HenryLG

Hey Guys,

I haven’t been on the site in a while, but I hope everyone is doing well. About 5 months ago I finally checked myself into the hospital to get medically detoxed. The drinking was getting pretty bad and after 20 years of boozing, something had to be done. (If anyone has questions about the detox, I’ll be more than happy to answer them. I know I was pretty scared of the process myself….) So far, things haven’t been too bad. Sober since Aug. 31. I’ve had some minor cravings, but nothing too bad…that is until recently. My wife just had our first child about a month ago, and I’ve noticed a big trigger. Any kind of parents/kid gathering really gets me. Whether is be a b-day party, little league pizza deal etc..it ups the cravings big time. In the past, I always medicated (haha) to get through those things, but obviously now that isn’t an option. And it's worse now that I have my own kid. Funny...I can go to bars, restaurants, hang aound others that drink and not have any problems, but this one thing really get sot me. So, my question is…do I go to these events and white knuckle it, or avoid them? It’s going to be very hard to bail on this stuff altogether in the future, but I sense a risk here. My wife says it sounds like I’m looking for an excuse to drink. Hell, maybe I am, but I’m not conscious of it? Anyway, any advice would be appreciated. I’ll be checking out the site more in the future. Thanks everyone!

Astro

Hi Henry, glad you're posting again and good to hear the detox went well. Ahhhh, I remember the days of kids parties, always hoping there was a bar or beer tap at the pizza joint, or that the parents had been thoughtful enough to have drinks on hand for the adults, or should I say for an alcoholic like me (?)

Thank God those days are over!

I have to remember that I'm going to those parties and events to support my children as a very proud parent in recovery. And I can do it clean and sober with a soft drink or bottled water in my hand. Yes, I can leave if I have a real bad craving, but usually I can suck it up for the sake of my kids and remember that I can do anything sober that I did when I was drinking, and usually I'll have more fun in my new lifestyle. After all, I'm not worrying about whether the other parents will notice that I'm slurring my speech or making an @ss out of myself!

If you don't have it already I highly recommend the book Living Sober. It's about exactly what the title says, and contains plenty of good advice about situations like these.

Scott

sugErspun

Well - if you be alcoholic like I am - take away the booze and things seem to get better for a short while - but the root of the problem is still there (I am restless, irritable, discontent with life).

It doesn't have to be like that. Your medicine has been taken away, you need to replace it with something.

Are you an AA? It was probably suggested in detox since they have so many people that go in and come back etc etc.

Jfanagle

Henry,

First off, congrats on the new baby and even more, on a one month old that is so precocious that you are already going to Little League Pizza parties!! Just kidding, as a father of 4 (now grown kids) who played everything from Little League baseball through soccer, including two that played football in college and one that rowed for USC, I have attended hundreds of team gatherings both very medicated with Canadian Club as well as stone sober for the last 8+ years.

Like everything else it has been a matter of MY FRAME OF MIND much more than a particular event. I will tell you that as your child grows hopefully he or she will not have to deal with your problems as well as their own, which are already monumental to a growing kid. I finally learned to be the adult and let the kids lean on me. In other words I believe that you will find the strength you need in the requirements of your child. They need us sober, not MIA due to booze.

Again, my hearty congratulations on your child and your growth as a sober member of society. Keep up the good work.

Jon

zoomer

Talking to someone just as you have usually does the trick in keeping the cravings at bay. I think about drinking when I feel great and when great things happen. I just talk about my cravings to someone who is sober and they go away. Being a new parent is exciting and we celebrate a new life. I use to drink over things like that and having 6 kids I drank a lot because I had so many things to celebrate! I've been three and a half years clean and done with having kids,so I don't get cravings from that stuff any more. I don't know if my cravings will ever go away when good things happen,but I have a program that I can use to keep me from drinking. I would not stay away from events,but talk to someone before you go and afterwards. Congrats on your clean time and new baby!

Signal30

Working With Others in the BB, towards the end of the chapter says it all. There will be times I'm out to eat with my family and I will see people drinking frosty mugs of beer, and sometimes I'll look over and sigh.

But that's about it. Right now I am spiritually fit. If I start not feeling spiritually fit, then there is something I'm not doing. If my emotional sobriety is suffering, then eventually my physical sobriety is at stake. If I'm at that point then triggers can be dangerous. If I keep doing what I am doing daily, then the trigger that comes once in a while passes quickly.


Tom

nandm

Welcome back to SR and congrats on the new baby.

My experience has been that when I tried to quit and stay quit without a program of recovery I found that the longer I went without a drink the more I had to white knuckle it. I found my mind was still obsessed with drinking even though deep inside I knew that drinking was killing me. If you have not tried it yet, you might consider a program of recovery as you may find that like many the obession is lifted with the help of a recovery program. Personally, AA has been the program that has worked for me but there are a lot of programs out there. Here is a link to a list of recovery programs.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html

jimhere

Hey Henry,
I you alcoholic, you won't need a trigger.

Alcoholics drink for all sorts of reasons. Some even make a little sense.

Alcoholics drink when they happy, sad, mad, or anything else.

Alcoholics drink no matter what.

Alcoholics also drink with every reason not to.

But the best reason is no reason at all.
Jim

CarolD

Glad to see you here with us...

justanothrdrunk

My son is a big trigger for me too. He's 2 - also named Henry. It's stressful being a parent. Nothing stresses me out more.

