Alcoholic emotional instability/shut down.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 14
Alcoholic emotional instability/shut down.
Hopefully someone can explain this to me. My ex alcoholic boyfriend's life started getting unmanageable towards the end of last year. We have been together for 3 years, and became very close, especially towards the end. We were everything and more to each other, and had never had that with anyone else in the past. It was very precious. Then he started getting overwhelmed with his life, felt his career was going no where and never had enough time in the day. He felt as though life was just passing him by. His biggest fear he said was losing me. Anyway he started drinking again heavily to suppress his feelings/emotions of being overwhelmed, which in turn let to our relationship ending, which was very messy, and devastating and shocking to both of us.
The silly thing is our relationship ended because he was unable to deal with his emotions. He loves me so much, but can't handle the emotions that come with that, such as fear of losing me, me being an actress and unfortunately having to do kissing scenes from time to time etc, worrying I'm safe when I go out at night etc. As I've stated before he grew up in an abusive alcoholic home, and started drinking himself at 18, to cope with life. He appears to push away everything that he is emotionally attached to out of fear, and only focuses on things that he is not emotionally attached to, such as his job, the gym etc. Is this normal for someone who grew up in an alcoholic abusive home? Now he doesn't even want to see me because it is too painful for him, so he'd rather just shut me out. He wants to be together, but knows he can't cope with it, and the powerful deep emotions that come with it, so has completely rejected the idea. When we broke up he had a breakdown. He has been sober now since the beginning of the year, but has slipped a couple of times recently.
It's so hard. I know he needs help in dealing with his emotions and his childhood. Emotions to him are too painful, so he feels it's better to attach yourself to things that don't carry any emotion, because then there is no pain. It's just so sad our relationship ended because it was too painful to deal with emotions, as opposed to the fact that we had fallen out of love. Which we had not, we were very in love. It's like a tragedy. Aren't people supposed to break up because they don't love each other any more, not because they love each other too much??? I've heard people say that because of his abusive childhood, and suppressing his emotions, he is now an adult that is left with the emotions of a child, which is why they get too much for him to handle. An adult life, being handled with the emotional capacity of a child - an impossible situation.
Thing is, he thinks that if he detaches and doesn't 'feel', for example being with someone he loves, he will have control over his emotions, which will mean no pain, so he thinks that the way he needs to go through his life. How do I convince him that he needs to see a therapist to help him deal with his past and his emotions. Love is a good thing to have in your life, not a bad thing to fear and push away. Life without loves is very empty. How do I make him see this? But I also know that I have to tread very gently with him, the mere suggestion of anything right now would make him flip out, as it would mean emotions again. I have a feeling everyone is going to tell me he needs to figure it out for himself, but I'm asking you guys anyway....... what if he doesn't, he's such a good man, just a very damaged one, he doesn't deserve to lead this unhappy life he is living, and yes I want to help him. And yes there goes my al-anon slip, but I think we all have them. It's like the more he loves the more he pushes away!
Thank you for reading, and any advice would be extremly appreciated?
Alice Kate
The silly thing is our relationship ended because he was unable to deal with his emotions. He loves me so much, but can't handle the emotions that come with that, such as fear of losing me, me being an actress and unfortunately having to do kissing scenes from time to time etc, worrying I'm safe when I go out at night etc. As I've stated before he grew up in an abusive alcoholic home, and started drinking himself at 18, to cope with life. He appears to push away everything that he is emotionally attached to out of fear, and only focuses on things that he is not emotionally attached to, such as his job, the gym etc. Is this normal for someone who grew up in an alcoholic abusive home? Now he doesn't even want to see me because it is too painful for him, so he'd rather just shut me out. He wants to be together, but knows he can't cope with it, and the powerful deep emotions that come with it, so has completely rejected the idea. When we broke up he had a breakdown. He has been sober now since the beginning of the year, but has slipped a couple of times recently.
