icaruskc

A few years ago I was a serious meth addict. This long chain of stupid decisions cost me every single thing of value in my life: friends, career, health, home, self-respect, etc. It's effect was unilaterally devastating. When I finally quit, my options were quit meth, or die homeless and alone. So I quit, and I never looked back. Once I decided I wanted to live, it was pretty easy for me to stay clean, because I knew...I knew...that I could not use meth and survive.

So now, just a few years later, I've gone and done it again. I'm an alcoholic, but only just...and that's the problem. I started drinking about six months ago and it quickly escalated from drinking some nights, to drinking every night, to wondering when the hell 5:00 was going to roll around, and then noon...etc.

I've seen this movie before, and I know how it ends. The consequences will inevitably come. But they haven't come yet. Of course, that's the ideal time to quit...before it's cost you anything. But when I try I have the hardest time taking alcohol seriously. My father died of alcoholism...also both grandfathers and two aunts...so I know how dangerous it can be. But at this point nobody even knows I drink (I learned how to maintain years ago). It hasn't cost me much of anything. So it's so easy for me to push it off. I'll try to quit and the anxiety kicks in (no DTs or anything) and it's just too easy to push it back a week or a month.

When I quit meth, I walked away completely. I never once relapsed. The cost was just too high for me to screw with it. Alcohol is proving much more difficult, even though I'm not nearly as addicted. I'm starting to worry that I'm just too dense to learn my lesson without first loosing everything.

Anyone have any advice?

unigirl

Hi icar,
I quit booze without having to lose everything - but everyone has their own bottom - their own journey. If you're drinking everyday then surely u must be dependant? Which is addiction in itself. Only u can make that decision though- i hope you do, not everyone has to experience physical probs, material loss and jail etc to stop- i just found drinking everyday depleted whatever self worth i had. I was spiritiually and mentally beat. Thats was enough for me- and many others. Y expericence all the YETS if u dont have to.? I wish u well Keep posting- this place really helps.

lovingseren

You are a "Yet".

You have "Yet" to lose all the things you listed, but you will if you don't stop drinking.

Ask yourself what you are waiting for, and what is the pay off for you that keeps you drinking.

If you cannot quit, I suggest you are more addicted than you are willing to admit to yourself.

I waited until I throwing up blood before I quit drinking, I was waiting for someone to "fix" me, it turns out I was responsible for myself and my actions all along.

That information suprised the heck out of me lol

Good Luck in your recovery, you can do this.... you know you can.

Seren

PaperDolls

Welcome to SR!

You're not dense -- you're an addict.

I don't think the substance you're addicted to really matters ...... addiction is addiction.
You know what the consequences will be and you know they will come. The consequences can be fatal as you well know.

I think you've taken one huge step in finding this site and admitting your problem. A good next step might be attending an AA meeting.

In my experience, I could only quit drinking once I finally decided I really wanted to. I was knowledgeable about addiction like you are as well. I knew it all along ..... that I was an alcoholic but until I decided I WANT to stop, I couldn't.

Keep posting and reading. SR is a great place with some great people.

PaperDolls

By the way -- I didn't, by any stretch, loose everything. Nothing almost. But, it was just around the corner.

I'm so glad I didn't wait that long because I once you round the corner it has to be so much more difficult to make it back.

icaruskc

Thanks for taking the time to respond. Yes, I am definitely dependent. I started drinking at night to unwind after work, and as you can imagine it worked. So then I started using it during work to unwind, and before work, etc. I take a half shot every hour or so. All day, every day. I'm never drunk, or even visibly intoxicated, but it helped me with my anxiety. However, now if I don't take it the anxiety is worse than it ever was before. So I've just made the problem worse.

This is probably silly but I'm having a hard time going to AA because I don't want anyone to know that I'm an alcoholic...not even myself. I feel SO STUPID. My family was so wonderfully supportive when I quit meth...and for me to turn around and get addicted to something else just a few years later....it's embarrassing. I'm just pissed at myself. I want to handle it quietly on my own without anyone knowing about it, but I can't seem to do it. I'm not sure I can look my friends and family in the eye and tell them that I've done this again.

