mysz

hi. i've been looking at all these threads for the last couple of days and was thinking i may be able to get some advice here. i have been a chronic alcoholic for many years but recently was diagnosed with severe cirrhosis and had 6 varices tied. after many weeks in hospital, vomiting and shitting blood, i thought i had finally realised that i simply cannot drink. having a few drinks here and there proved to be ok (no longer terribly sick) and i'm falling into old behaviour, even substituting other drugs sometimes. my liver is gonna give in and i know it. however, i continue to slowly kill myself despite the fact that i really don't want to. i have a gorgeous new apartment, old friends back in my life, my family proud of me, counselling, groups, etc. how do i tell myself "no"?

barb dwyer

hi mysz - welcome to SR!

well, 'how' is a bit different for everyone although many of the 'whys' are similar.

are you in a program of recovery?

mysz

hi barb dwyer and thanks. i've tried to create my own program since moving into my new place. i see a counsellor once a week who is wonderful; i do a women's d&a support group once a week; i start yoga next week and i do NA meetings about once a week. i also visit my parents in the bush once a fortnight and try and speak to someone everyday. in addition, i take lots of different meds for my liver as well as anti-depressants. i have completed 2 years of a residential rehab and many, many detoxes (there is no physical addiction now). i know it's all in my head and i am very hesitant in giving up my friends who do use and drink occasionaly

findingout

Hi and welcome mysz.

You said that you are going to N.A. meetings about once a week. That's good, the answer to your problem is there. I don't believe "about one a week" would have been enough for me but that's me.

When I first started rehab, I met a guy in my small group therapy session who was making his fourth attempt at getting clean and sober. What he said about his previous attempts was "I was working my program, not the program." I didn't understand this when he said it and I'm sure I completely understand it today because in some sense, we all work our own programs. Our recovery is our responsibility, we have to do the work. But if we pick and choose only the pieces of the program that we like or that we feel comfortable with or that don't require us to change, we are not working the program and so the program doesn't work.

Have you gotten a sponsor? Have you actually done the steps using the N.A. 12 Step workbook? Have you gotten a copy of "Just for Today" and made a habit of doing the daily reading? Are you willing to do anything to stay clean and sober or anything but?

Try this:
Your post reminded me of my sister who died last August from untreated alcoholism. She spent the last five years of her life going in and out of the hospital and each time she left, they told her that she would die if she continued to drink. She did it anyway. Nothing I said could convince her that either N.A. or A.A. offered a better way. Sometimes I wonder if it's because I didn't say the right thing, if what I said sounded like so many platitudes and over simplifications. I just don't know. I do know this:

mysz

sometimes i think that this whole issue of mine is so awfully complicated and hard, but then at other times i kick myself for not dealing with it because in reality it really is very simple and i have the strength and the will power to overcome this something that has overtaken my life. i think i need to be talking honestly a lot more than i am.

barb dwyer

for me - honesty - is the ONLY way.

CarolD

Since I got sober....25 friends of mine have died from alcoholism.
Not 1 died using AA.

By living the AA Steps...I have not only survived but thrived.

Welcome to our Alcoholism Forum!

mysz

i am very familiar with AA and NA. for me, personally, i have found it depressing - people rehashing their bad times. i will never discount the higher power but the 12 steps sometimes seem ridiculous. the experience i have had with rehabilitation has been with group counselling and one on one discussions - that's how i initially did it (stopped and sobered up). living in a therapeutic community for 2 years taught me a hell of a lot about myself and how important clean relationships were. going to AA and NA meetings basically taught me what was successful for other people. this is why it's so confusing. i will continue to try it.

hughs dad

GET A SPONSOR GO TO MEETINGS
GET A SPONSOR GO TO MEETINGS
GET A SPONSOR GO TO MEETINGS
GET A SPONSOR GO TO MEETINGS
GET A SPONSOR GO TO MEETINGS
GET A SPONSOR GO TO MEETINGS
GET A SPONSOR GO TO MEETINGS

