xOVERMANx

Returning To Drink Is Insanity, Why Can;t We Keep Our Hand Away From That Stove, Why Is It That We Return To The Thing That Will Kill Us, It Is Insanity. This Has Happened To Me Count;less Times The Insane Idea Always Wins Out, I Have No Choice, I Will Drink No Matter What. The Only Thing Tha T Will Assist Me Is Finding" A God Of My Own Understanding", This Is The Purpose Of The Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book.

Tazman53

John you keep asking why? You know the answer but do not yet really beleive it!!!

I am an alcoholic, I know this with every bone in my body, I am powerless over alcohol, my life is unmanageable when I drink, this I know as well!

John until I was able to the depths of my soul to accept the truth about myself I continued to drink. I am an alcoholic, I can never again drink safely because I am an alcoholic, if I start to drink one drink I become powerless over alcohol, I want another before I am finished the one in my hand. I AM AN ALCOHOLIC!!!!!!

Until I accepted the fact that I AM AN ALCOHOLIC I could not pick up the phone and call someone for help. I AM AN ALCOHOLIC as long as I accepted this fact I am able to go to meetings even though I may feel to tired or sick or what ever!

John if you are like me then you need to accept the truth. Man you have been there before, you know the answer, you know how to regain control, pick up the phone, get to a meeting, read, PRAY!!!!!

John you are choosing to drink!

Is there a gun to your head?

John we have spoken, I know you and you know me, we both know you know what you need to do, accept the truth and do what you have to do.

problemchild

Doing good again today, thanks for all the reply's. Martin, my friend i really needed to hear those words put that way exactly, i probably read that reply 100 times today, and you are right , i wanted to drink thats why i did not use any of my lifelines to change my thinking or stop my trip to the store .. The old f -it attitude kicked in and so i let it ride.
I don't think it was my disease that got me the other day , i think it was John and his desire to get drunk. My temp sponsor is kinda laid back and does not lash out at me like i need it, i will be looking for a new one at the meeting tonight, God knows i need a brutally honest person on my case right now. Again thank you all for caring , i sure need each and everyone of you right now.
I have been looking for loads to get me back on the road again , its just easier to stay sober out there, Besides i have been home since Dec 21st. lol i think i am making myself and my wife crazy...

Take care all, John

sugErspun

I feel the same way.... I often heard things like "Let us love you until you can love yourself" and "keep coming back" and "great job coming back". It never made sense to me, here I was being told on one hand that only a spiritual experience will save me, but there were people at AA who said they would be my higher power - they are human last time I checked. Finally someone revealed some truth to me - and it was neither a pretty picture nor comforting.

It was humbling.

I am even more fortunate that I haven't been lied to by anyone telling me "everything is going to be ok" - because the truth is - more than likely, having the disease of alcoholism, everything won't be ok - I will die from this disease. That is the truth about my condition. The book talks about "conceding to our innermost self's that we were alcoholic" - to be alcoholic is pretty much a death sentence - MOST do not make it, no matter how bad they want to quit. The desire to be a member is not what will get and keep me sober.

There is work to be done, period.

For me to take that first step I have to admit to myself that I am doomed. There is nothing pretty about my condition. I had to take steps of faith that maybe something would work for me, because I was pretty much dead on the inside anyhow. Admitting to myself had little to do with vocalizing that I am powerless to someone else- it was a gut feeling, I don't know how else to describe it.

Step one was miserable and led to enough willingness to set my thinking aside and do whatever I was told to do. I don't like to use the word desperation, but it is close to what was going on at that time. It felt good to let go and move forward to the rest of the steps.

That is just my experience though. I am glad it ties back to the stories in the book - I don't feel alone in this.

