, and how my life is irrevocably changed now because of them. Perhaps it's just part of the recovery roller coaster, but this has gotten me pretty down the past few days. Do you folks have any good strategies or thoughts for dealing with accepting our actions in the past, and the reality of our present and future? Thanks. - rs |
we can't undo our past but, we can draw off of it. If, I ever forget how bad my last drunk was, I'll be picking up a 24 hour coin again. Vivid memories of that have kept me sober many 24 hours now!! |
Hi redshift, I had a terrible time coming to grips with the person I had become. There was so much guilt and shame. I came here, asking the same question you did and the answer I got, from a wonderful lady here at SR, was to journal. Oh, but I really didn't want to do that. I didn't want to see the words written down on paper. But, I was desparate and so I began. Everytime, I had a dark thought, a specific memory, I would stop and write it down in my journal. And, the memory would fade and lose its power. It took me a long time, nearly a year of writing, to get it all out. But, it helped a lot. And, in the end, I burned the journal. Forgiving yourself is so hard to do, but it is a gift you need to give yourself. |
My recovery program is Women for Sobriety, we learn that we cannot remake the past, and to sit and wallow in past guilt is not productive to recovery. We use the past as a guidemap of what not to do in the present and in the future, we learn from it, but we don't dwell in it. We all did things, we were very sick when we drank, forgive yourself. "I did then, what I knew how to do. And, when I knew better, I did better"..Maya Angelou. hugs Seren http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html |
The steps in AA are the answers to your question. Every step is in the order that it is in for a reason. And as it is said in the 9th step promises, "We will not regret the past, nor shut the door on it." If you are in AA, follow the directions your sponsor gives you. In time, if you put in the willingness, you will find the answer. Tom |
Originally Posted by Signal30
(Post 1671135)
In time, if you put in the willingness, you will find the answer. |
Years ago I adopted the idea that I live my life in compartmentssegments So far...there has been the child me...the teen student....wife and mother..divorcee'....worker..alcoholic and recovered alcoholic.. In order to move into the next part I need to learn and grow from each. Then they become a layer of the woman I am. I've kept jurnals along the way burning them periodically as a gesture of moving forward. I also used the AA Steps ...especially 4 and 5 to forgive myself and others. Prayer has always been immensley helpful to me. Good to see you here again....:) |
Welcome Redshift I can relate to your post, and I thought I'd share a poem with you. This is a poem that we read in AA, and I think I've recalled it from memory. Congrats on your sobriety. Keep up the good work! There are two days in every week about which we should not worry. Two days which should be free from fear and apprehension. One of these days is yesterday; with it's mistakes and cares, it's faults and blunders, it's aches and pains. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. All the money in the world cannot bring back yestereday. We cannot undo a single act we performed, we cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone. The other day we should not worry about is tommorow; with it's possible adversities, it's burdens, it's large promise and poor performance. Tormmorow is also beyond our immediate control. Tormmorow's sun will rise either in splendor, or behind a mask of coulds..but it will rise. Untill it does we have no stake in tommorow as it is yet unborn. This leaves only one day; today. Anyone can fight the battles of just one day. It's only when you and I add the burdens of these two aweful eternities : yesterday and tommorow that we break down. It is not the experience of today that drives people mad; It's the remorse and bitterness for something that happend yesterday or the dread of what tommorow may bring. Let us therefore live but one day at a time. author unknown |
Working the 12 steps of AA, prayer and gratitude that's how I forgave - and continue to forgive as more horrifynig memories arise!!! :) myself. God's grace upon grace upon grace really. Cathy31 x |
Hey redshift, Thanks for your post. I think that when I truly accepted the fact that I am an alcoholic, it became possible to accept all of my past as the result of untreated alcoholism. Certainly the top ten, kept me up at night cringing under the covers years after they happened, events were a direct result of drinking. But it was more than just those events. The general patterns of my life, the big and small choices I made, the things I believed in and didn't believe in, were a result of living to use and using to live. My life couldn't have happened any other way. I don't see alcoholism as an excuse, I see it as an explanation. If I want something different for myself, I have to change the thing I can: me. I can build a whole new way of living one day at a time and the farther along in the construction I get, the less the past haunts me because I am just not that person any longer. I use the 12 steps to do this. I am sure it is not the only way, but is a way which is working for me. |
Redshift - my advice -what worked for me - USE those memories. To become MORE. To do BETTER. Learn from them. Help others by sharing with them so THEY can learn from them as well. They won't 'chase' you, those memories, any more. They begin to MOTIVATE you. They INSPIRE others. They cease to be mistakes. That is the only way to change them. Stay open. Be willing. Do the work. It WILL happen. I promise. |
redshift I had 40 years of guilt & shame to deal with, working the 12 steps as written in the BB with my sponsor led me to the following promises be fulfilled for me after doing the 4th and 5th steps with my sponsor: Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe. If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. The Promises Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. |
Thank you everyone, very helpful and encouraging words. :) It surprises me to find that I've already taken a few of the steps that have been mentioned - I guess I'm realizing now that time is going to play a larger role than I had initially expected in making peace. Thanks again. - rs |
RS time is a big part of it, but change is as well. There is a saying in the rooms that I know for me is very true. "Change I must, or die I will!" |
This is a very helpful thread for this family member affected by the disease. Keep em coming! |
[QUOTE=Tazman53;1671679]RS time is a big part of it, but change is as well. There is a saying in the rooms that I know for me is very true. "Change I must, or die I will!"[/QUOTE] That sounds like something Yoda would say! |
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