I checked into treatment back in July, stayed for 5 months, and now live in a sober house. So I've been away from home for a long time. I do get home (sober house in same city as my permanent home) often and do baby sit the guy from time to time.

Basically, I'm not very well equipped at the moment to be a full time parent. I'm trying to get back into it though. I move home in April.

Nothing stresses me out more than watching the little guy. Don't get me wrong, he's a great kid and I love him. I'm just out of practice with the tots.

If you are experiencing the same thing as me, just give it time. You're a new dad and that's really, REALLY stressful. Talk to your SO and others about it. Ask for help/support.

barb dwyer

hey justa -

hey - just another angle here -
I USED to be quite comfortable around kids.
They did, and still DO ..love me for some reason.
I used to say 'kids and animals - must be my scent'...

but when I first sobered up -
I'd climb the walls
to get out of whatever space I was being forced to share with 'em.
Dig a hole to escape with my fingernails right through the wall if I had to.

They ... just made me nervous as all hell.

I don't know if it was the pitch of their little voices, or their inability to be still for even a second, or the whole
"something's gonna get broke any second now" potentiality ...... I don't know -
but I could NOT ...
be anywhere NEAR a small kid.
Wracked my nerves.

I'm better with it now, but right at first - hoo yeah.
My stress - o - meter would shoot right off the scale.

Could be a nerve thing from detox and readjusting?

Just thought it might help to know.

SF69

Henry,

From reading your post I was wondering if it's the anxiety of the these new situations is the trigger for you wanting to drink. Because for me, that's my main trigger. Like you, I can be around close friends and family who are drinking without a problem. But if I were to go to a party where I really didn't know anybody, a club to try to meet women, or some other 'new' event where alcohol would be served, I know that would drive my cravings through the roof.

nolonger

Henry – “keep yourself spiritually fit,” like Signal puts it, is the best advice I’ve heard. As for why the kids thing – who knows, maybe all that kids’ fun puts you in a mood to f*** over all your responsibilities and let rip. Dunno. Good you spotted it though and can be aware and careful.

Generally on triggers, I am not sure I agree with this. To me just refusing the whole idea of a trigger sounds like saying “all humans are mortal, so therefore what’s the point of looking before you cross the street?” Knowing that alcoholism is not rational doesn’t change the fact that alcoholics need to take particular care in some situations. And that those situations will vary from person to person.

sugErspun

I think triggers - and trying to avoid/control/manipulate them is simply self-centeredness, the root of all my problems. If I think for a minute that I can orchestrate the world so that a 'trigger' never comes into my life than I really haven't gotten much outside myself.

If you are AA - take another read into 'Working With Others' - it explains that we stop avoiding life. You may have to go into your favorite drinking spot someday to help someone - don't let the notion of 'trigger' hinder your usefullness to others.

If you have put your life into God's hands - there is no such thing as a trigger. To me, relapse prevention as a way of getting sober is almost a gauranteed failure.

From Alcoholics Anonymous page 100-101 (http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_BigBook_chapt7.pdf):

"Assuming we are spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to do. People have said we must not go where liqour is served; we must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses; we mustn't think or be reminded about alcohol at all. Our exprience shows that this is not necessarily so.
We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status."

for emphasis : An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status.

further on that same page: " In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure."

To me, that means, trigger avoidance aka relapse prevention is doomed to failure - I will drink again if I base my sobriety on it.

great promises indeed.

nolonger

"If I think for a minute that I can orchestrate the world so that a 'trigger' never comes into my life"

This seems like a straw man. No one's saying "absolute avoidance, hiding away from the world" just taking reasonable care.

sugErspun

Reasonable care comes easy when one has been restored to sanity, it becomes effortless, no need to 'think it through' any longer. We stop fighting, right?

Intuitive thoughts/feelings/actions are not an empty promise of AA.

BP44

Here's a trigger for you, it's called consciousness. The Big Book gives one reason you or I will drink again if we are alcoholic and ONLY one....that is if we are not spiritually fit. Manipulating, avoiding, and running from "triggers" implys and awful lot of power for this alcoholic. Alcoholic's Anonymous is a program for people who need power. This is why it is imperative to understand unmanageability and that it is bound up in the spiritual malady. I am restless, irritable and discontent and when I take a drink I'm not that way. The concept of triggers comes from the same folks who brought us HALT and put the Big Book in the "self help" section at the book store. If you buy HALT, read Fred's story. " It was the end of a perfect day, not a cloud on the horizon". I could give you a thousand reasons for taking a drink, but the real horror of alcoholism is that times I take a drink for seemingly no reason at all.

CAPTAINZING2000

trigger was Roy Roger's horse j/k


We can and do use any lame excuse there is to drink

Think positive:::: What good reasons do you have not to drink today???

Nothing good comes from drinking for an alcoholic.

Can you name 1 good thing that will happen after you start to drink??

I can relate to being overwhelmed in situations like these

Even after 4 years of sobriety several years back Chucky Cheese

Liked to make me lose it.

When, it gets to overwhelming, excuse your self and take a little break from your surroundings.

If you can't slip away too much, try and be around people that aren't consuming alcohol.

First thing we have to learn just because, we no longer drink, doesn't mean every one else is going to stop.

Talk it over with your wife, drive a separate car when possible so, you can have an escape.

Just curious, why are you in bars?? Avoid the temptation. Why would you have the need to be in one?
Some situations such as weddings, there's going to be alcohol but, that's not the main focal point. A bar is for one thing only and that is to drink.

CAPTAINZING2000

forgot to say grats on the baby.