Kellye C

Hi everyone,

I have a dear friend who is struggling with staying sober. This person is fairly young and didn't really have any really major negative consequences which to them means there was no dwi's, no trips to jail, no harm to their health, no kids and no loss of relationships because of drinking. They managed to stay sober a little over a year then went back out and now is having problems finding the desire and enthusiasm to embrace sobriety again. I've given my take on it because I was asked but don't really feel qualified to answer fully because I was at death's door before I sobered up and truly had no other way to go other than six feet under.

I would like to hear from others who didn't have to drop to their very bottom. What was your wake-up call, what drove you to get and stay sober and what words of experience, strength and hope would you offer to someone else in those circumstances?

Thanks in advance,
Kellye

ANGELINA243

One of my first sponsor's told me that we are all riding on an elevator. We can get off at any time--some of us (like me) had to go down further than the rest. Each time I went back out I got off on a lower floor. Some of us have never got into legal trouble. That is not how it was with me. I did the jails, hospitals, treatment center, etc---but still wasn't enough. We each have different bottoms--some physical, financial, emotional,spiritual, etc. I know today that I need help--and looking back, even though I've been though some painful, ugly situations in my life---I hated to think what my future would hold had I continued to drink/use. I didn't see me making it another year alive. Today--I am grateful to be given yet another chance at sobriety.

SF69

I'm new to this, but maybe it will help.

I'm generally healthy, and never lost a job, been divorced, or done hard time due to alcohol.

My wake up call was getting my first DUI last weekend. Before that, over the past 5 to 7 years, I'd had other minor alcohol related incidents (getting into fights, tickets for public drunkeness, etc). With those, I'd think "Whoa, I'd better cut back on my drinking".
Four days later, back to my usual drinking. In the last few months, these incidents started to occur more often. Then came the DUI. I'm not sure if it's because of the seriousness of it, but it really had me thinking for a few days afterward about how 90% of the trouble I've been in since I was a teen has been alcohol related. I finally admitted to myself that I had a problem. It was this coming out of denial that finally made me want to quit (as opposed to 'should' quit).

I know if I keep up with my old ways, that rock bottom is in my future.

Also, in those couple of days post-DUI thinking, I looked at my life and realized there were a lot of good things in it. And throwing them all away just to get drunk is just not worth it.

gravity

I've been told that I have had an early bottom because from the outside, it looked like I haven't lost anything. What I did lose was my wife's trust, my employer's confidence, and my self-respect. I was spititually dead. I emotionally hurt many people when I was drunk. The self-hatred was so unbearable, the lifestyle so dangerous - I am positive that I would have ended up in an ER in short time - complete mental breakdown or through violence (I was an out of control/blackout drinker, three day binges, often in dangerous environments).

I just got to the point where I could keep drinking and lose everything or I could fight tooth & nail to stay sober. For me, it really is a much better & happier life. I actually find the prospect of a sober life exciting!

My advice to young people who haven't been damaged too badly yet by alcoholism? You really aren't giving up anything of value but you gain so much. Why throw it away? There is so much in this world to live for and it's right in front of us!

best

Your bottom was death's door.
My bottom was the fear of repeating my negative actions and possible jail.
Still others ..their bottom could be an awareness of the dangers of alcohol and yet again for another...it could mean jail time is what is needed.

We can't change another or show them "their" bottom. What we can do is be ready with answers when they are looking for a way out.
Is it working for you?
That is a fine question to ask ourself. It may be a question that your friend has asked. Showing others that path we took when they ask such a question is the best we can do to help them.

miss communicat

my second time coming back to the rooms of AA and sobriety, I had a very quiet bottom. No losses that showed, no consequences yet. I was still laboring under the illusion that I was just a little bit powerless, but not 100%, and that my life was just a litlle bit unmanageable.

This was enough for me, because I knew the trajectory was downward and I did not want to have to go any lower.

Ironically, after 2+ years in sobriety this time, looking back, my life was in far more of a mess than I'd imagined. I am talking more about emotional, spiritual and financial recovery than actual chemical/physical recovery.

The only e,s, and h I have for your friend is that s/he must be really willing to be honest. Staying sober is harder than getting sober, but getting sober is a gift. Sometimes it doesnt come back to us a second time.

Kellye C

Thank you to everyone who has answered so far. My plan is to point my friend to this thread in the next day or so and let her draw her own conclusions. She knows my story, she knows my husband's story but as Best said she has her own story and only she can decide how it's going to end. I just thought since she asked me the question and I felt like my answer was inadequate that it might be helpful if she saw other's takes on it.

