aret

Sunday, work, off for drinks with friends. Wine usually the drink of choice for me but this night I decided to drink martinis. Blackout. Nothing, I remember nothing. So here are the bits and pieces of what I remember and what I was told. I fell down the step at the bar from the pool room. To my car my friend took me to drive me home. Out of the car I jump only to fall flat on my back. Up to my apartment, she leaves, thinking I am safe. Alone I am, waiting for my girlfriend to return home from work. My clothes were in the bathroom, so I am assuming I had my first fall in there, into the bathtub. I believe this to be the fall that blackened my eye, and swelled it to the size of an egg. For some unknown reason I decided to walk outside, falling multiple times, on the concrete, into the door, luckily my neighbor heard me and came out to get me. I was already badly hurt at this time and continued to fall, none of which I remember. My head badly cut and bleeding, my eye not open, she called 911, and my girlfriend telling her to come home, the ambulance would be taking me. I awake, in the hospital, knowing, because I was conscious, but not fully aware of what was going on. Scared I was, and I knew I had scared her. One too many times I have had these blackout experiences, and I knew that this was the worst it had ever been. Expecting her to be mad and threating, but supportive and loving she was. I knew I had to make a change, a change that would be hard, but I knew I would eventually either kill myself or lose the one person that means anything to me. So, I eventually left the hospital, knowing inside the lesson I had learned, but not really knowing how incredibly hard this was going to be. It is now day four for me. I have been confined to this couch and my bed since the accident and I can hardly stand it anymore. Until today, the thought of a drink sickened me. Every time I look in the mirror at what I have done to myself I want to cry. But today, something was different. I felt as if something were missing, so much anxiety, over nothing. I am relaxing, trying to heal, and at the same time I was convincing myself of why I should not drink. I got up, looked in the mirror, and it all came together. So...today, I did not drink, but I now know, that it has only been four days since what was a terrible eye opening experience and the thought had crossed my mind. Realization set in. This is not over. It is going to be much harder than I knew, but I also know I have to do this, I have to believe I am strong enough to do this. Not only for myself but for her. She loves me and supports me, I can't let this break me. I have to keep my strength, a strength I lost and regained through that night.

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

Hey Tera,

Your alkie mind is talking to you. That anxiousness? That's it..

It has nothing to do with your strength. Hand it up. Surrender. Your HP has all the strength that you need..

First Step Prayer

Dear Lord,
I admit that I am powerless over my addiction.
I admit that my life is unmanageable when I try to control it.
Help me this day to understand the true meaning of powerlessness.
Remove from me all denial of my addiction.

Karen

CarolD

Welcome to our SR Alcoholism Forum!

Yes...I too fell often when drunk.
Blackouts were more frequent.

Oddest thing...since AA recovery ...I stand in balance.
This can be true for you as well.

Glad you found us...do post often.
4 days is a good start to a healthy future.

Blessings to you and your partner

hughs dad

I would reccomend AA. Go to meetings and get around other people like you (and me). We are in the 10% of the population that can't drink normally. Blacking out and falling down and still wanting to drink is not normal hun. Trust me, I have done the same countless times.

My last drunk was a fifth of 100 proof whiskey, 10 beers, and 2 shots of Yeager - AND I DROVE HOME... Alcohol is a huge problem in my life and it doesn't have to be anymore.

Good luck and take it a day at a time.

CarolD

Welcome HD....

Pick-a-name

Glad you are here....lots of wonderful people willing to share their experience,strength and hope.

p.s. The alcoholic in my life who "got me to SR" (my exHusband of nearly 30yrs), was born and raised in Boardman!

sugErspun

That's a pretty low (but wonderful) state to be in. Realizing alcohol will probably kill you and make you suffer more and more - and knowing you will drink again. I drank NO MATTER WHAT, and now I don't. Some people call it a miracle - I guess it is.

Hopefully you will seek some help in this matter. You don't have to drink again if you don't want to - but there is some work to be done along those lines.


Pain can be a good thing. Really.

lovingseren

I would recommend you investigate the different recovery programs out there.
There is a link at the top of this forum that will help you.
Please find one that fits you and work it with all your heart and soul.
Welcome to the beginning of your new life.

Seren

aret

Thank you all!! It is now day five, and I am staying strong for the both of us. She is strong for me, and I am using all of it that I can! I am realizing how lucky I am to have someone who really does care about me, and my future. I have found this pain to be a good thing as uncomfortable as it is. I would have kept going had I not had that experience, so I am grateful to it for helping me to see just how out of control it was becoming, and grateful that I am still here. Hopefully I can hang on to how I feel now, and remember what I have been through so that I do not fall back in. Tomorrow I will return to work after being off for a week to heal. I have gotten used to the confines of my own home and having her there for me, but i know i need to get back out there. I just pray that the stress of every day life doesn't take over my mind. I hope I can keep this feeling. I really do want this, I don't want to go back to that dark place! Thanks again, everyone!

Rimmy

Hang in there Aret... I've got a few scars on my face... three actually. One was a sober accident... the other two were drink induced. It's all good. Every morning I have a reminder of my negative potential and I try to steer myself away... but I still have to try, try, try.

sugErspun is right... it might take a little pain to hit bottom, but it sounds like you have a supportive soul mate to pick you up.

Best wishes to you