Rob B

When I was in graduate school, I spent a fair amount of time studying the human psyche and ego driven behavior. I stumbled across this article and felt it was applicable to our little community here at SR.

In light of recent discussion I felt moved to post this. I am as guilty of this as the next, I post this as an opportunity for us all to reflect

The Need to be Right is one of the most prevalent needs in our society today -from the political discussions to always needing to tell folks what we think about their condition, program, belief system or health.

Needing to be right all the time validates our self worth and self confidence. When we are busy being right, we are often missing out on learning about another person and really seeing them for who they are. We no longer are able to listen when we are hooked into the need to be right. We don't even care what the consequence of being right are and continue on our quest to be right.

The need to be right is a deep unmet need of the ego. We depend on our ego in order to stabilize our self-image and reaffirm our self-deception. Our ego loves to be right in order to secure more validation, but ego is only one member of the family, and making it the host of our inner house is like letting your 2 year old drive the car. We seek momentary relief from the pain of the early false beliefs that were instilled in us by always needing to be right. We think that just because we are right, we must be worthy. By making others wrong, you constantly get the attention and approval you need to feel good about yourself. God knows, I have done this enough times.

Having to submit to someone else being right requires that our self-esteem be secure enough to set ourselves aside and experience humility and vulnerability. giving in to being wrong usually feels awful, especially to those who compulsively need to be right. Their very core of being is threatened when they can't be right. Their survival is threatened at the risk of being wrong.

Needing to be Right all of the time is a defense mechanism that is protecting some deep feelings of pain or grief. It allows us to keep the feelings buried and keeps us separated from ourselves.

Needing to be Right all of the time means that you are judging and criticizing others to make them be wrong. Judging others says more about you than the person you are judging. What is says is that you are afraid.

When we are driven by the need to be right, we are driven by the need for control. You need others to be wrong so that you can feel good about yourself. You make yourself feel good at another's expense.

Being right allows us to exult in separation and superiority. The more you are right, the more you stand separate from and superior to those who are wrong. Being right may feel like you are putting yourself on a pedestal, but in life it is really just setting up walls and defenses against feeling vulnerable or feeling anything.

An evolved person doesn’t fear being wrong. Who he is, his very essence, feels right. This right feeling has nothing to do with facts or even knowledge. It is based on what he feels to be the truth about his own intrinsic value and existence. His life, he suspects, is neither more nor less than the value of anyone else’s. And if he’s wrong about that, so what! When he’s wrong, it’s still all right.

There's a big difference between being right and being righteous. Being righteous is all about your ego. You think that you have a monopoly on “right”; that you know and have all the answers, and that everyone who does not believe as you do is wrong. Righteous folks are frightened folks. Often they are raised on fear-based ideas put forth by otherwise well-meaning parents or institutions. They are wrapped up in their own world, unaware of other people. They don't know how to respect others because they themselves harbor nothing worthy of respect. After all it's ludicrous to believe anyone has a monopoly on truth or what is right. Whenever you feel the need to express righteousness, know that it's your ego rearing its ugly head.

Emimily

thank you. i needed that today.

Sugah

It's taken a whole lot of practice and repetition to remind myself, before opening my mouth, the vital question: "How important is it, really?" Sometimes, the answer is that it's very important. That's usually the only time I need to open my mouth when my view/opinion/understanding of the facts differs from someone else's.

Good post.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

bugsworth

Thank God for people like Abe Lincoln and Martin Luther King whom stood "seperate from" thoses who believed they were right. Thank God especially for the "egos" which must have spurred them in to action.

They did not have all the answers, but they did know the truth...even when the majority believed otherwise.

Being righteous is indeed frightening, claiming to know the only way, claiming to know how God works and becoming wrapped up in your own dogmatic world, unaware of other people and obtuse to the facts presented is being righteous.

Great thread!

nandm

Bug's, interestingly enough this describes your views on AA.

BaldHeadedJohn

Thanks for that article. Gives me pause to step back at look at the larger picture.

lostmdboy

This is a little off the subject, but my sponcer has told me " would you rather be right, or would rather be happy" I usually eventualy pick the latter. While I was drinking I felt that I always had to appear perfect to the outside world, because I felt so bad about my self inside. Now that I am in recovery that compulsion is still there, but now I can laugh at it a little more. Maybe in twenty thirty years I will have a better grasp. For now I just live by progress not perfection.

Yardbird

Thanks--another reminder for me that so much of my recovery is about discovering fear. Fear seems to be the source of my every dang defect, including righteousness. And maybe if we could see righteous people as just fearful, maybe we would feel no need to shout back.