Thanks again!
Kellye

CAPTAINZING2000

waking up in jail with no one to post my bail.

The YETS that are still out there could be even worse.

Lucky for the person that comes into AA without back problems.

I think, I heard to keep the cotton in my mouth and my ears open and listen to what was being said around the tables.

CarolD

I think there must be a reason why she quit for a year.
I've not met a drinker who just decided ...

"My life is great! Drinking is super! Think I will give it up!"

So...I strongly suggest she examins the r reason of why
she thinks pouring a toxin in her body is healthy or productive.

Hope this helps....

hughs dad

I think the problem with any "bottom" is time has a way of making the past seem not all that bad. I tend to romanticize about my past drinking. I forget all the days missed from work, all the money spent, the constant worry, etc. My addicted mind can convince me of about anything. I have been sober now nine days and I was miserable before I quit.

Admitting I was powerless over alcohol was not easy. I have fought it for two years, but I now know it and have told several people in my "inner circle". So, if I try and lie to myself again, these people can help hold me accountable.

chip

A "bottom" is really a personal thing. The one thing that is the same in all cases... bottoms can always get lower. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that leads to death. As it's been said already, death is the ultimate bottom. If an alcoholic continues to feed his/her addicition, the end result will be death.

From my understanding, a "bottom" doesn't always have to involve materialistic things. It can be emotional, spiritual or any combination of factors. With regards to recovery, the important thing about a bottom is that it must be bad enough to make a person willing and teachable.

I had to be beaten down to my bottom before I was blessed with the willingness to change. I had to be beaten down to my bottom before I was ready to surrender, and learn a new way of living.

If I ever feel that I didn't go low enough for my bottom....I can always pick up another drink. If I do this, I can guarentee that my life will go down the toilet pretty quickly. I'm not a hardline AA guy, but I've heard it said: "havn't found your bottom yet? go out and do some more drinking, and come back when you've had enough."

Who wants to go to meetings? Who wants to surrender? Who wants to be honest? Who wants to accept reality? Who wants to pray for his/her enemies? Who wants to let go of resentments? Who wants to let go of fears? Who wants to set forth on a course of vigourous emotional "housecleaning"? Who wants to admit their wrongs and their faults? Who wants to do as they are told? Who wants to help other alcoholics?

I think the answer to these questions is: a desparate alcoholic. I think hitting some sort of bottom is important to feel that urgency that gets us into the program.

--------------------------------------
With all this said, I had a pretty "high" bottom, but it was low enough to be life changing. I didn't lose my job. I didn't lose my home in the nice part of town. I didn't lose my vehicles or my licence. I lost my self respect. I lost my ability to feel. I lost my willingness to live. I was starting to lose my health. I was starting to see how alcohol was taking things away. I lost my hope. I didn't know how to fix my problems or fix my life. I was afraid.

I was puking outside, in the garage, wrapped in a sleeping bag while the cleaning lady was cleaning my home. I was waking up in my king sized bed with blood all over my face. I was passing out on the carpeted stairs to our basement rec. room. I was driving my car in blackouts. I was stuggling not to drink too much before I went to work, but drinking enough to take the edge off. I'd go to bed in a blackout, and terrorize my wife. I'd pass out on the floor of my son's room, and he'd wake me up and send me to bed.

I was stuggling to hold things together. I was trying to make it look like I had control. I couldn't understand how I could have such good intentions, but such bad behaviour. I wanted to be a good person, but I couldn't. I tried to get my drinking under control, but I couldn't. I found that when I enjoyed drinking, I wasn't in control. When I had some control, it wasn't any fun.

I couldn't keep drinking the way I wanted, but I couldn't stop. This was what my bottom was like. It could've been worse, but it was bad enough for me.

Tazman53

Well my sponsor has told me that the answer to any question on recovery from alcoholism could be found int the BB, well I cut and pasted the below from the "Personal Stories" section of the BB in the preface to the stories "They Quit in Time"

I had a lot of yets in my future when I quit, I had only one DUI 20 years before I quit, one broken marriage partially due to my drinking, but I was right on the edge of a cliff I would call the "Cliff of Yet". If I had continued to drink one more month the yets were going to all become real in less then a year!

More DUI's
A lost family
No job
No truck
No home
Jail
Prison
Asylums

All I needed to do was contine and all of the above yets would no longer have been yets. My soul at this point was suffering from severe gangrene, my health was going down hill fast, I took it pretty far, as long and as much as I drank I consider it a miracel I did not suffer more consequences, but more then likely me doing the vast majority of my drinking alone at home kept me from many things I would have suffered if I had not reached the point in my drinking of isolating fairly quickly when I started to get really bad.

