Sex under the influence.
Everyone's favorite looney.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 34
Sex under the influence.
Am I the only one here who can't have sex sober?
Well I have the ability, but like I can't stand it. It freaks me out. I only have sober a handful of times in my life... Alcohol or drugs, doesn't matter. It's difficult for me to even get turned on.
Well I have the ability, but like I can't stand it. It freaks me out. I only have sober a handful of times in my life... Alcohol or drugs, doesn't matter. It's difficult for me to even get turned on.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Nia this is something new, alcohol is an escape from self, from reality, and from emotions, sobriety brings with it the reality that sex is no longer just SEX!!!!! It suddenly involves emotions and feelings, these things are new to us and it takes time to adjust to sex just not being SEX, but actually making love, 2 people sharing thier feelings for each other.
It took me a while to get into making love and not having SEX!!! I will share this....... making love is far better then SEX!!!! It is beautiful and fullfilling when suddenly it is no longer just about me and my physical being, it is about me, my partner, my emotions and feelings being mixed with my partners emotions & feelings.
Give it time, as you get used to feeling again you will get more comfortable with your self allowing you to become more comfortable with your partner.
SEX is still good, but making love is awesome! One can not make love without emotion and feelings.
It took me a while to get into making love and not having SEX!!! I will share this....... making love is far better then SEX!!!! It is beautiful and fullfilling when suddenly it is no longer just about me and my physical being, it is about me, my partner, my emotions and feelings being mixed with my partners emotions & feelings.
Give it time, as you get used to feeling again you will get more comfortable with your self allowing you to become more comfortable with your partner.
SEX is still good, but making love is awesome! One can not make love without emotion and feelings.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,002
Nia,
Drinking and sex for me usually ended up bad. Bad as in the sex with the woman I was involved with wasn't the one living with me.
In the program of AA, there is the 4th step. That helped a lot. I do not blame the booze for my actions. It was my behavior, selfishness. I liked the boost of self-esteem. Unfortunately it was brief, and was followed by guilt and shame. Then I would attempt to numb it by drinking.
Tom
Drinking and sex for me usually ended up bad. Bad as in the sex with the woman I was involved with wasn't the one living with me.
In the program of AA, there is the 4th step. That helped a lot. I do not blame the booze for my actions. It was my behavior, selfishness. I liked the boost of self-esteem. Unfortunately it was brief, and was followed by guilt and shame. Then I would attempt to numb it by drinking.
Tom
No more merlot, more mamma
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
Hi Nia,
Oh boy do I relate to your post. Taz and Signal are right...it takes a while to learn how to be intimate when you first get sober. I too could count on my hand how many times I had sex sober, while active.
Not knowing if you have a steady partner or not, but some advice that was given to me when I went through this was:
Don't pressure yourself.
Find other ways to be intimate: snuggling, talking, holding, just spending quality time together.
Don't expect fireworks. You are relearning how to feel again, that takes time.
Good luck!
It gets better...
Karen
Oh boy do I relate to your post. Taz and Signal are right...it takes a while to learn how to be intimate when you first get sober. I too could count on my hand how many times I had sex sober, while active.
Not knowing if you have a steady partner or not, but some advice that was given to me when I went through this was:
Don't pressure yourself.
Find other ways to be intimate: snuggling, talking, holding, just spending quality time together.
Don't expect fireworks. You are relearning how to feel again, that takes time.
Good luck!
It gets better...
Karen
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 5
I'm struggling with this as well. I'm in a bad marriage. Not bad as in violent...just married the wrong person too young and, well I am not in love with him at all. The only times in recent years that we have had sex has been when I'm drunk. It is bad. Sometimes I don't even remember it. Sometimes I wonder if that is part of the reason why my husband has been "blind" to my drinking problem...because that is the only time he gets intimacy, when I'm drunk.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Sober I started to realize parts of my life that could use some improvement.
As good as sex can feel, I found that there is a time and a place for it and the right time and place makes the experience much better.
As said by others... making love vs sex...
What could be happening where you don't feel you are getting turned on...
Your sober life is trying to tell you there are better choices.
Work on your recovery and the more recovery you have, the more of life starts to fall into place.
As good as sex can feel, I found that there is a time and a place for it and the right time and place makes the experience much better.