PaperDolls

Why do you have to tell them? Eventually may be but this is about you right now.

There's not reason to feel stupid about this. Many, many addicts are cross-addicted. I was only addicted to alcohol because I enjoyed it so much I didn't even want to take the time to try anything else. I'm sure that if I had, I would have become addicted to other substances as well.

Also, it's not uncommon, if fact quite common for an addict to trade addictions. I've been through it as well as lots of people at SR.

Do you see a doctor about your anxiety? In fact, it would be wise to see a doctor about all of this. May be even a therapist?

Keep coming back to SR!

ANGELINA243

I am an alcoholic--who started using meth toward the end of my drinking days. Then I had 2 addictions to fight. I started attending both AA and CMA meetings. Alcohol finally beat my body into submission--now if I drink>even one beer--my body rejects it and I start having all kinds of physical problems. Alcohol almost always began the road for me to use meth....I was first introduced to it while in a bar. I never thought that I would get hooked on it--but I was wrong. You are not alone. We at SR are here and understand what you are going through. Hang around awhile and keep posting. You never have to go back down that path again if you don't want to.

CarolD

Yes...I too think a doctor is a wise move.
As you might know....withdrawing
from alcohol is a medical issue

Please read the top sticky post on this Forum
for information and some of our experiences.

...Welcome to our SR Alcoholism Forum!

icaruskc

Do you really think I can expect withdrawal after six months? I thought that was something that came only after a year or more? The only symptoms I've felt so far are anxiety and a craving for alcohol (or any sedative, really). Granted, I've never gone more than a day without it in several months. Can I really be physically addicted so quickly?

serenityqueen

Let me tell you about my little sister, Linda.

Linda was a major cocaine addict. She kicked an enormous habit rather easily. Soon after, Linda started to have a drink in the evening an hour or so before she went to bed. Soon that drink was being poured not long after she got home from work. And then one became two. As I'm sure you've figured out, Linda became an alcoholic. Less than two years later, we buried my little sister. She died from alcoholism. I am a firm believer that if one is an alcoholic they cannot occasionally get high from drugs. And I believe an addict can't have a drink recreationally without dire consequences that will follow. Addiction is addiction. Wet, dry, powder, rock, whatever. I started getting high at age 11 and hated alcohol. I never touched alcohol until I was in my late 20's. But eventualy when I couldn't get any opiates, I drank. I am a full blown, without a doubt alcoholic as well as an addict. The bottom I reached with opiates was much different than the one I reached with alcohol, but what I do know is, switching addictions is so very easy.

I hope you continue to read on in SR. I imagine you will get the answer, even if it's not the one you want.

God be with you.

Tazman53

Do you want to keep on drinking until they do know you are an alcoholic? If you are an alcoholic you are not stupid, you have a disease!

Alcoholism is the only disease where one of the primary syptoms of it is a denial of the disease!

I can assure you that your family would much rather see you going to an AA meeting before all of the "yets" of alcoholism start happening then after they do! You have already experienced the "yets" of meth, ask your self if you want to experience the "yets" of alcoholism or if it might not be better to go to AA or some other recovery program?

Man you are not alone, the rooms of AA are chock full of people who have been right where you are at today, some have experienced the "yets" and some have not, but they have all been right where you are at today and would love to help you to escape the bonds of alcoholism and drug addiction.

icaruskc

Well, I've quit. I'm no longer giving myself permission to drink at all. So I'm fully committed now and I feel pretty good about it.

While I respect AA for what it does for some people, I don't like it for myself. I quit meth without the steps and I plan on doing it again for alcohol. If I fail, then I'll reconsider. But for the time being, AA is not for me.

Anyway, thanks for all your advice. I'll keep you updated.

T.

PaperDolls

Keep posting T. Lots of people here at SR used AA or NA to help them. Lots of us didn't, including myself so don't feel like you can't be a part of SR because you're not an AAer.
Every one is welcome here.

