problemchild

Slipped up yesterday, after all i have been threw i drank. I feel like it is just my destiny to die from alcohol, i was feeling so good and loved waking up without the hangovers. What is my f ing problem ? I know i should have called someone , but i did'nt why do i do this to myself? Just mostly sat here today crying like a dummy, and in the way i feel about men crying is they are weak, just the way i was raised. I wish i could just get it , you know what i mean ? JUST GET IT......... I have been to the bottom what else is there?
John

problemchild

You know whats more fd up than that is i crave it today.........

December15

So if you don't have a drink for today then you will wake up in the morning knowing you have gone a day without using - and that is an achievement.

Jfanagle

Problemchild,

QUESTION: "What is my f ing problem ? I know I should have called someone, but I didn’t why do I do this to myself? "

ANSWER: Because you are an alcoholic.

December15TH summed the situation up. Today is today and yesterday is gone. If you drink today then you will have to start tomorrow, etc, etc, etc. The problem with quitting tomorrow is that eventually there are no tomorrows. No one gets out of this world alive, but there is no need to hasten your departure if you stop abusing your body today. It really is up to you.

Too many of us want to be that special case where WE HAVE SOME REASON THAT WE CAN'T STOP. It is difficult, but not impossible. The secret is just don't drink today and tomorrow will take care of itself. In my case I had to go to AA meetings everyday that I felt like drinking. That turned out to be everyday for the first year. I would tell my self that I didn't have time to go, until it dawned on me that I could use the time I was going to use to drink and go to meeting during that time. It all worked out and before I knew it days turned into weeks which turned into months and they soon became years.

One more trick I have played on myself was to tell myself even though I couldn't drink TODAY I was always free to drink tomorrow. I have been saving tomorrow now for a little over 3200 days. I still have the RIGHT to drink tomorrow, that way I don't have to deal with NEVER drinking again.

I am not normal, I am an alcoholic and therefore I need these little mind games. That is just me; you are obviously free to do whatever you need to do to stay sober.

Good Luck,

Jon

lovingseren

You ain't crazy, you are an active alcoholic, in order to get sober, I had to realise it was entirely up to me to do so.
I had to know that I had choice, if I was sober, it was my choice if I drank again.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.

We must change everything, our routines, our life styles, our thinking, and our attitude..........Go For It John!!

Good Luck to you
Seren

Anna

Hi John,

Addiction will make you feel like you are crazy, but you're not and you can have your life back. There is always hope. I think the reason I poisoned myself with alcohol was because I didn't like myself at all. There is lots of hope, John.

problemchild

Lovingseren, if its a choice why do i always make the wrong one, and why does it feel so right at the time ?

Steve58

Hi John,

No biggie, every day you dont drink is good, so you slipped up, We've all been there, it can take people years to finally "get it". One of them is typing this. I'm doing better lately, but one thing I would never consider is quitting the fight.

As far as the crying, it's good for you. We're an emotional lot, both M & F, get used to it, goes with the terratory. I started crying in the car the other day for no good reason, I'd been sober a while, so I dont know where it came from, but it came.

Please stick around, and give us some good news tomorrow!

S

lovingseren

I struggled for five or more years to stop drinking, as long as I kept drinking, I was powerless to stop.
I had to empower myself to stop, I got angry at my disease, I knew it was killing me, and I had to fight for my life, however, I needed a program.
I found one when I was two days sober and I listened to what the others told me, I became teachable, I worked the program with all of my heart and soul. I lived it, I ate and breathed it, it became a part of me.

Someone told me...."just dont' pick up that first drink, it is the lethal one", and so I did anything rather than drink:

I went to online meetings, I called a friend, I ate protein and carbs, I cleaned out the fridge, I screamed into my pillow, I read the 13 Statements of my program, I threw rocks, I went online and posted for support, for a meeting in the chat room, there was always someone there to be with me.

The longer I was sober, and the more I worked the program, the easier it became, and I began to see that sobriety and recovery are an amazing journey.

I am a work in progress.....forward motion.

Seren

caraway

Hi, problemchild. So sorry to hear you're feeling so low. I've just quoted that bit above because it IS strange how something so wrong can feel so much like its right and ok to do. I think thats the insanity of alcoholism. One of the insane things anyway.

I think that no matter how many times we fall, we just have to keep picking ourselves up again and keep trying. Don't beat yourself up about it, its because you're an alcoholic. I find it easier to start again if I'm kind to myself.

Hope you feel better soon.

problemchild

Thank you all , it does mean alot to me... It's just when i drink the hangovers are so bad , alcohol is the only way i know to treat them.. So it's a vicious cycle..

nandm

I found that I had to be sick of being sick before I was able to reach out and find help for my alcoholism.

CarolD

Just try again John....

chip

Hi John,
Please don't give up hope. It's time to pick yourself up, and try again. We don't shoot our wounded here. Many of us had bumpy starts. Nobody can take away the sober time you've already had. You know how good it can be, and you can have that again.

I hope you'll try again, and keep us posted. We're all pulling for you.
chip

Steve58

Hey PC,

How U today?

MNGirlyGirl

Alcohol is a depressant so that is a huge part of what is fueling your remorse. Don't let yourself focus on the the slip and negativity. Drinking felt like crap. Remember that and move forward knowing that you can choose not to pick up NEXT time. Often the "using thinking" starts way before we decide to make the trip to the liquor store. That is the time to call someone.

I hope you are feeling better today!

problemchild

Feeling okay today , just tired of this crap i wish i could just get it. Guess i want to much to soon. It just amazes me that after all the stuff my drinking has put me through i would drink again so soon, i know certain things will make me sick if i eat them, sooo i don't eat them even at times i want them, drinking makes me sick and i know this but at the times i want a drink hell i will drink it anyway... Wow just stuck me kinda funny, we are all a strange bunch ! Thanks for the replys and all the support.

John

Steve58

Yea, why dont we just take out the 3 pounder and use it our thumbs, quicker & cheaper!

S

problemchild

Hey, I really feel pretty good today, no depresion or any of the ****. Playing scales and chords on the guitair like i am drunk, lol , loving life so i will enjoy my pink cloud as long as it lasts, f it i will deal with the crap when it comes.. One day at at time ? RIGHT!!!


John

earthnocentric

I personally went through the same "spin cycle" you've described in your posts for about 20 years. In and out,in and,out,pink cloud followed by over-powering obsession to drink,over and over.I finally found someome in recovery who was insightful enough and caring enough to walk me into the depths of step 1 without the sugar coated B.S. of "hope" and "willpower".Thank God I got to experience the truth of my condition. I saw what Bill and Bob saw that I suffer from a hopeless condition of mind and body-in other words I can't stay stopped despite a desperate desire to do so (mind),and I can't control the amount I drink once I start drinking(body). Now that's what I call a double edge sword!!! But until I reached this deep level of hopelessness,I was always unwilling to truly surrender and take the remaining 11 steps like my life depended on it.

But in the mean time good luck "just not drinking no matter what.