Alyssa213

Hi all. My situation is very confusing to me (though I'm sure it's not unique) and I'd love to hear some of your thoughts. I went to rehab over a year ago for an addiction to prescription pills. While in rehab, a counselor gave a compelling lecture on alcoholism and I started to wonder if I might, in fact, be an alcoholic. I never drank more than three drinks at a time (usually 1 - 2) but by the time I went to rehab I was drinking 7 nights a week, often alone. I know it sounds clear that I am an alcoholic but for me the confusion lies in the fact that I was *always* able to stop; I drank alone because i am single with a high-pressure job and enjoyed a glass of wine with my dinner; and I led a highly social life which involved glamorous cocktail parties. Did I black out? Yes, more than once, but prescription drugs--sleeping pills--were ALWAYS involved. Did I drink to feel comfortable at parties? Yes, I admit I did. But there's a part of me that thinks, don't lots of people feel awkward at parties and have a glass of wine to feel more relaxed? Is it really, truly a sign of alcoholism? I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know for a fact I was powerless over prescription drugs but alcohol, not so much. I stopped because I felt it would lead me back to prescription drugs and also because I suspected some of the signs of alcoholism were there. I absolutely love AA and have made some amazing friends; I also came into AA an atheist and have been developing a strong spiritual life; but for me, there is always an underlying, nagging feeling of, do I really belong here? Then, whenever I share about that feeling in the rooms I sense judgment coming from other members ("it's your disease talking..." etc. Or, "why don't you go out and see if you can try some controlled drinking?" which doesn't really answer my question, since my drinking always felt controlled). I never feel like anyone is able to truly listen to what I'm saying, or address my concerns. Anyone have any thoughts on this?

sugErspun

Have you worked the twelve steps as they are outlined in the basic AA text?

It weeds out non-alkies pretty quick. (i.e. - not being able to relate to a craving for more alcohol once a little is taken into the body of an alcoholic.

Or - maybe you are walking the fence and just want to drink again.

It's there for you to find out..I am sorry you group doesn't embrace someone who is questioning wether they be alcoholic or not...it is often a topic at my group- "Am I really an alcoholic?"

Its a question that needs to be asked more than once, in my opinion.

reed

hello...I was recently in rehab and recall being told that if one has a drug problem that they are alcoholic...but anyway if you have been sober a year or so, why bother with it anyway? If you decide to drink and sense you have a problem get help.... thats all i got.

Alyssa213

Hi, thanks for your response. I am currently on Step Six (though realistically, I should be on Step One since I haven't completely admitted powerlessness). I never had cravings for more once I'd had a little; and there are many, many more things I simply don't relate to in the program. Where i'm at, really, is this: Deep down, I suspect I'm not an alcoholic, though I AM an addict: Pills, debt, etc. Do I think I could become a full-blown alcoholic? Possibly (probably?). Right now, I'm in the program because I recognize that it's a great way to live and I want the spiritual solution. To be honest, I don't miss alcohol all that much and can live just fine without it; and I also know that my thinking was twisted and I recognize my life getting better and my thinking improving just from living the AA way of life. My main issue is that I so often feel like a fraud in the rooms, and feel like I can't share what I'm really feeling for fear that I'll be labeled in denial, etc. On the other hand, that's probably just my codependence talking... I know the rooms are there for each individual and that truly healthy winners don't judge anyone for their specific issues or journey...

CarolD

Welcome to our SR community.

If your life is now improving and you enjoy AA
I see no reason for a change.

Why add a toxic substance into your healthy body?

PaperDolls

Alyssa -- I can really relate to some of what you're saying. I don't attend AA but I can understand, in your situation feeling like a fraud, although I don't think you are.

You ARE an addict. You can admit that and that's great. My feeling is that an addict could be come addicted to any substance. My doc was alcohol....for sure once I had a little I wanted/needed more. Just one drink is almost torture. I have experimented with some other drugs but I think by the grace of God, none of them captured my heart like a nice cold beer. I have a feeling that if I had continued experimenting I would have ended up and alkie and a drug addict.