I don't know if I've met anyone that far evolved though. It's hard work! Sometimes it seems like constant work. My sponsor had to remind me that the 10th step says we *continued* to take personal inventory, not *continuously,* since I feel like I have to do it all the time.

sugErspun

Yes!...The book says something about a business that does not take inventory on a regular basis going out of business. But there is the flip side of that - sometimes you have to get on about doing business, one would surely wear out if all they did was take inventory.

I call it (the business), living.

Tks Rob.

jimhere

A business that never takes inventory will go broke. A business that is always taking inventory will go broke as well. Because it is never open for business.

Tommyh

the 7 deadly needs by bear...ever read it Rob?

Tazman53

Please share it, I am open to what ever, I assume it goes in line with the 7 deadly sins?

Tommyh

Tazman,I`m not too sure about the 7 deadly sins and the book being related,probally in one form or another.
The book is one of a series of books written by Edward Bear.The books are written like we are "reading a conversation" between a mentor and a pupil,such as a sponser and sponsee for example.The 7 deadly needs of this book are:
the need to
be right
get even
know
look good
judge
keep score
control


Edward also wrote more books
The Dark Night of Recovery-conversations from the bottom of the bottle

the 7 deadly fears

Tyler and the 12 traditions- the legacy,the lore,the wisdom

the 7 deadly fears mentioned in that book are
fear of
death
abandonment
being a burden
unknown
conflict
intimacy
change

Tommyh

Taz

"did you ever notice that the guys who were right had all the pwoer?Parents,teachers,coaches,priests,umpires...T hey were alllways right"


"whats the price we pay?We give up peace,serenity,being a part of "....

"The need to be right seperates me from other people,if I`m right,you wrong.At best different,at least inferior"

2 guys looking at a penny
# 1 guy looks at it from a side angle.He sees the penny
#2 guy looks straight down on the penny..# 1 guy says the penny is more oval than round...# 2 guys says penny is round...

who`s right?Who`s wrong?
could it be both are right?

can a penny be both round and oval?

depends on where we are..as Rob says,are we so different?I love that tagline..

anyway it is interesting book to read over from time to time
but Rob has a very good post..we feel the needs sometime and we all might suffer a little (or more) from it.But in the end are we still so different?

sugErspun

The Dark Night of Recovery is a great book (finished reading it last week). Simply written and cites so many different 'sources' of truth.

Like you said - a penny is a penny is a penny.

mike_mass

insecurity drives my need to be right...(the coward dies a thousand deaths)

mike_mass

I don't share that view. In fact, I've enjoyed both your's and bug's posts for the most part. I'm frankly surprised you posted this.

matt88

This is a relatively well written aritcle. And I agree with the author for the majority of his/her essay. I sense that this latter part of the essay is the meat of his/her view, and I highly disagree and think the author's connotation of the word "righteous" is obviously a negative one and clouded with a pre-disposed subjective prejudice probably towards monotheistic religions, likely Xtianity being the main culprit. The author, as many do, is seemingly confusing "righteous" with "judgemental" or "bigotry". The word "righteous" has nothing to do with fear, bigotry, or ignorance, and is rather a freedom from self guilt, i.e. no worries.

Tazman53

I catch myself quite often in the pursuit of "Being RIght" at all cost, man when I was drinking I would destroy a persons ego if possible to prove I was right!!!

Today I have found that the only right I can be right about really is about me!

I am right about what works for me, I share that, I try to be aware and also share that it may not be right for anyone else but me, but it is right for me.

I will point out what I know to be right when it has the potential of helping some one else.

I avoid when ever I can escape "SELF" pointing out to some one what they are doing wrong if it is simply to prove them wrong and not possibly of any benefit to them.

I do the above a lot here, I will type up some reply and then read it and see that I am not trying to help that person, I am simply trying to prove them wrong for no other reason then to prove them wrong. Rather then post it I will not hit the "Post" button, I simply hit the "Back" button and back out of the thread with no comment.

I want to be of service to others.

If expressing my beleifs or feelings in some way tear down or insult some one elses beliefs or feelings in a manner that has no potential to help them or others then I am wrong for expressing them.

I work hard at not allowing my ego to hurt others, I work hard at realizing and admitting when I am wrong, I have been called down when I am wrong on this board several times, looked at what I had done, swallowed my foolish pride and admitted I was wrong and said I was sorry.

I have come a very long way, but I have much further to go in my journey then I have gone to this point. I am very grateful that we strive for progress and not perfection.

Tazman53

Ego!!!!