___________________________________

Dude - you can't do this on your own. It's OK. You can't do this alone. You have a disease bro. You wouldn't fight cancer alone would you?

mike_mass

I would still give it a shot. It looks like you don't have many options left.

sugErspun

For me, It wasn't so much that 'I can't drink' as much as it was 'I don't want to drink, I shouldn't drink, but I am going to drink anyways - I am powerless over that fact.' - there was no choice in the matter. Once I got over the assumption that I was perhaps mentally deficient in some way and saw I had an illness - one of the symptoms of which is the complete inability to leave liqour alone - no matter how bad the want or desire, I was able to move forward, take some direction. Things changed.

My experience abundantly confirms this.

Sugah

The "ridiculous" steps are the key to staying sober in a 12 step program. Taking them in a whole-hearted manner leads to a spiritual awakening whereby a drink or a drug is not necessary and even repulsive to living one's life. The "rehashing" that goes on in the room is primarily for the newcomer so that you can see where we've come from.

I don't want to start a debate. I am curious why you think the steps are ridiculous. I mean -- most people on the outside would be looking at someone who continues to use with life-threatening medical conditions and say, "That's ridiculous." Perhaps we who have been there can help you overcome your bias.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

hughs dad

mysc - one more question. What is "it"? You say "it's" not working and I am just curious what "it" is... If "it" is you can't stop on your own or with just the help of this website, you're right. There is know "it" would work for me either.
"It" is what has allowed us to drink for years.

Go to meetings and get a sponsor.

Good luck!

Miss Pink

It = My life.

nandm

Definition of insanity "doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results." If the above did not work for you, then it would be time to consider other options.

There are many recovery programs out there. Personally AA worked for me but I had to put aside my preconcieved ideas and prejudices and work the program as it was laid out in the steps and principles for my life to change and me to find sobriety.

Here is a list of recovery programs; if you find you are not able to work the program of AA for what ever reason you may want to try one of these.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html

Good luck and best wishes.

RufusACanal

You are familiar with AA? AA is depressing verses your continued drinking, liver failing and death?

What do you have to loss going to AA and not drinking? Your life?

Many have already died to give us life, why should you add to the deaths?

Welcome to SR and I hope you can find some hope here!

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I do hope that you find a recovery method that works for you.

Keep reading and posting.

Cindi R

Personally, I think it would be much more depressing to be vomiting and crapping blood!
No one can make you want to be sober, you have to look inside of yourself and find a reason to do it for yourself.
When I first came into the program I thought that sobriety would be about as much fun as watching the grass grow...or watching paint dry!
But after a period of time, one day becomes a week, then a month, then a year...
you learn to make new friends and how to live life sober from "those people" at those meetings.
You find that those friends that you thought were your best friends from your using days, were just using you, and they just sort of slip away...because you have nothing in common with them anymore.
You find out who your true friends are...they are not the ones who encourage you to get drunk and high, when it's killing you!
You make new, real, genuine friends in the program...ones who don't want anything from you...except to give you love and support when you need it.
You learn how to entertain yourself without the use of drugs and alcohol.
You learn how to be alone without being lonely.

Music

I've been in AA and sober for over 30 years and personally, the find idea of my liver giving out and dieing of alcohol poisoning to be really depressing. The reason bad times are rehashed is so we don't forget them, which you've obviously done, otherwise your attitude would be more leaning toward trying to stay live, rather than to continue to drink and kill yourself. Talking about how it was, is just a third of the story. What happened and what it's like now are the rest of the story, which gives me hope. If I ever forget the past, I'm doomed to relive it.

Also, you mentioned creating your own program. I'd like to suggest that that's exactly what got you where you're at right now. Doing things your way. You might want to consider trying someone else's way for a change.

tiburon88

I too find the steps silly at times.

Tiburon