It's so hard. I know he needs help in dealing with his emotions and his childhood. Emotions to him are too painful, so he feels it's better to attach yourself to things that don't carry any emotion, because then there is no pain. It's just so sad our relationship ended because it was too painful to deal with emotions, as opposed to the fact that we had fallen out of love. Which we had not, we were very in love. It's like a tragedy. Aren't people supposed to break up because they don't love each other any more, not because they love each other too much??? I've heard people say that because of his abusive childhood, and suppressing his emotions, he is now an adult that is left with the emotions of a child, which is why they get too much for him to handle. An adult life, being handled with the emotional capacity of a child - an impossible situation.
Thing is, he thinks that if he detaches and doesn't 'feel', for example being with someone he loves, he will have control over his emotions, which will mean no pain, so he thinks that the way he needs to go through his life. How do I convince him that he needs to see a therapist to help him deal with his past and his emotions. Love is a good thing to have in your life, not a bad thing to fear and push away. Life without loves is very empty. How do I make him see this? But I also know that I have to tread very gently with him, the mere suggestion of anything right now would make him flip out, as it would mean emotions again. I have a feeling everyone is going to tell me he needs to figure it out for himself, but I'm asking you guys anyway....... what if he doesn't, he's such a good man, just a very damaged one, he doesn't deserve to lead this unhappy life he is living, and yes I want to help him. And yes there goes my al-anon slip, but I think we all have them. It's like the more he loves the more he pushes away!
Thank you for reading, and any advice would be extremly appreciated?
Alice Kate
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by Alice Kate 
I have a feeling everyone is going to tell me he needs to figure it out for himself, but I'm asking you guys anyway....... what if he doesn't, he's such a good man, just a very damaged one, he doesn't deserve to lead this unhappy life he is living, and yes I want to help him.
Yes you are correct...he needs to figure it out for himself.
You can't do it for him.
...he doesn't deserve to lead this unhappy life he is living...
His choices are what has him continue leading such a life.
You can't control it
You didn't cause it
and you can't change it.
I know what worked to get me started on figuring out for myself what needed to be done. Many others will tell you the same.
When you step aside and let him deal with his issues, then and only then will he start to look at things and figure it out for himself and continue on as "he" wishes in the life he wants to continue.
A sober life or a drunken life. Only he can make that choice. You can not do it for him.
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Vancouver BC
Posts: 386
Hurt people hurt people and they hurt themselves.
Many of us who were abused tend to recreate that chaos in our lives, we actually take over where our abusers left off.
A lot of us have stunted emotional growth, and we have no coping skills, we learned to stuff them down, and as adults we drank or drugged them down.
We are the people who make it hard for others to love, we keep people at arm's length and we continually test their boundaries and their love for us.
Your BF is his own worst enemy, and he is not alone in acting this way, he feels he can't control something, so he focuses on what he can control.
He is probably very raw emotionally, and he needs to get help in healing himself.
I began to grow emotionally when I got sober, I was child like, childish and didn't take responsibility for myself. I sat in my past, in my victimhood and it kept me stuck.
When my life reached a crisis point I knew I had to make changes, enormous changes or I would surely die, I was killing the love that others had for me.
Sadly we cannot fix others, no one could fix me, I had to be one to reach out for help.
I wish both of you all the very best.
Seren
Many of us who were abused tend to recreate that chaos in our lives, we actually take over where our abusers left off.
A lot of us have stunted emotional growth, and we have no coping skills, we learned to stuff them down, and as adults we drank or drugged them down.
We are the people who make it hard for others to love, we keep people at arm's length and we continually test their boundaries and their love for us.
Your BF is his own worst enemy, and he is not alone in acting this way, he feels he can't control something, so he focuses on what he can control.
He is probably very raw emotionally, and he needs to get help in healing himself.
I began to grow emotionally when I got sober, I was child like, childish and didn't take responsibility for myself. I sat in my past, in my victimhood and it kept me stuck.
When my life reached a crisis point I knew I had to make changes, enormous changes or I would surely die, I was killing the love that others had for me.
Sadly we cannot fix others, no one could fix me, I had to be one to reach out for help.
I wish both of you all the very best.
Seren
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