I feel like since I don't attend AA I might be off on my answer here but I know someone can correct me.....and please do. Alyssa, why not attend NA instead of AA? I know sometimes location is the problem. I'm just wondering if you might feel more at home there, not feel like a fraud. With NA I know that using ANY other substance besides your DOC can be very much frowned upon but, I suppose just like life, I think there are some NAers that think differently. I hope someone from NA around here let's me know if I'm WAY off base.

Drinking alone 7 nights a week, even if it just a glass or 2 of wine doesn't make a person an alcoholic but I think it's walking a fine line. Especially for an admitted addict, it could end up being a replacement for the pills. As a matter of fact: after I quit drinking, I got a little crazy with some of my prescribed pills for a while. I was abusing them for sure. Luckily, along with some honesty to my Dr. and his help, I didn't let it continue

I hope you find your comfort level on this. I really understand the struggle you have inside. I don't say "I'm an alcoholic". I know that drinking causes problems in my life, I can't stop once I start, I blackout 97% of the time, I used alcohol to drown my feelings (or problems) away, I've done things while drunk I wouldn't want anyone to know about.......so yeah, I can tell you all of that which clearly indicates I am an alcoholic but still........I just like to say "My doc was..." OR "I have a drinking problem...". A fear I suppose.......boy I need to get back to my therapist.

I'm sorry for the long rambling post. I've been known to do that.
If you're still with me ..... Welcome to SoberRecovery! You might consider
also posting a thread in the NA section.

hugs

sugErspun

I hope you can find the answer deep down within..it will be better for you and your fellows.

I assume you have someone you work with - a sponsor - be honest with them, they deserve that much at least. Explain that you don't want to try controlled drinkinig but think maybe you are one who could quit entirely..

Honest - the bestest of policies.

Thank you for you post - very though provoking. I think every AA should consider if they are #1 really alcoholic and if not - #2 - Why are they taking a seat in the rooms.


Honestly - you are going through a wonderful process. The spiritual will come. if you strive for it.

Alyssa213

Thank you, all, truly, for your kind and honest replies. I like the suggestion about attending NA; that's a good idea and I will try it (why not?) And I do work with a sponsor; she's absolutely amazing and embodies the program, but I think I need to get a bit more honest with her. I think I'm trying not to disappoint her by not admitting to these reservations I've been having. Also IIm' afraid she won't let me continue working the steps because I haven't admitted powerlessness. All that said, I know I'm powerless over prescription drugs and as someone else said in their post, it's all the same stuff. Powerless over prescription drugs probably means I'm powerless over everything else. Thanks again, everyone, I'm headed to bed.

PaperDolls

:ghug3

get honest girl!

I think sugErspun said it bestest.

possiblyNuts

I've been wondering the same thing about myself. I'm fairly certain that I'm more of a heavy drinker rather than an alcoholic. I've never blacked out either from alcohol alone (only a boatload of pharmies + alcohol have ever had that effect on me).

laurie6781

YET.

There was a time when I was practicing my alcoholism and drug addiction that I too could say that, however, did not realize at that time there were a lot of "YETS" still to come, and they did!!!!

It never gets better, only worse.

Your choice. Obviously you feel you may have some kind of problem or you wouldn't be here, so why not give abstinence a good long try and see how you feel without all the toxins in your body?

Just a thought.

Love and hugs,

Signal30

When I start doubting if I'm an alcoholic, that means that I'm slacking off with my emotional sobriety. I'm either doing something wrong, or not doing anything, (I would suspect the latter.) If I doubt that I'm an alcoholic, than that means that I would be thinking about drinking again. Then my physical sobriety would also be at risk.

Alcoholism is a disease that will get stronger, (doing push-ups). If you do not continue to use the tools to combat them, you will usually drink again. Being spiritually fit takes daily effort. When you start slipping on the steps the alcoholism will take over.

In other words. My alcoholism tells me all the time that I'm not an alcoholic.


Tom

Tazman53

Alyssa as some one else suggested check out some NA meetings, also as you plan on doing get honest with your sponsor, brutally honest.