As said by others... making love vs sex...
What could be happening where you don't feel you are getting turned on...
Your sober life is trying to tell you there are better choices.
Work on your recovery and the more recovery you have, the more of life starts to fall into place.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Nia ....I think the fact that you might be pregnant
and are 17 is a factor in your situation.
Perhaps you are scared and or feel pressured to
have sex when you are not attracted to the man?
You are also very new to the idea
of getting clean and sober.
Your emotions are up and down.
In other words...it's just not the right time for sex.
Plenty of time for sex/love making /relationships
when you feel more healthy and thinking clearly.
and are 17 is a factor in your situation.
Perhaps you are scared and or feel pressured to
have sex when you are not attracted to the man?
You are also very new to the idea
of getting clean and sober.
Your emotions are up and down.
In other words...it's just not the right time for sex.
Plenty of time for sex/love making /relationships
when you feel more healthy and thinking clearly.
Everyone's favorite looney.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 34
I was having this issue even before that issue came up, I'd been sober for a while, and then got really high with a friend of mine recently and stuff happened. I'm even more shell shocked about it now though.
I don't feel pressured. Maybe it's the fact I've felt very vulnerable in general every time I've tried to get sober.
I decided the other day I'm just not gonna have sex anymore for a while. Aka until at least after I can legally. I was just thinking about that last night though. I was just like I can't be the only one like that.
I don't feel pressured. Maybe it's the fact I've felt very vulnerable in general every time I've tried to get sober.
I decided the other day I'm just not gonna have sex anymore for a while. Aka until at least after I can legally. I was just thinking about that last night though. I was just like I can't be the only one like that.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Born in Long Island NY/Mtns of N.C Is my home now
Posts: 405
Sex ??? !!! My drinking took care of that sometime ago , dont think my wife was to turned on by a blubbering stumbling drunk, who reeked of booze and could not preform if i had to at the time. Yes there was times when i was sober that we did have sex , but the true lovemaking , i destroyed that. At your age you really need to just try and focus on your recovery and yourself . thats the main thing right now.. Take care,
John
John
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Vancouver BC
Posts: 386
I had to learn the difference between sex and intimacy.
In early sobriety I was often too tired for love making.
As time went on, we made the time to have dinner together, have eye contact, spend time together, cuddle and snuggle up together.
Talk and laugh together, discover each other again.
I am happy to report that now we are as happy as bunnies. lol
In early sobriety I was often too tired for love making.
As time went on, we made the time to have dinner together, have eye contact, spend time together, cuddle and snuggle up together.
Talk and laugh together, discover each other again.
I am happy to report that now we are as happy as bunnies. lol
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Nia if you are 17 you are not even near your sexual prime, most women do not reach thier prime until they are in their early 30's. Staying sober right now should be your primary concern.
Is your husband ready to leave you because of your lack of sex drive?
If you are single do you think you are going to find a better man if you are drunk or sober?
When I was drinking there was only one thing I found attractive about a woman drunk and that attraction had nothing to do with a long term relationship.
Is your husband ready to leave you because of your lack of sex drive?
If you are single do you think you are going to find a better man if you are drunk or sober?
When I was drinking there was only one thing I found attractive about a woman drunk and that attraction had nothing to do with a long term relationship.
No more merlot, more mamma
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
Nia, I didn't realize when I posted how young you were. I'm a Mom..so I"m gonna nag ha ha..don't have sex!
Ok, now that I got that over with..honestly you are a young woman. When I was your age, way back when, I used sex as a tool. Eventfully, I pretty much ate away at my self esteem.
I hope that you will honor yourself, work on your sobriety, and hopefully only give the gift or yourself to someone who deserves it.
That was your nag for the day.
Karen
Ok, now that I got that over with..honestly you are a young woman. When I was your age, way back when, I used sex as a tool. Eventfully, I pretty much ate away at my self esteem.
I hope that you will honor yourself, work on your sobriety, and hopefully only give the gift or yourself to someone who deserves it.
That was your nag for the day.
Karen
Illegitimi Non Carborundum
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Old Home Terra
Posts: 4,272
Hey, its also perfectly normal for a gal to be turned off of sex for a while during a pregnancy, especially as young as you are. There's nothing weird about that.
