Miss Pink

My ex husband abandoned our kid 3 years ago, to drink and drug as he wanted to.

Now says he has a sponsor, goes to meetings, but no other sign of sobriety...no interest in the kid,,,no gift at Christmas...nothing.

I lost my job yesterday so I take a stab at asking for money for my sons tuba lessons cus I just cant swing it. I say if you want to pay them, just send the money. I have a strict boundary of not coming to my home uninvited, and as he moved 120 miles away, its not a problem. He could care less about going to any lengths to go that far for the boy.

Today, he comes over, uninvited, leaves an envelope with cash for 2 lessons and writes a note: "For my sons tuba lessons, for my boy!. With love, John D. (Fake name).

Not Dad....but his name.

WHY? Why couldnt he respect my wish to mail it, why sign his name, not "dad"....why cant he respect that it hurts us when he shows up?

Is it his goal to relieve the guilt of abandoning him? To look like a caring dad?

Aw,hell, Im asking why an alcoholic does what he does, when I know there is no answer. Im just venting.

Rimmy

Hang in there. You know that we can't control the actions of others, only how we respond to those actions. I know there are people in the world that seem to intentionally want to drive us crazy, but don't let them.

Best Wishes

Pilgrim

Maybe try an al-anon meeting? Lots of support and advice for you there. You will meet other people in the same boat who can help you understand and help you to live the way you want to live.

Good luck.

Anna

I hope you are taking care of yourself Miss Pink.

I am sorry to hear you lost your job.

Tazman53

Vent away!!!! Some times I find releif at screaming at the top of my lungs out my back door where no one can hear me!!!

If you are not going to alanon you should really try it, you are not alone, there are far more victims of alcoholics then there are alcoholics.

Sugah

You don't say how long he's been sober & how long he's been working with a sponsor, and even if you did, it might not mean much.

The steps are a process whereby we get right with the god of our understanding, get right with ourselves and do our best to get right with those we've harmed. I know that I was eager within the first few months of my sobriety, but before I had fully worked steps 4-9 (getting right with myself), I wanted to start making amends to those I'd hurt. My sponsor suggested I not get ahead of myself, that the steps were in order for a reason.

I understand now why she said that. Early on, I could not have understood my motives for wanting to make amends, could not have admitted that my main objective was to relieve my own conscience, regardless of the effect it might have on someone else, and regardless of whether in making those amends, I created more harm that would require more amends down the line.

In other words, it's good that he's sober, taking steps to remain sober, and is working with a sponsor. That's a miracle in itself for an addict/alcoholic. If he's "not there yet," I'm sure that he'll eventually come to see that ignoring your request was a selfish thing to do. Or, because we lay waste so much of what's in our path, he might not remember, may not find the need to make up for it, but if he changes as a human being, will that not indirectly make up for disregarding your wishes now?

"Time takes time." We don't get better overnight.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Dee74

12 steps are great - but you can only work with what you got - silk purse, sow's ear...
Sometimes people are a*sholes before they recover...and some remain a*sholes after.

D

Spiritual Seeker

Try to flip this around and not torment yourself. Don't overthink it or second-guess an addict.
Live in gratitude that you asked for Music lesson money and he delivered immediately which is a huge improvement.
He prob. signed his name because he was giving the $$ to you, to spend on your son.
Yea ! you know your boy gets two more lessons. That's a good thing.

Signal30

There is absolutely nothing you can do about someone else's actions. The only thing you can do is control how you react to others actions. Accept the things you cannot change, but have the courage to change those things you can.

I see actions of many that I do not care for, but I cannot control what they do. Unless God makes me the enforcer of the world, (and I would so DECLINE that job offer), I focus on what can be changed, and that's me and my attitudes, and actions.


Tom

CarolD

Gosh...I am sorry to see that you lost your job.
Will you be able to get unemployment/food stamps?
Have another position coming up?

Miss Pink

THanks guys and gals,,,appreciate all your words.

I doubt he is sober...sobriety shows, and it doesnt show on him. Just *says* he is sober.

I am a long time alanon, have a sponser and sponser others. Doesnt matter how much recovery Ive got..sometimes it still just hurts.

I need to be reminded he gives what he can, how he can, even ifs it minimal, and not the loving way he used to be.
I did file unemployment, and am beginning all the postive, proactive steps in getting another job as I have in the past.
Alcoholism stinks.