Sugah

A new girl joined our home group recently. She's eighteen and has been sober for two years. I asked her to tell me her story after the meeting last Saturday night, and no, she hadn't lost a lot materially - she was too young to have much to lose - but her story revealed that she was in full awareness of the first step at sixteen. Once she started, she could not control her use or predict what would happen. She was powerless, and her life had become unmanageable.

For me, losing things meant nothing. After awhile, losing people meant nothing. That inability to have control over my own being, my own thoughts, and my own actions and the resulting frustration, despair and loneliness -- those things made up the bottom that finally got me sober. Perhaps she can relate to the inside things rather than the outside things?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

best

I do I do I do and so doesn't everyone else that has done each of them and realized how their life changed and how blessed and filled with joy they get after doing each one of them.

collinsmi

Well, people voiced concern to me about my drinking from the very beginning. I just had to get uncomfortable enough to do the right things about it. That involved a lot of loss. That's no reason not to say whatever you can though.

unigirl

I'm currenlty back to day 1 of sobriety and i'm only 20 so pretty young in A.A. I first got sober last sept but went back out again before christmas. I think comparing myself to others in A.A who had lost EVERYTHNG had a lot to do with it - i wouldnt accept it, even though deep down i knew, even though ppl explained i could experience losing everything if i drank again.

However after 6 weeks of full on boozing (with a couple of mtngs in between) i'm back in A.A. and i'm grateful for it- i know not everyone gets another go. I'm really determined this time too. Not much else happened on the outside - i wasn't taken to hospital as a result of drinking (i have been a couple of times in the past), i wasn't arrested or anything, but the drinking was the same old misery, and had progressed rapidly to daily drinking. Blacking out, getting into arguements, been chucked outa places, waking up in a bed full of sick and pee. Not nice. I think i've now finally realised that i don't have to end u in a mental asylum- or lose my place at uni etc to accept i have this disease. I know i have it- i haven't reached the bottoms some have- but i've reached mine mentally and spiritually. I never ever want to go through such loneliness and deppresion that alcoholic drinking brings. I just hope your friend can get this, before it is too late for her. For me i can safely say within a year (probably a lot less) i'd of been dead, in jail or in an asylum- thats how fast this illness has progressed in me and i know it's been the same for many others too.

nandm

Welcome to SR!

collinsmi

Good to see you on here Kellye, whether you're asking, answering or commenting, you always have interesting things to say.

Kellye C

Why thank you!! I feel the same about you! Steve and I still share in meetings about how cool it was to meet someone who we really didn't know, except you and I posting on SR, going to a newcomer's meeting and sharing dinner and how well we all got along with that common bond of recovery between us. That was one of the highlights of our honeymoon!

I hope that we will be able to go back to Colorado Springs sometime soon. I fell in love with it and he was already smitten long before I came along LOL!


Ok, now that I have hijacked my own thread I am getting ready to send my friend the link to it and pray that it will be useful to her.

Hugs,
Kellye

Carol87

Bottoms ... an issue I have struggled with for all 20+ years of my sobriety. I walked in the doors of AA because I was constantly being asked by a friend who was in another 12 step program with me. Because of that program, one day, I realized that I was doing exactly what I was judging someone else for and stopped drinking when the scotch was gone ... never did it occur to me to dump it ... NO WAY! After about 7 months I finally did walk into an AA meeting ... I was amazed at not only the laughter but the number of young people! BUT I couldn't relate to the stories ... it seemed that everyone was much worse than me. DUI's, lost jobs, lost family, horrific drunkalogs. You see, I was different, very different ... I had YET to get a DUI, lose a job, lose a family ... although now in sobriety, that is exactly what has happened, et al. I was so busy looking at the differences that I failed to see the similarities ... I completely skipped over the fact that I was drinking, at home alone, every night; that when I started drinking, I could not stop until either I blacked out or passed out ... or both ... I don't remember!! I skipped right over the times that I always out drank anyone with me, the times that I should have gotten an DUI, ignored how my personality changed with just a couple drinks, etc. I was an alcoholic every other day! Finally someone got so sick and tired of listening to me ... it was said EITHER YOU ARE OR YOU ARE NOT! Someone gave me the answer to my dilemma right out of the BB ... this is here in another forum in my story but here it is again ...

Sorry to be late in answering this post ... it is eerie how timely it is ... I have just recently admitted that I still have trouble feeling like I belong even though I have no doubts that I do ...