The best thing you can do for your baby right now is to simply focus on recovery and your health. Anyone should be able to understand that, and I'd think, be supportive.
The best thing you can do for your baby right now is to simply focus on recovery and your health. Anyone should be able to understand that, and I'd think, be supportive.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Worcester
Posts: 789
Originally Posted by problemchild 
Sex ??? !!! My drinking took care of that sometime ago , dont think my wife was to turned on by a blubbering stumbling drunk, who reeked of booze and could not preform if i had to at the time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 410
Funny how fast this topic picked up.. he he
Sex IS a gift... a gift of yourself. If "yourself" is not feeling up to it... so it is. Emotions, feelings... everything changes when you stop drinking.
Imagine wearing blue tinted sunglasses. At first the world is blue. But in a short time, it's just normal. Then take them off... the normal world seems all off color... that's what it's like when you stop drinking except 1000x more. But you always re-adjust
Hang in there.
Sex IS a gift... a gift of yourself. If "yourself" is not feeling up to it... so it is. Emotions, feelings... everything changes when you stop drinking.
Imagine wearing blue tinted sunglasses. At first the world is blue. But in a short time, it's just normal. Then take them off... the normal world seems all off color... that's what it's like when you stop drinking except 1000x more. But you always re-adjust
Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,697
Alcoholic Anonymous pp 68-69
"Now about sex. Many of us needed an overhauling there. But above all, we tried to be sensible on this question. It's so easy to get way off the track. Here we find human opinions running to the extemes--absurd extremes, perhaps. One set of voices cry that sex is a lust of our lower nature, a base necessity of procreation. Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex; who bewail the institution of marriage; who think that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes. They think we do not have enought of it, or that it isn't the right kind. They see it's significance everywhere. One school would allow man no flavor for his fare and the other would have all of us on a straight pepper diet. We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. What can we do about them?
We reviewed our own coduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.
In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test- was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.
Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it."
In my 4th step - specifically the sex inventory - I cleaned out a lot of the past. I created an ideal and I strive towards that ideal. Sex has not been a problem since.
"Now about sex. Many of us needed an overhauling there. But above all, we tried to be sensible on this question. It's so easy to get way off the track. Here we find human opinions running to the extemes--absurd extremes, perhaps. One set of voices cry that sex is a lust of our lower nature, a base necessity of procreation. Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex; who bewail the institution of marriage; who think that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes. They think we do not have enought of it, or that it isn't the right kind. They see it's significance everywhere. One school would allow man no flavor for his fare and the other would have all of us on a straight pepper diet. We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. What can we do about them?
We reviewed our own coduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.
In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test- was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.
Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it."
In my 4th step - specifically the sex inventory - I cleaned out a lot of the past. I created an ideal and I strive towards that ideal. Sex has not been a problem since.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Houston TX
Posts: 32
I am only speaking from my experience. I do remember how out of control things could get at 17. I had gotten love and sex so confused in my mind, and it still is a problem to this day. I am 28 and married. I often have the feeling of being used when I am having sex. Kind of like it is for the other person and never for myself. There is a feeling of violation that is repulsive when you think about it. Drinking does cover this up for me. I feel like I can disconnect enough to were I dont have to think about any of these feelings. I have had several incedents of molestation when I was a child, I am not saying that is what happened to you. You are very young and being exposed to sex to early for any reason, I think, can twist it into something bad. If you have issues in this area of your life, or if you have ever been molested or raped, I would suggest seeking help. Dont let this follow you around forever. You are worth more than sex remember that.
Another Day in Paradise
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, CA
Posts: 900
Sober up a drunken horse thief and you have a sober horse theif.
Without being too trite I think that for me the point is that my basic views and feeling about sex are still the same, just not skewed by filtering them through alcohol. If one has problems with sex then we are now free to deal with them with a clear head. If sex was basicly good then I suspect that alcohol made it muddled and less than it could be sober.
Jon
Without being too trite I think that for me the point is that my basic views and feeling about sex are still the same, just not skewed by filtering them through alcohol. If one has problems with sex then we are now free to deal with them with a clear head. If sex was basicly good then I suspect that alcohol made it muddled and less than it could be sober.
Jon
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