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Wife of an AH...

Old 01-30-2008, 10:08 PM
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Wife of an AH...

My AH and I have been married for 16 years and have four precious children. I have dealt with his alcoholism in many different ways, such as joining in, screaming, ignoring, kindness, policing his every move, begging, pleading, etc. He finally decided to try rehab 10 months ago after waking up in alley without his front teeth. He came out and was sober for about 2 to 3 weeks. He went to AA briefly, I think he got to step 2 but then things returned to the way they were, except his moods were more volatile when drinking and even when sober. We have a no drinking policy in the house because of the four kids so he is always sitting on the edge of his seat thinking of a reason he can bust out the door and stay out all night. Ten days ago, he left going to work, kissed me Bye and told me he loved me and then never came home. He was supposed to take our 7 year old to scouts that evening and when I called him, he mumbled in a drunk stupor, "It just isn't working." Since then, I have only talked with him once and he of course says it has nothing to do with the alcohol, he just can't live with me anymore. How can someone do this to their family and not have any remorse at all. It is like he has no conscious. He has upset the children beyond belief and of course left me here to handle the questions and the fears that they are experiencing. THey came home from school to learn their daddy wasn't coming back and they just don't get it.
I just started alanon meetings and my daughter will be going to her second alateen meeting next week. My other three children are too young to attend. My daughter is so hurt and hates her dad right now, says she never wants to see him or speak to him again. My 7 year old son cries at night wanting his dad to play Xbox and then tuck him in. I just cry because I am in so much as well.
How can a man be married for 16 years and have 4 kids and then just walk out? How can he not see that the alcohol is the root of his unhappiness? I am trying to learn this in ALanon but it is so hard not to take it personally. I can't help but hurt when he says he is leaving because he can't live with me.
Any words or insights would be greatly appreciated. I am confused and although I do know some about the disease, I still can't figure out how he sleeps at night knowing that there are four children and a wife that loves him wishing he were home. I want to have that glimmer of hope that he will wake up tomorrow and want to get help. I am just so sad for him.
Thank you for your time.
Melissa
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Old 01-30-2008, 10:47 PM
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Originally Posted by melbar4 View Post
How can someone do this to their family and not have any remorse at all. It is like he has no conscious.

Alcohol is the "great persuader". It dominates the mind of an alcoholic.


How can he not see that the alcohol is the root of his unhappiness?

To the alcoholic--his life may seem like the only "normal" one.
The alcoholic is usually the last to know the problems which drinking has always caused him and his family. The alcoholic often times thinks he is only hurting himself--not anybody else. Alcoholics are extremely selfish people.


Any words or insights would be greatly appreciated. I am confused and although I do know some about the disease, I still can't figure out how he sleeps at night knowing that there are four children and a wife that loves him wishing he were home. I want to have that glimmer of hope that he will wake up tomorrow and want to get help.
Melissa
continue to go to Al-anon meetings---there, you will find the support you need. Plus, we at SR are here to help. Just keep in mind that you cannot change him--if he is to recover>it has to be that he wants it for himself.
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Old 01-31-2008, 05:10 AM
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Melissa I am an alcoholic, going to alanon for you and alateen for your daughter is a great move, I would also suggest going to some "Open" AA speaker meetings, this will kind of help you to get an idea of how are minds function when we are in our bottle.

My finally years of drinking my whole world was either drinking or preparing to drink, yes I had the wife and kids and did just what was needed to where I was assured a safe haven in my garage to drink, the world revolved around me and my world revolved around alcohol.

Anything or anyone that tried to control or stop my drinking were avoided at all cost, I blamed all my problems on other people or institutions, it was always bad luck or someone out to get me, never the result of my actions!

Melissa take care of your self and your children, he is the only one who can help him self.

You want to help him? The best thing you can do is if he calls you to bail him out of jail or any other jam don't!!!! Tell him the only thing you will do for him is take him to detox and drop him off. If he is drunk and calls tell him to call back when he is sober and hang up. DO not give, nor loan him any money.

The best thing you can do for him is to force him to face his disease all alone, he needs to figure out where his bottom is, the only way he can find it is if he is allowed to hit it.

I wish you all the best, once we have hit our bottoms we can and do recover, sadly some of us find our bottom 6 foot under.