If you have doubts about being an alcoholic but no doubt about being an addict it changes very very little in the grand scheme of of things.

You obviously have step one down pat when it comes to drugs, go with it.

I am an alcoholic, this I know by the AA definition and the medical definition, being an alcoholic I am very aware that I need to avoid drugs of any type unless prescribed by a doctor and taken as directed. Why? Because I know darn well that if I copped a buzz from smoking some dope I am very likely going to pick up a drink to get the buzz my alcoholism really wants. Drugs I am sure would lead me to drinking again. I have heard way to many folks in the rooms share how they relapsed after smoking a little dope.

In NA you will find that part of being clean is not drinking, one reason being is that alcohol is a drug! Also because just like an alcoholic needing to avoid drugs to maintain thier sobriety, addicts need to avoid alcohol because that sets them up for a relapse, get a bit buzzed off of some booze and that old feeling of wanting to pop a few pills starts sounding like a good idea.

NA or AA, neither one views using or drinking as being clean & sober.

In my area there are a lot of folks in the rooms of AA that introduce them selfs as "Cross-addicted", we have a few that simply state they are an addict.

Those folks that say they are an addict are more then welcome in the rooms, they share that they gain just as much from the ESH of us alkies as they do from thier fellow addicts in NA, we do not have NA meetings in my area every night so a lot of the addicts attend AA if they need a meeting.

We have one guy in the rooms with (I think) 14 years of sobriety who told me that he was not sure if he was a full blown alcoholic as spoken of in the BB, but he knew damn well that he was a coke head of the highest degree. He said that when he was using he loved to drink and learned quickly that if he drank he was going to get some coke very soon! He said he has stayed clean for 14 years by using AA to ensure his sobriety as well.

Talk to your sponsor, tell her just what you told us "Hey I am not 100% sure I am an alcoholic, but I know I am an addict!" I have a strange feeling all will be well.

Keep in mind that if you feel someone is judging you in the rooms they are the one who needs to clean thier side of the street, just keep your side clean and it will all be good.

zoomer

Having an addictive personality I can become addicted to anything. Alcohol was my drug of choice,but I used coke, and pills in my younger days. I never blacked out from drinking (was not lucky enough LOL) and I never ODed on drugs. The only requerment for AA is the desire to stop drinking. It does not matter what stage of alcoholism you are at or even if your just a problem drinker,you just need to desire to stop. I have not used a street drug in 20 years,but I cannot go into NA and say I'v been clean for 20 years because I still abused alcohol. I have been to NA,but found I could not relate to the amount of drugs used to my brush with drugs in my younger days,so I stick with AA. They are both good programs,but finding one that is best for you is the key to long term clean time. BTU, I have not drank like some people in AA,but to the outside world I drank more than them. The world is a safer place for me and everyone as long as I don't put anything other than what the doctor orders in my body. I take one mood stablizer a day,thats it. I stay away from cold medication unless it contains no alcohol and I used that about once a year or so. I have to be diligent with everything because I can abuse anything.

Sugah

A few things came to mind when I read your post, Alyssa.

In NA, there's no distinction between prescription drugs, street drugs and alcohol, but that doesn't mean that there aren't differences in their effect on the body. Some drugs, when taken regularly, cause physical dependence quicker than others, and many confuse physical dependence with the disease/condition of addiction. Being physically dependent upon a substance doesn't make a one an addict. Not in my book, anyway. Break that physical dependence, and life goes back to normal.

"Addiction" is an encompassing condition that is triggered by whatever mind/mood altering substance a person puts in her or his body. One kind of high might be preferred over another, but in the absence of it, just about anything will do if the addiction goes untreated for a long time. Or, the "dry drunk" or "dry high" syndrome - no drugs, no alcohol, but miserable as all hell. I've been there.

I know a guy who stopped doing heroin after twenty years and started drinking, even though he swears he didn't like it. He drank because it was legal, and he was tired of going to jail. Less than a year "clean" from heroin, he was in jail for a DUI. He still maintained he was an addict, not an alcoholic. He ended up losing his job, his marriage, and before long, he was looking up from a lower bottom than the one he'd found using heroin. He's sober in AA now.

