nandm

Occasionally we get "lucky" and other people accept our efforts at control. When that happens it's easy to get the mistaken idea that we were able to control them and it was good. In reality, however, they were the ones in control of their own actions; they decided to follow our advice. We were still not in control. There is no other explanation.

If others do change because of something we said or did, which sometimes happens, we feel validated and this validation boosts our self-confidence. Unfortunatley, it also encourages us to repeat our behavior relentlessly. Face it. Others change only because they want to. Not because we want them to.

So why do we incessantly try to do the impossible? After years of observation, coupled with my own unyielding commitment to changing this behavior in myself, I have concluded that we attempt to control as a way of quelling the threat we feel when our companions have opinions or attitudes or behaviors that differ from our own. The greater the threa, the more we try to control.

But what we discover when we give up trying to control everybody and everything is that we suddenly have the time and opportunity to learn and change and grow withing ourselves, so that we can progress to the next level of spiritual awareness that awaits us.

A surprise benefit, too, is that by letting go, moving on, and living our own lives peacefully and with intention, we often inspire others to change in the very ways we want them to change. Ironic, isn't it?

A good friend of mine once said, "The more I force things, the tougher my life is." I couldn't agree more. Applying a stranglehold on anyone or anything does little more than wear out our arms and sap the strength we need to do whatever our work for the day should be. Accepting that we are not the center of the universe and definately not the center of anyone else's life isn't easy. It helps if someone reminds us that we are just another bozo on the bus, and that there is no shame in that. In fact, it should come as a great relief to allow ourselves to accept the freedom of living one life, one day at at time, in the comfort of our bozo-ness.


Excerpt from:
Change your mind and your life will follow
12 simple principles.
By: Karen Casey
author of Each day a new begining.

nandm

This has been so true in my life. The biggest problem for me comes in remembering to let go and not try to control or change others. When I just back off and let life happen and others be who they are and think for themselves I not only have the opportunity to learn but by not trying to force my beliefs on others I become an example for them to learn if they choose to.

My life is so much simpler when I just relax and let others be themselves.

Rimmy

What if the lack of change in the other person directly affects your own family... don't you have an obligation to step in and lay down the law.

I'm asking because I have an issue (not related to drinking or drugs) with my girl that I have been nicely mentioning to her and am often overlooking, but I'm about to blow my top because it affects my work, my daughter, and her ability to accomplish her goals. Is it different with family. Do you step in to control?

And I totally understand what you quoted nandm. It's something I may have just learned last weekend. I think you were more referring to getting someone to quit drinking, but the same philosopy applies to a lot of things in life.

*EDIT* That's a bit off topic upon re-reading. Sorry.

nandm

My experience has been that even with family the more that I try and control someone else the less peace I have inside of me and the more stressful my life is. Even with family. I say that because I have had situations where I felt justified in trying to control a family member. In fact both of my oldest daughters. But I learned that I can not control someone else, all I can control is my reaction to what they are doing. If I feel their actions are negatively affecting me, I have the right to let them know in a non accusatory manner how I am feeling. But I also have to be prepared for the fact that they may still continue the behavior. At that point I have a choice to make as to what I can do to control my reaction. Sometimes that is remove myself from the situation, sometimes it is just simply to pick my battles. Either way I have to accept that I can not change or control anyone else.

Actually it is a lesson that I learned through AA and have found it applicable to all areas of my life. Not just to drinking.

I found it to be right on topic. I appreciate your input. Thanks

possiblyNuts

I definitely agree.

We can't control people and force them to change, we can only be a positive influence, and give positive support. It comes down to the people wanting to help themselves.