I'm glad you've quit. What are you doing to help you through it?

icaruskc

Well I did a close reading of my experience before, during, and after drinking. I did this for about a week. I didn't try to control the drinking, I just watched it passively. There was definitely addiction at work. I never adhered to the limits I set. I did not enjoy drinking. The initial calmness was nice, but it made me feel unwell, and it was socially awkward to hide. I was drinking to drink, and because it was uncomfortable to stop.

I then took note of the cravings themselves. They were not particularly strong, but I still gave into them. When I was present (mentally) to the craving as something I was feeling just at that moment, they weren't so bad...it felt like I had had a very stressful day at work and had taken way too much cold medicine. I've felt like that before (from actually taking too much cold medicine) and the experience didn't stress me out at all. I knew what it was and that it would go away. But with the cravings, I would quickly turn to thoughts of alcohol to fix the problem, and as soon as I did the cravings turned frantic. It was the thought of making it better (by drinking) that was causing me so much distress. In other words, the possibility of drinking became a sort of torture. So I realized I needed to break off that possibility entirely.

I've done that, and it's much better. I stay attentive to the moment, and calmly label it: this is a craving. I try not to be too harsh or dramatic about it. If it gets really bad I tell myself: These are inevitable, but they will pass. You chose to become an addict, and now you're choosing something else.

I also use a cognitive trick I read about a few years ago. I was having a hard time choosing NOW as the time to quit. I'm still early on in my alcoholism, and it hasn't hurt me much yet. There was always next week...etc. Here's the trick...you know how people wish we could have another chance to do things over again? Well, I pretend that I was given that chance, and this is it...this life I'm leading right now. Only I don't remember being given the opportunity. When I think of my life as that yearned-for second chance I treat it with more reverence. If someone were to ask me what I'd do if I could do it all over again, I sure as hell wouldn't say, "Oh you know...get drunk in my room every night...maybe watch some TV...".

Anyway, that's what I'm doing. Sorry that was kind of long winded.

T.

PaperDolls

You never have to apologize for long-winded posts.....especially me. Trust me, I ramble a lot!

Sounds like you're doing very well. It's good that you noticed and acknowledged this early......I think there's this point that you can pass that makes it so difficult to stop the addiction from completely taking over you.

Keep posting!

sugErspun

In my experience - being an alcoholic had little to do with choice.

I can not choose to be alcoholic, I can not choose to not be an alcoholic.

This illness is not a choice, not something that I caught by drinking too much. That differentiates the hard drinker from the alcoholic....

PaperDolls

I agree sug ....... but I also know that drinking certainly feels like choice sometimes. When I would decide, "Ok tonight I'm not going to get real drunk, I'll only drink 4 beers", I always failed of course. It made me feel like a failure and that I just couldn't get things right.

The whole hard drinker vs. alcoholic thing ...... I give it a thumbs down. If a person, especially a certified addict, feels they are abusing a substance or are on a path of destruction then that qualifies as a problem. The label really doesn't matter.

CarolD

Thanks for sharing T.....

I really like the way you are utilizing
the second chance concept.

icaruskc

I don't like to position myself as a victim in my addiction. I chose to drink/use drugs over and over again. It's possible that I might have genetic/psychological dispositions which make it easier to get addicted, but had I not make the choices I made to ignore the warning signs, those dispositions would never have come into play. But I wanted to drink more than I wanted to be safe from addiction. So I drank. People always do exactly what they want (short term want, not long term). Now once we're drunk our decision making ability is compromised. But other than that, we're always in charge.

Alcoholics stop drinking every day. If they can do it today, they could have done it yesterday. It is always in our power to make the right decisions for ourselves. So the disease model is sort of meaningless for me. Given proper motivation, human beings are capable of setting ourselves on fire...we can definitely walk away from a bottle. It's just harder for some of us. But that doesn't mean we're helpless against it. It's just really, really, f-ing hard

Just my opinion. Your mileage may very.