Just to give you a bit of an idea of a bottom, a bottom varies from one alcoholic to another, for some it can just be a mental bottom, no material loses, no jail or the like, for others it can take the lose of all material goods, jail, prison, mental institutions, homelessness.

He has to find his bottom, as long as someone keeps picking up the pieces for him he will keep digging.
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Old 01-31-2008, 11:22 AM
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Before I too slid into the hell of addiction
2 of my then late teenagers were drinking uncontrollably.

Al anon allowed me to deal with their destructive actions
and 10 years later I finally turned them over to
Gods protection and let them go.

Blessings to you and your family
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Old 01-31-2008, 03:11 PM
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Best of luck to you melissa. I think all you can do is be strong for your kids and give them the best you can.
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Old 01-31-2008, 06:16 PM
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My husband is a recovering alcoholic. I went to an open AA meeting with my husband. One guy at the AA meeting said "Drinking is easy, life is hard."

I have found that I need to take care of myself, and let my husband take care of himself. There is a good book called "Getting Them Sober" that a lot of people on SoberRecovery recommend.
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Old 01-31-2008, 07:03 PM
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Thank you so much...

for all of the responses. I do have another question. I know you don't know my AH and can't read his mind but I am curious to know if they are only words. Does he really mean it when he tells me to let it go. 16 years of marriage, at the present time - things were okay here, not wonderful but my god they have been so much worse. I was trying to get off his back, give him room, he was coming and going as he wanted. Two nights before he left me, he went out and didn't get in till 4 in the morning and passed out in the chair. I didn't get on him about this. When ever he wanted sex, I was willing if he was able. Why did he leave now? When he was here, he told me to never give up on him, made me promise to never ask him to leave and promised to never leave us. He said this a week before he left. Are they just words or am I doing him wrong by just letting him be. I so want to have hope for our family.

Thanks so much,
Melissa
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Old 02-01-2008, 04:24 AM
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Melissa, there is no way of telling if they are just words, when I was drunk I said a lot of things I meant at the time that I wish I had never said because when I was sober I did not feel the same way about them.

But on the flipside there were things I said while I was drunk that were exactly how I felt drunk or sober.

With an active alcoholic even the alcoholic himself is not really sure all the time if he really means what he is saying, drunk or not.

I so want to have hope for our family.
Put yourself and your kids ahead of him, do what needs to be done for you and the kids. Do not let all of your lifes be put on hold because of him, cut the rope tied to a sinking ship and save your self and the kids. If the ship does not sink then it may come back and get you all or it may just steam away into the sunset. If the ship sinks you do not want you and your kids to go down with it.

Please take care of your self, if you are unwilling to do it for your self, do it for your children! They are the innocent victims, if you go down with the ship they go with you!
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Old 02-01-2008, 05:40 AM
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Thank you Tazman. In my head, I know you are right. In my heart, I just feel like I am letting everyone down by giving up on him. I realize though, I can't make him make the right choices so protecting my kids and myself must be my first priority. I am still in so much shock, I never thought he would actually do this. In spite of his addiction, I expected so much more from this man. I guess that is my fault though. I have been in denial for so long. I downplayed his disease and for that I feel guilty. I wish I would have handled it differently but what is done is done. I have to learn to look forward, it just hurts.

Thanks again,
Melissa
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Old 02-01-2008, 09:30 AM
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Melissa, you did not do a single thing wrong, neither did my wife.

The best thing my wife did for me was to force me to see what my life would be like without her or anyone else trying help me. The best thing she ever did for me to to make me face my problem alone.

Of course it hurts, there are far more victims of alcoholics then there are alcoholics. There is no reason you can not continue to love him and want the best for him. The best thing for him right now is to let him face it alone. If he ask for help tell him the only help you will give him is to take him to detox/rehab and drop him off.

You need to focus on you and your kids with or without him.
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Old 02-01-2008, 12:35 PM
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It sounds to me as though he is progressing through his alcoholism. I am sorry, but alcohol has control over him. It did me to until I walked into the roome of AA. If nothing else you may want to get a copy of Alcoholics Anonomous, and read that. It has a section directed to the wives. This will answer many questions you have.
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