You aren't alone problemchild. I can assure you of that. If you want to quit drinking - I know a way that has worked for me and countless others, it turns out to be greater than I ever imagined. Maybe people telling you what a great job you are doing by admitting your 'slips' will get you sober, maybe if you feel enough love in this world it will be enough for you to overcome your problem. For me - I needed what they refer to as 'strong coffee' AA. Most of what I have done in AA was done because I gave up the notion of 'choice' - things started to make sense. I got some answers, I got some results, I cleaned up the past and moved out into the world. I feel useful again, I feel alive again.

"We were reborn"

God Bless.

Zanthos

Wow. What a great way to ask THE question that is at the crux of recovery!

After trying an infinity of times to stop drinking on my own, it finally struck me at my core that I could not. I, me, the person I was, could not stop drinking. When I did stop -- for a day, a week, or more -- I couldn't stay stopped. Something in my experience of living, of being alive, kept taking me back to booze. There was something painful, very painful, about being alive, and it felt right to drink because for a little while that would relieve the pain. Later, I was able to see very clearly that I was so uncomfortable as a person that sooner or later I "had" to drink to relieve that discomfort.

So it finally hit home: I couldn't live with alcohol and I couldn't live without it. That recognition produced the most intense feelings of hopelessness and despair I had ever felt in a lifetime of feeling hopeless and despairing. The sheer weight of my experience with alcohol and with life had defeated me. I gave up. I surrendered. I was lost without hope of a solution.

So, in this state of hopeless and desperation, I could do one of two things: kill myself or find a lifeline. Well I didn't want to kill myself. I often thought I did, but when push came to shove, I really didn't want to. But here I was, falling desperately into the abyss of hopelessness. And now, even though I had been around AA before, now, suddenly, because I was more shattered and desperate and surrendered than I had ever been before, when other alcoholics and addicts told me "I've been exactly where you are now and here is what worked for me", I was ready and able to listen. So even though I was still lost and confused, I became willing to believe that something outside myself, something I did not know, something I had to learn and receive from others, this something might work for me.

The first thing others taught me and showed me was that everything I had tried to do before in terms of managing my own life and being the person I instinctively had been simply did not work. In every way I tried to be me, I was unhappy. Something was wrong with me, and I had to change my outlook on life before I could start to grow into a healthier human being. And what was suggested to me was very radical: I had to make an effort to do the OPPOSITE of everything I had done before. Instead of walking through life full of fear and resentment and unrealized hopes and desires, I had to allow myself to feel cared for and taken care of. I had to invent a Higher Power and anchor whatever capacity for trust and faith and feelings of safety I retained to that Higher Power. I had to quit trying to manage my own life and fight my way through my own demons, and let my God take care of me. Since I was exhausted by my own efforts to live life the way I knew, I was ready to try this. And try it on a continuous basis. All the time, every day, day in and day out.

That still left me feeling deeply uneasy about the person I was. I didn't feel right and didn't like who I was. And so I allowed myself to be led through a factfinding process about the kind of person I was, bad and good. I was shown how to identify in myself was HAD NOT WORKED and to imagine a different way of being based on things like acceptance and patience and humility, and make an effort to try and be and act in that new way.

I talked about what I found out about myself with another person, and in doing so I became truly honest about what I didn't like, and what didn't work, and what was good about me. It was the first time I had every truly faced myself and assumed a sense of responsibility for who and what I might become. It felt good.

I reinforced my desire to change and my sense of reliance on a power other than myself by again acknowledging aspects of my character that were harmful to myself and others, and seeking outside myself the resources to undergo a process of change.

In order to become further capable of facing who and what I was and wanted to be, I identified the people I had harmed and agreed that it would be good for me to face them and acknowledge the fact that I had wronged them. And so I did. This was a very cool experience.

Throughout all this, and continuing to this day, I began to practice what I was told were tools that would enhance my fitness as a human being. Love, compassion, tolerance, patience, humility, prayer and mediation, and service to others. I found I liked the effort involved in making these things a habit, and more importantly, if I didn't practice these things I quickly became uncomfortable with myself.

Of course, the whole thing was a lot more messy and confused over the course of a couple of years than it sounds when I write it out like this. But that's what happened to me.