reed

my mother had a disease that eventually did take her life. During the three years of her suffering, my father, myself, and my sister did some serious drinking. And many late nights there were talks of God and karma and so on. As humans we cant grasp this stuff entirely. I'm thinking that he probably wants to help you with your cancer, perhaps make it go away and he can't so he feels useless. He feels guilty perphaps (bout his thoughts) and your situation. Having a sick loved one around effects everyone in the family, remember. Drinking dont help. stay casual.

CarolD

Prayers for the two of you coming your way
Mega Hugs for you Grace

best

Hello Grace

Many times we find others around us don't handle the C word so well.
The word cancer can put fear into some beyond what they are willing of wanting to handle.
Just as Al Anon can gain us support for living with alcohol in our lives...
There are groups that that can gain you support as you deal with the cancer.
Breast Cancer Support is one such group.

In part his actions could be from his fears but I would be more concerned with his mental health with such actions.

Take care of yourself and your needs...let him deal with his own issues.

Grace

Thanks so much for your thoughts and your prayers.
I am just frustrated that he cannot seem to show me support.
I guess I need to look at this from his perspective.
His actions tell me that he doesn't care, but perhaps he doesn't know how to, and perhaps he is scared. Maybe he is caring as much as he can, and I'm very guilty of having expectations.
I appreciate your prayers and I will check out the cancer support group.
Thanks for helping me to see this from his point of view.

Tazman53

Grace first things first, his problems are his problems!

You need to be very aware that you are not the cause of any of his problems.

There is no reason for you to make excuses for him, trust me as a fellow alcoholic we are experts at making excuses and blaming others for all our problems and every one elses problem. We alkies place blame on others to divert attention from the real problem......... US!!!!!

You have nothing to feel guilty about at all, he is the one with the problem, and until he can become honest enough with himself to realize he is the problem, he will never get better.

Hon please watch out for your self, trust me he is watching out for his self and right now no one else.

Grace

Thank you for your replies and your kind words.
I understand that he has difficulty showing compassion, BUT perhaps some of you can help me to understand WHY he actually treats me worse.
This is not the first time that I've been diagnosed with cancer. The first time that I was diagnosed, he got drunk and threw me out. Yeah....I know what you're probably thinking right now. Why did I come back? Believe me...I've got my issues too.
But, honestly...can anyone even attempt to explain why he actually treats me worse when I'm struggling with a serious health problem? This is when I need his compassion and support the most.

stone

Hi Grace, even if you knew why it wouldn't change anything, would it?
You must be in need of compassion and support right now and he isnt giving it to you, knowing why not or wishing it wasnt so aren't going to change him.

I would advise concentrating on you and being as good to yourself as you can, instead of wondering why he is like he is.

Grace

Thank you so much Stone. I needed to be reminded of that.
I TRULY need to quit wondering about what he is or isn't doing.
I am having expectations and that is not good.
I've got enough on my plate right now.

YOU just gave me a light bulb moment. Literally.
Your picture spoke so much to me.
THANKS AGAIN!
Grace

Tazman53

Grace I am an alcoholic, but we are still individuals, I nor any one else here can tell you why he is the way he is.

What we can tell you is that once we got sober we are different then we were when we were drinking. The majority of us who stay sober for any length of time have changed and continue to change who we are for the better.

You really need to focus on your self, there is nothing you can do to change him or understand him.

Go to alanon, meet other people who have been dealing with alcoholics in thier lifes and learn from their experience and strength that there is hope............... hope for you! Learn that the hope for the alcoholic lies strictly within the alcoholic!

You have done nothing to make him drink the way he does and you can do nothing to stop him from drinking the way he does.

You are the only person in the whole world that you have any control over!

Please remove the rope from around your neck that is tied to him. If he sinks he is going to drag you down with him, you can not hold him up, only he can do that.

Rimmy

I couldn't say it better than Taz. The "why" is within him and it's not your puzzle to figure out, it's his. You have every right to let him know your feelings about his drinking and his "drinking personality", and he'll either work towards a better self, or he'll keep drowning his emotions with beer.

Until he stops drinking, you can't expect something from him and then allow yourself to be let down when he doesn't deliver. Focus on what YOU can do for YOU! This IS a time to think of yourself and assess your life, relationships etc...

I've learned that the more I expect that someone should act one way, the more I'm let down when they don't. The more I don't expect and just "accept" (don't have to like it), I can focus on myself and let others do their thing. I'm always gonna offer help and advice, but I don't assume that I can control what others do. Put the ball in his court and focus on you. Alanon is probaby the BEST place to learn from people who have already been through things like what you are experiencing... learn methods to cope and he might even get a hint if you are going to Alanon. If my girl said to me 10 years ago that she was going to Alanon, it would have forced me to look deeply at myself and consider the 'Why" of it for myself.