There are certain drugs I have used and not abused, so I can't say that I'm powerless over the specific substance. Maybe I'm not? But I'm not going to go out and test it because my sobriety through the steps has taught me something that I pray I never forget. Life sober -- free of not only alcohol but any substitute I might use for alcohol -- is an authentic existence. To use anything to rub off the rough edges that life sometimes has is to deny that authentic existence. So, rather than try to convince yourself one way or another, I'd ask this: If you like the way your life is developing through the steps and contact with your HP, what does it matter if you can stop after one or two? What is the purpose in having one or two? What do you have to lose by not drinking?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Music

If you're looking for permission to go back out, you've got mine. If the above is all true, I can't understand why you came here in the first place, and why being dry for a year is such a big deal. To a non-alcoholic, this conversation wouldn't be taking place. It would be a non-issue. So, go have a good time and let it all hang out.

possiblyNuts

Maybe you should read my other thread, 'any thoughts on weaning?' heh. (I'm already attmpting to go sober)

sugErspun

I don't think anyone was looking for permission - they are questioning the foundation of their problem. Personally - I am glad that she had the fortitude to come here and ask for an honest opinion before making any rash decisions. I don't think it is uncommon for AA'rs to resent the non-alcoholic who discovers they are non-alcoholic after being around AA for awhile, and getting some time under their belt. You are right though - for a non-alcoholic to stay away from alcohol for an entire year is not uncommon. We should be supporting her to find out the truth about her condition - rather than push someone away. AA will kill drug addicts who are forced to admit to being 'alcoholic' by rule of the room, when they aren't alcoholic and find no way and no one to relate.

Love and tolerance, right?

Pick-a-name

[QUOTE=Alyssa213;1656029]Hi, thanks for your response. I am currently on Step Six (though realistically, I should be on Step One since I haven't completely admitted powerlessness). QUOTE]


Hi;interesting discussion.

When I read this,the thought came to me that perhaps you answered your own question with this remark. ?

anyhow; what you have described sounds very similar to my exAH and my sister,who was basically sent to rehab by her work. (She isn't drinking now because she says that even though she is "not an alcoholic",alcohol is not to be taken with her depression/anxiety medications....) Personally, I feel part of their feelings surround keeping the option of drinking "open" and also,their own thoughts and feelings about what they tell themself an alcoholic "is";esp. after changing that description to accomodate their own drinking as the years go by. To them both being "an alcoholic" is an insult of the vilest kind,because of their OWN beliefsetc.

Glad you are here and thanks again for the discussion.

BP44

The first job of the sponsor is to qualify their protoge. My first step experience with my sponsor is what qualified me for the program of Alcoholic's Anonymous. After sharing with him my drinking history from the first drink to the last drink, we spent a session with the Big Book open between us. We started with The Doctor's Opinion where the description of the alcoholic can be found. We then spent some time in There Is A Solution and looked at loss of control. It asks one simple question.... When BP takes a drink does the drink take him? Then we spent some time in More About Alcoholism and look at loss of choice. Again, a simple question.....Has BP lost the power of choice in drink? Given sufficient reason can BP give up drinking entirely? After that, we looked at unmanageability. This is where things get a little more difficult. I initially think my unmnageability is related to consequences. After further review I link the harm I have done others by my drinking with unmanageability. But the real revelation with unmanageabilty is the understanding of my spiritual malady. I am irritable, restless, discontent and when I take a drink, I'm not that way. I have trouble with personal relationships, I can't control my emotional nature. I'm a prey to misery and depression. I am full of fear. I feel useless. These bedevilements or as I like to call them "agnostic promises" are also a part of my unmanageability. When we are at the end of this work the real alcoholic and the heavy drinker should be easy to distinguish. If you have not done a thorough working of the first step with a sponsor out of the Big Book, I encourage you to do so. This will tell you whether you are an alcoholic or a heavy drinker.